When the Past Seems too Close
April 18, 2010
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,117
When the Past Seems too Close
Hi everyone. I need some help from the collective wisdom pool right now.
I have been feeling very secure in my new life, in recovery and all of it, and I feel like I am in many ways a different person, which is a good and needed change.
The thing that has come up in recent days is that I have been in touch with older friends from "back then" -- and by back then, I don't just mean drinking days, but days that were really all over the map in terms of debauchery. I received bad news about someone's drug problem advancing severely and this has been the biggest deal upsetting me lately, because it is a scary reminder of where things could have gone and also reminds me that a few years ago I was living a life where this type of thing wasn't surprising. Plus, I am devastated to learn about his state. I am not in touch with him currently and I think it is healthiest for me to stay that way.
Unrelated to him, but also related to the past, I am also going to see an old friend at a conference in a few months. I am not worried about my sobriety seeing her, because she is not much of a drinker and always encouraged me to quit, long before I was even remotely interested in doing so, and she knows and supports what I'm doing. Additionally, I'm seeing a different old friend sooner but I have decided that in the interest of reducing my stress about it I am only going to see him for a few hours in safe-feeling situations (that is, we are meeting for lunch and going to a museum).
I should clarify by explaining that I moved halfway across the country a few years ago. The friends I've met in my new place are easily divided into "those who I partied with who I could stop hanging out with" and "those who I had healthy friendships with." Thus, I cut all unhealthy ties here in my first months of sobriety, and it was easy to do since these weren't established friendships. With these older friends, who stretch back over half my life, I find it is more complicated. Both of the friends I am seeing have overcome a lot in their own lives and are now in healthy places.
I guess my problem is that I am dealing with the merging of the past with the present in a way that is making me feel uncomfortable. I feel like the past is rushing up against me. I want to feel more secure with the new me, but just thinking about all this has thrown me for a loop. How do you negotiate accepting the past, especially when it "lives" somewhere else? Is avoiding it a form of denial or is that healthier? I feel like I've lived an insane life. For a while it seemed like that insane life happened to another person, and I'm sure that was aided by the physical distance from it, but right now the past life feels all too present. I know you can't run from your problems, but I tried to do that several times. When I quit drinking seven months ago, it was a huge deal to make a big change without also changing my location. It will surprise no one here that when I made the move three years ago, I seriously considered quitting at the time so that all the new people I met would not know the "old" me. It took me much longer to actually do it.
So, I guess I'm struggling with the concept of dealing with the past, how much to embrace it and how much to abandon it.
This is an existential and unclear and relatively humorless posting so I apologize . . . if anyone relates, please help.
I have been feeling very secure in my new life, in recovery and all of it, and I feel like I am in many ways a different person, which is a good and needed change.
The thing that has come up in recent days is that I have been in touch with older friends from "back then" -- and by back then, I don't just mean drinking days, but days that were really all over the map in terms of debauchery. I received bad news about someone's drug problem advancing severely and this has been the biggest deal upsetting me lately, because it is a scary reminder of where things could have gone and also reminds me that a few years ago I was living a life where this type of thing wasn't surprising. Plus, I am devastated to learn about his state. I am not in touch with him currently and I think it is healthiest for me to stay that way.
Unrelated to him, but also related to the past, I am also going to see an old friend at a conference in a few months. I am not worried about my sobriety seeing her, because she is not much of a drinker and always encouraged me to quit, long before I was even remotely interested in doing so, and she knows and supports what I'm doing. Additionally, I'm seeing a different old friend sooner but I have decided that in the interest of reducing my stress about it I am only going to see him for a few hours in safe-feeling situations (that is, we are meeting for lunch and going to a museum).
I should clarify by explaining that I moved halfway across the country a few years ago. The friends I've met in my new place are easily divided into "those who I partied with who I could stop hanging out with" and "those who I had healthy friendships with." Thus, I cut all unhealthy ties here in my first months of sobriety, and it was easy to do since these weren't established friendships. With these older friends, who stretch back over half my life, I find it is more complicated. Both of the friends I am seeing have overcome a lot in their own lives and are now in healthy places.
I guess my problem is that I am dealing with the merging of the past with the present in a way that is making me feel uncomfortable. I feel like the past is rushing up against me. I want to feel more secure with the new me, but just thinking about all this has thrown me for a loop. How do you negotiate accepting the past, especially when it "lives" somewhere else? Is avoiding it a form of denial or is that healthier? I feel like I've lived an insane life. For a while it seemed like that insane life happened to another person, and I'm sure that was aided by the physical distance from it, but right now the past life feels all too present. I know you can't run from your problems, but I tried to do that several times. When I quit drinking seven months ago, it was a huge deal to make a big change without also changing my location. It will surprise no one here that when I made the move three years ago, I seriously considered quitting at the time so that all the new people I met would not know the "old" me. It took me much longer to actually do it.
