steve1840

now that the fog is clearing again, i can start to look at things differently. to do that i have to go back to first meeting my alo and go through the history all over again.

so i am sharing this for no particular reason than to fill you in with another side ofthe story. it probably shows more of my issues than anything.

you know when you are younger and you have that feeling when you meet someone? i got that from her the first time we talked. i had not done the love at first sight thing for years and years. this one blind sided me. we hung out and talked and it seemed like we would be on our way, but she dogged me time after time. i chased her for like over two months and during that short time it was yes no yes no yes no. i was heartbroken. i thought we were meant to be. but i got tired of that game, snapped out of it and had a new relationship after a couple months.

this one did everything the other didn't do. she cared about me and showed it. but after a few months personality stuff was coming through and i wasn't sure how to handle things so i pulled away and eventually ended it. in the meantime my alo gets in touch with me and says all the right things. and i'm in. it waslike a first date that never ended. she basically started living with me right away. after a few months she broke up via text. i was again devastated. over time i won her back and we carried on for many more months.

here is the truth of it. i basically lived to appease her. i was walking on eggshells. i was so afraid she'd leave. i wasn;t happy, but i couldnt be away from her. this never happened to me before. i was too old to be feeling like this and acting like this. i was living in a fog. she wasn't working for the most part. she smoked weed everyday. she was distant most of the time. we were living in separate worlds a lot. i just wanted my space back. she left and i crashed.

it was like a high school breakup. it took me months to get it back to gether and once the fog lifted i saw everything so clearly. after i was me again i met up with an old friend. we started dating. she too gave me everything this one do not. personality stuff again. i was actually smothered and wasn't ready to talk marriage. so that fizzled out. in the menatime i get a call. it was alo.

it had been a year since we spoke, so we hung out. bam. we were back ina matter of no time. also in a matter of no time she was basically living with me again. also in a matter of no time i found out she had been using the hard drugs. she admitted that she had, but was saying she was clean. i found sr and naranon. the honeymoon period was awesome. she was like a different person. then she wasn't and things were heading the same way. i wanted to get out, but couldn't find the heart to do it. until she caused a major infraction- so i sent her packing.

i won;t bother to list all the infractions of these first two rounds. there were a lot. my friends and family were concerned i even went back with her. but i excused everything she did wrong. i blamed everything on her past or her need for therapy etc. she would even acknowledge her issues, but never try to fix them.

months and months went by and eventualy we started talking. little by little we built up a rapport again just as friends. she seemed different. she apologized for all her mistakes and such.her life seemed good. my life was good. all was good. then it started picking up again. i fought it and put some distance in.

then i heard she was missing and sprung into action. you know the rest.

i guess the point is i really don't know how i feel sometimes. on the one hand there is this unexplainable connection i feel toward her. i like the good her alot. we share a lot of similar ideas and tastes. from day one i saw the emptiness in her tha matched my own and felt bad for her. i could feel the absense of love and wanted to give all i had. onthe other hand, i dont think i could ever trust her and i would never feel comfortable and secure wit hher. to be brutally honest, i could see her with someone other then the groom on her wedding day. maybe thats not fair to say, but what i mean is she has some issues. and thena part of me loves her for her craziness and issues. but i never feel whole. at least not for long.

i always wait for her to be the woman i want her to be. thats not fair to her or me. but this illustrates my issues.

but the addiction stuff adds another element because that is sucha sickness. how could i leave her and not be her friend? i dont care what she did in the past, i only care that she is safe and gets better.

but now, the fog is lifting and i remember who i am again. i can love her froma distance. i can learn to do that. i can learn from this andlearn that i can have a happy relationship- with myself and with someone else if i meet
her. maybe its because she's the underdog. i really dont know. atleast i have my weekend plans and i'll keep moving forward.

i found this yesterday and it is rather powerful and i hit 9 out of ten. maybe this is about me as much as her and addiction

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html

Kindeyes

Hey Steve
Ruminating about this relationship is not healthy. At some point we need to reach a point of acceptance. The end of a relationship is sometimes like a death.....it hurts like he77. When my Dad died (his small aircraft went down--he was killed on impact), I expected the NTSB, FAA or coroner to come up with some very specific reason that it happened. I felt that I HAD to know why he died. Was it a mechanical failure? Did he have a heart attack or stroke? What happened? It took me a while but I finally realized that we don't always get to understand everything. There isn't always an answer for everything. Sometimes we just have to accept what is.....and once we do.....we find peace again.

I wish peace for you Steve.

gentle hugs

Abundance

That must have really helped to put it all out there - what you have been thinking for so long and not sharing it was maybe a way of you ignoring it - or not facing it... I think of this post as a break through.

That link you posted is amazing. I relate mostly to the control. When I start to feel a sense of loss of control of all kinds of situations - I have trouble staying grounded - easily can send me into a tail spin.

Thanks for sharing... looks like some real growth.