Chaos After Meeting
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 10
Chaos After Meeting
I have not been to a meeting in years…tonight I went to my first. I allowed myself enough time to find the meeting (I was not given a sense of direction). I was lost but did arrive on time. I was so scared….When I arrived, there were only two other people there. Maybe this was good because I think if there had been a huge group, I would have really clammed up! The meeting went well, I got a list of phone numbers (even though only two were there, the list had 10 names) and I borrowed the “Courage to Change” book so I have to go back again next week. I even got “hugged”.
So I get home and my AH starts screaming “why did you do this”. Throws my pillows out the bedroom and starts pacing up and down the house. “I have not drank in three-weeks”. I should be “talking to him” and not strangers. He was unbelievably upset by this. I told my daughter I was going to a meeting – so that was her response when asked where I was. Was I supposed to lie to them? I didn’t think so.
It’s obvious he is threatened by my doing something. He’d rather me just sit in every night and “take care of everything”. Well I decided enough is enough. I need to do something for myself. I need to make friends who can relate. I thought I may have “Waited too Long???” my recent post, but now hope and realize it’s not too late.
Now I have to ponder what will he do next. Did I set off a binge? What kind of verbal abuse will I have to endure. (He has not drank because he has no $$$ as I support him.) I can just feel when “it’s time” for that drink. I often can’t want for it to happen so it will be done with. I always know it’s coming. I get that sick feeling in my stomach. Why does he care what I do? He is in so much “denial”…..I hate that word. Why can’t he just realize what he’s doing to himself and his family and get the help he needs? It’s clear to me that this will never happen……So he tells me I can’t go to Al-Anon anymore. I plan on attending another meeting Friday evening. That’s actually the day I prefer. He thinks I’m doing this to “start trouble”….
Boy this is hard and scary…but you know what---I plan to continue going and taking one day at a time. Thanks for listening.
Jacky
So I get home and my AH starts screaming “why did you do this”. Throws my pillows out the bedroom and starts pacing up and down the house. “I have not drank in three-weeks”. I should be “talking to him” and not strangers. He was unbelievably upset by this. I told my daughter I was going to a meeting – so that was her response when asked where I was. Was I supposed to lie to them? I didn’t think so.
It’s obvious he is threatened by my doing something. He’d rather me just sit in every night and “take care of everything”. Well I decided enough is enough. I need to do something for myself. I need to make friends who can relate. I thought I may have “Waited too Long???” my recent post, but now hope and realize it’s not too late.
Now I have to ponder what will he do next. Did I set off a binge? What kind of verbal abuse will I have to endure. (He has not drank because he has no $$$ as I support him.) I can just feel when “it’s time” for that drink. I often can’t want for it to happen so it will be done with. I always know it’s coming. I get that sick feeling in my stomach. Why does he care what I do? He is in so much “denial”…..I hate that word. Why can’t he just realize what he’s doing to himself and his family and get the help he needs? It’s clear to me that this will never happen……So he tells me I can’t go to Al-Anon anymore. I plan on attending another meeting Friday evening. That’s actually the day I prefer. He thinks I’m doing this to “start trouble”….
Boy this is hard and scary…but you know what---I plan to continue going and taking one day at a time. Thanks for listening.
Jacky
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 36
Consider yourself hugged.
I wish I had some profound words to say to you that would make everything okay, but I can only share experience. My AH thinks that Al-Anon is a group of women complaining about their husbands and how to get rid of them. He often says "We're not having the problems we had before when I was drunk all the time, I don't think you need to go anymore." Hello??? why do you think we're not having those problems? It's because I am happier that I go to meetings, I now know how to deal with daily living, I'm growing as a human being, I now have the tools to deal with your sorry ass (sorry I had to vent a little myself).
And you hit the nail right on the head - he does feel threatened with a capital T!! If we change they have to change to deal with the new US and they are so afraid, so damn afraid of losing the control over us. But that is not your problem, all you can worry about is you.
Keep going to meetings so you can find some serenity.
God Bless!
I wish I had some profound words to say to you that would make everything okay, but I can only share experience. My AH thinks that Al-Anon is a group of women complaining about their husbands and how to get rid of them. He often says "We're not having the problems we had before when I was drunk all the time, I don't think you need to go anymore." Hello??? why do you think we're not having those problems? It's because I am happier that I go to meetings, I now know how to deal with daily living, I'm growing as a human being, I now have the tools to deal with your sorry ass (sorry I had to vent a little myself).
And you hit the nail right on the head - he does feel threatened with a capital T!! If we change they have to change to deal with the new US and they are so afraid, so damn afraid of losing the control over us. But that is not your problem, all you can worry about is you.
Keep going to meetings so you can find some serenity.
God Bless!
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
Braver Than Words Can Say
Jacky,
Thank you for sharing. I have been struggling this week and your post gave me perspective to stop the pity party cold. You are an inspiration to me and I am so grateful I "stopped in" today to check out the boards.
One Day at a Time is the right way to go for me. You helped me get that back into perspective.
Thank you my Dear! I just said a prayer asking HP to bring you some peace today.
All the best,
Petunia
Thank you for sharing. I have been struggling this week and your post gave me perspective to stop the pity party cold. You are an inspiration to me and I am so grateful I "stopped in" today to check out the boards.
