Went out with someone
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
Went out with someone
OK, so I started to go out with this guy. At first I was hesitant to even go down this path (I may have had the symptoms that lead up to the female version of the dreaded white madness-yikes!) After many friends and family noted their opinion I did what a friend suggested to see what the dating pool is like out there (scary for a over 50 year old woman with 2-uh, challenging, young sons)--I joined match.
First I gotta say-WTH. It was scary. I found myself inundated with IMs from people from all over the world--sure honey, I am after your hot bod and I will get on an airplane and fly across the world because you told me I'm cute (along with the 1000 other women you cut and pasted that same thoughtful message--what are we in high school??) So after getting over the shock of being what a friend later told me I was (fresh meat--at which point I thought-OK there are a lot of guys out there who are suffering from SEVERE symptoms leading up to white madness!) But I got the hang of it, weeded out the pervs and there were a few guys, based on what they wrote about, I thought--OK, I can have coffee with him.
I was totally honest in my profile--I thought I just do not want to cull the herd so I might as well scare most of them off
Anyhoo--I did wind up having tea with a guy who weirdly enough lived only about 10 minutes from my house and was my age (and was not looking for somone 22 to 60 to date) and more interested in friendship. We had tea-talked for about 2 hours and I thought--very interesting guy and nothing like anyone I have ever gone out with in my entire life (which in my book is a good thing). So we got together a couple times after that and took our dogs to the dog park and talked on the phone-for a couple weeks. No hanky panky going on and I thought-that's fine, don't know you well enough to jump your bones anyway and I really do like you. A good friend works too (and figured I could lay my pre-white madness symptoms down for a bit).
Then, he just disappeared for 2 weeks (and my friends told me this is not unusual behavior for match so I thought that's OK). I had called and he did not return my phone call. The cool thing is I did not go into instant lowering of self esteem (hand wringing-why did he not like me, did I do something wrong--the awfulizing thing). Just chalked it up to a new learning experience. I felt disappointed but did not start the squirrel-caging thing.
I half-heartedly looked at the match thing again and there were a few guys I thought-eh--OK (not worthy of pre-white madness symptoms) but perhaps fun to hang out with. I know I don't have much spare time on my hands. But I notice Mr. Tea is still looking at my profile everyday. I leave it alone. Then he calls me out of the blue and asks if I want to go to the dog park-I figure sure what the heck. xah has the kids and the dog needs a run. So we went to the park and then he asked if I wanted to do something that night. I was not up for a big night out since it was a school night so I told him if he wanted to come over I would make something easy to cook for dinner. Again, I see a change in myself. Old me would have gotten all in a dither--oh gee he really does like me (who said that --was it Sally Field). So shows up with absolutely no alcoholic beverage in hand but says-sorry, forgot to ask if you wanted wine or something. I said nope and he said OK. Again, change--any other man I have dated would have shown up with a 6 pack or a couple of bottles of wine in his hand.
After dinner it suddenly seemed like-hmmm, this is now seeming more like a date than a friend thing because suddenly there was "the awkward silence" when before we were talking like we had known each other for years. We muddled through (and I did not ask him where he went for 2 weeks-which the codie needy me would have done and maybe used the wrong tone of voice). Anyway, it was a school night so I decided to end the awkward silence and say I needed to get stuff ready for work tomorrow and the kids would be home soon (because I told him up front-even as a friend he would not meet my kids because it would freak them out). But by now I am thinking I like him maybe a little more than just a friend so I decide--let's get this over with. Let's just give him a quick goodnight kiss at the door. So I did and it was returned with a big smile and an offer to come over to his house sometime during the week and he would make me dinner. I waited until he left and tried not to swoon because he said he was going to make me dinner.
OK, there is more to this but I am writing a book--so I will write more later. Mostly at this point I am happy I am just letting things be, not thinking 3 years in advance and am just having fun.
And yes, things have moved beyond friendship in the last couple weeks but sanity is still staying intact and my codie behavior seems to be taking a back seat. . .I think.
