Detaching is hard. Period.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Detaching is hard. Period.
This is really hard. I am detaching from the RABF (if he even is that at this point) because he is deep into his rehab work. Contact between us is limited and at this point I have no idea when I'll hear from him. I wrote a few letters and it was easy at first but now it has gotten very hard. I am too sad. So when the sadness starts to outweigh the good feelings in any relationship for me, that is when I start to detach. But it is so hard. I think about him and my heart literally races in an anxious way. I take a few deep breaths and distract myself or do whatever it takes to think of something else. Even posting on SR is hard because it is due to my relationship with him that I came here. I'm doing this cold turkey I guess. But for me that is the only way.
The thing is I still care so very much. Am hoping he does great at this place and really finds the tools he needs to stay sober. But I am also feeling abandoned, sad, and angry. It is this constant battle so the only way to silence the war is to DETACH. It will get better right?? I don't want to abandon him but he is not available to me, not able to give back to me right now AT ALL. It kills me sometimes. I get flashes of some nice times between us and then think, oh it will be ok, I just need to relax. But then I panic because I don't know if things will continue or progress as he makes progress and I know I can't sit around on pins and needles. So that is why I am detaching. Holidays will keep me busy, I've totally thrown myself into my job like a madwoman. I am going to probably organize and reorganize my closet 400 times in a week. ANYTHING to keep my mind free from him. But when it is quiet or at night, it hits me like a boulder. Am I doing this wrong? Frankly I'm tired about talking about alcoholism, recovery, AA, al -anon, ALL of it. I am maxed out with this world. How did I get here??? I want out of it but I don't want HIM out of my life. It is like visiting a country where I tried to learn the language, get to know the people and customs but I am tired and wanna go home
Get out of Crazyakistan and head back to Normal, Blahtown USA.
The thing is I still care so very much. Am hoping he does great at this place and really finds the tools he needs to stay sober. But I am also feeling abandoned, sad, and angry. It is this constant battle so the only way to silence the war is to DETACH. It will get better right?? I don't want to abandon him but he is not available to me, not able to give back to me right now AT ALL. It kills me sometimes. I get flashes of some nice times between us and then think, oh it will be ok, I just need to relax. But then I panic because I don't know if things will continue or progress as he makes progress and I know I can't sit around on pins and needles. So that is why I am detaching. Holidays will keep me busy, I've totally thrown myself into my job like a madwoman. I am going to probably organize and reorganize my closet 400 times in a week. ANYTHING to keep my mind free from him. But when it is quiet or at night, it hits me like a boulder. Am I doing this wrong? Frankly I'm tired about talking about alcoholism, recovery, AA, al -anon, ALL of it. I am maxed out with this world. How did I get here??? I want out of it but I don't want HIM out of my life. It is like visiting a country where I tried to learn the language, get to know the people and customs but I am tired and wanna go home
Get out of Crazyakistan and head back to Normal, Blahtown USA.
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Hello there Babyblue, and pleased to "meet" you 
Yes, it _is_ hard. That's why there meetings of al-anon and CODA and therapists and SR and hundreds of books and on and on. If it were easy we wouldn't need all that support.
Whenever I get that maxed out feeling you described so well I remember something my sponsor told me about how best to help a loved one thru their addiction. "Recovery begins when the last enabler leaves the room". As hard as it is to do the detachment thing, and all the resto of the "alanoid life", it's still way, way easier than going to their funeral.
So I take a few days off. Do something nice for _me_, like take a drive into the country or get a massage or spend a whole evening at a bookstore. Recharge my "emotional batteries" and then get back to the real world.
What about you? How do you recharge yourself?
Mike
Yes, it _is_ hard. That's why there meetings of al-anon and CODA and therapists and SR and hundreds of books and on and on. If it were easy we wouldn't need all that support.
Whenever I get that maxed out feeling you described so well I remember something my sponsor told me about how best to help a loved one thru their addiction. "Recovery begins when the last enabler leaves the room". As hard as it is to do the detachment thing, and all the resto of the "alanoid life", it's still way, way easier than going to their funeral.
So I take a few days off. Do something nice for _me_, like take a drive into the country or get a massage or spend a whole evening at a bookstore. Recharge my "emotional batteries" and then get back to the real world.
What about you? How do you recharge yourself?
Mike
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Wow I never thought of it that way. Losing him to rehab IS better than the alternative.. going to a funeral as you say.
I have a busy life but lots of demands. I am in therapy. But I do know that I need to find something just for me. Something that had nothing to do with my child or relationships etc. Just for me but finding time is hard
My therapist suggested reconnecting with my interest in music (playing) and I really need to make an effort to do that.
I have a busy life but lots of demands. I am in therapy. But I do know that I need to find something just for me. Something that had nothing to do with my child or relationships etc. Just for me but finding time is hard
My therapist suggested reconnecting with my interest in music (playing) and I really need to make an effort to do that.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Live same for me...
Babyblue, how wonderful, which instrument do you play or which one sparks your interest?? IMHO normal comes back indeed but RELOADED.. life becomes much better than how it was before.. your RABF is in rehab... "my" XABF is probably wasted at this time, if the past is any indication -- and regardless of how they live their life, we can be free and enjoy our lives very much, love and feel loved.
