What to say?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 4
What to say?
Hello everyone; I'm new to the world of recovery, so I'll give a little background on myself:
I'm 25, and I believe I'm a high functioning alcoholic. I drink about two to three times a week, but I experience blackouts and brownouts all the time. I'm a different person when I'm drunk, and I'm often completely ashamed and afraid of what I did while I was drinking when I wake up the next morning.
Wednesday night, I experienced another frightening blackout, and awoke to hear of things I said that a sober me would never say. Unfortunately, drinking is a big social element with people my age, and I know the hardest part of getting sober will be telling all my close friends that I'm not going to be drinking anymore.
It may ruin some friendships, but if it does, I know the friendships it ruins are not REAL friendships. I'm really excited about the possibility of a sober life and all it has to offer, but I don't want everyone running around saying I'm an alcoholic. I do admit to being an alcoholic, but I don't want the whole negative social stigma. Is there anything I can do to prevent this? Or should I just tell the truth to everybody? Thanks for the help.
Have any of you told people any other reasons for your sobriety? I was thinking about telling friends that I was on medication and could not drink anymore.
I'm 25, and I believe I'm a high functioning alcoholic. I drink about two to three times a week, but I experience blackouts and brownouts all the time. I'm a different person when I'm drunk, and I'm often completely ashamed and afraid of what I did while I was drinking when I wake up the next morning.
Wednesday night, I experienced another frightening blackout, and awoke to hear of things I said that a sober me would never say. Unfortunately, drinking is a big social element with people my age, and I know the hardest part of getting sober will be telling all my close friends that I'm not going to be drinking anymore.
It may ruin some friendships, but if it does, I know the friendships it ruins are not REAL friendships. I'm really excited about the possibility of a sober life and all it has to offer, but I don't want everyone running around saying I'm an alcoholic. I do admit to being an alcoholic, but I don't want the whole negative social stigma. Is there anything I can do to prevent this? Or should I just tell the truth to everybody? Thanks for the help.
Have any of you told people any other reasons for your sobriety? I was thinking about telling friends that I was on medication and could not drink anymore.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Hi and Welcome!
I'm glad you found us and made the decision to live a sober life.
For me, recovery has been a very personal journey. I did not talk about it with my family because I had made many promises before and failed. So, I let my actions show I had changed. I have a strong belief that I don't owe an explanation to anyone, as to what I am drinking or not drinking. I also believe that there are many stereotypical attributes connected with the word alcoholic. And, I was so low when I stopped drinking, I didn't need people making judgements about me. I also believe that honesty is crucial to recovery and so, only once did I try the medication excuse. I felt so uncomfortable with that, that I decided to not lie about it anymore.
I'm glad you found us and made the decision to live a sober life.
For me, recovery has been a very personal journey. I did not talk about it with my family because I had made many promises before and failed. So, I let my actions show I had changed. I have a strong belief that I don't owe an explanation to anyone, as to what I am drinking or not drinking. I also believe that there are many stereotypical attributes connected with the word alcoholic. And, I was so low when I stopped drinking, I didn't need people making judgements about me. I also believe that honesty is crucial to recovery and so, only once did I try the medication excuse. I felt so uncomfortable with that, that I decided to not lie about it anymore.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
Welcome DJ.
The first time I made a serious and public attempt at sobriety (which lasted several years, unforunately I backslid) I was in my mid 30s and my peers were all high-functioning people and we travelled, drank and partied a lot.
I was completely upfront about why I was no longer drinking. I was not ashamed - in fact I was a LOT more ashamed of my behaviour when drunk and blacked out! It actually didn't cross my mind that there would be a "negative social stigma" with telling people I was an alcoholic. Truthfully for the most part I didn't make a big deal out of it, no announcements...I just stopped drinking and if someone asked me why, I told them why. There certainly was a nss with driving while drinking, passing out at parties, going off in rages on unsuspecting people, sleeping with men I met in bars and couldn't remember their names in the morning, etc.
My friends, the real ones, were all very supportive. Some even arranged sober events to include me, because I stopped going to a lot of social things initially to avoid alcohol. I recall one good drinking friend being a bit uncomfortable with it, but she was also a closet alcoholic, so what does that tell ya....
