They're escalating with the nagging.
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Join Date: May 2010
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They're escalating with the nagging.
My in laws won't let it go, and a showdown between my DH and his father seems imminent. If I hear "for the sake of the family" one more time I might vomit on the spot. There is no "family", there are two addicts and a fleet of enablers - then there's us. We are standing firm on our boundary. My husband recently received a one word text from his dad - "unacceptable.". This caused my husband to make a journal entry about all of the things that he feels are unacceptable about my FIL and the status quo. It was cathartic for him.
I recently told a codependent family member that we want for the addicts what they should want for themselves, and that in recovery the will become productive members of society and self sufficient. The response that I got was - "that's rare, not everyone can do that". I could have been talking to a wall. I felt my blood boil on the spot, the I start naming people in my family and my husband's who have achieved the "rarity" of self sufficiency. Arghh!!!!
I am afraid of what the next several days will bring, FIL already did a pop in today for the explicit purpose of "working on" my DH. Fortunately his timing was bad. I pray for strength, this is thoroughly exasperating and reminds me of the terrible twos tantrums. Give in once and regret it for years to come.
I recently told a codependent family member that we want for the addicts what they should want for themselves, and that in recovery the will become productive members of society and self sufficient. The response that I got was - "that's rare, not everyone can do that". I could have been talking to a wall. I felt my blood boil on the spot, the I start naming people in my family and my husband's who have achieved the "rarity" of self sufficiency. Arghh!!!!
I am afraid of what the next several days will bring, FIL already did a pop in today for the explicit purpose of "working on" my DH. Fortunately his timing was bad. I pray for strength, this is thoroughly exasperating and reminds me of the terrible twos tantrums. Give in once and regret it for years to come.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Nerdgirl
Wow......hang in there.....you're ok! I feel a lot of compassion for the people who are struggling with addiction......but I feel an equal amount of compassion for those of us who are struggling with co-dependence. Speaking for myself here......I have been every bit as "sick" as the addict in my life in my past.
Peace and gentle hugs to you
Wow......hang in there.....you're ok! I feel a lot of compassion for the people who are struggling with addiction......but I feel an equal amount of compassion for those of us who are struggling with co-dependence. Speaking for myself here......I have been every bit as "sick" as the addict in my life in my past.
Peace and gentle hugs to you
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
I agree with FREEDOM on this.....just remember STEP 1: we are powerless over alcohol AND
the 3 C's:
you did not cause this
you can not control this
and you can not CURE this...
please go to Al anon...stand your ground...and your sanity!
the 3 C's:
you did not cause this
you can not control this
and you can not CURE this...
please go to Al anon...stand your ground...and your sanity!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
You can pick your friends.
You can pick your nose.
But you can't pick your friends nose.
I mean you can't pick your family. ;-)
I am dealing with a relentless psychotic sister in law myself. I mean she's way out of line and she won't let up. I have disengaged completely and I told my mother that I love her and I respect her - but it's either SIL or me for thanksgiving. I told her I would come but I would not stay while SIL was there. And I told my mother it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. My mother is a martyr and thinks EVERYTHING has to do with her so I needed to make it clear it was my choice and my personal boundary.
So anyway, I have no advice for you. But apparently your husband is going to have to get EVEN tougher with his personal boundaries and completely disengage - at least through the holidays so your holidays aren't ruined by the stress that they bring into your life everytime he engages with them. No phone calls. No answering the door. No nothing. That is hard, but life is hard.
:-(
You can pick your nose.
But you can't pick your friends nose.
I mean you can't pick your family. ;-)
I am dealing with a relentless psychotic sister in law myself. I mean she's way out of line and she won't let up. I have disengaged completely and I told my mother that I love her and I respect her - but it's either SIL or me for thanksgiving. I told her I would come but I would not stay while SIL was there. And I told my mother it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. My mother is a martyr and thinks EVERYTHING has to do with her so I needed to make it clear it was my choice and my personal boundary.
