Nikki2003

I am a survivor: I have to get it out

Above is a blog I started to help me heal. It is for my therapy to over come all I have been through.

I do not know how many of you remember me. But I got so much strength her. Most of you never knew the truth. I was hiding it from the world. And now it is all coming out. I just started the blog last week so it is a work in progress.

I am no longer with my AH and will be divorcing him. In fact I am engaged to a wonderful man. But my fight continues in trying to get my kids back from my mother and my ex.

I thought you all deserved an update on how I was doing and to be able to let you know that your support ment so much. My ex is still heavily into drugs and drinking. He has signed away his rights to the kids. But does all he can to keep me from them as well. So still is trying to maintain his control.

Agian thanks so much.

Nikki2003

One thing I am noticing as I write each entry is that I get a feeling of liberation. I am no longer keeping th secrets that these people so desperately wanted me to keep. I am no longer owning their choices or behaviours. I am no longer allowing myself to blame myself for the abuse or the suffering I went through at their hands and words. I still naturally want to blame myself but I am actively doing something to take myself out of that pattern.

Also I feel a huge freedom in finally being able to say this happened. This happened to me. Some of it was because of me being in a very sick place in my mind and making very bad decisions. But most was because of others choices and not my own. People can see me now for me and not what they are led to believe. If they choose to judge me harshly after that then that is their choice. But at least their judgements are based on thruths and no longer lies.

Live

and the truth shall set you free!

best wishes to you!

Kindeyes

Nikki
Journaling helps purge our minds and souls of past hurts. It allows us to leave the past and more toward a brighter future.
gentle hugs

Lunaaa

So happy you are starting to be free,i'll be reading your blog.keep it up

Nikki2003

The hard part in writing these is how people will view me afterwards. I am terrified of losing my friends or losing their respect. I guess it is the part of me that wants to blame myself that makes me stress so much. Each time I write one I get a feeling of freedom and then just before I hit the post key I get a sense of panic. What are people going to think, who will this change how they view me? I have been iscolated for so long by my abusers that I fear losing the friends I have or their respect. But I am also tired of holding it all in. I want people to know me for the real me and not the me that was hiding this terrible secret. I want to be able to talk about the struggles I am going through and get the support from my friends instead of putting on an act so that people do not look down on me or the people who abused me.

Once I hit the post key there is a feeling of liberation along with some fear. I feel like I am stepping into the unknown and that is scary. I know this may sound weird for most but for someone that has been raised in abuse or suffered in domestic violence it becomes normal and in that sense safe. I know a crazy way of thinking but my mental health team says this is normal. The fear of the unknown when people truely see you and what you have been through is the scary part.

Kindeyes

Nikki
I'm glad that you're getting the help you need to overcome the trauma you experienced. The good news is that we don't have to allow our past to define us. Take care of yourself and nurture yourself. You deserve it.
gentle hugs

Nikki2003

Thank you so much. THe one I just posted is about my youngest child and what he endured this past spring and summer and or fight to not only see them but stop what was happening. Really hard to write but a very important part of the story.

Babyblue

And you are a pretty good writer too! I read it and was really moved by your story telling. Awesome job!!

Nikki2003

The past couple of days posts were very hard to put up. Knowing people will finally know that my kids are not here with me. But I also feel free now to talk about the hell I am going through in my fight to get them back with me.