The first time I made a serious and public attempt at sobriety (which lasted several years, unforunately I backslid) I was in my mid 30s and my peers were all high-functioning people and we travelled, drank and partied a lot.
I was completely upfront about why I was no longer drinking. I was not ashamed - in fact I was a LOT more ashamed of my behaviour when drunk and blacked out! It actually didn't cross my mind that there would be a "negative social stigma" with telling people I was an alcoholic. Truthfully for the most part I didn't make a big deal out of it, no announcements...I just stopped drinking and if someone asked me why, I told them why. There certainly was a nss with driving while drinking, passing out at parties, going off in rages on unsuspecting people, sleeping with men I met in bars and couldn't remember their names in the morning, etc.
My friends, the real ones, were all very supportive. Some even arranged sober events to include me, because I stopped going to a lot of social things initially to avoid alcohol. I recall one good drinking friend being a bit uncomfortable with it, but she was also a closet alcoholic, so what does that tell ya....
The New Me starting 1/11/09
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: California
Posts: 678
Hi DJ -
Welcome to SR. I understand your story completely, as my job involves travel, staying in lots of hotels (with hotel bars), a business-social scene that involves lots of drinking... etc.
But, as others have said, dealing with others when I stopped drinking wasn't as big a deal as I thought it would be.
As an alcoholic, I thought about alcohol a lot - how I would get it, how I could drink as I wanted to without others knowing while on the road, how I would drink before I went out to business functions (because I couldn't drink THAT much in front of my client), etc. When I stopped drinking, I was surprised how little others actually thought about my drinking. After one "I'm not drinking", they moved on and never spoke of it again.
There will be a couple of people who will egg you on to drink, and those people you need to either stop hanging out with or be firm with them about not drinking (if they are a boss or client, for example).
As for excuses to not drink, I find that honesty is the best, but you don't have to tell everyone that you are an alcoholic, but rather just say "I'm not drinking tonight." This is also a recovery mantra as in "I'm just not going to drink today -- tomorrow, I'll worry about later." (and then tomorrow becomes today and so on).
I think it is great that you are recognizing this now. I too thought of myself as a High Functioning Alcoholic when I stopped drinking. I use the past tense because I now realize that High Functioning is just a stage of alcoholism and not a type of alcoholic. So, you are lucky to see it now.
But, with that said, this is one of the hardest things to do in one's life -- to stop an addiction. I found that I needed a lot of support and needed to actively work on my program of recovery. For me, this is AA + SR + working with other alcoholics, but there are other programs as well. The point is that you generally can't do this alone. The little voices come back and start telling you that "I wasn't so bad.... I can just have one ... What is it going to hurt?"
Read the stories here. Read the friends and family section. See the despair - and hope - in people's posts.
You have been given a gift - a gift of honesty at a very early stage of your alcoholism. Now you need to bring the willingness and open-mindedness to do whatever it takes to get the joys and benefits of living a life that doesn't require alcohol to live.
Welcome to SR. I understand your story completely, as my job involves travel, staying in lots of hotels (with hotel bars), a business-social scene that involves lots of drinking... etc.
But, as others have said, dealing with others when I stopped drinking wasn't as big a deal as I thought it would be.
As an alcoholic, I thought about alcohol a lot - how I would get it, how I could drink as I wanted to without others knowing while on the road, how I would drink before I went out to business functions (because I couldn't drink THAT much in front of my client), etc. When I stopped drinking, I was surprised how little others actually thought about my drinking. After one "I'm not drinking", they moved on and never spoke of it again.
There will be a couple of people who will egg you on to drink, and those people you need to either stop hanging out with or be firm with them about not drinking (if they are a boss or client, for example).
As for excuses to not drink, I find that honesty is the best, but you don't have to tell everyone that you are an alcoholic, but rather just say "I'm not drinking tonight." This is also a recovery mantra as in "I'm just not going to drink today -- tomorrow, I'll worry about later." (and then tomorrow becomes today and so on).