So anyway, I have no advice for you. But apparently your husband is going to have to get EVEN tougher with his personal boundaries and completely disengage - at least through the holidays so your holidays aren't ruined by the stress that they bring into your life everytime he engages with them. No phone calls. No answering the door. No nothing. That is hard, but life is hard.
:-(
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
nerdgirl..your doing great keep standing your ground! I know its so difficult for us, but remember your doing the right thing for you and your family.
It really gets me though that people and society have their heads in the sand regarding addiction and at times make us look insane and uncaring, like we have to protect what is right for us..yet we suffer too. why dont they just leave us alone? enough already with the drama, tell them move along folks we made our decision..
stay strong nerdgirl and continue what your doing, your need to stay on track with your recovery..
It really gets me though that people and society have their heads in the sand regarding addiction and at times make us look insane and uncaring, like we have to protect what is right for us..yet we suffer too. why dont they just leave us alone? enough already with the drama, tell them move along folks we made our decision..
stay strong nerdgirl and continue what your doing, your need to stay on track with your recovery..
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by hello-kitty 
You can pick your friends.
You can pick your nose.
But you can't pick your friends nose.
You can pick your nose.
But you can't pick your friends nose.
*you may now return to your regularly scheduled programming*
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Let him nag..or don't answer the phone, texts, etc. They are not going to get their way and are only digging a deeper hole w/ ur husband. you are right about the 2 year old thing..if you give in now, they learn that the high pressure sales tactics work on you guys. Only 4 days to go!
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Join Date: May 2010
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Thanks everybody! 
I feel guilty for saying that there is no family. They do love each other, but their actions are misguided because they are all mired in their disease. I work every day to forgive the insults that they shower upon me, and what works the best for me is to remind myself that they are all very much mentally ill. It's the truth after all, and it takes the sting out of their words for me.
We received no pop-in visits yesterday. Thank God. The opportunities to leverage my husband are dwindling by the minute, but I expect a fully loaded verbal assault complete with pop-in on thanksgiving itself - which is why I would like to go out to dinner even though I enjoy cooking. My DH doesn't like that idea of going out because he hates crowds. Bottom line is that if we're here they will *try* to pester us.
Keepinon, you're right on. If they are going to escalate things they will force us to escalate our efforts! And they are totally having a tantrum. Four months ago my husband went to a birthday dinner after being subjected to the exact same tactics and my husband says that that going was his biggest mistake. We reinforced the negative behaviors and effectively bought ourselves more nagging and disrespect for our boundaries. Never again.
I feel guilty for saying that there is no family. They do love each other, but their actions are misguided because they are all mired in their disease. I work every day to forgive the insults that they shower upon me, and what works the best for me is to remind myself that they are all very much mentally ill. It's the truth after all, and it takes the sting out of their words for me.
We received no pop-in visits yesterday. Thank God. The opportunities to leverage my husband are dwindling by the minute, but I expect a fully loaded verbal assault complete with pop-in on thanksgiving itself - which is why I would like to go out to dinner even though I enjoy cooking. My DH doesn't like that idea of going out because he hates crowds. Bottom line is that if we're here they will *try* to pester us.
Keepinon, you're right on. If they are going to escalate things they will force us to escalate our efforts! And they are totally having a tantrum. Four months ago my husband went to a birthday dinner after being subjected to the exact same tactics and my husband says that that going was his biggest mistake. We reinforced the negative behaviors and effectively bought ourselves more nagging and disrespect for our boundaries. Never again.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
They can't even see that by pushing so hard they are ENSURING that you don't go..they also aren't playing it out to its logical conclusion which would be..if you went, you would be resentful, SIL would provoke some kind of reaction, and EVERYONE would be miserable..believe me, I lived it! I became the scapegoat in my husbands family..I was trying to control everyone..really, I was just trying to protect my kids from the erratic behavior of an active addict.I totally get it.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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Originally Posted by Nerdgirl
The opportunities to leverage my husband are dwindling by the minute, but I expect a fully loaded verbal assault complete with pop-in on thanksgiving itself - which is why I would like to go out to dinner even though I enjoy cooking. My DH doesn't like that idea of going out because he hates crowds. Bottom line is that if we're here they will *try* to pester us.