So, I guess I'm struggling with the concept of dealing with the past, how much to embrace it and how much to abandon it.
This is an existential and unclear and relatively humorless posting so I apologize . . . if anyone relates, please help.
2nd chance at a 1st cl*** life
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Jose, Ca
Posts: 492
I can relate. I have trouble in understanding what aspects of the past I should hold on to and which to let go of. My biggest dilemma is that I'm going through a divorce. My wife told me previously that once I've achieved a year of sobriety we could talk about reconciling. To me that chance seems very grim. So I don't know whether I should hold on to the idea that there may be a chance for us, or just let it go. From what I've been told I should just give it to God, but we all know its easier said than done.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
I was never a 'party' drinker, just home alone drinking, so have no experience in what you're dealing with. I too have troubling thoughts of my past behavior/choices and often find myself regretting my past and being bothered by it. Like I'd wasted the last few years that 'could have been' a lot better had I not started drinking.
But as someone's signature line says: don't look back, you're not going that way (or words to that effect). I'd say just go with whatever is comfortable for you, be it intimate meetings or more casual ones. I wish I could help you more, but I can give you a big ol'
But as someone's signature line says: don't look back, you're not going that way (or words to that effect). I'd say just go with whatever is comfortable for you, be it intimate meetings or more casual ones. I wish I could help you more, but I can give you a big ol'
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
I can very much relate to your post.
It was no surprise to me that I began my recovery on the heels of a long-distance move. My husband was changing jobs and so, off we went. It was a perfect time to start recovery and I felt so good knowing that the people I was meeting would know the recovering me. And, I could leave the past behind in a way. During my drinking days, I rarely drank in public and very few people suspected that I had a problem, but I didn't like myself at all at that time. And, I didn't like the kind of friend that I was, and I didn't like the person I was. I know, looking back, that I was attracting toxic people into my life, not alcoholics, but negative people. Since then, I have not had much connection with friends from that era, and like you, I am not totally comfortable with the idea. It is bit of a clash to confront the person I am now, with the person I was then.
Interestingly, the relationships I formed ten years ago when I made that major move, have been some of the very best relationships of my life. And, I know that because of cutting my ties with the past, I opened myself completely to new people coming into my life. I was raw and vulnerable, and somehow, the Universe brought me the most wonderful guides and mentors I could imagine.
I have no answers or advice for you, except to say, that if you are uncomfortable, maybe it's not quite the right time yet for renewing those connections? But, maybe it's a challenge that would be good for you?
It was no surprise to me that I began my recovery on the heels of a long-distance move. My husband was changing jobs and so, off we went. It was a perfect time to start recovery and I felt so good knowing that the people I was meeting would know the recovering me. And, I could leave the past behind in a way. During my drinking days, I rarely drank in public and very few people suspected that I had a problem, but I didn't like myself at all at that time. And, I didn't like the kind of friend that I was, and I didn't like the person I was. I know, looking back, that I was attracting toxic people into my life, not alcoholics, but negative people. Since then, I have not had much connection with friends from that era, and like you, I am not totally comfortable with the idea. It is bit of a clash to confront the person I am now, with the person I was then.
Interestingly, the relationships I formed ten years ago when I made that major move, have been some of the very best relationships of my life. And, I know that because of cutting my ties with the past, I opened myself completely to new people coming into my life. I was raw and vulnerable, and somehow, the Universe brought me the most wonderful guides and mentors I could imagine.
I have no answers or advice for you, except to say, that if you are uncomfortable, maybe it's not quite the right time yet for renewing those connections? But, maybe it's a challenge that would be good for you?
April 18, 2010
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,117
John -- thanks for the response. Your situation sounds very complicated and I am sorry you are going through that struggle.
Least, thank you for the hug and kind words and the useful signature line you passed along!
Thank you for posing this question -- it helps me distill what the question is. And I also am really glad you can relate to how moving is related. You also help me put friendship in perspective. Right now these are my oldest friends, but that doesn't mean that other friends can't be as important to me one day (as you mention finding new people). I am most likely going to be moving again before I am able to settle in one place for a longer time, but I do need to keep in mind that there will be room for close relationships with new people, and I thank you for helping me with that.
