My Sons

Old 11-24-2010, 09:54 PM
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My Sons

Hi Everyone,

Some here my know better of what I am talking about, more so I guess our longer members. Just briefly, I was married to an addict, became so 7 years ago after we had been married for 17 years had two sons ages 12 and 14 then, they are now 19 and 21 and I have had a some very hard times with the boys since their dad left.

About 6 months ago my 19yr son and I had quit a battle, for some reason or another our garage became his possesion, as he did the same when his dad left to the home we use to live in. Should I put anything in the garage the next day he had it out. He just kept it up here. I do have a knew companion (it has been 7 almost 8 years ago since their dad left the family) he put some of his work material in the garage, neatly in a corner. He ask if it would be ok and I said yes, but inside I was worried sick about how the son was going to react. He left the things alone, but would make smart arse remarks to me when we were by ourselves. I got a knew washer and had to put the old one in the garage until I could get rid of it. My son went into the garage and a blew a fit, picked up the washer and threw it on the lawn plus what ever else was in his sight. Screaming and haulering at me swearing, my friend came out and told him to put a lid on his mouth and he just blew even more. I had to call the rcmp, they did really nothing just got things calmed down a bit and waited until my son left again. I am not going to go into every detail but it was a very upsetting day. He came by a few times after that and would just go into the garage I would stay inside, but if we came face to face he would call me f'n B + ect. He stayed away for sometime and has come by the odd time, not much. There would be no conversation he would just go into the garage. Then he was outside and I went out and said it was nice to see him, he no comment. He has a knew truck and asked him if he minded if I went and took a look at it, he said go ahead. I thought that was a bit of a step for the better. Our Thanksgiving was in Sept, I tried for a week to call him, let him know I was cooking a turkey, even just to stop by and take some to his place. He refuses to answer my calls, has no voice mail on his cell, but he can see my number coming up. I try at least once a week to call him, but he refuses to answer. On his 19th birthday I asked his brother to ask him if it would be ok if (I) came and met up with them for a 1/2 hour, he texted back and said no I could not come. With all the cold snaps, I have made up Chili, sheps pie ect and frozen packages up for both the boys. My oldest took his tonight and I said I have some for your brother to, he said " don't bother, he will not take it from you".

This is really starting to take its tole on me. Some say wait until he has been out on his own for a bit and then he will start to realize...but he is not budging. I know he wants my friend gone, but this kind of stuff and more was going on long before. I have seen families that have had their children taken away in some real bad situations, then the children get to go back again and they love their parents to death. I know they went through a terrible time with all that went on with their dad, it hurt them so deeply, plus know there were times when I was an emotional mess and probably not to stable to them.

Why today was more bothersome at work for me I don't know, as I see them everyday, just all the young men his age, just really kept tearing me up. I work in the cafeteria in a University.

Sorry for lingering on and on!

Rose
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Old 11-24-2010, 10:59 PM
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Sorry to hear their is conflict w/ your son.
I know how that can sting.
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Old 11-24-2010, 11:15 PM
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I don't want to pry into your personal biz, but u mentioned that dad left. Is he not even present in your sons lives? When you say left do you mean he skipped out or passed on? Sorry, if its to personal, please don't feel that you have to answer. About the garage, does your son use it as his room and that's why he gets so crazy about it. If not all i can say is that its your house, should be your rules. If he wants to act like a jerk about it, out your foot down. I can somewhat relate to hin though. I was rebellious and I tried to take hold over things that were not rightfully mine. As soon as someone talked (screamed) some sense into me I calmed down. Sorry you have to go through this, I imagine it must be tough. I wish you well and God bless you.
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Old 11-24-2010, 11:50 PM
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Thank you John, what I ment by their dad leaving...I found out that my husband was using crack cocaine in Sept 2003, he was working away out of town. From the time I found out in Sept to Dec 23, 2003 he had done 4 armed robberies was arrested and from there on he spent probably 4 years in and out of jail. The boys wanted nothing to do with him. When he was not in jail he lived about 2 hours away from us, 2 years ago he moved to another province. My 21 year old will now have a telephone conversation with him, that has been since he was about 15, so 6 years of no contact, but my younger son 19 will still have nothing to do with him.