Babyblue, how wonderful, which instrument do you play or which one sparks your interest?? IMHO normal comes back indeed but RELOADED.. life becomes much better than how it was before..
your RABF is in rehab... "my" XABF is probably wasted at this time, if the past is any indication -- and regardless of how they live their life, we can be free and enjoy our lives very much, love and feel loved.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
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Hi, Babyblue. So sorry you are feeling this pain. I know exactly how it feels. Waiting for the next contact, never being satisfied, laying alone in the dark all mixed up, feeling like you're being kept on a string, alternating between sadness and anger, scolding yourself for overreacting or being too needy, and that anxiety that invades your entire being making you physically sick. And normal? What's that? Stay strong, and no contact for a while is really the only way to move on IMO. If it's meant to be...well, you know. xoxo
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I do understand, for me, no contact was the only way out of the haze.
i also engaged in a new hobby---I grow orchids, I love to pamper and protect them,obviously ,I am still a codie! I have at least a hundred plants, and they all are outside, hanging from my tree limbs.
Renewing or starting a new hobby is a sure fire way to get you on the right track.
i also engaged in a new hobby---I grow orchids, I love to pamper and protect them,obviously ,I am still a codie! I have at least a hundred plants, and they all are outside, hanging from my tree limbs.
Renewing or starting a new hobby is a sure fire way to get you on the right track.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
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My normal never came back (thank goodness) because I got into my own program of Recovery. I had to reinvent normal in order to fully detach from the alcoholic addict who I thought I was desperately in love with. My program did not just distract me temporarily, it gave me the tools, strength and courage to break free, to remove his brand of sickness from my life, and to focus all of my energies on me.
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Like L2L above, what was "normal" for me is so far from sanity that I never want that "normal" back again. ((Cringe, shudder.))
The normal I have now, has evolved as I invested less of myself in my RABF's life, and put it into my own interests and well being.
Funnily enough, as I have progressed, with a few slips down side streets on the way, it has impacted on to a man who now treats me with respect, courtesy and trusts enough to open up to.
His sobriety is a pleasant surprise, but I didn't go NC and hit the boundary line-up originally to force this, only to get myself out of the whackoland I was in........only 15 months ago. WOW....is that really all it is.
Take this time apart to put YOU in first place and pamper yourself as you need. Look into re-interest in your music or even go for something right out of the box.
The normal I have now, has evolved as I invested less of myself in my RABF's life, and put it into my own interests and well being.
Funnily enough, as I have progressed, with a few slips down side streets on the way, it has impacted on to a man who now treats me with respect, courtesy and trusts enough to open up to.
His sobriety is a pleasant surprise, but I didn't go NC and hit the boundary line-up originally to force this, only to get myself out of the whackoland I was in........only 15 months ago. WOW....is that really all it is.
Take this time apart to put YOU in first place and pamper yourself as you need. Look into re-interest in your music or even go for something right out of the box.
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Its really the sadness of not going on, what he is doing or how he is. Is he even thinking about me? Will things be good when he reaches out to me? (which he will when they let him) Is he going to be different?
Plus how close we were before he went in, we were getting to a really nice place (he was sober but not sure what to do before he thought this was what he needed)
I never stopped living my life or having friends, etc but there is that hole and so I figured detaching is the only way to heal. I just didn't think it was going to be so hard. If he had went when we were in a horrible place, or I was fed up with him, that would have been different.
Plus how close we were before he went in, we were getting to a really nice place
(he was sober but not sure what to do before he thought this was what he needed)I never stopped living my life or having friends, etc but there is that hole and so I figured detaching is the only way to heal. I just didn't think it was going to be so hard. If he had went when we were in a horrible place, or I was fed up with him, that would have been different.
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yeah, I understand.
I also understand that I will never again live my life around addiction...active or recovering.
I have just had too danged much of it in my life, I am sick of it.
I don't want to deal with it at all.
I also understand that I will never again live my life around addiction...active or recovering.
I have just had too danged much of it in my life, I am sick of it.
I don't want to deal with it at all.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
People speak about detaching with love. I couldn't do this. Someone finally told me to detach any way that I can. Maybe the love will come later.
Detachment comes with a price. I have to give up on what should have been. I don't want to detach from my spouse. I want a loving, caring, healthy relationship. I can't have that with her.
I have to detach but I still grieve the loss of a dream.
Detachment comes with a price. I have to give up on what should have been. I don't want to detach from my spouse. I want a loving, caring, healthy relationship. I can't have that with her.
I have to detach but I still grieve the loss of a dream.
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Yeah because detachment is counterintuitive when you love people. At least for me it is.
But the mailman just came. He told me a week and a half ago (the bf, not the mailman.. lol) he'd write. Nothing
That tells me lots. I do need to detach because I am suddenly feeling very unimportant in his life and now the tears start.
But the mailman just came. He told me a week and a half ago (the bf, not the mailman.. lol) he'd write. Nothing
That tells me lots. I do need to detach because I am suddenly feeling very unimportant in his life and now the tears start.
To thine own self be true.
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I want a loving, caring, healthy relationship.
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