vaya

My AS came by tonight. His girlfriend kicked him out of her and her family's house today. He's super anxious and agitated. Her father is pressuring him about giving them more money for staying there now that he just got a job. He's stressed if he gives them more money,(he's been giving them a lot of food stamps) and then they kick him out he'll be screwed.

Anyway....bottom line...he blew a lot of money he had just gotten mostly on heroin and has been high there, which is the real problem there.

Tried to help him look at the pattern and understand what's got everyone there upset...admits that using is his fault and he takes responsibility.

More to the point....I told him if he stops using drugs and makes a real proactive move to do so, meetings, outpatient, inpatient, whatever it takes, and puts using behind him he can come back home. I told him I didn't want any more of the drama, checking on him, monitoring him. watching him nodding off and being high and then being agitated and going through withdrawals and everything associated with his using.

He wants to know what I want him to do in order to stop using. But for me it isn't that simple now. I want him to want to stop and to come up with a plan and stick to it and get the support and help he needs. I don't want to be in a position of having to act like his case manager, drug test him, monitor if he goes to meetings, etc. He thinks I just want him to go to rehab to come back. I'm not sure that's the answer either, especially if he's not committed to it himself. I'm also not sure rehab and dropping out of the 'real world' is necessarily the answer. He's working now, but hates the job. He's going on an interview tomorrow for another job.

I honestly don't feel he's ready yet to stop. He knows it's not working for him, but doesn't want to face the reality of what dope is doing to his life and see the same patterns. He says its realy hard, no matter how hard he tries, because there's always a little voice in the back of his head, urging him to use. I told him that's why people seek help and reach out when they feel that urge,because it is hard to do it alone.

Intellectually he knows what he needs to do, but emotionally he's scared to live without drugs....doesn't really know how to cope with stress, anxiety, disappointment, and more. He wants people to feel sorry for him because of how hardit is for him to be addicted.

I told him to get some clean time behind him and work it out for now at his girlfriends and think about what he needs to do if he really wants to stop using. Then we'll see later about whether or not his coming back home will work.

Part of me wants to hold rehab over his head as a condition for his returning. I don't know rehab is all they say it is, because it doesn't really teach you how to function in the real world. I also suggested outpatient program, meetings, or whatever he feels would work, as well as rehab. The bottom line is he has to want to be done with using.

If I create a list of boundaries and conditions as has been advised, for his coming home, I don't want to be in the position of having to monitor whether or not he's invading tnose boundaries and then determining what to do. Maybe I could consider a list of boundaries and conditions he would be held to and if after so many of those are not observed he would then need to leave again or seek help.

He doesn't have anywhere else to go.Winter is here and it's cold outside.

Deep down, I'm just praying he'll come around on his own when he sees he can't just walk right back in and its not working out with his girlfriend.

If we can't control it, as they say, aren't we trying to do that by forcing someone to hit their bottom so they'll want to get clean and sober?

Isn't it really a cop out to turn our children out into the cold and then just say we're praying to HP to take care of them?

I've been homeless before, not due to drugs or alcohol either and it's really hard to break out of. I think homelessness just furthers drug and alcohol abuse because it's so depressing and hard to escape. I know enabling and providing a warm bed and place they can come back to when high isn't supposed to work either, but how does adding to your child's suffering work any better? Is that really what God would want us to do for our children? (At least while they're still in their late teens and early twenties)


All of my situation is still unique, since I just reunited with my children after a five year separation, due to my homelessness and other circumstances, including domestic violence. While I'm trying to establish whats ok and whats not ok, we're still getting past old hurts and trying to heal as a family again too.

I don't want to let the chaos of my son's addiction interfere with my younger son's and my life and I definitely won't tolerate AS using and being high. It's hard since younger son is no angel, smokes Pot, doesn't work right now, and has yet to become more responsible. I don't want to be a hypocrite and throw my AS out, when younger son smokes Pot. I'd prefer neither of them did anything, but that's what happened while I was away and they were with their drug using father who abducted them. See....a lot of emotional stuff still mixed in with all of this.

focusontoday

I feel for you and it's difficult to know what to do.
Try to stop the enabling or guilt, it will only hurt you.

take care

laurie6781

When he is finally 'ready' and has hit his bottom, he can find a GREAT place to stay and get into a recovery program that he can stay at as long as he needs to ...................................... THE SALVATION ARMY has many facilities all over the country and Canada that have their FREE recovery program.

