pascal

Day 15 and doubting if my problem was as big as it seemed when I started. I know from this blog that this is a common feeling during early sobriety. I almost wish I could relive a bad hangover or one of my stupid things I did when I was drunk just to keep me scared straight. The events that drove me to sobriety are fading memories making me question if the results of my drinking really were as bad as I thought they were. Anyone else feeling that way?

WatchTheSky

Yes. I'm on day 20 and feeling very much the same way.

NEOMARXIST

Denial is a massive part of alcoholism. It's usual for people to start to feel better and then talk themselves back into another drink.

For me then I knew with total certainty that prison, institution or death were the only options for me if I continued to take that first drink. However that wouldn't have kept me gratefully sober and I'm sure i would have talked myself into being over-dramatic and took that first drink before long. I used to do that regularly.

I discovered that alcoholism is primarily a 'thinking' problem and not a 'drinking' problem so my thinking better change or I would be drinking again before long and I knew where that would end as I've already mentioned.

I knew without doubt that I'm an alcoholic. I dedictaed my life to my recovery as I was sick of being a drunk and embraced my alcoholism as the salvation for me to change my life around. I'm so grateful that I stayed sober 'just for today'.

I used and continue to use AA, SR and much wisdom from elsewhere.

All The Best

stephnc

It is very common to feel this way, although for me - by the time I finally quit drinking the last time, I was so effed up from the quantities of alcohol I'd consumed that when day 15 arrived I was still feeling like sh!t, physically and emotionally. Be grateful if that's not the case for you yet.

Hang in there, and remember this disease wants to kill you. Period. Don't let it.

WatchTheSky

I keep reminding myself that if I weren't an alcoholic, I would not be going through all this effort to quit. And if I weren't an alcoholic, it would be easy to just think of how much drinking has messed up my life and my body and just say "no thanks" at parties. Since I am quitting and it is difficult, I'm going to guess that I am an alcoholic.

tmbg

That's the ticket to trying it all over again, thinking it'll work this time. I'd start feeling better because the anxiety/depression of alcohol would abate, and every time, I was right back to the same state that had me wanting to quit. The worst part was how the experience became progressively worse.

At any rate, if you can't remember the hangover, maybe go back and read all of your posts and think about what the heck made you come to SR in the first place.

You have my support in staying sober for whatever it worth because I will assume there really was a reason that you came here.

glitter

When I first starting hearing people talk about their own experiences with their addiction or drinking I thought that I just didn't measure up and that I was *different* - that I wasn't that bad. I felt like I didn't belong.

I have come to think about it in a different way now. I OBVIOUSLY suffer the effects of addiction. My life was effed up. I am thankful beyond belief that my story doesn't include what so many other stories include. So in that sense, it really wasn't that bad for me....but it was bad.

Thinking I am different in some way without looking at the similarities I have with others who may seem worse off than me is what will take me out....without a doubt.

It's amazing how over time, I have heard my story told over and over when in the beginning all I could hear was the differences.

SSIL75

Rational Recovery's AVRT is a very powerful tool for me (you can google it). Reminding myself that if I could drink like a normal person... I'd have drunk like a normal person

lionchaser

Go to a meeting. Go to a couple meetings and listen to a newcomer. Its usually a trip down memory lane.

Dee74

Hi Pascal

I would feel good and I would say' ok you overreacted Dee - 4 days on and you feel great! You were just drinking too much...it was a phase...'

but the first thing I'd do?
Drink.

I'm not trying to be confrontational but I really doubt people with problems that 'weren't so big' come to a recovery forum, sign up, and stay here for 15 days, Pascal.

Read some of your old posts...think about how you felt - remember it.

Take it from me - I really pushed the boat out until it was nearly too late - denial can, at best, keep us unhappy - and, at worst, it can take us out.

Make the right choice Pascal
D

Opivotal

Just the fact that you are thinking of alcohol kinda confirms the fact you have a problem with it. Non alcoholics do not dwell on the fact of drinking or not. It does not consume their minds or thoughts. This is what I found out. Made me realize I will never be able to drink again, for any reason. I'm at almost 6 months and with the Holidays coming I was "thinking" maybe I could have a few glasses of wine. Maybe I can go back to "normal drinking". It's my alcoholic mind trying to pull me back. I GET it now.

I pray for you to "GET" it too. Play the tape through in your head from start to finish. Will it really be worth it?

Best Wishes

pascal

Thanks for all your input - a good reality check. I use to believe that feelings produced behaviors. Now, in light of my fledgling, new sobriety am coming to believe the opposite - behaviors produce feelings. I feel this way because I am not doing the right behaviors - in particular getting in a recovery group. I am so afraid about being "found out." The bar I frequented had a not so funny sign that read: "I am not an alcoholic because I don't go to meetings." I guess I stared at it too much.

tmbg

Well, thank you, too, Pascal. Your post reminded me again how good it is to be sober right now. One thing is for sure, SR can really ruin drinking for you.

johndelko408

We will not regret our past, NOR WISH TO SHUT THE DOOR ON IT. embrace all those terrible feelings from the past so that you never go back there again. I too doubted my problem in the beginning. It took me drinking myself into another blackout and waking up in the guest room at my friends house to realize I had a serious problem. Doesn't sound that bad, you might say. But when I asked how I got there I found out that I spent $100 on a cab ride to get there. On the way I guess I hit up an old conection cause showed up with an 8ball of coke and that other than the few lines I gave to my friends that I put the rest up my nose. Previous to that I hadn't done coke in years. I don't know how I got it or from who. I didn't remember any of my old connects. At first i didnt believe them, but when one of them showed me a picture they took of me that night I knew it was true.

julez

The alcoholic voice speaks to all of us pascal. Don't listen.

artsoul

Feeling good again was always the signal for me that it was time for a drink. I finally had to face the fact that things weren't going to get any better as long as I picked up the first one. So I asked myself "If not NOW, then WHEN are you going to quit?"

I decided I really couldn't afford to end up in the hospital, so I might as well get sober now and get it over with.

It wasn't until about a month into sobriety that I really saw just how much it had negatively affected me.

Early on I also carried around the promise of a hangover-free morning the next morning if I put in the work today. That helped me get through quit a few days (as did coming here). Keep the faith!!!

Kmber2010

I relapsed the first go thinking....oh I got this now....I quit and survived. This thinking came with no support and no program of recovery. I drank myself and popped pills to the point I almost died that relapse/last bender.

Take a look through your old posts if you need a reminder but I think amping up the support is the best thing.

Keep it going Pal

Anna

Good for you for recognizing that feelings do not need to create behaviour. I felt like a complete victim to my emotions, and it was a lightbulb moment, when I knew that I could pay attention to a feeling and let it go. I didn't have to act upon it.