As for the garage, it is a garage, he has and has always had his own bedroom. I wish talking to him or screaming at him would put some sense into him, but like I said, I had to call the police.

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Old 11-25-2010, 12:44 AM
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Well it seems that your 19yo has a deep seeded resentment towards his father. I'm sure that he felt like dad abondoned him which he has every right to feel. Being without dad in his life for so long has probably taken its toll on him. Has he ever gone to counseling. Usually talking to professional can bring some of the deeper issues to light so that he can learn how to handle them. I feel bad for him. Even though I had my dad in my life physically, he wasn't there emotionally. You know, he was there but be wasn't. He and I never had a good relationship. When I got older (legal to drink) I thought that being drinking buds would be a good way to bond. I was wrong on that one. I'm an alcoholic so is he, but I'm the irresponsible type. I wish I could have a way to bond with him now, but he's off in Mexico roofing off and has been there since April. So in a sense I can relate to your son. If your son hasn't seen a therapist I would recommend it, its best for those suppressed feelings to be brought to light.
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Old 11-25-2010, 05:25 AM
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Rose, you did the right thing to call the police, your son doesn't listen to you so maybe he'll listen to them.

And I am sorry that he continues to show such disrespect for you. Maybe it's time to just let go and let him live in his own dysfunctional world for a while. You can't change him, Rose, anymore than I could change my son. It's up to them to find help when they are ready.

You deserve a better life, Rose, and my thoughts are that if you let go you will be able to enjoy your life so much more. We are entitled to do that, you know, to live our lives well and find some beauty in every day.

Sending big hugs because we've walked this road together for a long time now and I know how rough it can get at times.

Hugs
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Old 11-25-2010, 07:11 AM
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I'm so sorry that you are hurting. Our children can cut us deeper than anyone else can it seems.

But you don't deserve to be treated like that. Perhaps he knows that he has treated you poorly and for whatever reason, he can control the feelings that you trigger so he feels it's best to have distance for a while.

While my son was living on the streets and for the weeks at a time that I didn't know where he was or if he was okay, someone suggested to me that every time I felt that overwhelming painful feeling in my chest that I imagine that it is a hug from my son. And that every time I start to worry, that I turn that worry over to my HP in the form of love and a hug and ask my HP to deliver it to my dear son. It helped me.

A Mom's heart is so open and can feel such deep pain when their children aren't "ok". Take care of yourself Rose. You can't control him.....so let him be for a while. Your son is at that age where he is trying to become a man....and sometimes Mom's can confuse them in that transition even when we don't mean to.

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Old 11-25-2010, 09:40 PM
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Thanks everyone for your replies,

John I only wish I could make him go and see someone, you know he has the tough guy attitude. He has so much anger built up inside that it is worrisome as to the trouble he is causing and the trouble to come should he not seek some help. I think and think as to what I can do to get us onto an even keel, thought I would write him a letter, but I can see he would not even read it, he would crumple it up in a ball and toss it in the garbage. As I have seen him do this with each card or letter that his dad sent to him.

I think the only thing I can do is hand it over to my HP and keep telling myself I am letting go with love. You would think that I would have now learned to not let it get to me so much, as this has been going on for so long it still stings each and everytime.

I am telling my HP, yourselves, myself, god and anyone else who hears me, "I love my Son to Death, I don't know what else to do and I don't know why he chooses to treat me with such disrespect, I know I have made my mistakes along the way, never ever would I have done anything that I knew would hurt or upset him, either of them. I do know that I would go to over and beyond to make them happy, even if it wasn't good for me, as long as it made them happy and there was a way I could do it, it was done.
Now I was not the only one doing this, so did their dad before all of this addiction choas started.

