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I blew it and need help

Old 11-22-2010, 03:47 PM
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I blew it and need help

I've been "almost sober" for years, after a very dissolute partying time in my life that lasted, well, a long time. By "almost sober" I guess I mean "not truly sober." I have managed to go for long periods of time - a year or more - without drinking, but this last five years or so I settled into a comfortable Wednesday night drinking routine, all by myself at home, where I'd get my alkie yayas out. Wednesday because trash day is Thursday and I could toss the bottles and cans so I wouldn't have anything to remind me the night before...I've never truly been in "denial" in that for many years I've been quite willing to state that I'm an alcoholic, but obviously I've yet to fully embrace the notion that I must quit drinking, forever and ever, amen.

Since early summer, things in my life got dramatically worse and I started drinking every night. Lately, in the day time as well, if I could.

I've dropped the ball on just about everything lately, and on Saturday night was totally hammered and sent my mother a furious email liberally peppered with F-bombs. I haven't answered my phone or checked my email for days and days, I am disappointing a LOT of people (and my dogs!) right now.

So Friday I saw a therapist (I have various diagnoses, mostly major depression and bipolar, throw in ADHD and PTSD so they say, but thousand of dollars and hundreds of hours don't seem to have gotten me anywhere so far) because I NEED to get back on meds and get clean. I'm 52 and have been on this roundabout for many years. Dec 1 I have an appointment with a psychiatrist, and I know I have to stop drinking, especially if I'm going back on mood stabilizers/anti convulsants/anti psychotics or some type of happy pills. They don't play well with alcohol.

I am ashamed and angry with myself and avoiding people because I don't have the vocabulary to step up to the plate and say "I'm effed up, I am drinking heavily, and I don't have the cojones to deal with life on real terms right now." I simply don't know how to frame that. I almost wish (not really I suppose) that I could have cancer or a heart attack or something concrete that people would understand, but I'm apparently as healthy as a horse. I've even had an MRI to check for brain shrinkage, liver function test, full physical and cardiac workup. I guess I think I need to find a reason, instead of an excuse, for screwing up.

So here I am, gearing up for another quit, hoping for some understanding from anonymous people. I have tried AA in the past and it seriously isn't for me on several levels, although I programmed the phone number of the local chapter into my phone today, although I haven't called. But I think maybe if I could find meetings I click with, it might help.
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Old 11-22-2010, 04:10 PM
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Hi Bloomfield

Welcome to SR.

I'm glad your seeing a therapist and about to see a psych - that's a good start

I spent years looking for reasons - these days I tend to accept addiction/alcoholism is not logical. I find it far more beneficial to just accept it *is* - I don't need to know everything about it to 'beat' it...I just need to take action.

I think most people find a recovery group useful - whether it's AA or some other kind like SMART or whatever.

Whatever you decide on that score - my advice is to stay plugged in here - you'll find a lot of support

As for explanations, I think thats probably of secondary importance now to be honest. Do something positive for yourself first - worry about fallout and explanations later
D
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Old 11-22-2010, 04:33 PM
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Hi and Welcome,

I am also glad to hear you're going to see a psychiatrist and that you're seeing a therapist.

I am not an AA person either, but I do a lot of work on my recovery.

I don't think it's important for other people in your life to understand what you're going through. Yes, it would be nice if they did, but most people just don't get it. That's why I come here every day because this is where I find support and inspiration.

One thing I would ask you is what changes did you make to your life besides stopping drinking? I had to make a lot of changes of people, activities, places in order to recover.
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Old 11-22-2010, 05:08 PM
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(((Bloomfield))) - welcome to SR!

I went to meetings in the past, still used what I learned there, but I had to further down my spiral before I found recovery.

I'm glad you've been checked out by the dr. and have appts. set up. SR is a great place for support, but like ((Anna)) said, we do have to change. It's not just about not drinking (or drugs, in my case) but we do have to stop first. I didn't "get" what recovery was all about, until I'd read here, a lot, and heard other recovery successes. I didn't want to be down on myself, all the time, and letting down others.

Whether it's here, AA, SMART, or something else, I DO think support is very important and you'll find it here.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 11-22-2010, 05:51 PM
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((((((Bloomfield)))))))) You have landed yourself in just the right place. There are so many people here who are in just the same boat as you. Myself, I have not had a drink in over six years, but I started smoking pot again a few years ago and it had spun completely out of control. Quit again this weekend. 3 days now! It isn't easy, but it is possible.

As others have already said, finding some kind of support is pretty important, especially early in sobriety. I chose AA mainly because it is easily accessible and there were tons of meetings around my hometown. I haven't been to many meetings lately, though, and I kind of miss it!

