Time4Me1

My EXABF was arrested and put in jail and I thought it would be for a very long time. I just received a 6 page letter from him from jail and he said several times that he wouldn't be there for long, but didn't want to get into it in the letter. WTH...I didn't expect this out come at all! I have grieved and worked through allot of painful feelings, mostly guilt and the loss of the fantasy of the relationship when good. In the letter he reminisced about all the things we shared, all the good times, promises, ect. He professed his undying love for me and how I am the greatest women to ever walk the planet. He only asked how I was doing at the end of the letter in a single paragraph, almost as an after thought...like oh sh*@, I think Im supposed to acknowledge her feelings!!!! He also said that he hasn't used any drugs in a long time...... regardless of what anyone thinks. He was found in a crack house after missing for over two weeks. No apologies, no remorse only the same old words of adoration and wanting me to over look the "seemingly" bad things and stick by him as I promised(in the beginning) that I would. Before I had been lied to, betrayed and manipulated. Any way...if he does manage to get away with his crime, which blows my mind, now I am going to have live with the anxiety of him trying to contact me!!!!!!! Will this nightmare ever end??? And now I learned that my mother is going to outpatient for alcohol! I think I am never going to live a life of serenity!!!!!!!!!!!

steve1840

it certainly throws a wrentch into things when we start to move forward a little and then get hit with some sort of contact. it can set us back right ot the beginning. from what i have seen, adn i think there is a phrase for it, but when they are in jail they say things and act a certain way, but when they leave they pull away again.

those words are such easy bait ot lure us back into the fantasy of the relationship. all my alo has to dois open her mouth and i start gettting pulled in. no contact is hard, but contact is just as hard. i was riddled with anxiety of her contacting me the other day, so i know the feeling. and then i feel guilty for not wanting contact. but, maybe hte best thing to do is, as i have been advised, not answer the calls if you don't know the number.

Kindeyes

stacecakes
For whatever reason, we feel compelled to react in some way when the A contacts us. Sometimes doing nothing is the best thing for us. No reaction. No response. It's hard but it's possible.

And you can find serenity......but it takes some work. I have certain daily rituals that I have to do to start my day off in a serene manner......it sets the stage for the entire day.

gentle hugs

Chino

The anxiety will always be under the surface, until we learn to face our own demons. Serenity does not depend on others sobriety or jail, it depends on us actively pursuing it and establishing boundaries.

I can't remember if you've started your own recovery program?

keepinon

Well #1..I wouldn't beleive any of his jailhouse talk..including that he may be getting out soon..could be total BS...#2 your mom is seeking treatment?That is a great thing! If you are not working a program, maybe now would be a really good time to start.Most all rehabs urge family memebers to "work a parrallel program" which would be alanon.It will not only help your relationship with your mom,but will help you deal with this boyfriend as well.The program will help you find serenity in the midst of chaos.

wicked

Stacecakes,
You will live a life of serenity when other peoples actions do not affect how you feel.
What people say and what they do are two completely different things.
Find serenity in your own program, it is the only way.

Beth

myernie

You will find it with work!!! Sending you a PM.

Time4Me1

Thanks everyone! I shouldnt have opened the letters!!!!!!!! I wont any longer! You all are right, I have been focusing an getting over the sadness, but now that it is better I do need to start a prgram for myself. I keep thiking that simply ending the relationship is enough. But now that I am reminded of working my own program, I will!! Thanks, you are all great!!

wicked

stacecakes,
you are great.
i love your surrender flag smiley!

Babyblue

I feel for you. You sound like a caring and compassionate person. He knows that so he has latched onto you. For me serenity is about focusing on not just my own life but the life of those around me who are not in rehab. Those who can be there for me when I need them. Those are the people that are deserving of my time. Detaching is very very hard. Distraction really helps me as well. When I feel overwhelmed I try to go to nature or somewhere serene. Have you tried meditation? Deep breathing relaxation techniques really help clear your head when this stuff happens.

Hang in there, you are doing better than you think.

Time4Me1

Thanks Babyblue! I really am doing better this time around! I feel different than the other times I thought I was. I am really spending time alone with myself and getting used to it. I read, write, come here, spend time with the friends and family I put on the back burner for him of course (bad idea),or I simply lay here in silence and relish it!!! I have never, ever been alone and Ive been afraid of it. I always wanted it, but didnt...if you know what I mean. I was so devastated by my ex going to jail...but it really has been a blessing in disguise for me and now I dont want him to get out. I do...but I dont want him to harass me. My mind is for once clear and focused on me and I do not want him back in my life!! I am now preparing for the possibility of him being released and knowing he will come to my house. I have made the decision to not answer the door, or phone calls. If he ambushes me outside, I will walk into my house and lock the door and /or threaten to call the police. Plan made...feelings and anxiety released.....feeling better! Thanks every one!

DaisyBuchanan

That would be hard for anybody. It's tough when we care about somebody to have to detach and walk away. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. You will find serenity when you are able to get through this and let go. It may take months. I wish you hugs and positive energy.

If I had received a letter like that, I would've crumbled
Stay strong. It gets easier as time passes.

Time4Me1

If I have learned anything from this tragedy, it is that no contact and time alone is what is needed in order to get past a dysfunctional relationship. I have always tried to end it, but never could because I kept trying to discuss things with him and get him to "see the light". I kept believing that I was strong enough to have contact, but at a distance. Of course that never worked!!! I dont know if I would have been able to do it with out his going to jail....this is very, very disconcerting to me!!!!!!!!! I realize now how weak I am and know that I have to do what ever it takes to prevent myself from ever getting involved in this again.