And if HE WORKS IT, he will find recovery.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

crazybabie

If we can't control it, as they say, aren't we trying to do that by forcing someone to hit their bottom so they'll want to get clean and sober?

My thoughts on that are no we are NOT trying to force anything on them we are accepting we can not control their choices,


Isn't it really a cop out to turn our children out into the cold and then just say we're praying to HP to take care of them?

Again IMO NO, My son has been homeless before I hated it however I had too have some peace in my home. I did not catch your son's age however if he is over the age where your responsible for him... what do you hope to achieve if you in any way enable him?

Chaos? Being his drug Police? Exhaustion?, Constant frustration? Hoping to relieve some guilt your feeling? Think on these and look deep within.

crazybabie

He wants to know what I want him to do in order to stop using.

See that dosen't work he has to quit for him not for you.

keepinon

Alanon says not to create a crisis, nor prevent one if that is in the natural course of events. If your son is an addict, homelessness would be in the nautural course of events. It is not trying to control the situation, stepping in and giving him yet another place to continue his drug use is preventing the crisis from happening. The RA's on this site have stated over and over that it took them EVERY miserable experience to get them where they are today.
If he is living in your home and you establish boundaries, YOU will be in charge of enforcing them..much like a case manager.
I hear the pain in our post and it is so hard..I have BEEN there, but I do not think anyone is going to say that having him come back and do some outpatient while living at home, and not really being sure of what he wants is a good idea.Outpatient treatment is for HIGHLY motivated people, and often used as a supplement after inpatient.
I know its not what you want to hear..when you really surrender and let him feel the natural consequences of his addiction, that is when change can come, for you and him.

Hurtbad2505

I know you are hoping that your son will want to come home bad enough that he will put down the heroin, go to meetings, perhaps get outpatient treatment and get well.

I'm not saying that's not possible, I'm sure there are heroin addicts out there who have done it that way...in my experience and from watching my AS's addict friends, it's just not that easy. Heroin withdrawal is a nasty nasty thing, and from what I've seen, if an addict has the means to get dope when they are withdrawing...they are gonna get them some dope. It gets to a point with a heroin addict that they don't even care to use to get high...they HAVE to use to feel normal.

Whether you think rehab is not all it's cut out to be or not, it's a structured place for them to go through their withdrawals. A lot of rehabs give them subs or methadone for a week or so to help them get through the worse of it, then hopefully once they are really clean off the drug they see that it is possible, that they won't be sick forever, that there is a REAL life out there for them.. Rehab isn't a miracle, but it's a start and there are professionals there to help.

Just throwing that out there for you to consider...

Kindeyes

vaya
As different as all of our situations are.....there is much that is the same. None of us can really tell you what to do because you are the one who has to live with the consequences of your decisions. And as a mother, I understand your quandry.

My son's addiction escalated over the last several months and we allowed those natural consequences to occur. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. And I am not telling anyone that they should do what I did.....it is just my story. I let go and let God. I gently handed my beloved son over to his Higher Power and asked for guidance from my own. I was at a point of desparation and knew that everything I had done had failed......it was time for me to surrender.

I went through several suicide threats from him when I didn't know where he was and he was just calling or texting me. I said goodbye and I love you. He didn't do it.

I went through the pain of knowing that he was living on the streets, couch surfing, and staying in drug dens.

I knew his use of meth was getting worse and worse and he began shooting up heroin (he told me that).

I let him come into my house to detox twice.....and let him leave twice knowing that he was headed back out to the streets.

He went to detox for 4-5 days but didn't pursue recovery.....he went back to the streets.

He finally called and said he had had enough and was ready for rehab. I wouldn't make the call for him and wouldn't make the arrangements. He did it.

Once he was in recovery, we (as a family) made it very clear that he had our support in his recovery, where he had not had our support during the most awful part of his disease.

He is in very early recovery and has only been out of the rehab for a few days. His attitude is good. He looks sooooo much better (the meth had taken a toll on his once hollywood handsome face). He's put on weight (and weighs more than he has in his life). He is attending two meetings a day right now (except the weather got very bad yesterday and we had no power in our area and roads were really bad). He has a temporary job.

He is currently (and temporarily) living with my DH and I. We do not have a laundry list of rules. We have two. Be respectful of us and our property and absolutely no drugs (of any kind) or alcohol. Our home is completely drug and alcohol free.

