How do I tell her I want a divorce?
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Join Date: Oct 2010
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How do I tell her I want a divorce?
Considering my AW's recovery is so half-a**ed, I have reached the conclusion that nothing will change. An addict will always be an addict, and with the fact that she is doing her recovery with the excuse of "I was physically dependent on the medication", I know it's not really recovery and it's guaranteed a relapse will come sooner rather than later.
So far, I know I need to take care of myself and think of what is best for ME at this point. And even if she was undergoing a real recovery, I don't think I could ever trust her again as too much damage was done. In other words, I need to move on.
Right now, I was focusing on my own recovery and at least trying to put money aside for when the day came. But a future exit opportunity seems to be showing itself in ~6 months. My BIL intends to move in with his BF who has a roommate that is moving out in May. So this would open up a room and rent would be equivalent to whatever hole-in-the-wall, closet sized appartment I would have to get in order to be able to cover both my bills/debts and alimony that will likely come out of the divorce.
Seems like a decent opportunity as timing would be about right in regards to what I need to save up and would allow me to be on somewhat of a more cozy rental for about the same price. But this leaves me with two questions.
1) Moving in with my BIL (or soon to be ex-BIL) seems like a potential awkward situation. He currently lives with me and my AW so he is aware of all that is going on and is beyond fed up with his sister's behavior so he is also looking to get some distance from her and her addiction. But obviously it seems like it could lead to some sitcom-worthy awkward situations in the future. Any thoughts on this?
2) How do I break the news of my decision to my AW? I know deep inside she probably knows that I have a foot out the door. But with all good addicts, they are pros at denial. In a way, I would prefer working things out and possibly reach some kind of arrangement to avoid the court and all the related legal fees. But at the same time, I feel that if I tell her too soon, it just gives her time to find some way to sabotage me or fire some kind of preemptive strike. I am just not sure what approach may be best....
Any thoughts are welcome.
Sebastien
So far, I know I need to take care of myself and think of what is best for ME at this point. And even if she was undergoing a real recovery, I don't think I could ever trust her again as too much damage was done. In other words, I need to move on.
Right now, I was focusing on my own recovery and at least trying to put money aside for when the day came. But a future exit opportunity seems to be showing itself in ~6 months. My BIL intends to move in with his BF who has a roommate that is moving out in May. So this would open up a room and rent would be equivalent to whatever hole-in-the-wall, closet sized appartment I would have to get in order to be able to cover both my bills/debts and alimony that will likely come out of the divorce.
Seems like a decent opportunity as timing would be about right in regards to what I need to save up and would allow me to be on somewhat of a more cozy rental for about the same price. But this leaves me with two questions.
1) Moving in with my BIL (or soon to be ex-BIL) seems like a potential awkward situation. He currently lives with me and my AW so he is aware of all that is going on and is beyond fed up with his sister's behavior so he is also looking to get some distance from her and her addiction. But obviously it seems like it could lead to some sitcom-worthy awkward situations in the future. Any thoughts on this?
2) How do I break the news of my decision to my AW? I know deep inside she probably knows that I have a foot out the door. But with all good addicts, they are pros at denial. In a way, I would prefer working things out and possibly reach some kind of arrangement to avoid the court and all the related legal fees. But at the same time, I feel that if I tell her too soon, it just gives her time to find some way to sabotage me or fire some kind of preemptive strike. I am just not sure what approach may be best....
Any thoughts are welcome.
Sebastien
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Location: Land of Cotton
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Sebby - I'm glad that you are taking care of yourself. That is so good.
In my very humble opinion, I think it is very smart to make sure you have all your arrangements made, money saved, a consultation or two with an attorney, even a few boxes packed before you tell her about your divorce plans. Keep your cards close to your vest. As you suspect, things could get very, very chaotic if you were to tell her now. If you just march ahead with your plan, you will at least be able to focus on all the difficult things that need to be done WITHOUT the chaos. You'd only be making a stressful situation much worse, you see? Then, when you have all your ducks in a row you will have much more control AND the impetus you need to resist the quacking that will surely take place.
As for the move with your BIL, I can see how that would be tempting but it doesn't sound like a good choice to me -- too volatile and thwarts your attempt at keeping things a 'secret' until you're ready.
In my very humble opinion, I think it is very smart to make sure you have all your arrangements made, money saved, a consultation or two with an attorney, even a few boxes packed before you tell her about your divorce plans. Keep your cards close to your vest. As you suspect, things could get very, very chaotic if you were to tell her now. If you just march ahead with your plan, you will at least be able to focus on all the difficult things that need to be done WITHOUT the chaos. You'd only be making a stressful situation much worse, you see? Then, when you have all your ducks in a row you will have much more control AND the impetus you need to resist the quacking that will surely take place.
As for the move with your BIL, I can see how that would be tempting but it doesn't sound like a good choice to me -- too volatile and thwarts your attempt at keeping things a 'secret' until you're ready.
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Thanks tjp.
