Broken Record
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Great White North
Posts: 212
Broken Record
this is going to sound bad. because you guys have been nothing but SUPPORTIVE of me!!
i first came here after getting out of detox, was doing really good. then ended up starting to drink again. and ive been stuck in that ever since. as my title says, i feel like a broken record. sometimes i feel bad even posting here sometimes because i feel like im not doing everything i can to just not drink...just dont do it! ya know? but i keep doing it!
and i keep saying the same things over and over again. sometimes i feel like im wasting everyones time. like you guys have all finally 'gotten' it and i keep saying that im going to stop, but i never do.
i know you have to make the choice to just do it, and everyone morning i start my day with that honest to god feeling/strenght/thought that today is the day, but when night comes i waver big time.
god im so sick of this!!
i dont really know where else to post these thoughts of mine that i have because i cant say it to my actual physical people in my life. but at times i dont even want to post them here because i feel like ive said im going to get better a million times before. aaargh.
i dont even know what im trying to say! im just so frustrated that i want to not drink anymore, but i never follow through. im not a weak person in any aspect of my life..except when it comes to this,
im afraid people are going to say i dont want it bad enough, or im not trying hard enough, but believe me, i really do. and most the time i believe myself when i say this is it. .. .. im at a loss of what else to say. im feeling really let down by myself right now.
thanks for listening. Vanilla.
i first came here after getting out of detox, was doing really good. then ended up starting to drink again. and ive been stuck in that ever since. as my title says, i feel like a broken record. sometimes i feel bad even posting here sometimes because i feel like im not doing everything i can to just not drink...just dont do it! ya know? but i keep doing it!
and i keep saying the same things over and over again. sometimes i feel like im wasting everyones time. like you guys have all finally 'gotten' it and i keep saying that im going to stop, but i never do.
i know you have to make the choice to just do it, and everyone morning i start my day with that honest to god feeling/strenght/thought that today is the day, but when night comes i waver big time.
god im so sick of this!!
i dont really know where else to post these thoughts of mine that i have because i cant say it to my actual physical people in my life. but at times i dont even want to post them here because i feel like ive said im going to get better a million times before. aaargh.
i dont even know what im trying to say! im just so frustrated that i want to not drink anymore, but i never follow through. im not a weak person in any aspect of my life..except when it comes to this,
im afraid people are going to say i dont want it bad enough, or im not trying hard enough, but believe me, i really do. and most the time i believe myself when i say this is it. .. .. im at a loss of what else to say. im feeling really let down by myself right now.
thanks for listening. Vanilla.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi Vanilla
I spent many years trying to quit - I had good genuine intentions - but that was about it.
I never actually did anything - I read a few books, I tried a few moderation attempts - but I never talked to anyone about it in real life or online, I never sought help from a Dr Counsellor or any recovery group...
I just kinda wished or willed things were different. That wasn't enough for me.
I really believe to make a 'sobriety omelette' you have to break some eggs, y'know?...make some real changes...and reach out and get some help, cos the lone wolf thing rarely works.
so...what else have you been doing besides trying not to drink, and posting here?
D
I spent many years trying to quit - I had good genuine intentions - but that was about it.
I never actually did anything - I read a few books, I tried a few moderation attempts - but I never talked to anyone about it in real life or online, I never sought help from a Dr Counsellor or any recovery group...
I just kinda wished or willed things were different. That wasn't enough for me.
I really believe to make a 'sobriety omelette' you have to break some eggs, y'know?...make some real changes...and reach out and get some help, cos the lone wolf thing rarely works.
so...what else have you been doing besides trying not to drink, and posting here?
D
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 42
Hi Vanilla,
Could you go into another detox or rehab? Sometimes it's a good thing to get your head clear first and just get away. It's not as simple as "just don't drink" or there wouldn't be this website, or AA, or other support groups. The Big Book states, "the fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called willpower becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink."
Don't get too down on yourself. There is a way out of this. I couldn't even get a day before, and suffered from many relapses, falls, and institutions. I have not read any of your prior posts, but have you tried reaching out for help and going to an AA meeting? There are people who have been where you are now, and can help guide you through the same process they went through.
Could you go into another detox or rehab? Sometimes it's a good thing to get your head clear first and just get away. It's not as simple as "just don't drink" or there wouldn't be this website, or AA, or other support groups. The Big Book states, "the fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called willpower becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink."