And we are all taking it one day at a time.

It is so very difficult having an adult child addicted to drugs. I understand your pain, anxiety, indecision, questions, fears. Vaya.....if you are not going to meetings (Naranon or Alanon), it might be something to think about......it helps me.

gentle hugs

laurie6781

No it is not! I will give a brief synopsis of what my folks did for me:

In January of 1979, when I was 33 1/2 years old, my Parents and Family said NO MORE! It was MY PROBLEM and I had to fix it when and if I ever became ready. If I called on the phone they would hang up, if I came to the door it would be shut in my face and if I attempted to steal from them they would call the cops.

My attitude was F you, and I moved all the way across the country to California.

It took another 2 1/2 years for me to find recovery, the last 1 and 1/2 living on the streets of Hollywood.

I started to realize, fairly early into my recovery that this was THE BEST THING MY PARENTS AND FAMILY HAD EVER DONE FOR ME!!!!

In talking with many others in recovery over this last 29 1/2 years, that experienced similar to me, they have all felt the same way. This was the only way that reality would ever have gotten through to them.

My mother later told me when I asked why they hadn't done it sooner, was that it was only when they reached the point of realizing that my problem was sending them straight to the 'funny farm to padded cells' were they able to unite and do it. She also said that in hindsight, knowing what she did then that she too wished they had done it SOONER.

Every time they bailed me out of a jam, allowed me to come live at home it only increased the belief in my mind that I DIDN'T HAVE TO STOP, mommy and daddy would always be there and I could continue my 'ways.' I could continue to USE them as a 'safety net.'

So again, my answer to your question is a RESOUNDING NO!

You (I, me, us, etc) didn't CAUSE this.

You can't CONTROL this.

You can't CURE this.

It is in the hands of the A as to what they do with their life.

J M H O from many years of experience in addiction and recovery on both sides of the fence.

Love and hugs,

Sunshine2

What I have found with my son, is that he thinks his drug use is under control whilst he has a place to stay and food to eat. I think an addict needs a LOT of motivation to give up, because it is so hard not to listen to that little voice in their heads. What motvation do they have whilst their basic needs are being taken care of? So no, I do not think it is simply a cop out for parents.

Chino

A momma bird will kick their babies out of the nest when it's time for them to fly and they don't want to. She doesn't do it as punishment, she does it to free them.

vaya

I know many of you are trying to help, but I don't think you read the whole thread and the circumstances regarding our relationship or about my other son. I don't mean to sound ungrateful for your sharing, but it seems that many of you are he%& bent on thinking I'm enabling and codependent and that I've got a problem. I'm not and work hard at making sure I don't enable. I only let my 23 year old AS stay with me for 3 months, after a 5 year absence, and then decided he had to go, largely because that's what people here said and also because I realized I could do nothing more for him if he didn't want to follow through on not using.

I'm not saying I plan to let him stay with me, as I mentioned, because I'm not ready for the chaos, pain, drama, etc and as his mother, NOT NECESSARILY A CODEPENDENT, I don't want to give him the message that he can stay here and use drugs, because it would seem as if I condone that behavior and I don't.

I disagree with those of you who feel I should break off all contact with my son, including not answering the phone when he calls. When he speaks to me I offer the advice of a mother and try to help him understand the consequences of his actions and also learn what's ok and not ok. He's already spent the last 5 years or so in and out of jail and rehab, inbetween being homeless, and hasn't really had a chance to grow as an individual. To a large degree jail and rehab stunted his growth by sequestering him from the real world and dealing with the day to day struggle of working, learning how to pay bills and budget money, or else face the natural consequences if one spends all their money on drugs. In some ways, to me, rehab is just another warm bed to stay in and be sheltered from the real world and the real responsibilities in life. Natural consequences occur when one isn't in a sheltered setting.

Unfortunately, my son hasn't had the benefit of a decent after care program, nor did he choose to pursue the supports that would help prevent relapse. Everyone talks about how relapse is more likely to occur after one leaves rehab, but few really have any strong supportive after care programs to prevent it.

I do not enable my son, nor do I turn a deaf ear. I let him know that I think he's throwing his life away just for a little bit of temporary (what many call) bliss and to come to terms with whether or not it's really worth throwing everything away for and risking his freedom. I know what i say may or may not sink in and he may not choose to deal with it, but I'm not going to pretend about what he's doing and I will, as his mother, still, tell him what I observe and about making better choices in life. He's only 23.