Now as I type on and get more of this out, is it possible that they were so spoiled that they get so angry because they can't have what they want. They know how upset I get when this goes on. I know the older he got the more demanding he became, acually both of the boys. I can't give it to them anymore and they are going to teach me? I know there is a lot more than just this bottled up inside them than this, but it might have a great deal to do with it as well.

Rose
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Old 11-26-2010, 07:52 AM
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My son is in the early stages of recovery and we are having good talks for the first time in a very long time......the last being when he was sober for four months three years ago. He is 29 years old. We had a great talk last night. He asked "Do you think its just a coincidence that the words 'mother' and 'smother' are only separated by an 's'" We both laughed. But I said "No.....I don't think it's a coincidence.....I think it is a very fine squiggly line between mothering and smothering." We laughed but it hit me that it is very very true.

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Old 11-26-2010, 11:41 AM
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Yes, I to see it...for sure I see that I sure did some smothering.
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Old 11-26-2010, 12:52 PM
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rose, is there any woman in the family that your son respects?
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Old 11-27-2010, 08:53 AM
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Rose, I have been reading your posts for a really long time and you have gone thru so much. I am happy to hear that you have someone in your life, Im sorry if your son isnt happy about it but you deserve a life of your own without the outbursts and temper tantrums from your adult son.'

I wish I knew the words to say to make it better but all I know is You deserve to be happy I will be keeping you in my thoughts
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Old 11-28-2010, 10:03 AM
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Chino,
You bought up a very good question. Something that I have never really taken a look at. Both son's are polite with their female relatives, but they only stay in their presents a very shorttime, enough to say hello, ask how they are and then are gone again. If there is a dinner, they come at 5 if the dinner is at 5:30 and then leave very shortly after dinner. My older son 21 has become more communicative in the last year or so since he has moved out. There are only two woman I can think of that they really relate to, it is the mom's of two of their good friends. Both woman have sort of the same personallities. Both quit bold, harder woman, swear and curse at the boys (their own) and mine two if they act up, probably even grab them by the scruff of their necks. Both boys at different times have told me that I don't even compare to these mom's, belittling me.

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Old 11-28-2010, 10:10 AM
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Thanks so much Lies, no need to feel that you wish to have words of wisdom for me, just being here for me means so much. This week when I felt the sorrow coming on in, I just told myself that I have handed it over to my HP, instantly I lost the sad feelings. Just a wee bit of reminders from our group was enough to get me back on track!

Rose
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Old 11-28-2010, 03:54 PM
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I too have followed your story. I know that you have had many problems with your boys, perhaps it is time to let your younger son go out on his own. He is bitter and has no respect for you.

He may wake up when he has to take care of himself. Who knows he may understand that it wasn't so bad living with mom.
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Old 11-28-2010, 04:24 PM
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I agree with Dollydo. Let him go out on his own and taste the real world for once. He'll learn rather quickly that he just can't treat people like door mats. I know it must be a difficult thing to do, much easier said than done. But honestly its for the best for both of you. You brought him into this world and you don't deserve to be treated the way he treats you. Don't get me wrong I was always very disrespectful to my mother. Like myself she is an alcoholic but she progressed much farther down the scale than I did. I harbored a deep resentment towards her for many years because I didn't understand the workings of the disease. I used to tell her when I was younger that if she loved me she would stop and she didn't. So I thought she didn't love me or care about me so why should I respect her. I had to get the disease myself and get into the program to understand it for myself. My mom still drinks but not as much or as often as she use to, but I can neither work her program for her or take her inventory. I just have to accept her for who she is, my mother and an alcoholic, and show her the respect she deserves from me. If not for her I would not be in this world and I would not have the 2 beautiful bundles of joy that are I'm my life today. I do hope that she can take example from me and start working her program cause I honestly won't have her in my children's lives if she is drunk. I will not allow her to inflict that pain on them and be in and out of their lives as she was with mine. I love my mom and I make it a point to call her every night to let her know I love her, to see how she's doing and to have a small conversation with her. I've heard somewhere, can't remember where, that naturally sons usually have a stronger bond with their mothers. This is true for me anyways. I've always been closer to my mom than I am with my dad, as I mentioned to you in one of my earlier posts. I sincerely hope that your son wisps up and comes around so that he can realise just exactly how much pain he is putting you through. Warm gentle hugs for you Rose.
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Old 11-28-2010, 10:14 PM
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Thanks Everyone,
Both of my sons are on their own, not living with me. My younger one moved out at the end of May. It came to the point that I did not want to come home from work, everyday he was on to me, he wanted me to give him $5000.00 for a car...no! Then he goes to the bank to get a loan, but needs a co-signer, he is after me to co-sign...no again. Then he had outstanding traffic voilations and told me that I was going to be paying them, I just laughed...really I thought he was joking! He wasn't joking at all, he said I stole money from them, that when I sold the family home, the equity that I got should have gone to him and his brother for child support from their dad. The judge signed over the home to me in the divorce settlement in lieu of 7 years without child support and not ever likely to get it. It was some story that their dad came up with, told them that he willing gave up the home so they could get his half. The guy never showed up in court, never replied to any letters from my lawyer, just thought that if he ignored it that we could not proceed, after due time we could proceed and did. He never even knew that we were divorced for 4 months, then has the gull to stir something like this up.

