crazybabie

Ah left here about a month ago going to get his clothes and move back in he never came back. I( have been allowing him to move in and for a year now.)

He called me last weekend asking if I wanted to go out somewhere with him I said yes (was not holding my breath) Of, course just as I already knew he never called.

He called this week On Tuesday and asked the same again I said yes again . However, I had no expecations that he will call back or even really go.

Today, he called me wanting to know what time a football game comes on Saturday and what channel. I let him know I wasn't home but I would look when I got here and let him know.

He calls later because I haven't called him yet and I told him when and what channel. He then tells me that we will probably go out saturday night because he gets off work earlier and that would give us more time.

Then he asked me have I been out with anyone. I replied that depends on your defination of going out. Have I kissed anyone NO, have I slept with anyone NO, have I been anywhere with anyone YES.

Now I have been in my head where I need to stay away from and told myself that I messed up and now he won't come Saturday. ( I figured already before this he likely won't)

I also told myself that I have runind any chance at ever getting with him again. ( Yes, I have considered maybe getting with him and using my tools to stay out of his choices)

In my head I must have ALOT of power to do that huh?

So, in reality I know Ihave done nothing wrong but I feel somehow like I have.

Anyone, else ever felt this way?

suki44883

I don't know why you are feeling guilty because you have absolutely no reason to. This guy doesn't deserve you. You deserve so much more than the crumbs he is tossing you. I hope you will learn how to detach from him. He's not worth it.

crazybabie

He just called back and asked how many times I have seen this guy and I told him twice. I had told him earlier about where the first time was and he hung up before I could tell him about the second time.

The second time was at the guys house where I watched a movie with him and his son.

He said oh alright and hung up on me.

WTH

suki44883

You don't owe him any explanations about anything. He'll only use the information against you in any way he can. What you do is none of his business.

Angelic17

Crazybabie, It sounds like he is trying to turn things around on you. Instead of answering his question, you should have asked him why he wants to know. He stands you up constantly. Hangs up on you, asks about your personal life, and then he abandons you. If I were you, I would move forward. Make a new life for yourself without him. Don't feel guilty. He is the one who left like a coward. Not you. You were willing to take him back, and he didn't show up. I bet he is the one sleeping with someone. You deserve better than that.

hello-kitty

Solution: stop answering the phone when he calls. I set my phone up so that my ex's calls went directly to voicemail. Then it became too annoying, so I changed my phone number.

The roller coaster stops when YOU get off it.

Time4Me1

It sounds like he doesn't want you bad enough to do what he has to do to be worthy of a healthy relationship with you, but he doesn't want any one else to have you either. He wants you pining for and waiting for him. He sounds pretty egotistical to me. Sounds familiar!!!!!!!!

Babyblue

Don't feel guilty. He stood you up and now this. If the tables were turned he'd probably say you'd be 'interrogating' him right? Hanging up is a very immature way to deal with things.

dollydo

Why are you doing this to yourself? You are inviting the pain into your life. I don't understand, he moved out, he left you, he is playing you, yet you keep wanting him back in, then when he doesn't show you feel guilty.

What about no contact? What you are doing and who you are doing it with is none of his business.

Only you can stop the rollercoaster that you keep riding on, jump off it, for you, for your sanity and well being.

I hate to see you in such pain and turmoil, you can start healing now, why not give it a try...go no contact...what have you got to lose? Certainly not him, he is already gone.

marteen

You don't owe him anything, let alone an explanation of what you are doing with your life!!!!! What's he doing with his life lately? Does he have any "real" explanations for that!!????

Do not try to do logic with an addict - it does NOT work and if they can get you to feel any guilt, they will play it like a fiddle. Don't fall for it and don't give him any ammunition to use in that manner. If he cared what you do and who you see, he'd be there for you and not use or manipulate.

Hugs,
Marteen

DaisyBuchanan

I don't understand what he wants from you. Why does he linger if he has nothing to offer you?

crazybabie

I guess I thought I owed him the truth because we are married. I really do not know why I feel that way. I do know I am addicted to him still he is my fix like the pills are his.

I do not know why I keep doing this and I am yet again considering letting him come back home. I am just going to keep working on me and see what happens.

I suppose like I have seen others, say here I will throw in the towel when I have had enough. I appreciate everyones words and I do listen to them. I have made small progress, since I came here small is in my book better than none.

My join date is 2007 that was because of our son. Then he started staying in jail so much that I stopped coming. Hubby has been gone a month so I am still trying to accept this, is the new him I suppose. (DENIAL)

Please keep reminding me of these things like you have been doing because your support here truely helps although at times my actions may not say so. I could not have made it through this last month without the wonderful people here at SR.