First I gotta say-WTH. It was scary. I found myself inundated with IMs from people from all over the world--sure honey, I am after your hot bod and I will get on an airplane and fly across the world because you told me I'm cute (along with the 1000 other women you cut and pasted that same thoughtful message--what are we in high school??) So after getting over the shock of being what a friend later told me I was (fresh meat--at which point I thought-OK there are a lot of guys out there who are suffering from SEVERE symptoms leading up to white madness!) But I got the hang of it, weeded out the pervs and there were a few guys, based on what they wrote about, I thought--OK, I can have coffee with him.
I was totally honest in my profile--I thought I just do not want to cull the herd so I might as well scare most of them off
Anyhoo--I did wind up having tea with a guy who weirdly enough lived only about 10 minutes from my house and was my age (and was not looking for somone 22 to 60 to date) and more interested in friendship. We had tea-talked for about 2 hours and I thought--very interesting guy and nothing like anyone I have ever gone out with in my entire life (which in my book is a good thing). So we got together a couple times after that and took our dogs to the dog park and talked on the phone-for a couple weeks. No hanky panky going on and I thought-that's fine, don't know you well enough to jump your bones anyway and I really do like you. A good friend works too (and figured I could lay my pre-white madness symptoms down for a bit).
Then, he just disappeared for 2 weeks (and my friends told me this is not unusual behavior for match so I thought that's OK). I had called and he did not return my phone call. The cool thing is I did not go into instant lowering of self esteem (hand wringing-why did he not like me, did I do something wrong--the awfulizing thing). Just chalked it up to a new learning experience. I felt disappointed but did not start the squirrel-caging thing.
I half-heartedly looked at the match thing again and there were a few guys I thought-eh--OK (not worthy of pre-white madness symptoms) but perhaps fun to hang out with. I know I don't have much spare time on my hands. But I notice Mr. Tea is still looking at my profile everyday. I leave it alone. Then he calls me out of the blue and asks if I want to go to the dog park-I figure sure what the heck. xah has the kids and the dog needs a run. So we went to the park and then he asked if I wanted to do something that night. I was not up for a big night out since it was a school night so I told him if he wanted to come over I would make something easy to cook for dinner. Again, I see a change in myself. Old me would have gotten all in a dither--oh gee he really does like me (who said that --was it Sally Field). So shows up with absolutely no alcoholic beverage in hand but says-sorry, forgot to ask if you wanted wine or something. I said nope and he said OK. Again, change--any other man I have dated would have shown up with a 6 pack or a couple of bottles of wine in his hand.
After dinner it suddenly seemed like-hmmm, this is now seeming more like a date than a friend thing because suddenly there was "the awkward silence" when before we were talking like we had known each other for years. We muddled through (and I did not ask him where he went for 2 weeks-which the codie needy me would have done and maybe used the wrong tone of voice). Anyway, it was a school night so I decided to end the awkward silence and say I needed to get stuff ready for work tomorrow and the kids would be home soon (because I told him up front-even as a friend he would not meet my kids because it would freak them out). But by now I am thinking I like him maybe a little more than just a friend so I decide--let's get this over with. Let's just give him a quick goodnight kiss at the door. So I did and it was returned with a big smile and an offer to come over to his house sometime during the week and he would make me dinner. I waited until he left and tried not to swoon because he said he was going to make me dinner.
OK, there is more to this but I am writing a book--so I will write more later. Mostly at this point I am happy I am just letting things be, not thinking 3 years in advance and am just having fun.
And yes, things have moved beyond friendship in the last couple weeks but sanity is still staying intact and my codie behavior seems to be taking a back seat. . .I think.
Last edited by HoopNinja; 11-21-2010 at 09:28 AM. Reason: typo
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
That is so wonderful!!!
I found that being open to just meeting people was always an interesting lesson!!!
Quite a different thing too..once you meet a few "okay" people and you yourself are not interested for whatever reason (or none)...it makes you far more philosophical about the whole thing and not taking on things personally that don't need to be!