Oneday I came home from work in May and my son had packed and left, I cried my eyes out, sad that this was the way it had gone, but in not to long I could come home without tension. He would come around quit offen and long enough to stir things up and leave again. I had the locks changed so he could not get in, had all the window double lock, but I forgot to double one window and he with his friend got in and took somethings. I was so angry, tried calling him but of course he would not answer me, so I notified his boss that I was coming down to his work and explained why, he agreed. I told him not to ever come into my home again without me there, he called me a Phyco C. He still continued to come and cause havic, like I mention throwing things outside from the garage and swearing at me, I called the police. The end result was he was to call me or the police before he came to get anything from here. The nextday I had an extra bag of garbage, so I put it in the garage so nothing could get at it...well if he doesn't show up and into the garage he goes. I kept my door locked and as he was driving away he saw me looking out the front window, he was giving me the finger and yelling so loud I could here him F-You You B! When I went to leave he had put the bag of garbage up against my front door so when I opened it up the garbage fell inside the house...nice person.

I guess I just best leave things and not try and call him, it is plain that the anger is still there and should he answer and call me names I will be back down again. Like I did post, when I start to get the saddness feelings I am telling myself that I have handed it over to my HP and this seems to calm me.

John, it sounds like you had a rough go with your relationship too with your mom, it is nice to hear that the two of you have astablished things on even ground that works for the both of you. I sure can understand you drawing the line and keeping her behavour away from your children.

Rose
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Old 01-13-2011, 10:00 PM
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Update

Hi Everyone,
Just thought I would post an update and ask for some help. My youngest son came over to my place about a week before Christmas and knocked on the door, he was quite stand offish, but he wanted to know what I was doing for Christmas. I told him that I was staying home and would be cooking the dinner and at this point I am not to sure who is coming, but asked if he would like to come and yes he did. Plans sort of changed and I cooked a roast on Christmas Eve and then to go to my nieces to which we were all welcome. Because of the dislike my son has for my knew man friend, he went to his families on Christmas Eve so there would be less tension in my house with my son. Dinner went fairly well and we make plans for the morning, to come and open gifts and I was making breakfast. My oldest son came at 9:30 am on Christmas morning as planned but there was no sign of the younger one, so the two of us had breakfast and opened our gifts. My oldest son started to get uptight and mad that his brother was not showing up, around noon he said he was going to his place to find out what he was doing. Within minutes of him leaving I was in the bathroom and could hear this horrible yelling only to come out and they were in a fist fight in my livingroom, it was horrible, out in the frontyard they continue to brawl with the neighbours all out watching. My youngest son tore off in his truck and that was the last I saw of him until lastweek he came to pick up some books he needed. At first it was very tense, I went into his room where he was and tried to have a conversation, he really wanted nothing to do with me and made it clear, but I kept trying and he did let his guard down and told me about the school scolarship he won, I told him I was really proud of him. He said he had to go and I gave him a big hug, told him I loved him and to please keep intouch with me, he said yes he would. I was crying so hard. This week a cheque came in the mail for him from the Govenment, he has no phone and really I am not 100 percent sure of where he lives as this is the way he wants it. Around lunchtime yesterday I took the cheque to his work, he works outside in a yard and I know many of the people there as both boys have worked there for several years, one of the men saw me and we were having a chat, nothing but a few laughs. When my son saw me the just glared and turned to walk away as I was walking toward him waving the envolope saying this looks like a happy envolope, he took it from my hand and muttered quitely to me..."Don't you ever come to my work again" I said well I had no way of getting a hold of you (plus I thought we were on kind of good terms from the lasttime he left my house and I wanted to see him) he said again "don't ever, do you get it!" I just walked away and don't even really remember walking to my car, I just wanted to burst into tears. The boys have nothing to do with each other and havent for a few months now. Tonight I talked briefly to my oldest son, which I do see quite a bit, but I felt he was a bit off with me, probably just my own touchy feelings right now after yesterday.