I figured it was somewhat pointless to tell her until I have most everything ready to go. Gives her less of a chance to try and manipulate things her way. And I can surely do with less stress at the moment, which is what I am trying to get away from.
As for moving with my BIL, he is already aware of the situation since he lives with us at the moment and is the one that suggested that if I wanted to move out, maybe we could just move together someplace cheaper. I am not too worried about him spilling the beans. I was more worried about the possible bizzare situations later on. Especially seems to void the detachment that would come with the divorce since he would likely keep me update on what she is up to. But at the same time, since I don't have any friends out here, I would have somewhat of a social network to get started with versus being a recluse in my own little studio apartment.
I figured it was somewhat pointless to tell her until I have most everything ready to go. Gives her less of a chance to try and manipulate things her way. And I can surely do with less stress at the moment, which is what I am trying to get away from.
As for moving with my BIL, he is already aware of the situation since he lives with us at the moment and is the one that suggested that if I wanted to move out, maybe we could just move together someplace cheaper. I am not too worried about him spilling the beans. I was more worried about the possible bizzare situations later on. Especially seems to void the detachment that would come with the divorce since he would likely keep me update on what she is up to. But at the same time, since I don't have any friends out here, I would have somewhat of a social network to get started with versus being a recluse in my own little studio apartment.
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sebby
I think you are wise to wait until you are ready and able to move out before telling her. Often when we change or are the "cause" of a consequence, the addicts behavior escalates to try to get things back to the way they were. You could face ~6 months of escalated addicted behaviors!
Moving in with BIL.....entirely up to you. You have healthy concerns and have a grasp on the possibility that it could be awkward. Hopefully, your HP will guide you.
gentle hugs
I think you are wise to wait until you are ready and able to move out before telling her. Often when we change or are the "cause" of a consequence, the addicts behavior escalates to try to get things back to the way they were. You could face ~6 months of escalated addicted behaviors!
Moving in with BIL.....entirely up to you. You have healthy concerns and have a grasp on the possibility that it could be awkward. Hopefully, your HP will guide you.
gentle hugs
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
sebby, sounds like you have a plan, so I would prepare with talking to an attorney. I dont think you have to tell your wife yet until your ready to make a legal move first, keep things under your belt, you never know what an addict will do when they find things out about us..trust me, keep things to yourself.
I cant say that it would be good for you to move in with your BIL, but if he
isnt happy with living with your wife right now then its good for him to move out..keep in mind though, once you leave is when the drama starts and living
with your bil she might use him for information on you, that can be a sticky situation on his part and being its his sister one day he could turn around and
be against you..just my thought.
can your wife go live with him instead and you stay in the home, again maybe talk to an attorney about living arrangements, once you file for seperation or divorce a plan can be arranged. be careful about just taking off though please talk to an attorney first.
I cant say that it would be good for you to move in with your BIL, but if he
isnt happy with living with your wife right now then its good for him to move out..keep in mind though, once you leave is when the drama starts and living
with your bil she might use him for information on you, that can be a sticky situation on his part and being its his sister one day he could turn around and
be against you..just my thought.
can your wife go live with him instead and you stay in the home, again maybe talk to an attorney about living arrangements, once you file for seperation or divorce a plan can be arranged. be careful about just taking off though please talk to an attorney first.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 63
Thanks.
I think in a way, I would like things to be resolved amicably. But that is codependent thinking of me.
I know she will have issues in regards to medical insurance due to her "health issues". And she could always turn to her step mom who has money and spew a story to her in order to lawyer up.
So what I think is to offer legal seperation which should allow her to keep my current work medical coverage. As for alimony, I figure I would offer a fair 30-40% minus her share of debt payment. Most debts are joint and it is unrealistic that any of them can be refinanced to take the other person off. And at the same time, I don't want to trust her in making payments and not messing up my credit any further. Just hoping I can offer something fair enough that she will take it or that even an eventual lawyer will say to just take the deal.
As for the BIL, it is a tough call. It does give me a way out without being totally alone. He is also beyond fed up with her behavior so he will likely move out even if I don't. At least once I am away from the current situation, moving out from the BIL would not be a complicated. I still have to think about that one...
Sebastien
I think in a way, I would like things to be resolved amicably. But that is codependent thinking of me.
I know she will have issues in regards to medical insurance due to her "health issues". And she could always turn to her step mom who has money and spew a story to her in order to lawyer up.
So what I think is to offer legal seperation which should allow her to keep my current work medical coverage. As for alimony, I figure I would offer a fair 30-40% minus her share of debt payment. Most debts are joint and it is unrealistic that any of them can be refinanced to take the other person off. And at the same time, I don't want to trust her in making payments and not messing up my credit any further. Just hoping I can offer something fair enough that she will take it or that even an eventual lawyer will say to just take the deal.
As for the BIL, it is a tough call. It does give me a way out without being totally alone. He is also beyond fed up with her behavior so he will likely move out even if I don't. At least once I am away from the current situation, moving out from the BIL would not be a complicated. I still have to think about that one...
Sebastien
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