Tendencies

How do I feel?

I feel a little mixed. My head is clearer and I'm feeling some more motivation for doing better -but - if I could, I would drink. I can't, so I won't. I can't because it's bad for me and it's ruining my life. Has ruined? Not sure. Totally f'd-up the last few years that's for sure. Sorry if this is a mess of writing but my thinking is a little disjointed.

Reading others posts helps me. I don't feel so alone. I want to thank you all for that. I don't really have a support network as I'm fairly well estranged from most of my family and friends. I don't talk about drinking anyway. It would be to shameful for me. Someday I would like to strong enough to talk about the dark days with these people. Have conversations a few years down the road about these dark days I had(having now). They will be surprised and shocked that I went through such a rough time. They'd think I hid it so well.

Why is it so hard to not do something. Drinking takes action. I have to go to the store pay for the booze get it home and proceed to down. Then I have to try to clean up after myself because I rent rooms in my house and I don't want to seem too chronic. Drinking is a lot of work. It's exhausting really.

One of the biggest problems I'm having sobering up I with honesty. Not everyday stuff like lying about my wight or something mundane like that. What I mean is honesty with myself about how bad it is and why I let it go this far. The posts describing detoxing are scary. I'm detoxing now. I'm feeling physical changes and mental ones but not all good. I'm eating more at night. I crave food. I've started munching carrot sticks. That's ok. Gota stay about from the breads like muffins at 11pm. My side still hurts. Not sure what it is but I know it relates to drinking. If I don't feel better about that in a couple of weeks I'll have to go get a test I guess. Like I want to see the results of a liver test. HA!

Its Friday. You remember Friday right? One of the only nights a week where it was even more OK to drink. ITS FRIDAY! Not anymore. It's just another day. It has to be. No more excuses to drink. No more- "I had a bad days so I deserve it." This has happened or that has happened (good or bad) so I can drink.


I really find posting helps me. I hope no one minds. I think I'm going to be posting a lot. Let me know if I'm posting in the wrong place or something.

Day Four. 1st Friday

mayson28

Tendencies, I am only on day 6 myself, first Friday too so I can very much relate to what you are saying. I too would love nothing more than to be normal and heading home for the Friday drink. But, we can't. So I have started on the mind set of who cares?? There is nothing good about it anyhow.
Post and read as much as you need to. I have, since I like you, am doing this alone.
Every struggle and every craving and anxiety overcome is worth it in the morning, when we can smile into the mirror, knowing we can add another day to sobriety. One second, one hr, one day at a time.
Hang in there!!! Everyone on SR is amazing

Anna

Hi Tendencies,

Denial in addiction is really huge and that's some of what you're describing. It's what makes it hard for us to see how bad things are. I'm glad you've stopped drinking and I agree with you that drinking was exhausting for me too. My post-drinking day would involve trying to figure out who I had phoned and what I had said, had I emailed anyone, had I met anyone I knew on the street. OMG, such drama! But, you don't have to go through that again.

Dee74

Hey Tendencies - congrats on day 4.

my advice is go see your Dr about that pain in your side tho.
Don't wait a couple of weeks.

It may be the opener you need to ask for help too - get some action happening?
D

Tendencies

Thanks, Good Luck Mayson. I like your attitude. I have to find some things to do now at night other than drink. I've been reading a lot. Been on the forum quite a bit. I think the forum has made a real difference. Not sure when it started or who started it but good on them.

Stevie1

Tendencies, day 4 here as well (OK, day 4, round 1,568 but what else are you gonna do...) and I well remember when being home on a Friday or Saturday night = pathetic lonely loser.
Ha.

Posting helps me too; this is one of the only places I can put stuff out there right now, because of the anonyminity. My friends and people in my life mostly think I am really together, they have no idea and I was raised never to let anyone see me hurt, it's a hard habit to break.

As others here have said and what I'm slowly coming to realise...it takes more than simply not drinking. That's a fabulous accomplishment by itself, absolutely. But most people drink to squash down a lot of other Bad Stuff, and you have to take care of that as well. YMMV, but good on ya for day 4.

VeeTee

Hi tendencies - Glad you are doing well on day four and that you can see a lot of your past behaviour (drinking related behaviour, let me add) for what it was.

My thoughts weren't half as clear at that stage, I was in emotional turmoil and that affected my thoughts a lot. But, like you, I knew that I "can't" drink. End of.
Now doing my 4th weekend without the booze and it has got a little easier.

enjoy your weekend
v

SDSurfn

good job on Day 4, tendencies. I'm day 13 and this is my second consecutive sober friday.

i can relate to what you were saying about fridays. It was the one day when it was "ok" for me to get absolutely plowed. of course, i would do the same on tuesday, or monday, or wednesday...you get the idea.

know that you are not alone here. I have found much support and understanding here. I know you will too.

have a good sober weekend,

-SD

CarolD

Just returned from an interesting AA meeting.....topic Gratitude.
16 people...now non drinkers....sharing about how awesome
our new lives have become.....

Congratulations to everyone in early sobriety
Yes....you too can win over alcohol

Tendencies

Thanks all for the support. I'm reading, forum, watching some TV. Smoking cancer sticks (that problem can wait).

Feeling agitated. Headachy.

Everyone out there on the first few days or more like me. Keep it up. And the rest of you who are miles down the road on sobriety. Well - My Respect!

Question: I tried to go n the chat room a couple of times during the day and there was never anyone there. Does it liven up late at night?

Dee74

I think the current holidays are probably a factor in the chat room Tendencies

D

lulu70

Way to go on day 4, Tendencies! You're doing great so far. And you can post as many times as you would like! There aren't any limits that I know of.

Fridays definitely were hard for me in early sobriety. Toward the end of my drinking, I would often go to the store and buy a 30-pack of beer and a litre of vodka, just for the weekend. I would then proceed to drink it all within the first 24-hours and have to go back to the store for more. It is a freakin' miracle that I didn't kill myself. Of course, in many ways I did kill myself--emotionally at least. And one of the saddest things is that I am actually a cancer survivor. Liver cancer, no less. I had half of my liver removed in 1995 and was drinking the way I mentioned above only a few years later. Sick, sick, sick.

Keep hanging in there and keep posting. You are helping other people while you are helping yourself!

artsoul

My first Friday was probably the worst night - I felt sad and lonely (probably a little angry, too). I was envious of all those "normal" people.......

Spent a lot of time watching TV, smoking cigs and eating, while reading post after post on this forum. I kept having to drill it into my head that I really didn't want to pick up a drink again. Believe me, it all sounds familiar.

Just keep it in the "now" as much as you can. You can do it!