You and DH are doing fantastic! Hope you don't mind my sense of humor. It's been a great coping mechanism when it comes to family members in denial.
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Thanks freedom & HK.
FIL called to chew DH out yesterday. DH stood firm. Apparently he also called my non-addict BIL to chew him out for making other plans for the holiday too. I feel better knowing that we're not the only ones getting this nonsense from my FIL. The only company my FIL will have for thanksgiving is addicts and their codependents. That's the way it has to be until they find recovery.
As for my medical stuff, the docs told me I have a minor problem in my stomach (that'll make you lose weight!) This is great news since my mind was fixed on the worst case scenario.
FIL called to chew DH out yesterday. DH stood firm. Apparently he also called my non-addict BIL to chew him out for making other plans for the holiday too. I feel better knowing that we're not the only ones getting this nonsense from my FIL. The only company my FIL will have for thanksgiving is addicts and their codependents. That's the way it has to be until they find recovery.
As for my medical stuff, the docs told me I have a minor problem in my stomach (that'll make you lose weight!) This is great news since my mind was fixed on the worst case scenario.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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Originally Posted by Nerdgirl
As for my medical stuff, the docs told me I have a minor problem in my stomach (that'll make you lose weight!) This is great news since my mind was fixed on the worst case scenario.
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Join Date: May 2010
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Ugh
Many texts back and forth between DH and FIL today. I suggested to DH that he should probably just ignore but he wanted to engage his dad. It wasn't good. What irks me more than anything is - we said no. I know that he has a mental illness but jeez Louise, have some respect for us and our decisions!
So, tomorrow before I start the cooking extravaganza I am going to park my car in the driveway such that FIL (or anyone else) can't pull in. I'm going to kill the pop-in before it happens. If anyone wants to pop in I'm going to make it mighty inconvenient, and hope that it's enough of a deterrent for bad manners. We'll see....
Though there's only a day left until thanksgiving, I do not expect this to be over anytime soon.
So, tomorrow before I start the cooking extravaganza I am going to park my car in the driveway such that FIL (or anyone else) can't pull in. I'm going to kill the pop-in before it happens. If anyone wants to pop in I'm going to make it mighty inconvenient, and hope that it's enough of a deterrent for bad manners. We'll see....
Though there's only a day left until thanksgiving, I do not expect this to be over anytime soon.
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Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
It is very rude for people to come by when they know you don't want them there. Did your husband say don't come over on Thanksgiving, we don't want to see you?
I just don't get it. I guess, after you all you can do, you just have to let go and let God. Whatever happens happens. It doesn't need to be a battle nerdgirl. I hope anyway.
Try to find your inner peace. What they do need not affect you. I know it will be hard. But I hope you find the strength to let go of outcomes tomorrow. No matter what.
I just don't get it. I guess, after you all you can do, you just have to let go and let God. Whatever happens happens. It doesn't need to be a battle nerdgirl. I hope anyway.
Try to find your inner peace. What they do need not affect you. I know it will be hard. But I hope you find the strength to let go of outcomes tomorrow. No matter what.
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FIL did the pop in early in the afternoon before I could position my car. No high pressure sales tactics, just small talk over tea while I worked on preparing our dinner.
I am grateful that we were able to uphold our boundary without the drama that we have come to expect from my in-laws.
We had a lovely relaxing meal together, just me, DH and the kids.
I am grateful that we were able to uphold our boundary without the drama that we have come to expect from my in-laws.
We had a lovely relaxing meal together, just me, DH and the kids.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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Originally Posted by Nerdgirl
FIL did the pop in early in the afternoon before I could position my car. No high pressure sales tactics, just small talk over tea while I worked on preparing our dinner.
I am grateful that we were able to uphold our boundary without the drama that we have come to expect from my in-laws.
We had a lovely relaxing meal together, just me, DH and the kids.
I am grateful that we were able to uphold our boundary without the drama that we have come to expect from my in-laws.
We had a lovely relaxing meal together, just me, DH and the kids.
:ghug3
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