I think it is great that you are recognizing this now. I too thought of myself as a High Functioning Alcoholic when I stopped drinking. I use the past tense because I now realize that High Functioning is just a stage of alcoholism and not a type of alcoholic. So, you are lucky to see it now.
But, with that said, this is one of the hardest things to do in one's life -- to stop an addiction. I found that I needed a lot of support and needed to actively work on my program of recovery. For me, this is AA + SR + working with other alcoholics, but there are other programs as well. The point is that you generally can't do this alone. The little voices come back and start telling you that "I wasn't so bad.... I can just have one ... What is it going to hurt?"
Read the stories here. Read the friends and family section. See the despair - and hope - in people's posts.
You have been given a gift - a gift of honesty at a very early stage of your alcoholism. Now you need to bring the willingness and open-mindedness to do whatever it takes to get the joys and benefits of living a life that doesn't require alcohol to live.
Dismember
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
Hey DJPilot,
Good to hear you're looking to get out of that tangle. I was also in my mid-late twenties when I drank too hard and subsequently quit. I was also worried how my partying friends would take to it. Luckily, all my friends were supportive and we've got new means of spending time together. It's actually kind of nice, I feel more connection with them sober.
As for the stigma and calling yourself an alcoholic. You are not responsible for the stigma. That's society and history's problem. If being out as an alcoholic causes you discomfort I would say absolutely don't do it. Just be someone who doesn't drink. In my opinion, one's addictions are as much the world's business as their sexuality, religion or cholesterol count.
Good to hear you're looking to get out of that tangle. I was also in my mid-late twenties when I drank too hard and subsequently quit. I was also worried how my partying friends would take to it. Luckily, all my friends were supportive and we've got new means of spending time together. It's actually kind of nice, I feel more connection with them sober.
As for the stigma and calling yourself an alcoholic. You are not responsible for the stigma. That's society and history's problem. If being out as an alcoholic causes you discomfort I would say absolutely don't do it. Just be someone who doesn't drink. In my opinion, one's addictions are as much the world's business as their sexuality, religion or cholesterol count.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
Welcome to SR and great first post. I would not worry as of today what you will tell people. Its more important that you just concentrate on feeling better and getting healthy. You can tell people that you are on a health kick. This is until you are comfortable with your new lifestyle and no, you don't "have" to admit your an alcoholic to anyone else in my opinion. It is your business. Glad you joined and welcome once again!
I too was going to suggest just saying you're on a regimen to better your health and not drinking is one of the things you're doing to get healthier.Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: canada
Posts: 84
Great post seeing as my co-wrokers were just discussing going out for a few drinks after work soon. I was busy concentrating on being sober one day at a time and that I hadn't thought about these situations yet. I guess we'll see what I am confortable saying at the time. I think I will use, not in the mood for one or on a healthy regimen for now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 218
Welcome to SR! I'm 27 and have about 4 months sober...I relate to your being worried about telling others you are an alcoholic, etc. I worried about it more at first and it has gotten extremely easy now. I started out just keeping to myself and trying to develop new friendships in AA that don't involve alcohol. Little by little, all my good friends know and I have found that no one has pressured me to drink. I do get invited to social events less than I did before but that is okay with me. My sober life is full and happy!
I would take the lead of mayson, above, and just worry about not drinking today. That's what I concentrated on at first. I just tell people "I don't drink anymore." If they want more details, I have no problem telling them because who knows, they might be in the same boat and I just don't know it. If they judge me, that's okay with me because they probably would be judging me drunk or sober if that's how they are.
Most people I care about have been very happy very me and have asked very few questions.
I would take the lead of mayson, above, and just worry about not drinking today. That's what I concentrated on at first. I just tell people "I don't drink anymore." If they want more details, I have no problem telling them because who knows, they might be in the same boat and I just don't know it. If they judge me, that's okay with me because they probably would be judging me drunk or sober if that's how they are.
Most people I care about have been very happy very me and have asked very few questions.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
Hi DJ
Drinking was a big deal to me for many years - and stopping was too. What will people think? How will it look? what will I say? will I lose friends, will I be made fun of?
I ended up an all day every day drinker -I nearly died....
Do whats right for you, DJ.