One Day at a Time is the right way to go for me. You helped me get that back into perspective.
Thank you my Dear! I just said a prayer asking HP to bring you some peace today.
All the best,
Petunia
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Jacky
They just cannot see that OUR meetings are not about THEM, but are about US.
Last night I spoke on the phone with my son, who has been clean a few months, and I told him that I had been to a church women's meeting yesterday that was very spiritual and not so "churchy" and that I had enjoyed it, and that I was going to a monthly meeting of a group called "Women Alive" next week.
He said, "You really like those men basher clubs don't you". I was floored. He said it lightly and didn't really intend disrespect, but I was furious and told him that my life and meetings/groups are about ME and that my world no longer revolved around him or any man in my life.
I'm sorry your husband feels threatened by this, but remember that is HIS stuff to deal with and if he chooses to drink over it that it really has nothing to do with what you do or don't do.
Looking after ourselves is the most important thing we can do to get and stay healthy. Anything less than that ensures that we will remain sick. I prefer to heal and stay well.
Sending hugs and prayers that your courage will not fail you!!
Hugs
Ann
They just cannot see that OUR meetings are not about THEM, but are about US.
Last night I spoke on the phone with my son, who has been clean a few months, and I told him that I had been to a church women's meeting yesterday that was very spiritual and not so "churchy" and that I had enjoyed it, and that I was going to a monthly meeting of a group called "Women Alive" next week.
He said, "You really like those men basher clubs don't you". I was floored. He said it lightly and didn't really intend disrespect, but I was furious and told him that my life and meetings/groups are about ME and that my world no longer revolved around him or any man in my life.
I'm sorry your husband feels threatened by this, but remember that is HIS stuff to deal with and if he chooses to drink over it that it really has nothing to do with what you do or don't do.
Looking after ourselves is the most important thing we can do to get and stay healthy. Anything less than that ensures that we will remain sick. I prefer to heal and stay well.
Sending hugs and prayers that your courage will not fail you!!
Hugs
Ann
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: mid-atlantic
Posts: 53
((((jacky))))
if nothing changes, nothing will change...i love that saying, don't you?
keep up the good work and keep doing what you're doing to take care of you now. i know its harder when you have a sick person in the house fighting you every step of the way, but you can do it.
if nothing changes, nothing will change...i love that saying, don't you?
keep up the good work and keep doing what you're doing to take care of you now. i know its harder when you have a sick person in the house fighting you every step of the way, but you can do it.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Oh my...when I started to attend meetings my husband and my son were both livid. I got one of my books thown across a room and put up with all manner of nastiness.
I dug in and did not back down. In time I was going to 3-4 meetings a week. I am just stubborn enough to do what I decide to do in spite of anyone.
Eventually it calmed down. I chose not to share what I was thinking and my behavior changed in time.Theirs has too...that is the most amazing thing.
Oh...and if he uses this as an excuse to drink, that is all it is...an excuse. He would have found another one given enough time.
Hugs,
JT
I dug in and did not back down. In time I was going to 3-4 meetings a week. I am just stubborn enough to do what I decide to do in spite of anyone.
Eventually it calmed down. I chose not to share what I was thinking and my behavior changed in time.Theirs has too...that is the most amazing thing.
Oh...and if he uses this as an excuse to drink, that is all it is...an excuse. He would have found another one given enough time.
Hugs,
JT
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
JM,
Everyone that has shared so far, started right where you did, by walking in the doors of Al=Anon..Not everyone around us will understand nor will they all be happy about it, my family wasn't in the least....I know now that they must have felt a great deal of fear around my changing my life and that meant they'd have to change as well...None of them have instantly stopped drinking...THAT isn't why I go to Al-Anon I go because no matter what others are doing around me, or not doing, I WANT SERENITY IN MY LIFE... If they get anything out of it...It's theirs...
Sending happy thoughts...
Oh, My, Ann I can just see it......
Man-Bashers Anonoumous!
Everyone that has shared so far, started right where you did, by walking in the doors of Al=Anon..Not everyone around us will understand nor will they all be happy about it, my family wasn't in the least....I know now that they must have felt a great deal of fear around my changing my life and that meant they'd have to change as well...None of them have instantly stopped drinking...THAT isn't why I go to Al-Anon I go because no matter what others are doing around me, or not doing, I WANT SERENITY IN MY LIFE... If they get anything out of it...It's theirs...
Sending happy thoughts...
Oh, My, Ann I can just see it......
Man-Bashers Anonoumous!
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Iowa USA
Posts: 102
Hi, just want to drop a note of encouragement. He did react pretty strongly but that is who he is right now.
With mine, I told him ahead of time I was going to do this, I told him, nothing personal, I just see that there are things in me that could be improved, I am going so I can be a happier person. When I come home I don't discuss it or anything, just resume normal activities. He has never said anything about it. Most likely he would like the avoid the topic for his own comfort.
You could say it was free therapy. Free is a good thing.
With mine, I told him ahead of time I was going to do this, I told him, nothing personal, I just see that there are things in me that could be improved, I am going so I can be a happier person. When I come home I don't discuss it or anything, just resume normal activities. He has never said anything about it. Most likely he would like the avoid the topic for his own comfort.
You could say it was free therapy. Free is a good thing.
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