Jenny1232

Well, I've been seeing this guy for over a month now. It's nothing serious.. In fact I've only seen him about five times total. I do like him... but, that's not the issue here.

His roommate (female) and his best girl friend both despise me. I've met them twice. I've done nothing to them, and I can't help but have hurt feelings regarding this. It makes me angry as well.

Roommate hates me... not sure why.

I assume other friend hates me because when she mentioned moving in with a guy the week they met and being so in love I said, "A WEEK! Don't you think that's too soon"? -- Welp, that chalks me up in the pile of 'trash' to her.

I don't know either of these girls, and while I don't particularly care about them per se, I care about how others view me. I mean, I wasn't to fond of them either, but I can't say I don't like them.. because, I DON'T KNOW EITHER OF THEM.

The problem is.. these are his two really close friends. The roommate said she never wanted to see me (so to make things less awkard I can't really go to his house)... and obviously, he cares about these girls. He said it bothers him a great deal how they feel about me, but he still wants to see me and continue whatever it is we're doing.

All of this just ties into my whole self-worth. I personally, don't like people. I have only a handful of friends, and I don't care to have anymore. I'm a loner.. and I have extremely low self-esteem. These girls disliking me just further validates (in my distorted mind) that I am unlikable.

I'm really upset about this.. when in fact, it shouldn't matter.

Thanks

Freedom1990

I'm having difficulty with this scenario. The whole 'hating you' thing with the two girls has me boggled. I don't understand.

Learn2Live

Hey girl. Been wondering where you ran off to...

Life is going to bring you the same lessons over and over until you learn them.
Stop playing around with boys who have too many girlfriends.
Start un-distorting your mind and work on your self-esteem.
It's easy but you have to want it.

dollydo

Might be time to back off the boys for awhile, to me, you do not seem to be of an emotional mindset to handle a relationship. Are you still going to therapy? To say abstractly that you do not like people raises red flags for me.

Jenny1232

Huh? These aren't girlfriends.. they're his FRIENDS. One of this is in a committed relationship and the other is his roommate.

I ONLY have male friends, so how can I judge a guy with female friends?

My issue is that the people he cares about don't like me, for unknown reasons to me. It bothers him as well, but he still wants to 'see' me. My concern here isn't even so much about him.. it's about my internal feelings regarding this matter.

It leads me to believe I will never be good enough for anyone.
There is something fundamentally wrong with me.
I don't deserve to meet a smart, successful guy, etc.

I don't understand why I am unliked by people I do not even know... and it hurts. I'm a bit offended that he'd get "attacked" in this, because he's just an all around nice guy.

I was reading the post on here not too long ago about the 'spark'. I realized, I feel NO spark with this guy. He's just a sweet guy and I enjoy getting to know him. I honestly can't say what I feel for him. Normally in my past, I'd be hooked instantly. Instant obsession. It's been six weeks or more... and while I think of him often, I can't say I'm head over heels (WHICH IS GREAT, but not the norm with my track record). I have made it a point to TAKE IT SLOW.. with whatever this leads to. I guess my whole point here.. is I don't think he's the typical douchebag I attract.. and he's probably a true 'good guy'.

L2L, I've been reading more so here.. just not posting. I feel like I come across wrong everytime I post, I'm not taken seriously and I'm always undermined. These are my feelings.. and yet I feel it again.

All I wanted to address was my distorted feelings regarding some strangers not liking me. I would hope in time I can ward off any negative self-talk just because some person has something against me, for whatever reason.

I'm just waking up... hope this makes sense.

Jenny1232

Dollydo,

I attend therapy once a week, and I am court ordered to do so for the next eleven months. I don't mind, I volunteered in the first place.

I've never liked people. Is that really a bad thing? My entire life I've been surrounded by losers, liars, cheaters, etc. Obviously I'm trying to get away from that, but it is in my belief most people in society are just s h i t... with the exception of people like you guys. I'm just always disappointed in my personal relationships, or turned off by the actions and lack of feeling regarding others that I see in every one else.

As for a relationship, I agree. I don't really know if I want to date. I know I like him. I see him very infrequently, so it's not like I've dove into something serious. I'm taking precautions for once...

Learn2Live

Jenny, being in a relationship with a guy who ONLY has girls as friends is not healthy. There is a group dynamic there that is ALWAYS going to make you uncomfortable so of course you feel bad about yourself. My point is focus on YOU and your LIFE not some guy, your relationship with him, and all his friends and how they hate you and now how all this makes you feel badly about yourself.

Not arguing with you but I never got this sense from you. Sorry you feel this way.

Live

all the people in my life don't necessarily like each other but out of respect for me they are courteous and respectful to the others I care about out of respect for me.

if his roomies are such good friends they should have enough and he should demand enough respect that they are decent and civil to you, as someone he cares about.

it is a crummy situation to be in and you know that because it makes you feel bad.

since he won't right the situation, what will you do to be respectful to yourself and your feelings?

Freedom1990

My sponsor and his wife have been married for 20 years now. I don't quite get the dynamics, or why he married her, but I respect his decision. They are happy.