I lied a few times too - medication etc - but it just felt stupid.
I just say 'no thanks I don't drink anymore' these days. If they ask why, say why not.
There's really no comeback to that
D
Drinking was a big deal to me for many years - and stopping was too. What will people think? How will it look? what will I say? will I lose friends, will I be made fun of?
I ended up an all day every day drinker -I nearly died....
Do whats right for you, DJ.
I lied a few times too - medication etc - but it just felt stupid.
I just say 'no thanks I don't drink anymore' these days. If they ask why, say why not.
There's really no comeback to that
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 4
Thanks all for the positive replies. I've been hiding out in my apartment for about 24 hours now avoiding friends because I know they'll want to go out and drink. It's been especially difficult because it's Thanksgiving and everyone is home, but I know I'll make it through this time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
DJ, I think you want to remember that not drinking will be important enough to run the risk of being dropped off some friend lists and even the possiblity of people yapping about you. You mentioned you thought it would be worth it to give up friends but then there was an indication soon after that you would be wondering what people were saying about you. So unless I am reading between the wrong lines, I think you are still of two minds on this front. Nothing to be ashamed of, naturally.
When it comes to the social dimension of getting on with a new life, you will probably ask yourself many times what the right thing to say is, what the right stance is. I think some of the opinions you see here will say that you should always be honest, some that you should weight the situation each time, and so on. I don't find that there is a black/white answer to "What should I say" and "Do I tell the truth?" I think honesty is important, but I think the honesty to yourself about what your relationship with alcohol is the one that supersedes everything else IF you are not drinking. (If you go back to it or don't stop, then that just means you are leading a double life and drowning out your reality with drunkenness, which is what I did; what many people do.) The reason I say the self-honesty is the most important is that you can't have an answer that works in all cases. In work circles, I don't think it is necessarily putting yourself in danger to keep it a little more guarded, in the closet. Sometimes I think of social conversation with people in work circles as ongoing interview material (reputation management). In that context, my alcoholism doesn't necessarily need to be on the table. Using a medical reason sounds fine if you need an easy way out of prodding questions. Even knowledgeable alcoholics in recovery ask nagging questions of others. (I have one in my midst who asks me about my weekend plans, making me feel like I am not active enough, only to find she does the same homebody things that I do.)
I don't know what your crowd is like, but if it is that hard to avoid alcohol consumption in order to be cool, I don't know. Where are the locations where it would be tough to stand out as a non-drinker? You could break it down this way a few times when you picture the different contexts. Maybe those are the places you don't need to be, and maybe those are the people that you take your sweet time getting back to; maybe they get totally written off.
But as you do this sort of inventory overhaul, remember the goal. I did inventory overhauls (gathering strength to drop people and move on) while hanging onto drinking. Once I dumped a drinking buddy because of his excessive drinking and influence, but I sure didn't want to stop drinking and it didn't happen that decade.
I think you are doing the smart thing by hashing all this out. I recommend looking at what the priorities are regularly, what works and what doesn't, and keeping an eye on all the things that can present a risk. If you include something like AA, that will probably help you to adjust (because it's in everyone's nature to wiggle out of our own goals).
When it comes to the social dimension of getting on with a new life, you will probably ask yourself many times what the right thing to say is, what the right stance is. I think some of the opinions you see here will say that you should always be honest, some that you should weight the situation each time, and so on. I don't find that there is a black/white answer to "What should I say" and "Do I tell the truth?" I think honesty is important, but I think the honesty to yourself about what your relationship with alcohol is the one that supersedes everything else IF you are not drinking. (If you go back to it or don't stop, then that just means you are leading a double life and drowning out your reality with drunkenness, which is what I did; what many people do.) The reason I say the self-honesty is the most important is that you can't have an answer that works in all cases. In work circles, I don't think it is necessarily putting yourself in danger to keep it a little more guarded, in the closet. Sometimes I think of social conversation with people in work circles as ongoing interview material (reputation management). In that context, my alcoholism doesn't necessarily need to be on the table. Using a medical reason sounds fine if you need an easy way out of prodding questions. Even knowledgeable alcoholics in recovery ask nagging questions of others. (I have one in my midst who asks me about my weekend plans, making me feel like I am not active enough, only to find she does the same homebody things that I do.)
