crisplover

I just woke up and I feel terrible. Last night I drank 2 bottles of wine, nothing new there I guess but I talked to my daughter about my step dad and what was starting to happen between them. I also phoned my ex husband about it. stupid girl.

Let me explain... When I was about 13 my step dad started getting too close, he never abused me but he kissed me and made me feel weird. Mum never believed me when i talked to her and I was made to feel like a trouble maker. I kinda buried it until my teenage daughter started telling me that her grandad was acting weird and creeping her out.

I got drunk my birthday (sat) when we went round there but I saw him touch her bum and act weird. Its worse when he's been drinking and normally he is quite supportive. if i start bringing all this up again, it will rip the family apart. really shouldnt have talked to my ex either, im such an idiot.

Dee74

I don't know CL.

You must feel that it was inappropriate when it happened to you - I'd certainly want to protect my kids from having it happening to them.

I wouldn't have done it drunk but I think I would have much done the same. Any adult that touched my kid on the bum would be for it.

I'm not sure what avenues are open to you in the UK, but if you think it's something to be concerned about, please don't back away from your convictions.

now as for that drinking...we're here for you anytime you want to knock that on the head

D

Isaiah

Yikes. I definitely don't think this is anything to take lightly. Family affection should never feel creepy no matter what is going on in his mind.

And yeah, this is the sort of thing definitely best done sober. Sober, calm (as can be) and outspoken. Those are all tools for you.

crisplover

i guess i feel ashamed that i have got so drunk in front of my kids again and also that i talked at length to my 'very sensible and together' ex about the step dad thing and cant remember anything he said.

Feel so screwed up about it all cos xmas is coming and that means me watching my step dad to make sure he doesnt over step the mark with her when he gets drunk.

I want to have a happy xmas but with this and my drinking, it doesnt look good.

Also worried about what i said to my ex last night, dont want him trying to take our son off me. That would finish me off.

Anna

Hi Crisplover,

I am really sorry for what happened to you and that your mother didn't listen to you. She should have. No question.

But, I will offer some unsolicted advice here. Keep your stepdad away from your daughter. Please! Do not allow him to do to her what he did to you. Be the mother you didn't have. Be the mother you want to be for your girl.

LaFemme

What Anna said....I agree with 100%.

As for the drinking...well I can see how this would be a trigger...any chance you can skip class with the family this year? I have found an important part of my recovery is tied to establishing healthy boundaries with my family and protecting myself from them emotionally.

Dee74

That's a lot of what ifs CL....

I agree with Anna - wholeheartedly - but I promise you you'll think way more clearly about everything without the booze.

D

least

^^^^^^^ What they said. Protect yourself and your daughter. And if it means skipping the holidays with your family, so be it. Better safe than sorry. And please try your hardest to stay sober so you'll have a clear head to deal with whatever comes up.

crisplover

i feel so scared right now. I really dont know where to turn or what to do. I love my mum and bringing all this up again would be so bad for her. Even my daughter has said not to say anything about it.

I feel like we have to put up with my step dads behavior to keep the peace. A few years ago he was being vile to my little boy and i actually thought that he might hurt him one day when he lost his temper. He is better with him now but now this...

To not go there at xmas would rip the family apart, my daughter has stopped seeing her dad and his family because he is a nasty piece of work. He used to hit me when he got drunk and she now sees him for what he is, so to lose this part of the family too, would be so bad but this isnt right, is it?

Dee74

Only you can say what you think is right for you and your family CL, but I wish my family had backed me up and protected me in much the same situation.

I know many others were abused in much more significant ways than I was, but it still scarred me.

Make sure you're doing the right thing for your daughter - I would think she has to be the priority.

D

crisplover

Thank you all for your advice. Today I feel terrible, hungover and tired.

One thing is clear to me though, my drinking is progressing at a scary rate. I really need to stop and get a grip of my life. I have a lot of problems that I can't control this is something that I can. I will stop drinking today and be a better mother. My children deserve better than this.