What I am trying to find is a sight like this that deals with what I am going through, I am having a very hardtime right now, this has been going on for so long and it isn't getting any better for me. I am just so sad inside. If anyone knows of a site or has any ideas of a group that I could go to, such as alanon. I don't know where to even start to look, so any advise or suggestions you might have, please let me know.

I am sorry I write a book,

Rose
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Old 01-14-2011, 12:41 AM
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Rose

Your son sounds just like my nephew. My sister and her husband split - he was a bully and voilent to both my sister and the kids. My nephew also took control of the garage - a domain which had been his father's. He also treated my sister like rubbish - in fact the same way his father had done. He is now 19 and still has an aura of entitlement, expects my sister to pay for his driving fines and just yesterday said that good parents should give their kids the deposit for their first home!! He is also completely horrid to any boyfriend my sister has and has broken up many romances. I truly wish my sister had your courage - because it is courage. If she had had your courage and stood up for herself I am sure things would be different. She is terrified of him - has had to call the police on several occasions but never follows through and always makes excused for him. I say to her there are always reasons for the way a person behaves but never excuses. Hang in there and continue to do what you are doing.
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Old 01-14-2011, 02:05 AM
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Rose, my son has treated me with total disrespect for a long time, probably starting soon after he became an addict. My XH deliberately made my son up against me, told him every time he went there what a B**** I am etc. My son has called me every name in the book, destroyed much of my property and when he finally moved out, he left his room in a state that was beyond disgusting for me to clean up.

For years, I would alternate between being very bitter and trying very hard to mend our relationship. I took every word he said as truth and felt so bad because I was obviously a really bad person.

I finally had enough of his disrespect. With the distance between us, I saw that he treated me that way because I became his doormat and he knew how much he could manipulate me with his accusations.

I went through his childhood in my mind and realised that I did more for him than many parents would. I always had his best interest at heart and would make enormous sacrifices so he could be happy. I love him very much and often told and showed it to him. Even though I was a single parent, I travelled great distances in a lot of traffic every day to send him to a private school I could barely afford, because he was so unhappy in his first school. I employed him during his addiction to try and give him something else to live for. Disrespect was all I got in return. I made peace with myself that I did the very best I could for him and I mostly treated him with so much love.

I have totally withdrawn from him. I have not spoken to him since he left in March. The only thing I did was to send him an SMS on his birthday. He has not tried to contact me either.

I am ok with all of this. I cannot have someone in my life anymore that treats me with so much disrespect. I have made peace with the fact that I may never see him again. I do hope and pray that he will leave his addiction behind. Even then, unless he can treat me better I cannot have him in my life.

I have a 15-year old that is the exact opposite. He is loving, hard-working and respectful.

I am telling you all of this to let you know that we do not have to take disrespect from our children and that I have an inkling of how hurt you are. I am the last person who can give advice, but I do know that you deserve better treatment and do not have to tolerate his behaviour.
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