cessy68

It's been two years yesterday that I joined SR. So many things have changed, and so many things are the same.

I'm going through a rough spell lately, somtimes I think it's "November" that brings about a change in my outlook-- things don't roll off my back quite as easy as the trees loose their leaves, it gets cold, and night-time falls at 4:00pm. Of course there's always the onset of "holidays" that start to 'get' me a-thinkin'.

A part of me knows I'm much better, a part of me wonders if I just compromised my standards.

Recently in particular, I've noticed some changes in 'him'. I've tried to avoid it- and I'm trying to stay focused on me. Underneath what I'm doing there is an anger boiling, and a sadness..........

I feel at times 'ignoring' what I think is transpiring w/ him, is simply allowing him to do what he wants/needs.

That's what I'm supposed to do right? Allow, but not enable?

And then there is the whole seething feeling through my body, that it's just not 'right' to have to be in a relationship where things are 'ignored' and pushed under the carpet

I'm terrified of walking away-- as he has made so many changes. However, I feel that knowing the truth deep down inside, will only perpetuate negativity.

I'm a little lost.
Thank you all for the past two years, and for letting me vent.
Love,
Cess

crazybabie

Cess, I have no words of wisdom for you however I am sending you a hug...

Abundance

Aw Cess... I'm coming up on my 3rd year anniversary here at SR. I think you have so many more tools in your tool box now from when you did 2 years ago.

What happened to me - is I knew I was going to start falling out of love with him and more in love with myself. Filling my own holes... then I would think - "what does he add to my life?" and if even what he did add or compliment in my life - was completely squashed by what I knew was going to happen - it was going to really bad again. I used to justify - well my ways of codependency are only going to hurt him - so I must learn the tools - and I will become strong even if he is not choosing recovery - I don't have to wait for him. Well then I got even stronger and thought ... man - I don't have that guilt of "grass is always greener on the other side" ... cause I'd think ... I'm just in muddy, cow's manuer ... any side is going to be better than being in my current pasture. That gave me peace. I had a choice and I was just done. Done with him, Done with his drama, Done with second-guessing myself in fear of the chaos and crazy making, but most of all - Done with not having congruency in the home.

And his cheating on me was what snapped the tie ... probably cause that was the last thing I was hopeful for - holding on to. That we at least had "that". And so - our relationship had nothing to offer me other than just pure 'manure'. Doesn't that sound awful? But its' true.

I tried... and lawdy did I try. But then there was nothing left in it for me to keep fighting for us. And that was my bottom.

I'm so glad I got strong in the last 6 months... my life has totally taken a change in the last year - and I'm so grateful for having learned (and still learning) so many tools.

bbiab

cessy68

Thanks Abs, nice to hear from you and to see you are doing well. Maybe it's just one of those days for me, and/or maybe something bigger is lurking. idk.
But thank you for the advice and I'm SO happy 4u!
Love,
Cess

Abundance

It's on your mind... in your heart and soul and you want to share... it helps to get it out. Put it in writing. I figure so much out when i write.

Yeah - I'm doing well in the aspect of not having his addiction in my life - but codependency manifests in many forms. So, it's a constant to work. It doesn't just go away once our addict leaves our lives. Just glad to have some amazing tools now.

I think you are doing your own work on yourself and you are a kind loving person who can't help, but think of what he may lose, has lost, or is losing. And you know that this has nothing to do with you.
So, in the meantime you are taking care of you.

Keep on taking care of you means you are taking care of others. At first, I had a hard time taking care of myself - until I came here - and learned that being the first major tool in this. It's actually OKAY to take care of ourselves - that is really the trick to making people feel safe with you - cause you know how to look after yourself - you gotta know what you are doing

IDK - I'm babbling... had some break thrus as of late and this is a great avenue.

So what do you think could be the bigger that is lurking?

kj3880

When the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain of changing, you will find a way to change. You will find a way.

focusontoday

Hi, Im a long time member of NarAnon Family Groups Australia.

It took me 8 yrs to finally stop contact with my addict.

It took me 10 yrs to finally call him X & that now I am able to let go.

But no matter where he is I still want him to have clean/sober health & happiness.
(that bit is not up to me even though I want it for him).

take care

outonalimb

((((((cessy)))))))))))))

It took us years (our whole life, even) to learn how to be codependent. We can't change it all at once ya know? Focus on what you HAVE accomplished and what you HAVE learned over the last 2 years. Don't sell yourself short. Baby steps, Cessy. As long as we keep trying and keep moving forward (no matter how slow the journey might seem), we're going to be okay. Chin up, old girl! And hugs from someone who certainly understands what you're saying....

Big hugs...
Mary

justtired

Hi Cess - You know I can sympathize with how you're feeling. The one thing I will share is that:

In my experience, the changes that you see, are very possibly not true changes. They could simply be him hiding his issues so he can keep you. That's what my abf does. Everything I would point out to him or get upset about, he'd find a way to hide. He's not getting better, just getting better at hiding some things and acting out the role of a loving significant other when it suites him. It keeps us locked in place because sometimes things seem good, even when we know overall it's not so good. Hang in there and hope you have a nice Thanksgiving!

Callie

Aww Cess,

I have no words either. I lived like you are for many years. Many. It was easier to put my head down and plow through life than it was to stop and LOOK around. Doing this bought me years of more of the same. My xah 'maintained' his drug use and was highly functional just as your abf for about 5 years

He was using drugs long before I even had a clue. I was banging my head against a wall trying to change this, that or the other. Once I knew it was drugs I understood his actions better. My xah would make changes along the way, but they were never enough.

