pixilation

WRONG! I am so pissed right now. I took myself to Deathly Hallows(amazing BTW)tonight, getting home about a half hour ago. Pull into the driveway, house is still lit up. yeah, typical. Walk into the entryway, and I hear my 2yo crying. WTF? open the door, and there he is, in just a diaper, standing in the dining room. He could've gotten outside(where it is a very cold 30F) he could've injured himself climbing on something(he can get onto the counters) And..6 empties sitting around, while AH is fast asleep in the bedroom.

I'd cry and scream at him in the morning, but I can't anymore. It's useless, because he just doesn't get it. This is why I quit working, I would come home after work, 9 times out of 10, to find him passed out on the bed or in his chair. How the hell can he expect to take care of the kids if they wake up in the middle of the night(obviously, he can't take care of them at all, considering). And he thinks HE is going to get custody of the kids? yeah frakking right.

He does this every time I try to enjoy myself, finds a way to ruin it.

NoAlcoholToday

Next time put the AH in diapers and leave the 2 year old in charge!

Seren

Hi (((Pix)))....sorry to hear about the old AH irresponsibility thing....but it's really not surprising since he is still in active addiction. It must have been infuriating and frightening at the same time!

Do you have a plan for next time? Is there a neighbor, friend, can you take the wee one with you? (and I mean the baby :rotfxko)

Hugs, HG

nodaybut2day

Are you documenting this? Once you establish a pattern, it becomes easier to prove the other parent's ineptitude and to demand supervised visitation...

naive

hey, there's a solution to the bed-wetting problem after 10 pints of lager!

silly me, i kept washing the mattress with bleach and airing it in the wind...diapers would have saved me a lot of bother!

seriously, tho, pixel, i'm sorry your night was ruined. i can't see any point in discussing it with your man...you'll just get yourself upset with no results...

i hope that there is someone that can help you care for the children...you do deserve a night out.

suki44883

Maybe you could find a babysitter or daycare and then start working again in order to save up money to leave his nasty butt. Do whatever is necessary to keep your child safe.

shegirl

Dont leave him alone with the kids anymore, I familiar with social services, I'm in nj so it might be different where you live but if the kids get hurt while he's watching them and you are aware of his drinking, then you will be held liable also. I'm not trying to scare you or sound mean but that is how things are here.

johndelko408

This makes me feel terrible, but I can relate to your AH. When my son wasn't even 1 yo I took him to sleep with me while my wife was working on her thesis for her masters, I of course was drunk. I laid down in bed with him lying on my chest. The next thing i know I wake up to hear him crying and my wife screaming at me. I rolled over in my sleep and he fell off the bed. Luckily, and I thank God for this, my laundry basket was at thw side of my bed where I was laying down. My son hit the plastic basket as opposed to hitting the hardwood floor. The sad partook it is after that I was only able to quit drinking for 4 months, I was doing it on my own because I refused go to AA. I had the erogant mindset that I was better rthan them. The horrible things I did in my drinking career still pains me inside to till this day. But if I stay on this path I'll have a year of sobriety in less then 2 months. I'm fortunate that my kids are young enough that they will never have a memory of seeing me drunk. My sobriety is for my kids, they are my world and they deserve al much more than what I was before. I'm very sorry you have tp go through this with your AH, I've been in his shoes and those shoe don't fit me anymore, and I'm not looking to get them in a larger size; ever.

Buffalo66

I feel you.
It really does suck to feel like someone is there, but not there at all, and to never have the calm sense that your children are in good hands with their own father enough for you to relax!
For once, even!
I know that feeling all too well, and I am concerned for what may have happened to your little one.
When I used to complain about that, my A would say, get a babysitter, even though he planned to be there.
I finally did that, and it was so awkward for him to sit there and drink with a babysitter there, that he kind of shaped up enough, at that point to refrain from getting drunk while alone w child, however, he still drank, just not alot.

I always wondered what tragedy would have to occur for him to realize his ineptitude in it all, and I thought, if something bad did happen, he would probably find some way to blame me, anyway.

Dont know the rest of your story, but, I hope you are alanoning it...
You deserve to have a night out.

stella27

Yes, you should, but once this happens, you know that you can't anymore. Not with him in charge. It becomes irresponsible on your part. I'm sorry. I have been there, too.

pixilation

I know, I realize I can't anymore. I was trying to do it only on weekends(and even then,rarely) when my teenager could run interference, but yeah, not anymore.

And yes..I have kept a journal where I am documenting all of this.

pixilation

Oh, and I had asked him to not drink on those rare nights that I leave. He thinks it's okay "after they go to bed".

whatever..there's a medical dermatology study being run in town next month, $750 for an hour a day, for 3 weeks. So...I'm going to call today and ask about it. I already have a playgroup friend who has said she will babysit for me. that will be enough for a deposit on an apartment.

Phoenixthebird

Dear Pixilation, you have every RIGHT to be frustrated and angry! Use SR for your venting. BUT DON'T GIVE IN! You are more than just a wife to an alcoholic!
If you give into your AH he wins and you will lose yourself into the downward spiral of alcoholism!

