AH tries to fix things by being nice. Can you relate?
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AH tries to fix things by being nice. Can you relate?
I just find this interesting. I've been on this board for a year now and have made huge strides in my life with AH and taking baby steps toward the life I should be living. So please don't ask me when I'm leaving - I am a work in progress.
I just want to talk about this latest development which almost makes me giggle. I was wondering if any other A's have done this.
AH has made interesting progress. Oh, he's still drinking the same amount - but seems to think that he can make things better by being nicer.
Hello? I always knew you were a nice guy. That's why I married you - and well, being nice is sort of expected. But you can't be nice, still drink like a fish every day, and then wonder why I'm not warming up to you.
So, it sure beats where we were a year ago with all the drunken drama - but the nice thing is a new tactic for him. Like he's thinking, if I'm super nice maybe they won't notice I'm still drinking and hiding empties in the garage!
It's interesting in a mixed up way.
I just want to talk about this latest development which almost makes me giggle. I was wondering if any other A's have done this.
AH has made interesting progress. Oh, he's still drinking the same amount - but seems to think that he can make things better by being nicer.
Hello? I always knew you were a nice guy. That's why I married you - and well, being nice is sort of expected. But you can't be nice, still drink like a fish every day, and then wonder why I'm not warming up to you.
So, it sure beats where we were a year ago with all the drunken drama - but the nice thing is a new tactic for him. Like he's thinking, if I'm super nice maybe they won't notice I'm still drinking and hiding empties in the garage!
It's interesting in a mixed up way.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: RI
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i so can relate to that! rubbing my feet, offering to get me something to drink, asking me constantly "can i get you anything?". and yes, i can relate to him hiding behind his sudden kindness and hiding empties in the garage. my god, is there a mold out there for these people because its sounds like they were all cut out of the same one!
i agree, the kindness is better than the drunken drama, but nauseating at the same time.
i agree, the kindness is better than the drunken drama, but nauseating at the same time.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
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Originally Posted by whereisthisgoin 
Like he's thinking, if I'm super nice maybe they won't notice I'm still drinking and hiding empties in the garage!
Give 'em the old razzle dazzle
Razzle Dazzle 'em
Give 'em an act with lots of flash in it
And the reaction will be passionate
Give 'em the old hocus pocus
Bead and feather 'em
How can they see with sequins in their eyes?
What if your hinges all are rusting?
What if, in fact, you're just disgusting?
Razzle dazzle 'em
And theyll never catch wise!
- Billy Flynn, CHICAGO
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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Maybe if he's nice to you long enough it will rub off on being nice to himself, and he'll decide to give up the bottle.
There might be some truth in that. People do drink out of some self-loathing.
I wonder if he would have a lightbulb moment if he keeps being nice to you--and you say to him at some point--You're being so nice, really wonderful to me. I hope one day you are the same way to yourself.
It's not a shove, it's not even a mild push. Just a wee suggestion for him, and something he can easily shrug off should he not want to go there in thought. Not even something he can get angry about...wait, that's me going too far. Anybody can get angry at anything. ha.
There might be some truth in that. People do drink out of some self-loathing.
I wonder if he would have a lightbulb moment if he keeps being nice to you--and you say to him at some point--You're being so nice, really wonderful to me. I hope one day you are the same way to yourself.
It's not a shove, it's not even a mild push. Just a wee suggestion for him, and something he can easily shrug off should he not want to go there in thought. Not even something he can get angry about...wait, that's me going too far. Anybody can get angry at anything. ha.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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I got that in large doses from my XABF. When I finally sought recovery It seemed like a veil lifted and I could see his behavior so clearly. Why didn't I see his shallow attempts to make nice before? The mind boggles.
When I told XABF that I figured out it wasn't actually the drinking that I objected to it was his abusive behavior. The verbal badgering and threats and the escalating physical threats. I didn't care if he drank anymore, I just wanted to be treated better by him. He held onto the fact that he only acted that way because he drank. Seems like a no-brainer to a sober person, but I told him that if he wanted to keep drinking and keep our relationship he would have to find a way to control his anger and change his behavior. I let him ponder that one.
He applied his "medicate the pain" logic and started using pot when he drank to mellow his mood so he would be less aggressive. NOW THAT'S NICE!
I'm not too drug savvy and it took me a good while to figure out what the weird smell was that followed him around, why he looked extra wasted, and why everything he said came out with this low chuckle to it. When I finally realized he was totally baked as well as being totally wasted, I saw it as just another attempt for a not-so-nice guy to appear like an oh-so-nice-boyfriend. Sad.
You're showing great detachment work here seeing the wizard of Oz behind the curtain act. Good for you!!!
Alice
When I told XABF that I figured out it wasn't actually the drinking that I objected to it was his abusive behavior. The verbal badgering and threats and the escalating physical threats. I didn't care if he drank anymore, I just wanted to be treated better by him. He held onto the fact that he only acted that way because he drank. Seems like a no-brainer to a sober person, but I told him that if he wanted to keep drinking and keep our relationship he would have to find a way to control his anger and change his behavior. I let him ponder that one.
