Lotus2009

I'm not sure what to do. I knew his parents and brother will be out of town for the holidays. And when I talked to SRAH the other day I told him that I was going to a friend's house whose having people over that don't have families here in the US. I didn't invite RAH to come along and so he asked if I could by any chance drive him to his parents house on Thanksgiving, so that he could relax there by himself (they have a really nice, serene house out in the country with dogs and horses and he loves to spend time there)... he also said I wouldn't have to stay since he knows I have plans. I told him I probably wouldn't be able to drive him, because I have a ton of writing and studying to do over Thanksgiving break and was planning to work before going to Thanksgiving dinner (picking him up and driving him to his parents house would take about an hour). BUT I feel horrible that he will spend Thanksgiving all alone in his little apt. I know those are his consequences and he could be proactive and find himself something to do, but I still feel really bad!! Btw, holidays (besides my birthday/ our anniversary last year) were usually the good times between us, because those were the times he DIDN'T drink (I know that sounds crazy, because it's usually the other way around. But that's how it was - guess it had to do with him trying to hide the extend of his problem when it came to his parents and other family members!).

So, now I'm contemplating maybe stopping by his apt. for an hour or two before I go to my Thanksgiving dinner, just so that he's not alone all day!

Any thoughts?

Live

If you couldn't spare the hour to drive him, how is it any different for a visit?

I must be missing something.

Learn2Live

My thoughts are quit attaching so much emotion and sentimentality to the last Thursday in November to the point where you pity someone who is not suffering. People are alone EVERY day of the year. Around the world there are small CHILDREN who are alone, no parents, no food, and limited ability to care for themselves and you are feeling sorry for and want to baby a grown man who is completely capable of, and has plentiful resources around him for, cooking his OWN turkey dinner if he wants it. He is a full-grown adult and how he spends his day is HIS responsibility. If you want to be charitable, donate the gas money it would take to drive him out there and back to a food bank, a shelter, or to an orphanage.

goldengirl3

I'm confused. Has he lost his license? Why can't he drive himself?

dollydo

I was thinking that if he doesn't want to be by himself, he can serve Thanksgiving dinner at a homeless shelter or another place that provides food to the needy.

When you get right down to it, Thanksgiving is just another day.

You are not his activity director, I'd let it be.

Lola1024

Spending a holiday alone is not the end of the world. I will be alone this holiday due to my mothers death (used tons of travel time) and my ending my relationship with xabf. So I intend to make the best of it and be grateful for what I have. Definately not a big deal if you don't make it so. He is a grown up and can take care of himself.

Lotus2009

Goldengirl - he had his second (?) DUI over 5 years ago and still owes some money and never got his license back (which I think was partly a smart move, because I wouldn't have wanted him driving drunk and we all know that A's tend to believe they are still ok to drive when they really aren't).

Live - lol, good point! I guess I don't want to spend an hour driving around AND more important don't want to be his cab driver - so I guess that's the real reason I declined to drive him.

Anvilhead - "why now are you starting to soften so much?" argh... yes, I guess that's the question I should continue to ask myself. I tend to get hurt or angry, but once the negative feelings subside, I'm right back by that someone's side. Hmmm... ??! You are right, the other night's phone conversation didn't go so well!!!

L2L and Dollydo - "He is a full-grown adult and how he spends his day is HIS responsibility." AND "You are not his activity director". Yes AND Yes. I guess if it was any other friend of mine I wouldn't feel right not inviting them out, if they were all alone on a holiday. Just like I would hope people would think of me, if I was alone on a holiday. But I get your point - he could plan his own thing if he wanted to. I guess he just tends to be very passive and wouldn't initiate anything even if he'd feel lonely (slipping into victim role?) and I never could handle that, cause I feel like I need to "rescue" him from himself! Argh, that just didn't sound good - sounds way too much like an old pattern that I'm trying to break!!! Hmm....!

goldengirl3

I feel sorry for them too. But sometimes being alone on a holiday like that is a good thing. People can never learn and change if we always rescue them.

Learn2Live

Lotus honey MOST of the world does not celebrate Thanksgiving. Most of the world does not even KNOW it's Thanksgiving. It's only in OUR MINDS that there is anything we have to feel sorry for. All you have to do is change your mind.