Yes I know as an addict he is manipulative, and some of his actions have another purpose in mind. However, my actions and words have a real message too. The fact that I asked him to leave after only 3 months really blows his mind, along with the fact that I haven't opened my arms to him to come home.

I don't think the answers are as easy as many of you make it out to be. Some of our children may get it if the door is shut in their face enough times and they have to cope. Others don't and may wind up worse than before. I'm still learning about this whole situation. I know I can 't control what he does, but I can let him know that I don't think what he is doing is helping him in any way and that he needs to learn to cope with life,on life's terms and not run to drugs when the going gets tough. Unfortunately, he hasn't learned that yet, not even after years in numerous rehab programs.

As for the Salvation Army....maybe where you people are it's different. Here in Southern California its about intake procedures, qualifying, and whether or not a bed exists. That can only happen during very specific times of day or else one is sh$# out of luck. My son had to wait about a month just for a bed in detox. there were no rehab spots available there after detox so he had to go elsewhere. No, you can't just show up at the Salvation Army and get a bed. You have to go through intake, orientation, etc. Even the missions downtown require that you be there at certain times, like 11AM to get on a list for a bed and then you have to wait for that spot, or else risk missing out. If you have a job, you better hope you have a buddy to hold your spot. And, no, there's no shower in the morning before work, so you better be good at bird baths.

I'm not ragging on the people here, but I am hoping to give you a taste of reality. Everyone thinks there's tons of places for people who are homeless. Think again. Spaces are very limited and there are huge wait lists and a whole process to go through. It's hard to hold down a job and meet the requirements for a bed, be there in time, let alone hold a job while one is still actively using. Many times people have to choose between getting a meal or going to a meeting, and keeping your spot for your bed. When you're starving, guess what one will choose. I just think that everyone who puts their kid, between 17-25 yrs) out on the street should know what it is really like out there. At best one just spends the day trying to get a meal, shower, reserve a bed, get to work if they're lucky enough to have a job, get transportation, comply with all the rules and more and keep their job. For many, they just say, F*^% it, go to work, come back, and get high or drunk so they won't feel the freezing cold and still get up for work the next day, until that too comes crumbling down. For some, homelessness just perpetuates the using even more and they never get it. For them, the consequences can often be more dire.

When I told my son to leave I didn't know where he'd go. I had hoped that he'd choose rehab at least for a place to stay, but he got his girlfriend to put him up and now he's getting that door closed on him too. I will try not to let him stay the night, and I won't give him money, other than bus fare now. I don't want to be his monitor or case manager, as I said in my thread.
Thank you to those of you who offered your ESH and didn't try to push me into something.

litehorse

vaya - i really feel your pain - i, too, am a mother of an AS - 27 - going on 28 - he is in jail right now on his second felony conviction - he will be spending some time in the state correctional system - i came to the point that jail was sweet relief from watching him destroy his life - i gave him every possible opportunity to make different choices - he never could follow through - and i kept on offering opportunities not accepting the reality that he couldn't do this on his own - what happened with us is our story - each one unfolds differently but from all i have experienced, read, heard, especially here on sr the only thing that makes a difference is the addict chosing to work a program of recovery - no one else can make that decision for them - if i had done things differently would it have been better, worse, even different - i don't know - so i have to let go of the past, focus on the present, and pray that the future brings better choices for him and me - i do know that each of us - addicts and those of us who love those addicts - have to choose what we do next - as it will be us who lives with the consequences of those choices - my prayers are with you as you decide what to do in your situation -

Sunshine2

In my opinion stunted growth comes from one thing: escaping into drugs rather than dealing with life. My son lived in my house until he was 24. He was never in jail and not interested in rehab. Although a bright boy, he is emotionally like a 13-year old. When he was supposed to learn how to cope with life in his teenage years, he chose to escape into the "oblivion" of drugs. Rehab is such a short period at a time, so I don't quite see how that can possibly stunt their growth, although I agree that they can't experience how to deal with real life sober whilst there.

I thought for a long time if I could just find the right words, I could make my son see what he is doing to himself. I can't say for sure, but I doubt he heard a word.

Sadly, every single person on this board has had more doses of reality than human being should have to endure. It takes a long time to get to a point of clarity.