He applied his "medicate the pain" logic and started using pot when he drank to mellow his mood so he would be less aggressive. NOW THAT'S NICE!
I'm not too drug savvy and it took me a good while to figure out what the weird smell was that followed him around, why he looked extra wasted, and why everything he said came out with this low chuckle to it. When I finally realized he was totally baked as well as being totally wasted, I saw it as just another attempt for a not-so-nice guy to appear like an oh-so-nice-boyfriend. Sad.
You're showing great detachment work here seeing the wizard of Oz behind the curtain act. Good for you!!!
Alice
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I can unfortunately relate to the nice gifts post...
Blackout and the gifts have now made me angry. He brought me red roses and a sentimental card. I was too angry to take the roses or the card. I am so done w/ these gifts!
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Thanks for the replies - it is always nice to feel that I'm not alone in this.
Here's the kicker. On the outside chance that I still manage to mention how much he needs help with his drinking (and I'm reeeeeally trying to stop that because it does nothing.ever.), he'll say, "But I'm getting better!!!" And I think he truly believes nicer=better. And then he's mad at me for not noting progress.
Silliness.
Here's the kicker. On the outside chance that I still manage to mention how much he needs help with his drinking (and I'm reeeeeally trying to stop that because it does nothing.ever.), he'll say, "But I'm getting better!!!" And I think he truly believes nicer=better. And then he's mad at me for not noting progress.
Silliness.
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Posts: 1,888
Here's the kicker. On the outside chance that I still manage to mention how much he needs help with his drinking (and I'm reeeeeally trying to stop that because it does nothing.ever.), he'll say, "But I'm getting better!!!" And I think he truly believes nicer=better. And then he's mad at me for not noting progress.
Isn't that just putting whipped cream on dog poo? Top it with sweetness all you like, honey, it's still dog poo.
I agree, Silliness!!
Alice
Isn't that just putting whipped cream on dog poo? Top it with sweetness all you like, honey, it's still dog poo.
I agree, Silliness!!
Alice
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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Originally Posted by whereisthisgoin
Here's the kicker. On the outside chance that I still manage to mention how much he needs help with his drinking (and I'm reeeeeally trying to stop that because it does nothing.ever.), he'll say, "But I'm getting better!!!" And I think he truly believes nicer=better. And then he's mad at me for not noting progress.
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I think my AH bases the success of things on whether we "play nice". If we don't fight, then its all good. It feels good to him. The content is less relevant. So, if he is playing nice, isn't that enough?? Talking about hard stuff makes him shut down and tired. He can't wait to get back to playing nice.
Nice is not enough for me.
Nice is not enough for me.
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Originally Posted by FindingPeace1
I think my AH bases the success of things on whether we "play nice". If we don't fight, then its all good. It feels good to him. The content is less relevant. So, if he is playing nice, isn't that enough?? Talking about hard stuff makes him shut down and tired. He can't wait to get back to playing nice.
Nice is not enough for me.
Nice is not enough for me.
He wants to be all happy this evening. If I dare bring up his drinking tonight, he will go bonkers. His usual reply, "Is that all you ever think about?"
Well, when I think about him, the answer to that is yes. I look at him and see a walking beer bottle. Truth is, I've really tried to stop thinking about him so much and start thinking about me.
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Originally Posted by SashaMB
Yes! My AH (now separated) ALWAYS wants due credit for his progress, whatever it may be. Yes, he is nicer sometimes. But it's hard to be jazzed about someone being nicer when it feels like he's doing it to make up for the drinking.
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Yes, while my AH was doing his annual training in July, he bought me my first birthday gift(from him) in, really I don't remember how many years. Actually something I like too, not jewelry or something else I'm not really interested in.
anyway, that month I also had no phone for 3 weeks of the month because he failed to pay the bill before he left, and the military took their time paying him, so I had very little money to live on that month. That was "his" way of appeasing me.
and yes, the few times he's gone dry, he's expected to cheer him on everyday.
anyway, that month I also had no phone for 3 weeks of the month because he failed to pay the bill before he left, and the military took their time paying him, so I had very little money to live on that month. That was "his" way of appeasing me.
and yes, the few times he's gone dry, he's expected to cheer him on everyday.
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Originally Posted by pixilation
and yes, the few times he's gone dry, he's expected to cheer him on everyday.
He is dumbfounded as to why I don't see that he's getting better, because, and he said this, "When's the last time you saw me have two sober days in the same week?".
Funny, I've had sober days all year and no one's throwing me a parade.
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Originally Posted by whereisthisgoin
Funny, I've had sober days all year and no one's throwing me a parade.
i will come from work and he'll be plastered. staggering, slurring his speech, repeating things 5 times over....(its so annoying) and when he sees how tiffed i am about it, he gets angry and points out how he mowed the lawn or did the dishes. "but i mowed the lawn and swept the floor today".... like his drinking should be some kind of a reward for doing a chore he should be doing anyway!!! (he's been laid off for over a year now and i go to work every day) its almost comical and i just have to laugh at it or i'll go crazy.
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this thread made me laugh.
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