Live

You are definitely right, L2L...but in this culture and their past history it has been a very special time..so I can see the sentiment.

But I think it would be a mistake to rob him of what could be a very valuable lesson.
Besides (LOL) he probably does have tv and he can still watch the parades and football etc. and lots of people go out to eat..he can get a cab or go with an AA friend...probably AA has an activity.

And if I were him and Lotus visited I would notice the discrepancy between "I don't have time to drive you an hour" but I can visit for an hour or two.

Lotus2009

LOL, funny thing is that I don't particularly care for thanksgiving, given that I'm not originally from here (have only been in this country 8 yrs.), but I guess I'm assuming that he wouldn't want to be alone on a holiday like that (him being American and all )

Lotus2009

LOL... yes TV he has... and is spending WAY too much time in front of it (especially if football is on!!!)

Hmm... I think you're right, Live and Goldengirl - valuable lesson and people can never learn and change if we always rescue them!!!

Babyblue

I don't know your history but if you are hesitant but still want to acknowledge him then drop something off in the daytime, like a pie or something. Don't stay, and do it early.

I think you should do what you want to do

seekingcalm

I spent the past two Thanksgivings with my exabf, and I too, am wondering if he will be alone tomorrow.

I have to keep reminding myself that he is the only one responsible for what he does tomorrow, and every other day. I have picked myself up, and made a life alone for the first time in my life, and it's very hard sometimes, but I have to believe that I am a better person for finally learning to live with discomfort and pain and not always looking for someone or something to make it all better.

I have to believe that he is entitled to learn the same things.

Take care of you

Lotus2009

Yes! Thanks for reminding me that I'm not alone in this! I think it might also be a good test for himself to see if he can do this without relapsing. One of the reasons he drinks or used to drink was to not feel negative feelings (such as loneliness). Damn it, now I feel like stopping by at night, after my dinner just to check up on him and see if he made it through the day without picking up a bottle. AHHH ... where's the codie police . Ok, I gotta stop thinking about him - I will go out tomorrow and have a wonderful time and focus only on myself (positive self-talk...)!!!!!

Thumper

I wonder if he is worried about what you are doing for Thanksgiving?

I wonder if he thinks of you at all or if his thinking is all used up on himself? He probably thinks of you when he catalogs all the injustices he has been dealt and how unfair life is because you have one.

He can pretty much do anything at all that he wants right? You have not sentenced him to a life of lonely holiday's. You have simply removed one option from the dozens of holiday options out there. You. Of course the other options would require that he leave the pity party and join the real world.

I have lost the sympathy button for my xah. All his self-pity and self-absorption finally just smashed it to pieces. It is so tedious and tiresome.

On the positive side - maybe he has made a plan or maybe he really is going to enjoy his day alone filling up his soul with good and healing things. That would be great. If that is the case respect him enough to not muck it up by playing mind tricks by going over and blurring the lines of your relationship.

Phoenixthebird

Lotus you wrote "I told him I probably wouldn't be able to drive him, because I have a ton of writing and studying to do over Thanksgiving break and was planning to work before going to Thanksgiving dinner (picking him up and driving him to his parents house would take about an hour).

"No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path." -Buddha-

If you don't complete your course work yourself, who will?

Focus on yourself!

************** ****************** ****************** **************

Lotus2009

LOL!!! Hm... I suppose it's all that stupid enmeshment stuff coming back - me feeling the feelings that I ASSUME he will be feeling and then having the need to swoop in and rescue him and make him all "better" - CRAZINESS!!! Thanks for laying it all out and making me realize that I've made a turn down the wrong path again!!!

Lotus2009

Yes, he's probably looking forward to being able to watch football all day without being disturbed by anyone, while I'm here over-analyzing, making assumptions, and trying to predict all future events (talk about anxiety!!!)

Lotus2009

Ufff... you are soo right... I'm starting to freak out about all my coursework as I type. So, best I go back to finding solutions to my own issues, rather than finding solutions to the problems other people might or might not have!

Btw, I love the mediation smileys