Hello again Day One...

Dee74

Good for you C

D

Hollyanne

Hi Crisp,
Sorry about everything. I think you have a lot to think about. I would look after you and your daughter. You might have a "terrible vomiting bug" that keeps you home at Christmas.
You don't have to explain anything for now. Wait till you are stronger. Skip the booze, eat crisps. You cannot repeat the cycle. You know what happened to you and you have the power to prevent stepcreep from doing the same to your daughter.
You MUST see that your mother was WRONG and you can be RIGHT. This man can continue to do this because everyone is complicit. Call him on it. When you feel up to it.
Wouldn't it be nice to walk up to him and say, "You are a creep, you did it to me and you are trying it on my daughter. You were mean to my son. I am warning you, do NOT mess with my children or I will mess with you!"
He is only "supportive" because it gives him power over you.
"Better alone, than in bad company".
By the way, we have all had our slips and that is ok. Just start today and do not drink today and do the same tomorrow. Nothing will be better with drink. We know that.
Pulling for yea!

julez

I completely agree with Hollyanne. You don't have to say a word to your mom. Get your step father alone, and tell him you were aware that he was a creep back then, but for the sake of the family you buried it. Now that its your daughter, theres no way you will stand by and allow her to be treated that way, or have to feel creeped out. Tell him he better shape up! Maybe he wouldn't say anything to your mom, but if he did, it would be on him before it was on you.
And I'm sorry you slipped. Get back in the game.

artsoul

That's excellent, CL! I know that I feel 100% stronger now that I'm sober. The anxiety/depression/hangovers really add to the emotional toil, and you certainly don't need any more of that.

If it were my daughter, I think I'd tell her to stay at your side during any family occasions - that way you can keep an eye on the situation. I'd tell my stepfather that if it happens again, you'll file a report with the police, or refuse to let him around your daughter again.

I feel for you and your family. Drinking will only add to your problems, of course. Don't let your family's dysfunction ruin your taking care of yourself. Hugs......

VeeTee

Hi crisps - hughughug... I'd agree to the above - there is no need to include your mother into this if you don't want to. Tell him in a few short sentences that YOU KNOW about his behaviour and that YOU ARE WATCHING HIM. Then do so and make sure he sees that you are.

vee

SSIL75

Peace? This is peace?

And when (WHEN) he goes further with your little girl... will she tell you the next time? Or will she know that 'the peace' is priority?

This is how monsters and nightmares persist.

Anna

Crisp,

I am SO concerned for your children.

Please think seriously about keeping them away from this pervert. Please.

Honestly, it makes me so angry reading this!!! Why would you let your children near him??? Why???

I'm sorry I have to step away from this thread because it is making me furious.

jamdls

Hi Crisp, my father molested me as a child and my mother refused to believe me and protect me; he was a drunk (he's now been sober for 25 yrs); I know I drank in large part to forget only of course the drinking made me remember that much more. I became a single mother of a daughter (she's a mom herself now), when she was young before my drinking was a problem we would visit my parents every year or 2, I never for 1 second would leave my daughter alone with my father, when we visited I never let her out of my site. As long as you stay sober you can do what is right for you and for your child.

crisplover

what a difference 12 hrs makes. I kept my daughter off school today and we spent the day together. We had hot choc and spent loads of money that i dont have on lovely new clothes. I bought myself some Cookie Monster PJs!! It was a really nice day, even though I was seriously hung over.

I told her that I was off the booze for good and that i was going to see a councillor and deal with all this stuff. We talked about how we would deal with the step dad situation and we do not know what to do at this point, but I promised her that come xmas day, I would be sober and looking out for her.

I will deal with this.

I have also decided to view my recovery as a happy time and not one of misery and struggle. I am free now and I will be happy. Never again will I wake up at 3am and cringe about the amount that I have drunk the night before, or have panic attacks when I leave the house and no more drinking from a mug pretending it's tea or hiding bottles in the cupboard. Time to be happy.