I suggest you take time out. Rethink your plans; your future; and your life!

You wrote "I'd cry and scream at him in the morning, but I can't anymore. It's useless, because he just doesn't get it. This is why I quit working, I would come home after work, 9 times out of 10, to find him passed out on the bed or in his chair. How the hell can he expect to take care of the kids if they wake up in the middle of the night(obviously, he can't take care of them at all, considering). And he thinks HE is going to get custody of the kids? yeah frakking right." "He does this every time I try to enjoy myself, finds a way to ruin it."

Have you thought of working at home or becoming a freelancer? This way you could be earning money while staying with your children. Earning money for your future!

****************************************** ******************

You Can Be Whatever You Want To Be!

There is inside you
all of the potential
to be whatever you want to be,
all of the energy
to do whatever you want to do.

Imagine yourself as you would like to be,
doing what you want to do,
and each day, take one step
towards your dream.

And though at times it may seem too
difficult to continue,
hold on to your dream.

One morning you will awake to find
that you are the person you dreamed of,
doing what you wanted to do,
simply because you had the courage
to believe in your potential
and to hold on to your dream.

~ Donna Levine ~

SteppingUp

Pixilation,

I feel for you and your situation. Yes you should be able to take a few hours for yourself and catch a movie. Unfortunately it seems to me like your H is threatened by this (you taking care of yourself).

I've read that our alcoholics will often start fights to engage us and keep us enmeshed in their disease. IMHO this may be something like that.

I agree with the previous posters that you can't leave your child alone with him but you shouldn't give in and isolate yourself either.

I don't know if you have any of these in your area but when my kids were little I used to take them to the drive-in movies. They would fall asleep on the way and then I would get to enjoy the movie.

Please take care of yourself and your little one.

Freedom1990

Good for you on having a plan in place! I found that once I started making decisions based on my own best interest (and the interest of my kids), things started to look brighter.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise! Take good care of yourself, and love on those kids.

CircleInTheSea

Hugs mama, I've been in that spot too. My AH worked overnights and would drink in the morning after work when he came home. He thought that since it was daylight, it was okay. More than once, I came home from work at lunch time to find him drunk in front of the computer or passed out on the floor. I am still embarrassed and ashamed that I ever accepted that type of behavior as normal/acceptable, but I can say with certainty that I no longer do, and that I no longer make excuses for it.

theuncertainty

Hugs, Pixilation. I know now it's impossible to safely leave DS with his active alcoholic father, even if he promised to be sober at the time. STBXAH rarely kept his promise to stay sober with DS. Oh, wait; he didn't say "I promise" so it didn't count and I shouldn't have made a big deal. I am so lucky that nothing ever happened to DS when he was with his alcoholic father. I would drop DS off with STBXAH, who would be sober at drop off; return to pick up DS and STBXAH would have 'had a few.' Not only would STBXAH be 3 sheets to the wind, but the other adults that he was hanging out with would be high/stoned/drunk - impaired in some manner.

When I brought it up and said I wasn't comfortable with what I walked in on, he would admit yeah, they'd been 'partying' but all of the kids were outside and didn't see it - won't happen next time. Riiiiight. They were at an apartment right off a major highway, so it wasn't really any better that the kids (all under 7 yo) were running wild outside without supervision. Gaaaah! It didn't happen again, but I suspect only because STBXAH asked that I start calling before I head over to pick up DS, even though the pick up time was always set at drop off. (i.e. Cheese-it, it's the nag, some one round up the kid and take him out to the curb so she doesn't see anything.)

Still, STBXAH says that his drinking never affected or endangered DS. Really? I mean, really?! Even without stunts like that, doesn't it affect a kid to find his dad passed out on the couch? To run out to the living room to play and come back into the bedroom frantic saying "Mommy, Daddy's sick like the fish!" God, I hope DS doesn't remember that, but s--t! I'd think that believing Daddy's gone belly-up like our beta did would kind of affect a child. Not to mention seeing Daddy: in drunken belligerence, inappropriately groping Mommy when Mommy said no, falling into the bath tub, peeing on the bed, peeing in the closet, peeing on the couch, unable to open his eyes, slurring his words, stumbling around the house trying to find the next of his hidden bottles... Ummm lets see, I'm sure there's more. But none of that affected our DS according to STBXAH.

Noday makes a really good point. Document, document, document. I wish I'd started it earlier. I'm so glad to hear you're starting to plan. Take care and be safe.

Wishing you peace and strength.

pixilation

SteppingUP, that is exactly what he does, pick fights when he's drunk just to "get" to me.

THIS is why I can't go to AlAnon meetings when he's home in the evenings, if I do, I'll come back to him at least buzzed.

suki44883

But going to al-anon will teach you how to not let that bother you. You will learn how to detach from his issues so that you can maintain your own well-being regardless of what he does.

pixilation

I know, but I can't trust him to actually care for the children while I'm gone. It's a minimum 2 hours I would be gone for a meeting. I'm going to try the daytime one with childcare again though, should be able to go on Monday.