What to do about Flashbacks?
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Join Date: Mar 2010
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What to do about Flashbacks?
Happy Thanksgiving All - I counted this board among my blessings today.
I haven't posted in a while because I haven't been in a "good place" - depression, negativity, sadness, isolation and more.
The good news - still NC.
The bad news - I've been experiencing flashbacks to the times in the relationship where I had hunches about his cheating and find myself piecing scenes, stories and lies to validate my hunches. For example, I've been recalling the time when he was helping the 24 year old relative of a friend whom I sensed was more than a friend despite a huge age difference between them. I recall his sudden interest in the gym, his need to bring his "male co-worker" the watermelon gum he so loved, his request for help in downloading music from ITunes even though he wasn't a music lover and his refusal to kiss me in front of the young lady. I remember how this young woman I barely knew literally ran to be in a photo with us and my feeling that my space had been invaded etc. etc. etc.
I recycle this kind of thinking numerous times in one day. I know it isn't helping me move forward and only serves to keep me in the hole I'm in, but I'm tremendously challenged in managing it. I'd appreciate it hearing your esh.
I haven't posted in a while because I haven't been in a "good place" - depression, negativity, sadness, isolation and more.
The good news - still NC.
The bad news - I've been experiencing flashbacks to the times in the relationship where I had hunches about his cheating and find myself piecing scenes, stories and lies to validate my hunches. For example, I've been recalling the time when he was helping the 24 year old relative of a friend whom I sensed was more than a friend despite a huge age difference between them. I recall his sudden interest in the gym, his need to bring his "male co-worker" the watermelon gum he so loved, his request for help in downloading music from ITunes even though he wasn't a music lover and his refusal to kiss me in front of the young lady. I remember how this young woman I barely knew literally ran to be in a photo with us and my feeling that my space had been invaded etc. etc. etc.
I recycle this kind of thinking numerous times in one day. I know it isn't helping me move forward and only serves to keep me in the hole I'm in, but I'm tremendously challenged in managing it. I'd appreciate it hearing your esh.
2nd chance at a 1st cl*** life
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Jose, Ca
Posts: 492
It's hard for me to comment on your troubles. I can suggest very few things. I would do something nice for yourself. Buy yourself something nice that you've been wanting. Treat yourself to a day at the spa. Anything to make yourself feel good. I'm not a woman so its hard for me to suggest things from a male perspective. Remember whatever he did wasn't your fault. Some of us guys are A-holes. I'm one, but I'm actively trying to change my life and my ways. I hope this can help you.
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
Happy Thanksgiving to you Tatli 
Sorry, I don't have much advice to give, but I understand what you're going through. My SRAH still hasn't admitted to having cheated on me, but I do believe he has. When I first left I'd also think about all the different situations that would serve as proof for his infidelity and kept them running on a loop. I think the worst part for me was me questioning myself - from what I had found and heard from others after I moved out, it was pretty much a given that he cheated, but with him constantly denying it, I kept questioning myself. It drove me absolutely insane and made me (physically) sick to my stomach to go through the different scenarios in my head. So at some point, I had to tell myself (at times over and over again) that him cheating didn't mean I wasn't good enough and that I need to accept things for what they are, because nothing I do or think about now would change the past! At that point I also tried to distract myself with other things whenever those thoughts came up. It was mostly at night, because that's the time when my mind usually starts spinning out of control, so I would watch shows in bed to distract myself until I was so tired I'd fall asleep. After a while those thoughts came up less and less, but now I can still get triggered at times (as you can read in one of my recent threads), so obviously I haven't quite worked through all of those emotions! Sorry can't be of more help, but I wish you lots of strengths and good on you for staying NC
Are you you seeing a counselor?