Don't get too down on yourself. There is a way out of this. I couldn't even get a day before, and suffered from many relapses, falls, and institutions. I have not read any of your prior posts, but have you tried reaching out for help and going to an AA meeting? There are people who have been where you are now, and can help guide you through the same process they went through.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Vanilla I have been there as well. Just detoxing, quitting, etc. wasn't enough for me as it doesn't seem to be enough for you.
What changed my life was getting into recovery and as others shared.....getting that face to face support.
I could sit on SR all day long and not drink but am I doing anything in my real life that is different? Through recovery (combo of counseling and of course SR, etc.) I have been breaking down and rebuilding the parts of my life that have been destroyed by alcohol. For example my lack of self-confidence. Well that came from years of hard core boozing and all the negative effects on me and how I lived my life. I got help to learn how to make changes in my life and by doing so I am taking control and I feel damn good.
The way I see it....when our lives are beyond what we can handle ourselves....why not reach out and get the support? I know I am grateful everyday I did and with a good program of recovery I am now leading a healthy, positive life that wishing and hoping alone would NEVER bring me.
Wish you well.
What changed my life was getting into recovery and as others shared.....getting that face to face support.
I could sit on SR all day long and not drink but am I doing anything in my real life that is different? Through recovery (combo of counseling and of course SR, etc.) I have been breaking down and rebuilding the parts of my life that have been destroyed by alcohol. For example my lack of self-confidence. Well that came from years of hard core boozing and all the negative effects on me and how I lived my life. I got help to learn how to make changes in my life and by doing so I am taking control and I feel damn good.
The way I see it....when our lives are beyond what we can handle ourselves....why not reach out and get the support? I know I am grateful everyday I did and with a good program of recovery I am now leading a healthy, positive life that wishing and hoping alone would NEVER bring me.
Wish you well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Great White North
Posts: 212
kmber. you hit it on the head. the sitting here not drinking and just coming to this site are not enough for me. or wasnt anyways. it was at first, till i had my recent relapse and now it seems like i need more.
ive contacted AA and have posted here about it, but havent followed through, i dont know why it seems so daunting to me. im sure after going to one meeting i will feel comfortable going again, its getting over that first hump.
i know what i need to do, but i dont do it...just like someone who wants to lose weight, will still sit there with a bag of chips instead of excersizing. just making a comparison here.
Kae....i would love more than anything to go back to detox or go to a rehab, im the type of person that needs structure since i actually dont have any in my life and i responded well to it when i WAS in detox..but after being laid off for 3 months, i have to go back to work next week. i know sobriety before everything else, but with bills to pay. i dont really have an option right now.
tomorrow is a new day, and i will be as strong as i can. since i never make it to evenings, i will look into and afternoon meeting.
Thanks guys! i really appreciate your responses
ive contacted AA and have posted here about it, but havent followed through, i dont know why it seems so daunting to me. im sure after going to one meeting i will feel comfortable going again, its getting over that first hump.
i know what i need to do, but i dont do it...just like someone who wants to lose weight, will still sit there with a bag of chips instead of excersizing. just making a comparison here.
Kae....i would love more than anything to go back to detox or go to a rehab, im the type of person that needs structure since i actually dont have any in my life and i responded well to it when i WAS in detox..but after being laid off for 3 months, i have to go back to work next week. i know sobriety before everything else, but with bills to pay. i dont really have an option right now.
tomorrow is a new day, and i will be as strong as i can. since i never make it to evenings, i will look into and afternoon meeting.
Thanks guys! i really appreciate your responses
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
I was scared of going to AA...my first meeting i hid round the corner and some guy came up and said are you looking for the meetings and i replied no with a scowl i am waiting for a friend....he paused and said well ok but the door is just round the corner if you change your mind...
About 6 weeks later i was sooooo fed up, hopeless and desperate i walked in and asked who would be my sponsor...i strongly recommend you get down there asap and get a sponsor and get some work done!
About 6 weeks later i was sooooo fed up, hopeless and desperate i walked in and asked who would be my sponsor...i strongly recommend you get down there asap and get a sponsor and get some work done!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Great White North
Posts: 212
lol that made me laugh. NO....okay, well the door is just around the corner if you change your mind.
i find my problem isnt with the drunk me..the drunk me knows i have a problem..the sober me that tells me im feeling fine is the one i have to deal with. thats the one that keeps me drinking.