I have a long ways to go I know that but I am working a recovery program for me. I would not be doing that if not for the people here.

dollydo

I am a little confused, I thought you got your own apt a year ago, then you have let him move in and out...a month ago he left yet again...then a few weeks ago he was to go and get his stuff and move back in but never showed...is this correct? So, now you are considering letting him move back in, even though last time he never showed to move back in? Doesn't sound like he wants to move back in, are you trying to talk him into moving back with you? Therein lies my confusion.

Hopefully this will all work out for you!

Kindeyes

CB
It's so much easier for other people to tell you what to do than it is for you to actually do it. They may be right......but they are not feeling the emotions or have the ties to your AH that you do. You're right. When the thought of living without him is less painful than the thought of continuing on like this.....then you'll be ready to stop. But probably not a moment sooner.

The most important thing you can take from all of these replies is that we can all see what a really beautiful, kind, and loving person you are through your posts here on SR. Good, kind, loving people like you deserve to have good, kind, loving people as their partners.

Take care of you!

gentle hugs

crazybabie

Dollydo, A year ago is when he told me he was using. I moved out and in with my dad for awhile then with my brother until I got an apartment. I had the apartment for about two week and he moved in. I have allowed him to move in and out several times I have honestly lost count. He left I want too say a month ago I would have to look at my post be be definite about that that was to go and get his clothes and come back.
No I am not asking him to move back in I never have asked him too he calls me it seems when he is trying to dry out I don’t know if that is when he decides he wants to try and make the marriage work or what but each time he has came back was when he has been without pills for a few days. Maybe his guilt hits him then I have no clue.


Anvilhead, you are right I am caught up in the dance I do recognize that . I have been dancing with him since I was 15. I have found a local CODA meeting and I start going the Monday after Thanksgiving. I am reading Codependent no more and The Language of Letting Go.

Kindeyes, Thanks, I sometimes do believe I deserve better and other times do not believe that (childhood issues) I am working on that it is going to take me some time.

I know this will not stop overnight , I know I have to do the work to get well myself. I am so codependent that I use to could not decide what to unfreeze for dinner because I didn’t want my hubby or either of our three kids to be displeased.

I sometimes feel guilty for posting here because this, is my issue and I am taking peoples time when they read and respond.

tam

crazybabie, I walked in your shoes. I know how much you want to be with the true husband you were married too. I know the guilt, the sadness, the anger that your going through. I too tried everything to save our marriage, I too tried everything to get him sober. I wanted him home. But in time I realized that no, I didnt want him home, I couldnt live with his addiction.
maybe if I work through these feelings more and more each day I will see some light..and finally I now do. but it took time. I also would say I will date others. I too waited..and waited..and waited..I too waited for false promises.
it has now been almost 1 year for me, nothing has changed. I however have
changed, I have come to terms with what happened. I still have some days where I think what if, or I get sad, or angry, or whatever, but it has lessened
tremendously.
There will come a day when you will know what you have to do or what you will live with. You will make a decision, your on a fence right now and only you can make that decision, sometimes it takes getting burned a few times to get out of the fire and believe me I stayed in the fire or kept playing with the fire and you will either get on with your life or live with what your living me now, only you can make that decision. You are doing very well, your acknowledging many issues and getting support. It will get better.
It is a roller coaster ride, no doubt about it, but once you get further into your recovery the ride isnt as wild as it once was.

Chino

You have every reason to be proud of yourself for being so resourceful and wanting change. You went looking for guidance and you're willing to do the work

I bet that feeling will go away when you start spending more time actively working recovery.

hello-kitty

Great that you know this. So what are you doing about it right now? Planning to start attending meetings in 2 weeks is not going to fix anything right now. It's kind of like when an addict says he'll quit tomorrow...

Actions not words.

What action can you take today, to make your weekend a most wonderfully happy time for you and your kids?

Again, I suggest a moratorium on answering phone calls.

crazybabie

Right now I am posting here, attending alanon meetings and reading Two books The Language of letting Go and Codependent no more. The local CODA will not be having a meeting until the time I stated.

As, far as my kids they are grown and two of the three are addicts as well.
One of which has overdosed before and I performed CPR on him until help arrived.

I believe that reading and journaling for the weekend will benefit me.
That is a great way for me to cope and be working on my recovery.
Then when I need a break some me time theres always facebook.
Maybe a long bubble bath also I haven't done that in years.

Live

You can hang up the phone when he asks you those type of inflammatory questions, he is going to hang up on you and seems to be the way he wants to deal with it.

Posting here is good for you and everyone who reads learns.

I am rediscovering the bubble baths and pampering and loving it!