Sorry, I don't have much advice to give, but I understand what you're going through. My SRAH still hasn't admitted to having cheated on me, but I do believe he has. When I first left I'd also think about all the different situations that would serve as proof for his infidelity and kept them running on a loop. I think the worst part for me was me questioning myself - from what I had found and heard from others after I moved out, it was pretty much a given that he cheated, but with him constantly denying it, I kept questioning myself. It drove me absolutely insane and made me (physically) sick to my stomach to go through the different scenarios in my head. So at some point, I had to tell myself (at times over and over again) that him cheating didn't mean I wasn't good enough and that I need to accept things for what they are, because nothing I do or think about now would change the past! At that point I also tried to distract myself with other things whenever those thoughts came up. It was mostly at night, because that's the time when my mind usually starts spinning out of control, so I would watch shows in bed to distract myself until I was so tired I'd fall asleep. After a while those thoughts came up less and less, but now I can still get triggered at times (as you can read in one of my recent threads), so obviously I haven't quite worked through all of those emotions! Sorry can't be of more help, but I wish you lots of strengths and good on you for staying NC
Are you you seeing a counselor?
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 344
You can drive yourself mad trying to figure these things out. I did. I think I was so severely codependent over his secret sex life that I lost myself nearly completely. I think at one point I should have been institutionalized, not because I was crazy, but because I needed to get away from him. I needed to detox. It took me years to get there, very angry years.
It's codependent behavior. He is responsible for telling you the truth, and for telling you what you deserve to know. Without respect and honesty, you have only madness.
You are responsible for taking care of your own mental health, and if that means getting away from him, so be it.
You may love...but not at ANY cost. No.
Too much turkey yesterday, took a nap, and woke up after a dream of finding liquor bottles stashed all over the house. No more over-eating for me!
It's codependent behavior. He is responsible for telling you the truth, and for telling you what you deserve to know. Without respect and honesty, you have only madness.
You are responsible for taking care of your own mental health, and if that means getting away from him, so be it.
You may love...but not at ANY cost. No.
Too much turkey yesterday, took a nap, and woke up after a dream of finding liquor bottles stashed all over the house. No more over-eating for me!
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I think that sometimes when I was NC with my A, that those piecings together, and the flashbacks were really helpful in one way and really horrible in another way.
They were helpful in the way that it sometimes helped me to stay NC, out of so much anger, and if I could stay with that ANGER, and not let it move into SADNESS I could phase through the regret and humiliation I felt.
The other way that it could sometimes manifest for me was that the unresolved questions and wondering would turn obsessive and SAD and I might have contacted him in a desperate attempt to get some answers.
The answers were never there. And even now, while he is here, sober, calm, nice, not engaging other women at all, and really open about that...Well, I still do not have all the answers about back then. I have more than ever before, but, I have to accept that even now, he is likely only giving me half truths.
Filling in the blanks is dangerous.
Last night I went onto facebook. I saw that a recent one of his (pick one): Girls, conquests, girlfriends, lovers, friends with benefits -popped back up as a friend of his.
She had disappeared from there several months ago. I assumed that he had de-friended her, but I saw her in his list of friends again last night.
I immediately became sick to my stomach, and I felt nervous, scared, and angry.
I decided that I would make no assumptions, and address it directly with him, since I had made the boundaries about the other women.
He was surprised that she was there on his list of friends, said that he had not seen her on there for months, had not heard from her for months. We both looked at it together, and I told him I felt rightfully upset. He deleted her immediately, and called a friend who knows her. It turns out that she had actually deactivated the account for several months, and had apparently just logged back on.
Just seeing her face, just remembering the terrible unknowns...I was shaking with anxiety.
Luckily he did not get defensive or angry. He just said, "I am sorry that she is even out there for you to see."
I asked a few questions. He answered. He pretty much says that he cannot put logic to the actions he took in those alcohol soaked times. He claims he can remember a lot, but, really his actions were motivated by things he cannot account for now, in his current state.
He claims that, when sober he would not even want to spend time with her at all, she is not someone he likes..and that when he was sober, he did not see her.
She was,he says, and all of the girls he saw and had times with, ongoing or one nighters, people who allowed, enabled and did not question his self annhilalation(sp?)...
He says that they would never have asked of him to treat them, or himself better. He says when he was sweet, nice ,or caring toward them, that it was always a means to an end, that end being to secure a conducive place or person with which to drink freely and with total abandon and denial about his real life, his family.
I have to float through the unknowns. He is here, now, and still, sometimes I dont know if I can overcome the hurts. Even when he talks, I remember texts I have read that sure seemed like he liked her, I remember him defending her or them, and I cannot antriely surrender into trust. It is broken, maybe mending?
Just my experience in commiseration with you, and maybe something here can help.