Hope you will stick around. Post a lot, if you can, and let others get to know you. Read a lot, too. You will find a lot of experience, strength, and hope here. Besides, it keeps you busy because there is so much going on here all the time and it takes a while to keep up!!
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Old 11-22-2010, 06:14 PM
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Hey Bloomfield,

Around here or at any AA meeting for that matter, you're going to hear plenty of similar stories. The angry, drunk e-mails - done that. Not knowing how to explain a drinking problem - it's not easy for anyone.

I do AA, and I think there's one very rudimentary part to the steps that I think is good advice for anyone. The steps start by grounding yourself in something that keeps you stable. When you get to that, then it's time to go back and look at things that went wrong and how they may be fixed.

I know some may really disagree with me, but if you did happen to find a meeting that you liked, just go and give and get what you need. I know in my city all you have to do to participate is not want to drink (and, common sense, respect that others may be doing formal step work.) I think it would be good to try a few and see if there's a crowd you click with.

-Isaiah
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Old 11-23-2010, 03:18 AM
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Thanks for the wise answers from you all who've been there and done that. And (((hugs))) back too.

That's probably the reason I've never been completely sober - because I've never been completely well, so even when I haven't been drinking I haven't been free of it truly. Anna - you're right, I didn't really make any changes to my life except staying sober in the past. Most of my adult life has been a downward spiral of self-sabotage, so maybe I'll try AA again. I've never really quit with any sort of structured support except from friends. SMART looks interesting, I had to google it...no meetings really close but doable.

I've been reading a lot here as well, which helps. Thanks.
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Old 11-23-2010, 03:34 AM
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Welcome, Bloomfield - I can relate to the "moderate drinking gone bad" .... I had two good periods of sobriety and messed up, too. When I went back to drinking, I started off fine (special occasions, having 2 or 3 on weekends, etc.), but both times it eventually escalated and I was back to the plotting, hiding, obsessing, isolating....

I thought if I said I'd quit "forever," it would set me up for failure (and a part of me didn't want to quit anyway). But what I found was that after a month or two, the thoughts of alcohol started receding. At 6 months now, I feel so much freer mentally. I have ADD and depression, too, but they're manageable now with a little help from my psychiatrist.

Keep working on good healthy solutions for yourself and proper treatment and you'll find it. In the meantime just take sobriety a day or an hour at a time. If we can do it, you can too!
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Old 11-23-2010, 04:01 AM
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Thanks artsoul...I know, it's so insidious! I told myself I was doing fine with "controlling" my drinking, even though I really knew I wasn't.

What triggered me into full-blown drinking again was losing my home earlier this year...I scrambled for money, sold my van, and bought another, cheap fixer-upper, and in my mind I was telling myself "when I get settled again I can address the drinking and quit easily enough."

Or not. I don't think I've spent a night here sober since I moved in 6 weeks ago. Just for fun, I will not drink today. One day at a time! As soon as it's light I'm taking my dogs for a good walk in the woods to clear my head before work.
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Old 11-23-2010, 04:05 AM
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We're in the same time zone and I'm pulling an all-nighter (first one in decades - I'm in my 50's, too, so it doesn't sit well with me!). I've got a work deadline, though.

I can relate to the financial thing, too - I'm never sure if I'm going to be able to pay the mortgage these days. I hope things turn around for you really soon!

Have a great day - it's the beginning of a new life! Yea!
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Old 11-23-2010, 04:12 AM
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Welcome to the family! I find walking my dogs to be wonderful therapy on so many levels. The exercise, fresh air, and sunshine does me wonders, not to mention feeling good about getting them out for exercise and "checking their peemail".


As far as AA goes, there are so many different kinds of meetings that it's likely that at least one of them will 'click' for you and you'll feel comfortable there. I only go to my home group these days but really enjoy it.

What helps me a lot, in staying sober and managing my life and being happy, is my weekly counseling session. Would that be an option for you? I know in many areas there are free or low cost counseling programs. I'd be lost without my counselor and will continue to go once a week until/unless I become ineligible for their free services.

I also give a huge chunk of credit for my sobriety to the caring supportive people here at SR. It's like a really great meeting 24/7.


Again, welcome to the best recovery site everywhere!
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Old 11-23-2010, 04:34 AM
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least, LOL I have a tee shirt that has a "peemail" cartoon on it.
Honestly I feel that I've failed at counseling...have been to so many counselors, some excellent some not, and have stuck with some for a couple of years or more and every year things seem to get worse (that self-sabotage thing)...I'm just leery about doing it all over again. However the clinic I just went to requires at minimum a monthly counseling session with a therapist in order to get meds. I really did like the counselor I saw last Friday, so we'll see. I don't qualify for free anything, but this place reduces cost significantly for self-pay clients, which helps.

artsoul, hope you make the deadline and then get some sleep!
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