KJ said it so right... When the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain of changing, you will find a way to change.

cessy68

Thank you for asking Cyn.

I'm not sure. I feel 'wrong'... I guess. I feel that if I'm not 'wrong', that maybe walking away is just 'wrong'. Or that it will end up being a 'wrong' decision.

It's the only thing that comes to mind-- as I think long and hard about your question......

Any insight?

Callie

not making a decision is also a decision cessy.........you HAVE choices, lots of them, you CHOOSE not to follow up on any of them. YOU ARE LIVING YOUR CHOICE RIGHT NOW.



So very true cess. I chose to live in the 'not making a decision land' for a long, long time. It wasn't fun and lasted about 6-8 years, though I wasn't aware for most of that - that their were drugs involved. Do you have that much more time Cess? Are you willing to donate another 5 +- years to addiction?

Miss ya around here AH and Cess!

cessy68

Mary, thank you. I appreciate the hugs, and the encoragement. I've made progress by leaps and bounds-- a few more steps.... Missu!

cessy68

Hey Anvil-- so glad to see your smiling words again, and your wisdom.
I hope all is well with you, and yours this holiday season.

Yes, I am living my choices right now! You got it. And so much as changed.
As I said, he proved to be sober a while back, and yes -- I think that has changed yet again. He hasn't broken boundries, but I don't think it's going to 'work' for me much longer.

Playing the role of "I'm taking care of me", dosen't include pretending I don't see what he's doing again.

And I'm not going to attempt to have the arguments, sneaking, or 'talks' ever again.

Just don't feel like 'pretending', and also don't feel like the whole drama needs to traspire, yet again.... (the ok, you need to leave... stomp stomp, because I know your doing pills again.... stomp, stomp.)

Do you know what I mean?

cessy68

Miss u too Callie- have followed you along in cyber space, even when I seemed 'gone'. Glad you are well!

And to answer your Q:
Heck NO!
Now. How to go about making solid decisions, and knowing I'm not wrong-- without unneeded drama!
Suggestions?

cessy68

You know cyn, once upon a time, perhaps both of those would have fit.
I'm not convinced he's going to die-- and truly, if he did- I own none of that. That is why I have so much empathy to moms of addicts here-- because if he were my child, I might feel very different about that conversation. I do think if I had an addict child I would fear they would "die" as a result of me cutting them loose (so to speak). Lots of hugs to moms-- I don't know how you do it.

The second part-- eah. Yea again, there used to be a time that I feared that. Not so much anymore. I'm sure he'd be off with someone new eventually, and his addiciton would simply intrude on his next relationship.

I think what I fear-- is feeling 'wrong' (meaning I bi***** about so many things for so long- and he's fixed many of those issues. Whereas he helps around the house, pays me the rent owed, spends family time, helps me with my extremly busy schedule juggling work and school etc) and I feel like oh- ok, well he fixed all the things (pretty much) that I asked him to... that I stomped about. Now if he's doing pills again (98% sure), am I supposed to stomp him back out the door? Is it my right? Do I have the right to tell him what to do to his body-- if it's not in front of me, and not affectineg ME? It's that whole dignity thing you all talked to me about for a very long time. Where is the line?

Thanx for listening.

cessy68

Oh, and by the way, as a side-note:

You'd think that after 2 years I'd learn how to do multiple quotes, instead of taking up 1/2 a page trying to quote all of you.
LoL!

Ann

Happy Postiversary, Cessy.

Recovery doesn't promise us that every day will be wonderful. What it promises is that we will have the tools to handle whatever comes our way.

You will make your decision when you are ready and not a moment before. But when you make it, whether it is stay or go, it will be right for you.

And whatever you decide...you WILL be okay. Recovery promises that too...and so do I.

Hugs

cessy68

I felt so much love in that post. Wow. Thank you for that Ann.
It's weird, when I heard those words, I thought of a song from the soundtrack from the movie "hope floats".

It was a song called "what makes you stay". By Deana Carter. I think I'll go google it and listen. It wasn't really about addiction, but more about 'staying' when hope is gone, and why one dosen't leave... sad.

Anyhow, thank you for all the love and support you've provided me along my 2 year journey here on SR. I've made some amazing friends (from all over the US.)
I guess life truly is a journey.....

Thank you again.
Love and hugs back at you!
Cess

kelsh

Hi Cess,

A Happy Anniversary for two years at SR. As each year goes by the time in years just flew with me keeping myself busy.

I had been sober some years already when I found Sober Recovery. My Sobriety date is below.

I have just been dx with Bipolar Disorder & given a new med so am not too happy. I am going through a medium to severe manic episode but not as bad as the one two years ago. I also am still sober & am working with my doc with my on-going depression/anxiety. I had to be in a psyc ward for ten days.

My husband, second time we have married) are both retired & take care of each other but he stil does not understand how bad he hurts me when he yells at me...he is managing my meds right now & my daughter helps him.

I fully know I am lucky to have them but I feel like a "little kid"

I am able go to sleep some now so that is helping. It is so hard for me to deal with this since I was working 10 years as a counselor for the Elderly with Mental Health when I had to quit due to my arthritiss pain.

What caught my eye tonight was your Anniversary because last night I was looking through an old jewlery box and found my first four years of coins for another year of Sobriety. I was so HAPPY!

Keep on keeping on! It is all worth it! 7

kelsh