When I told my son to go, he also moved in with his girlfriend and as far as I know he still lives with her. Unfortunately she has taken on the role of enabler, but that is between him and her. I have been trying to prepare myself mentally for the day that he may contact me to move back. I know I could never allow that.

Ultimately, no one can tell you what to do. It took me a long time to get to the point where I accepted that my son has to make his own decisions and live fully with the consequences. On the last day I saw him, I was sobbing on my knees in front of him, begging him to go to rehab. I told him I was prepared to sell my house to pay for it. He knows I love him and I am there if he ever needs real help, not just a cushion for carrying on his current lifestyle.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

crazybabie

Vaya,

My son has a severe mental illness along with his addiction. he is 25, he has been in jail for the last 6 months and just got released from our local jail and is now in another county that had a hold on him. He has court on December 9th.

I hate the fact that he will spend most of his time when he is released on the streets but, that is what will happen. I do feel you as a mother.

My AH and I dropped him off at the local mission one year on mothers day, talk about a heart breaker.

I agree with the others only you can decide what to do in your situation.
No matter what you decide I will be praying for your family.

Kindeyes

Vayaa
Take what you need and leave the rest. No one here can tell you what to do. You don't have to defend your position, thoughts or actions. You are going to do what you are going to do and no matter what anyone says, you get to live with your decisions.....they don't. They have absolutely no control over you.

Even when something is written here that bugs me, I try to remember that every single person here on SR is dealing (or has dealt) with their own personal he77 with an addicted loved one. I feel great compassion for each and every one of them.

The "I told you so's" or "what were you thinking" or "you need to do this or that" that some people (including some here on SR) do in our lives is a symptom of codependence in and of itself. Sometimes those exact words aren't used but are implied. Certainly no one here wants anyone else to experience the pain, anxiety and confusion that they have lived through. But, just like the addict, we all have to come to our own conclusions in our own time and nothing that anyone says will make that happen even one minute sooner.

Many of us are scared to death of the "worst case scenario"......the death of our loved one from addiction. Many here on SR have lived that worst case scenario. Is there any worse thought than knowing that our adult child's addiction could kill them? Ann has said many times.....turn fear into faith. I hang on to that thought with all I'm worth because otherwise, the fear will consume me.

I will keep you and both of your sons in my prayers. I will pray that whatever decisions you make in your life and your addicted son makes in his will bring him closer to sobriety and you closer to serenity.

gentle hugs

Freedom1990

Vaya, I'm sorry for all that you are going through. I can't claim to know what it's like to be separated from my kids for years, or being homeless.

I don't know what kind of rehabs your son has been through. I do know from my own personal experience that rehab was not a bed and breakfast for me.

It was a way to get me away from the old lifestyle, start healing my body, and get the tools I was going to need in order to stay clean/sober out in the world.

We were on a strict schedule, up early, clean our rooms, classes and counseling all day long. We were transported to outside AA and NA meetings in the evenings. There was no tv, no laying around.

As for aftercare, it was up to us to continue our recovery once we were out. The only aftercare offered was a group session once a month for two hours for everyone to touch base on how they were doing.

I embraced recovery, I picked up the tools I got in rehab, and I got busy living life on life's terms once I walked out those doors.

Rehab is only successful if the addict is willing to do the work. If the addict's not ready to commit to recovery, it will do little good.

I had a lot of growing up to do, both from my addictions, and my parents' enabling which kept me from feeling the consequences of my actions for years.

I left home at 18, and never moved back home again.

I finally bit the bullet and took out student loans this past year to support myself because my dad has been paying bills for far too long. I'm not saying he didn't want to help.

What I am saying is that it eroded my self-esteem bit by bit over the years not supporting myself, and I can't even imagine the low self-esteem that would have taken over me eventually by living back with my parents.

I don't know of any adult who can continue to feel good about themselves in the long run while living with parents, regardless of how strong their recovery is. It was eating me alive inside to have my parents paying my bills, and that was at 20 years clean/sober.

Yes, I'll have a sizable chunk to pay back on student loans, but that's my responsibility. I am fully self-supporting now, and it feels good.

vaya

Thank you all. I found your words so caring and it felt good to know you really do understand my situation. Today my son showed up after his job interview complaining about his decayed molarand was in excrutiating pain I found a place to take him as an emergency appt. for $100, which, just before Thanksgiving, was a Godsend. He postponed the oral surgery until Monday, since he has to work Friday. In the meanwhile, will take antibiotics and Motrin, which I also filled for him.