They were helpful in the way that it sometimes helped me to stay NC, out of so much anger, and if I could stay with that ANGER, and not let it move into SADNESS I could phase through the regret and humiliation I felt.
The other way that it could sometimes manifest for me was that the unresolved questions and wondering would turn obsessive and SAD and I might have contacted him in a desperate attempt to get some answers.
The answers were never there. And even now, while he is here, sober, calm, nice, not engaging other women at all, and really open about that...Well, I still do not have all the answers about back then. I have more than ever before, but, I have to accept that even now, he is likely only giving me half truths.
Filling in the blanks is dangerous.
Last night I went onto facebook. I saw that a recent one of his (pick one): Girls, conquests, girlfriends, lovers, friends with benefits -popped back up as a friend of his.
She had disappeared from there several months ago. I assumed that he had de-friended her, but I saw her in his list of friends again last night.
I immediately became sick to my stomach, and I felt nervous, scared, and angry.
I decided that I would make no assumptions, and address it directly with him, since I had made the boundaries about the other women.
He was surprised that she was there on his list of friends, said that he had not seen her on there for months, had not heard from her for months. We both looked at it together, and I told him I felt rightfully upset. He deleted her immediately, and called a friend who knows her. It turns out that she had actually deactivated the account for several months, and had apparently just logged back on.
Just seeing her face, just remembering the terrible unknowns...I was shaking with anxiety.
Luckily he did not get defensive or angry. He just said, "I am sorry that she is even out there for you to see."
I asked a few questions. He answered. He pretty much says that he cannot put logic to the actions he took in those alcohol soaked times. He claims he can remember a lot, but, really his actions were motivated by things he cannot account for now, in his current state.
He claims that, when sober he would not even want to spend time with her at all, she is not someone he likes..and that when he was sober, he did not see her.
She was,he says, and all of the girls he saw and had times with, ongoing or one nighters, people who allowed, enabled and did not question his self annhilalation(sp?)...
He says that they would never have asked of him to treat them, or himself better. He says when he was sweet, nice ,or caring toward them, that it was always a means to an end, that end being to secure a conducive place or person with which to drink freely and with total abandon and denial about his real life, his family.
I have to float through the unknowns. He is here, now, and still, sometimes I dont know if I can overcome the hurts. Even when he talks, I remember texts I have read that sure seemed like he liked her, I remember him defending her or them, and I cannot antriely surrender into trust. It is broken, maybe mending?
Just my experience in commiseration with you, and maybe something here can help.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 62
Hello Brokenheartfool:
Thank you for sharing your experience. It helps to know I'm not alone.
"You may love...but not at ANY cost. No."
I try to remind myself of this everyday. This board helps me to do that.
"Too much turkey yesterday, took a nap, and woke up after a dream of finding liquor bottles stashed all over the house. No more over-eating for me."
Haha - last night I too had a dream. He and I we were snuggling, but I couldn't turn in the bed. When I looked behind me, there was a third person with us...and he was a guy!?!?!?!
I'm seeing ghosts!
Thank you for sharing your experience. It helps to know I'm not alone.
"You may love...but not at ANY cost. No."
I try to remind myself of this everyday. This board helps me to do that.
"Too much turkey yesterday, took a nap, and woke up after a dream of finding liquor bottles stashed all over the house. No more over-eating for me."
Haha - last night I too had a dream. He and I we were snuggling, but I couldn't turn in the bed. When I looked behind me, there was a third person with us...and he was a guy!?!?!?!
I'm seeing ghosts!
Last edited by TatliGuzelim; 11-26-2010 at 09:56 AM. Reason: I didn't quote as I wanted. I'm editing to respond to using poster's name specifically.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi Tatli. When I was going through this the pain was so bad I did not think I would survive. What helped me when I was in the acute stages of this was the Serenity Prayer. I literally would just say that prayer over and over again. Sometimes I would start the prayer over again before I finished it. Sometimes I had to focus on each and every word of the prayer. Focusing on the Serenity Prayer got me through till my next Alanon meeting until I was strong enough that I did not have these obtrusive thoughts like you describe. Therapy also helped me put my life into perspective and regain basic control of myself. I hope you are feeling better soon. And yes, please stay No Contact.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 62
Originally Posted by Buffalo66 
They were helpful in the way that it sometimes helped me to stay NC, out of so much anger, and if I could stay with that ANGER, and not let it move into SADNESS I could phase through the regret and humiliation I felt.