I think I'm going to rest on it for a few days. I think I got overwhelmed by the fact that all these three things I mentioned (the news about the friend in trouble & the opportunity of seeing the other two) all came up within a few days. I am seeing now that I don't have to see it as one big stress, but as separate things, not "my past" as a looming large thing but just a few elements of my past which I can choose to try to incorporate into my new life or let go. Right now I believe that the potential good is worth the challenge, but I am going to be very cautious and let myself think for now. It's a lot of think about . . . thank you so much for your words.
Least, thank you for the hug and kind words and the useful signature line you passed along!
Originally Posted by Anna
I have no answers or advice for you, except to say, that if you are uncomfortable, maybe it's not quite the right time yet for renewing those connections? But, maybe it's a challenge that would be good for you?
I think I'm going to rest on it for a few days. I think I got overwhelmed by the fact that all these three things I mentioned (the news about the friend in trouble & the opportunity of seeing the other two) all came up within a few days. I am seeing now that I don't have to see it as one big stress, but as separate things, not "my past" as a looming large thing but just a few elements of my past which I can choose to try to incorporate into my new life or let go. Right now I believe that the potential good is worth the challenge, but I am going to be very cautious and let myself think for now. It's a lot of think about . . . thank you so much for your words.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
I can also relate...I moved 3 times hoping to quit at the same time...it never worked...I ended up quitting after moving back to my home town and being there for 15 months. As for people...well even the friends I drank with (before I isolated) were kind of like me I think...drinking too much but also looking for something better...I tend to attract seekers into my life. Now that I am sober one of my best friends is someone I used to drink the most with...she is 3+ years sober and is probably the only person in my life I can have an honest f2f conversation about alcohol with.
It sounds like these friends are in a new place in their lives as well...you say they have overcome obobstacles ...maybe they are coming back into your life at this time for a reason:-)
It sounds like these friends are in a new place in their lives as well...you say they have overcome obobstacles ...maybe they are coming back into your life at this time for a reason:-)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Lomita, California
Posts: 200
Well, I moved around a bit to get away from some of the people I used to party with, but they always seemed to find me again. Guess, living in So Cal for 50 out of 53 years doesn't help me. BUT, over the last 10 years, I slowly let go of all those aquaintences I used to drink/ party with, I don't go to bars or clubs any more, and the few real friends I have totally support my sobriety. Family in Arizona as well, when I visit there.
Girl, as far as the past, it is just that. Today is what you make of it. My day will be another sober one. It sounds like it will be that way for you, too. If they truly love you, as a friend or "other"
, then they will understand the new you and still love you. If not, split the check at least. LOL, just kidding. Hope all goes well. Hugs!
Girl, as far as the past, it is just that. Today is what you make of it. My day will be another sober one. It sounds like it will be that way for you, too. If they truly love you, as a friend or "other"
, then they will understand the new you and still love you. If not, split the check at least. LOL, just kidding. Hope all goes well. Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by AmericanGirl 
So, I guess I'm struggling with the concept of dealing with the past, how much to embrace it and how much to abandon it.
You are clean and sober 7 months, fantastic, that may be long enough for your sobriety to be safe as your life intersects those of people from your pre-recovery days... but you know whether that is true, and that wasn't really your question.... It was more existential...
Emerson's quote by Pascal certainly applies... but I would bet that ol' Ralph had to deal with a question of this sort himself.... how else would he arrive at that conclusion, had he never struggled with this very question?
Yea, the past is rushing up against you in the form of people you once included in your life, but now you are recovered, you've changed, have they? What an ideal opportunity to take a step towards better self knowledge!! And to "see" your friends again for the first time.
Relax, you'll know whom, or what, to abandon... or to embrace, when the time comes... Why worry about that now? What would be the point of life, really, if we had all the answers ahead of time?
Mark
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Living with my past at times has been very uncomfortable, I had pretty much alienated everyone the last few years that I drank except for 1 person that I'd been drinking buddies with for over 20 yrs and we'd get together a couple of times a year even at the end. When I quit drinking I didn't want to be around this person at all, he would email occassionally and want to get together I eventually told him that I needed to cut off all contact, he continued to email on my birthday and Christmas and I never responded; finally this past summer after almost 3 yrs of sobriety I felt comfortable enough to meet him for lunch but the past came flooding back to me that day and I won't go there again as I don't want to reopen my past again. I think you are very smart to keep these meetings with your old friends to a minimum and just see how you handle it.
April 18, 2010
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,117
Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences, similar pending situations, and advice/words of wisdom. It really helps to know I'm not the only one dealing with this and yes, I think ultimately this will be a learning as I go thing. 
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