She's like a porcupine, and even my sponsor has admitted she's aloof. I don't know if she doesn't like people in general, or what the reason is for why she is the way she is.

I get along with her, and she has helped me from time to time when I needed someone to talk to and he's been out on the road.

I do know she clearly projects a barrier around herself, which I am sure could be taken by some as a dislike of people in general.

Intense internal feelings are pretty hard to hide from others, at least they are for me.

I'm sad that you believe most people in society are crap, but you are entitled to your feelings.

I know that in my life, I tend to be drawn to people who are warm, genuine, and happy.

People on the opposite end of the spectrum are the ones I avoid if at all possible.

Just my thoughts on the subject.

Thumper

So you made a bad first impression. It happens. People have all kinds of internal junk they are dealing with. I can think of all kinds of reasons why they might be cold to you that having nothing what-so-ever to do with you. If you didn't like them, they probably sensed it as well. I try to remind myself that it isn't always about me. I can get really fixated on what people think about me too and in hindsight - they weren't thinking about me at all.

Also, if the boyfriend is talking about the others to you in anyway - it is pretty likely he is talking about you to them. That is usually how it works and the spin differs depending on the audience. I know you didn't say he was - I'm just throwing that out there because it has been an eye opening realization for me on more then one occasion. Things get dramatic quickly when people do that, even when it is done innocently.


This runs deeper then worrying about what some women you've only met twice think about you. I don't know what to advice but I would bring it to you counselor.

Maybe you can sit down and write out some more positive self talk sentences you can say in your head when the negative stuff starts invading.

You are creating sort of a self-fulfilling cycle. If you generally do not like people, and don't care to add friends to your life, it is not surprising that people do not act friendly towards you. People subconsciously pick up on that stuff.

Back when I had friends I attach myself to girl friends that were generally warm, fuzzy, and outgoing. They are people magnets. I do that because I am not. Just sharing that because I think this post sounds a little more harsh then I intend. I get what it is like to send off the wrong first impression - or in my case I don't really make an impression at all.

Learn2Live

Not sure why but I am over 40 and I am STILL working on all these things.
It's getting kinda' old.
Thanks for putting it into words that help me wrap my head around it Anvil.

Jenny1232

I never said he ONLY had female friends.. I stated I ONLY have male friends. He has male friends too... I have met two of them.

I feel by acknowledging and addressing my underlying feelings that I am focusing on me. Rather that steadily moping around and feeling sorry for myself.. I am trying to work through these feelings. It really has little to do with him and it's about HOW I FEEL when some meaningless person doesn't like me.

I hope you don't feel like I'm attacking you.

Learn2Live

I don't feel like you are attacking me Jenny. I'm just not sure what else I can share that will help you. I like you and I hope you figure it out for yourself someday. It starts with you hon.

Jenny1232

I like you too, lol.

Thanks

Freedom1990

Trying to work through the feelings is a good step, Jenny. What I don't understand is why continue with this current guy you have seen a few times when you can't even go to his place because of the roommate?

If I find myself in a situation where I feel bad, I need to back off and re-evaluate where I am.

Am I making any sense?

fourmaggie

first, i dont think its you....these girls are being on the defensive from what i can see, you walked into their territory and maybe these girls are worried on what you may bring into this enviroment (some jealousy issues on their part??unresolved issues for them...)

plz stop this "stinking thinking" we girls are gonna run into other girls who just not gonna like us....they see something in YOU that they want...and it becomes an attack on their part...they dont know any better..but if you have al anon...you are not responsible for THEM and how they act or behave....

trust me, being a single "widow" brings back a whole lot of umm...FEELINGS for all my married friends...(gosh dont get me started...lol)

TakingCharge999

Hi Jenny!! if he was your friend he would put a stop on them and place the boundary to them that you are a welcome guest just as anyone and they don't have to like you or love you because you are visiting HIM and not THEM. And I don't see that happening.. something is fishy...



I suggest meeting in neutral places. That gives you the chance to be invited to nice new restaurants and coffee shops. Does he invite you to places like that?

TakingCharge999

And if he wants to bring them up you go "I am not interested. Please don't talk about them when you are with me".

As you continue working with the therapist your self worth will keep increasing, its not a magic thing that happens overnight, we need to work on it little by little every day

Live

TC and Freedom have said what I was thinking.
He is not treating you with respect

I don't want to be spending time with any guy when I am unwelcome at his place.
You haven't been seeing him long, it would be easier for me to just move along and holler "NEXT" in my head.

Thumper

I know, for myself, I have trouble with figuring out if I need to change, or if I need to look at the situation and see if I need to change that in some way.

My default is that I need to change something about myself. In hindsight I see where sometimes I was trying to change myself or reach some kind of awareness or way of thinking of something when I should have been evaluating the entire situation and making changes in the situation in order to protect myself. I had no internal voice at all. I had no 'gut feelings' about situations. Well I did but did not recognize them or pay attention to them. I did not spend any time evaluating what was good for me.

It is still really hard for me and I'm not sure I could do it within a personal relationship. I practice it at work and in casual social situations.

Not sure if that applies here but this post made me think of it.