He was in great pain, but also was acting emotionally out of control in public. It pained me to see how unaware he was of his behavior and how raw his nerves are. He hates it when I bring up his using, especially in the context of when he complains about money, since so much of it went to drugs. Seeing him today showed me how much this drug has destroyed him. He's negative, criticizes everyone else, especiallyhis dad and me for putting him out, complains about no money. etc. In the end I saw that he seemed to just be trying to get my sympathy so i would give him money. How quickly he forgot about the $120 I paid today for his tooth and medicine! He didn't want me to give the dental clinic the money because he said that was money he could use for himself!! he was really off the wall, I think because he's between fixes, not sick, but still desperate.

Maybe I shouldn't bring up the drugs so much, but he needs to know he can't come back here as long as he's still using. He wants to know exactly what he has to do, how long he has to wait, etc. Unfortunately, the one thing that may have made a difference he didn't do, and I didn't spell it out for him, which is, his coming to the point that he could say how sick and tired he is of the lifestyle and desperation and wants his life back, or at least something like that. Like some have said today and befor, I don't think he even hears half of what I say. It's all about feeling sorry for himself and emotionally draining drama, with, I believe the underlying motive to get money for me.


He asked for a loan and I told him no, I won't give him more than $10 and that that would have to end too since he needs to learn to budget the money he does get, regardless of how small. I offered to get him a TAP card for the, which I could top up electronically, so he could get to work, rather than give him cash. However, that too, I told him would not last forever since he is ultimately responsible for managing his money so he can get to and from work and for other things.

In the end I gave him $10 for transportation so he could get back to his girlfriend's house and to work on Friday. Right after he said maybe he wouldn't go back to her place tonight and would come over for Thanksgiving at my house. I knew then that he'd probably buy a dime bag or more, since I stupidly gave him $10 yesterday for the week. I told him that if he showed up tomorrow loaded that I wouldnt let him in.

Yes,, I will do what I feel comfortable doing. Thank you for understanding and not making feel pressed to do something I'm not comfortable with or ready for.

Freedom1990

I can relate to this so much, Vaya.

Due to a bad decision on my part, and then guilt, my 32-year-old AD was included in the family get-together yesterday.

I had an extra 140 miles to drive yesterday because she has no vehicle, so I went to pick her up.

I heard nothing but negativity coming from her mouth the entire time. Once we left my house after I had fed my pets, she started in on how she never hears from her little sister (my 22-year-old, Amber). Then she brings up when Amber ran away at 15, how none of that was her fault, she felt she was holding a grudge against her, on and on and on.

My AD was in the car with the 24-year-old man who picked Amber up in the middle of the night. Amber ran away shortly after I had kicked AD out after that month of taking her in and her crossing every boundary.

She will deny any involvement in that till the day she dies.

I bit my tongue because I wanted to enjoy the day, did not want to discuss that incredibly painful period in my life (and Amber's too), and told her to drop it.

She was loud the entire time, which is so embarrassing in public.

She was coughing/hacking the entire time due to some upper respiratory infection she had to see the doctor for 48 hours prior to our get-together.

She pitched a fit because I told her there would be no smoking in my car, period.

Last night when I finally got her back home, I walked out, took a deep breath, and praised God that the day was over as far as being around her.

She was already smoking like a chimney before I left, and this before she had to do another breathing treatment.

I'll always love her, but that does not mean I will take a front row seat to her insanity.

Contact with her is minimal. Yesterday was an exception. I won't make that mistake again on Christmas, guaranteed.

Sending you hugs on the Kansas breezes, Vaya!

Burroughs

It sounds like you already know what you have to do... if for nothing else, then for the benefit of your younger son not to be around that type of drama/sickness. I'd tell my older son that I love him with all my heart, pray for him daily and tell him that when this internal war is atleast a year behind him that I'd be there for him, that he could live with me, etc. Even then though, he would be responsible for paying rent, being productive, etc. A detox or a 3 month rehab is not enough time to insure recovery at all. All we do have is today but clean time does help. I'd get a counselor and read lots of books on codepency. The movie Basketball Dairies deals with this situation very well. If you haven't seen the movie, it might be a good idea. It would be heartwrenching for you though... but it shows the positive aspects of making strong boundaries with our addict/alcoholic family members.