You are enjoying the goodness...that is what it is all about! YAY!
I found that being open to just meeting people was always an interesting lesson!!!
Quite a different thing too..once you meet a few "okay" people and you yourself are not interested for whatever reason (or none)...it makes you far more philosophical about the whole thing and not taking on things personally that don't need to be!
You are enjoying the goodness...that is what it is all about! YAY!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
OK so other things I realize. He does not appear to have a selfish bone in his body (I am sure he does--I think we all do at times) but I have to realize that I am comparing him to the men I usually date so I guess it is relative. He does things that I have forgotten people do for each other. I have just gotten used to being alone in so many ways that I need to step back and go--OK, not controlling, just being a nice guy. It is OK to let someone do something for me.
Example-we were going to go out last night and made plans to meet around 5:00. At around 3:30 I was stripping a hoop so I could retape it and my box cutter slipped off the hoop and into my thumb but the bottom knuckle. I did not even need to look to know I was going to need stitches. Grabbed some paper towel, wrapped it around my thumb, grabbed my keys and called Mr. Tea to let him know I was going to have to move back the time because I was going to urgent care and why. He said he'd be right over and take me (this is where xah would have started to **** and moan because I was ruining his day and then he would have stood around and made "I'm annoyed--this is taking too long" sounds while I was getting stitched up--remember this is the man who left me with 2 kids the night I came home from the hospital after a hysterectomy because he had a gig). I told Mr. Tea that I had not called so he would have to drive me and he just said, I know. I'll take you and then I'll take you home to get ready and we can go out.
See this is where I think, where did he come from?! Certainly not any planet I have ever lived on.
Next topic--I have no idea what normal drinking is anymore. I have never been around someone who did not drink themself stupid. I am trying hard to go slow because I am known to pick out people who are not good for me (although match picked him out-well sort of since I picked him out of their picks). I feel weird because I find myself seeing how much he is drinking (which right now is not a lot). He does have beer in his fridge and booze in his cupboards--but so did I before xah was in my life and I was not an alcoholic. I am trying not to over-react to seeing liquor in his house. I feel like I have alcohol related PTSD!
Example-we were going to go out last night and made plans to meet around 5:00. At around 3:30 I was stripping a hoop so I could retape it and my box cutter slipped off the hoop and into my thumb but the bottom knuckle. I did not even need to look to know I was going to need stitches. Grabbed some paper towel, wrapped it around my thumb, grabbed my keys and called Mr. Tea to let him know I was going to have to move back the time because I was going to urgent care and why. He said he'd be right over and take me (this is where xah would have started to **** and moan because I was ruining his day and then he would have stood around and made "I'm annoyed--this is taking too long" sounds while I was getting stitched up--remember this is the man who left me with 2 kids the night I came home from the hospital after a hysterectomy because he had a gig). I told Mr. Tea that I had not called so he would have to drive me and he just said, I know. I'll take you and then I'll take you home to get ready and we can go out.
See this is where I think, where did he come from?! Certainly not any planet I have ever lived on.
Next topic--I have no idea what normal drinking is anymore. I have never been around someone who did not drink themself stupid. I am trying hard to go slow because I am known to pick out people who are not good for me (although match picked him out-well sort of since I picked him out of their picks). I feel weird because I find myself seeing how much he is drinking (which right now is not a lot). He does have beer in his fridge and booze in his cupboards--but so did I before xah was in my life and I was not an alcoholic. I am trying not to over-react to seeing liquor in his house. I feel like I have alcohol related PTSD!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
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Posts: 5,924
I feel like I have alcohol related PTSD!
IMO Normal looks like this: Does not have to drink. If you say, "I don't want to go to such-and-such place to eat dinner because it is also a bar and I do not want to be in a bar" there is no problem, no further discussion necessary. Person will have one drink and then not drink the rest of the night-during the regular course of a week. Person can be the designated driver and go to a bar with friends and drink coke.
The healthier person is not, surprisingly, the person who does not drink at all. The healthier person is the one who drinks a few a week, but no more than one or two in a day.
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