*by sober i dont mean 'sober'.. i mean the next day when im not drunk anymore and i have faith that i will do the right thing.
i find my problem isnt with the drunk me..the drunk me knows i have a problem..the sober me that tells me im feeling fine is the one i have to deal with. thats the one that keeps me drinking.
*by sober i dont mean 'sober'.. i mean the next day when im not drunk anymore and i have faith that i will do the right thing.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
You mean the next day where you are thinking ok thats the last time and have a plan of action in your head and start thinking about all the things you could have in your life with just a little effort...then when you wake up either the next day or a week later thinking why did i do that again?
Man i stayed in that cycle for years...i was so sick of waking up by the end...the real bummer was that everyoine kept telling me that i was drinking myself to death but yet there i was another day breathing!!!!!!
I was getting to the point where i was fed up waiting and shortly after realised that i was really ****** and went for help...believe me i didnt want to go to AA or thought it was for me...wow that took years to get me there...good times lol
Man i stayed in that cycle for years...i was so sick of waking up by the end...the real bummer was that everyoine kept telling me that i was drinking myself to death but yet there i was another day breathing!!!!!!
I was getting to the point where i was fed up waiting and shortly after realised that i was really ****** and went for help...believe me i didnt want to go to AA or thought it was for me...wow that took years to get me there...good times lol
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
I really believe to make a 'sobriety omelette' you have to break some eggs, y'know?...make some real changes...and reach out and get some help, cos the lone wolf thing rarely works.
I so understand that... I'd been trying to 'moderate' for two years, not "breaking any eggs".
It wasn't until I finally admitted in my innermost soul that I just can't drink at all, nothing, nada, not a damn drop, that I finally was able to stay sober. Coming up very soon on a year sober so my advice to you is: don't give up!! Do something different. Give AA (or another program, or counseling) a good try. And take it the same way you get it: ONE DAY AT A TIME.
If an ol' relapser like me can make it, anyone can. Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Western PA
Posts: 416
Vanilla, this all sounds so familiar. I think many of us have been in your shoes. You are not wasting anybody's time. Today can be your Day 1. It sounds like you want it...but what are you willing to do to get it? Like everyone is saying...there has to be some wholesale life changes on your part to make it happen. Good luck!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
I think we all understand how frustrating this is for you.
And, as you said all you can do is to not drink today. Get rid of alcohol in the house. Do something else so you are not at the store where you could buy alcohol. Don't go near any friends or family who might be drinking or ask you to drink. Get through the day, and then tomorrow will be a little easier. The only way to get through it, is to get through it.
And, as you said all you can do is to not drink today. Get rid of alcohol in the house. Do something else so you are not at the store where you could buy alcohol. Don't go near any friends or family who might be drinking or ask you to drink. Get through the day, and then tomorrow will be a little easier. The only way to get through it, is to get through it.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 228
Originally Posted by Kmber2010 
Vanilla I have been there as well. Just detoxing, quitting, etc. wasn't enough for me as it doesn't seem to be enough for you.
What changed my life was getting into recovery and as others shared.....getting that face to face support.
I could sit on SR all day long and not drink but am I doing anything in my real life that is different? Through recovery (combo of counseling and of course SR, etc.) I have been breaking down and rebuilding the parts of my life that have been destroyed by alcohol. For example my lack of self-confidence. Well that came from years of hard core boozing and all the negative effects on me and how I lived my life. I got help to learn how to make changes in my life and by doing so I am taking control and I feel damn good.
The way I see it....when our lives are beyond what we can handle ourselves....why not reach out and get the support? I know I am grateful everyday I did and with a good program of recovery I am now leading a healthy, positive life that wishing and hoping alone would NEVER bring me.
Wish you well.
What changed my life was getting into recovery and as others shared.....getting that face to face support.
I could sit on SR all day long and not drink but am I doing anything in my real life that is different? Through recovery (combo of counseling and of course SR, etc.) I have been breaking down and rebuilding the parts of my life that have been destroyed by alcohol. For example my lack of self-confidence. Well that came from years of hard core boozing and all the negative effects on me and how I lived my life. I got help to learn how to make changes in my life and by doing so I am taking control and I feel damn good.
The way I see it....when our lives are beyond what we can handle ourselves....why not reach out and get the support? I know I am grateful everyday I did and with a good program of recovery I am now leading a healthy, positive life that wishing and hoping alone would NEVER bring me.
Wish you well.
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