Originally Posted by Buffalo66
The other way that it could sometimes manifest for me was that the unresolved questions and wondering would turn obsessive and SAD and I might have contacted him in a desperate attempt to get some answers.
Originally Posted by Buffalo66
Filling in the blanks is dangerous.
Originally Posted by Buffalo66
Just seeing her face, just remembering the terrible unknowns...I was shaking with anxiety.............I have to float through the unknowns. He is here, now, and still, sometimes I dont know if I can overcome the hurts. Even when he talks, I remember texts I have read that sure seemed like he liked her, I remember him defending her or them, and I cannot entriely surrender into trust.
Originally Posted by Buffalo66
Just my experience in commiseration with you, and maybe something here can help.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Tatli I got two suggestions that have helped me
1 yoga. The ultimate rest. Doing yoga is when I truly rest.
2 draw a ridiculous little "monster" as if that was the hurtful voice. Put it around and when it comes just see its the "monster" chattering, the funnier the better
For me it has been 2 years NC and those obsessive thoughts still come sometimes, when they do I pick up one of the Melody Beatty books or read here, slowly all the ideas and new patterns are sinking in. Patience!! the most important thing is that we keep NO CONTACT. Hope you get a counselor soon!
1 yoga. The ultimate rest. Doing yoga is when I truly rest.
2 draw a ridiculous little "monster" as if that was the hurtful voice. Put it around and when it comes just see its the "monster" chattering, the funnier the better
For me it has been 2 years NC and those obsessive thoughts still come sometimes, when they do I pick up one of the Melody Beatty books or read here, slowly all the ideas and new patterns are sinking in. Patience!! the most important thing is that we keep NO CONTACT. Hope you get a counselor soon!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 62
L2L & TC - Thank you very much.
I say the Serenity Prayer often and will work on using it to stop the obsessive thoughts.
I've done yoga before and enjoyed it. Your suggestion will give me a reason to return to the gym which would be a "win" in a lot of ways.
Haha about the Little Monster. He might bring to life a mental process that I I'd like to stop. Kinda like the rubber band I snapped on my wrist when I was craving a cigarette during my quit.
I say the Serenity Prayer often and will work on using it to stop the obsessive thoughts.
I've done yoga before and enjoyed it. Your suggestion will give me a reason to return to the gym which would be a "win" in a lot of ways.
Haha about the Little Monster. He might bring to life a mental process that I I'd like to stop. Kinda like the rubber band I snapped on my wrist when I was craving a cigarette during my quit.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 344
Originally Posted by TatliGuzelim
Hello Brokenheartfool:
Thank you for sharing your experience. It helps to know I'm not alone.
"You may love...but not at ANY cost. No."
I try to remind myself of this everyday. This board helps me to do that.
"Too much turkey yesterday, took a nap, and woke up after a dream of finding liquor bottles stashed all over the house. No more over-eating for me."
Haha - last night I too had a dream. He and I we were snuggling, but I couldn't turn in the bed. When I looked behind me, there was a third person with us...and he was a guy!?!?!?!
I'm seeing ghosts!
Thank you for sharing your experience. It helps to know I'm not alone.
"You may love...but not at ANY cost. No."
I try to remind myself of this everyday. This board helps me to do that.
"Too much turkey yesterday, took a nap, and woke up after a dream of finding liquor bottles stashed all over the house. No more over-eating for me."
Haha - last night I too had a dream. He and I we were snuggling, but I couldn't turn in the bed. When I looked behind me, there was a third person with us...and he was a guy!?!?!?!
I'm seeing ghosts!It is just a fear. This will never happen to you, you won't let it. Perhaps you fear that your boundaries in the past were too weak and made you vulnerable. I know how it is. The imaginative mind can be a curse as well as a blessing.
It is scary when we don't know the limitations of a partner's sexuality, or if there are any limits at all! But we are sure of one thing, and that it is far beyond what we can be comfortable with.
Hope your dreams and mine are better tonight. I ate much lighter!
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