I don't know what your crowd is like, but if it is that hard to avoid alcohol consumption in order to be cool, I don't know. Where are the locations where it would be tough to stand out as a non-drinker? You could break it down this way a few times when you picture the different contexts. Maybe those are the places you don't need to be, and maybe those are the people that you take your sweet time getting back to; maybe they get totally written off.
But as you do this sort of inventory overhaul, remember the goal. I did inventory overhauls (gathering strength to drop people and move on) while hanging onto drinking. Once I dumped a drinking buddy because of his excessive drinking and influence, but I sure didn't want to stop drinking and it didn't happen that decade.
I think you are doing the smart thing by hashing all this out. I recommend looking at what the priorities are regularly, what works and what doesn't, and keeping an eye on all the things that can present a risk. If you include something like AA, that will probably help you to adjust (because it's in everyone's nature to wiggle out of our own goals).
One moment at a time.
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 213
Originally Posted by DJPilot 
It may ruin some friendships, but if it does, I know the friendships it ruins are not REAL friendships. I'm really excited about the possibility of a sober life and all it has to offer, but I don't want everyone running around saying I'm an alcoholic. I do admit to being an alcoholic, but I don't want the whole negative social stigma. Is there anything I can do to prevent this? Or should I just tell the truth to everybody? Thanks for the help.
Have any of you told people any other reasons for your sobriety? I was thinking about telling friends that I was on medication and could not drink anymore.
Have any of you told people any other reasons for your sobriety? I was thinking about telling friends that I was on medication and could not drink anymore.
As for telling people about your sobriety?? For me I don't deem it necessary to bring up my story or facts on why I don't drink.. I simply say that it is just a personal choice. But, if it does come up during casual conversation and I feel that I am comfortable enough and the other person is willing to hear, I will bring up some of those facts and maybe even tell my story, it really all depends. I feel you should not be afraid to talk about it.. I wouldn't push it though, if it comes up in casual conversation than I would see no problem in talking about it, if the person you talk about it with gives you a hard time and gives there opinions and other things just let them.. It's your recovery not theirs so don't let it effect your attitude on why you quit.. They may perhaps be sick themselves...
You are definitelly in the right place, this site is a good start to a recovery and there are many programs out there that will help you on a new path of sobriety, I would recommend you give the program of Alcoholics Anonymous a shot, I promise you will find great friends in there aswell..
Again welcome, and I hope you stick around!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 4
Thanks for all the great advice guys. I've started telling people that I'm going to take a break from drinking for a while. Then, in a month or so, that "break" will suddenly turn into no drinking permanently.
I have so many alcoholics in my family, I'll tell everyone I'm worried about my family history and I just thought it was the right time to stop drinking.
It's been a lonely last couple of days, but I can't describe how great it is to wake up early on a Saturday and enjoy breakfast and coffee with no hangover!
I'm thinking about going to an AA meeting this weekend or next. I know I'll need a support network to prevent me from drinking again, and I keep getting the lingering thoughts in my head that maybe I CAN just drink one beer. I know this is not true, and I need to be extra vigilant when these thoughts pop into my head.
I never had a problem stopping after one beer, but when I would commit to binge drinking I would blackout and turn into an animal. Anyway, thanks for all the support, and I'll keep everyone posted on my progress.
I have so many alcoholics in my family, I'll tell everyone I'm worried about my family history and I just thought it was the right time to stop drinking.
It's been a lonely last couple of days, but I can't describe how great it is to wake up early on a Saturday and enjoy breakfast and coffee with no hangover!
I'm thinking about going to an AA meeting this weekend or next. I know I'll need a support network to prevent me from drinking again, and I keep getting the lingering thoughts in my head that maybe I CAN just drink one beer. I know this is not true, and I need to be extra vigilant when these thoughts pop into my head.
I never had a problem stopping after one beer, but when I would commit to binge drinking I would blackout and turn into an animal. Anyway, thanks for all the support, and I'll keep everyone posted on my progress.
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