Fundamental Shift
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Cary, NC
Posts: 715
Fundamental Shift
ESH –
A couple of months ago, a friend asked: How are you doing?
And I answered: Bad, actually. My job’s stressing me out, my family’s on my case, money is tight, this girl I’m interested in likes guys that are 6’2 and wear leather jackets…
He cut me off: No, man. How are you doing?
I looked at him a little funny then, like I knew he was trying to tell me something, show me some wisdom without hitting me over the head with a hammer, but it took me until now to really understand.
My recovery cannot be dependent on externals. When I initially quit drinking, I couldn’t even begin to understand this. Drinking was killing me. Outside, the wheels were starting to fall off. I had lost my job, made poor grades in school, and had trashed every relationship. Inside, my mind had descended into chaos—depression, anxiety, anger, apathy, confusion, sense of self / identity, morals…all these things ricocheted off each other, shifting with each drink. When I quit, I did so because drinking caused me pain. I wanted less pain, so I quit drinking. Simple enough.
I knew when I quit that my life would get better, and it did. Day after day, week after week, all that sober time and all that work and with tons of support from others, things got better.
But drinking had become my solution as well—the one-size-fits-all elixir that cured bad emotions, self-loathing, social ineptitude, lack of confidence, cowardice, and just about a thousand other things.
It had become my emotional bomb shelter.
On a very fundamental level, that’s why I drank so much, so often, and took to it so quickly. I never liked the messiness of life, of emotions, and when bad things happened I could so easily escape from them with a new bottle of this. It didn’t matter if I was alone at home. One drink, two drinks, and gone, just like that, away from all the swirling crap, which was how I viewed my life.
Even sober, I still fall into that trap of looking for external solutions to solve an internal problem. What will erase my pain—a new car, a new girl, a new job? No and never.
Sobriety’s more than just not drinking. It’s more than losing weight and having more money and not waking up wondering what the hell I’ve done the past night.
Today, more than ever, it’s about facing life without the bomb shelter. When things go bad, I can’t run anymore. I can’t hide, I can’t pretend the problems don’t exist. I have to face them, right here and right now, and that’s incredibly scary but incredibly liberating too, because without fear there is no courage and real courage can never be found in a bottle.
Make no mistake: Sobriety is amazing. But it’s not all peaches. And sometimes bad things happen for no good reason at all in a way that’s cruel and heart-wrenching, but that’s the way it is.
Nowhere to run and nowhere to hide.
The only thing left is to stand tall in the center of the storm and see what happens next.
Thanks for letting me share.
(And thanks for all the condolences a few days ago. I appreciate it.)
A couple of months ago, a friend asked: How are you doing?
And I answered: Bad, actually. My job’s stressing me out, my family’s on my case, money is tight, this girl I’m interested in likes guys that are 6’2 and wear leather jackets…
He cut me off: No, man. How are you doing?
I looked at him a little funny then, like I knew he was trying to tell me something, show me some wisdom without hitting me over the head with a hammer, but it took me until now to really understand.
My recovery cannot be dependent on externals. When I initially quit drinking, I couldn’t even begin to understand this. Drinking was killing me. Outside, the wheels were starting to fall off. I had lost my job, made poor grades in school, and had trashed every relationship. Inside, my mind had descended into chaos—depression, anxiety, anger, apathy, confusion, sense of self / identity, morals…all these things ricocheted off each other, shifting with each drink. When I quit, I did so because drinking caused me pain. I wanted less pain, so I quit drinking. Simple enough.
I knew when I quit that my life would get better, and it did. Day after day, week after week, all that sober time and all that work and with tons of support from others, things got better.
But drinking had become my solution as well—the one-size-fits-all elixir that cured bad emotions, self-loathing, social ineptitude, lack of confidence, cowardice, and just about a thousand other things.
It had become my emotional bomb shelter.
On a very fundamental level, that’s why I drank so much, so often, and took to it so quickly. I never liked the messiness of life, of emotions, and when bad things happened I could so easily escape from them with a new bottle of this. It didn’t matter if I was alone at home. One drink, two drinks, and gone, just like that, away from all the swirling crap, which was how I viewed my life.
Even sober, I still fall into that trap of looking for external solutions to solve an internal problem. What will erase my pain—a new car, a new girl, a new job? No and never.
Sobriety’s more than just not drinking. It’s more than losing weight and having more money and not waking up wondering what the hell I’ve done the past night.
Today, more than ever, it’s about facing life without the bomb shelter. When things go bad, I can’t run anymore. I can’t hide, I can’t pretend the problems don’t exist. I have to face them, right here and right now, and that’s incredibly scary but incredibly liberating too, because without fear there is no courage and real courage can never be found in a bottle.
Make no mistake: Sobriety is amazing. But it’s not all peaches. And sometimes bad things happen for no good reason at all in a way that’s cruel and heart-wrenching, but that’s the way it is.
Nowhere to run and nowhere to hide.
The only thing left is to stand tall in the center of the storm and see what happens next.
Thanks for letting me share.
(And thanks for all the condolences a few days ago. I appreciate it.)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 30
Thanks for posting...As I was reading that it felt like I was writing it...It really helps to hear that others are dealing with the exact same things that I am, and hearing others get through it is inspiring....
Dealing with day 1 again....hopefully for the last time....thanks....
Dealing with day 1 again....hopefully for the last time....thanks....
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Good post, Draciack!
Learning to 'be' was very hard for me because I had always tried to keep busy enough to avoid 'being'. When you can accept what IS, then you can begin to deal with what is happening in your life.
Learning to 'be' was very hard for me because I had always tried to keep busy enough to avoid 'being'. When you can accept what IS, then you can begin to deal with what is happening in your life.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Draciack - I felt like I was reading a few paragraphs of a great book. Seriously, you have a way with words! I hope things turn around for you soon (I'm in a stressful way these days as well). In the meantime, keep counting your blessings (sometimes it's just the little things....) I'm so proud of you!
Hugs!!
Hugs!!
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