so, what's with married guys (a relationship question)
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: littleton, Colorado
Posts: 146
so, what's with married guys (a relationship question)
You all know my story...been separated trying to get my divorce to go through with a very stubborn STBXRAH.
Here is my question, however...and I am ready to hear any and all comments; good, bad and downright ugly! I have many men I work and socialize with-but for many years (this last marriage had no impact on this) married men are absolutely drawn to me. I can count 5 right now...it frustrates me...I am very successful in what I do. My divorce attorney has even told me not to get married again (I am going for the boyfriend-for-life thing).
I told one of these "guys" last night that this just isn't a good idea (have not slept with him). He has been chasing me for the last 3 years (since I have separated-he has stepped it up). His wife? Active alcoholic in early stages of liver failure. We have a lot in common-and finally-someone who is comfortable with my success (he is very successful).
The stories go on and on...but my question is why are these guys so attracted to me...and will I ever get a "normal" "single" guy?? Thanks for listening!!
Here is my question, however...and I am ready to hear any and all comments; good, bad and downright ugly! I have many men I work and socialize with-but for many years (this last marriage had no impact on this) married men are absolutely drawn to me. I can count 5 right now...it frustrates me...I am very successful in what I do. My divorce attorney has even told me not to get married again (I am going for the boyfriend-for-life thing).
I told one of these "guys" last night that this just isn't a good idea (have not slept with him). He has been chasing me for the last 3 years (since I have separated-he has stepped it up). His wife? Active alcoholic in early stages of liver failure. We have a lot in common-and finally-someone who is comfortable with my success (he is very successful).
The stories go on and on...but my question is why are these guys so attracted to me...and will I ever get a "normal" "single" guy?? Thanks for listening!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
I have had many married men act 'attracted' to me. As soon as I get that vibe, I send a stronger vibe that I am not interested. It works for me. Friendship, fine. Professional relationship, fine. Anything else...back off. I want to say to each one of them, show some respect for your wife, why don't you? Show some self-respect, too, while you're at it.
So...my point is...you might ask yourself what message you're sending back to these guys. Are you reciprocating the attraction, or are you clearly letting them know you're not interested?
So...my point is...you might ask yourself what message you're sending back to these guys. Are you reciprocating the attraction, or are you clearly letting them know you're not interested?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Generally, when I know a guy is married and he's hitting on me, I make a point to ask a LOT of questions about his wife and kids...I ask to see pictures, I compliment him on how great a family they are together, blah blah blah. That usually seems to cool things down.
Of course, all those sideways and backwards tactics don't always work, so sometimes you just have to be blunt and say "sorry, not interested in married men".
Of course, all those sideways and backwards tactics don't always work, so sometimes you just have to be blunt and say "sorry, not interested in married men".
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
If a married man hits on another woman that speaks volumes about his character. Regardless of the circumstances it's a big red flag. If they'll do it with you they'll do it to you.
Once my neighbors wife hit on me. I asked how "blank" was doing? You know, your husband and my friend? She didn't want to talk about him. That was the last time I ever spoke to her.
Once my neighbors wife hit on me. I asked how "blank" was doing? You know, your husband and my friend? She didn't want to talk about him. That was the last time I ever spoke to her.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
In years past, I never understood why creeps would hit on me! Now, looking back, I can see there was a part of me that liked the attention.
As a married person, I don't care about other men and I haven't even noticed when someone is interested (there have been a few times people have mentioned that so and so likes me and I was surprised!).
I haven't had one inappropriate advance. But, if I did, I would cut it off right away. In fact, if it I was approached and felt it was inappropriate, why would I want to even be friends with that person? Inappropriate = my boundaries being dishonored. No thanks.
Check in with you and what you get out of it.
Hugs,
peace
As a married person, I don't care about other men and I haven't even noticed when someone is interested (there have been a few times people have mentioned that so and so likes me and I was surprised!).
I haven't had one inappropriate advance. But, if I did, I would cut it off right away. In fact, if it I was approached and felt it was inappropriate, why would I want to even be friends with that person? Inappropriate = my boundaries being dishonored. No thanks.
Check in with you and what you get out of it.
Hugs,
peace
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 344
Originally Posted by mermaidgirl 
You all know my story...been separated trying to get my divorce to go through with a very stubborn STBXRAH.
Here is my question, however...and I am ready to hear any and all comments; good, bad and downright ugly! I have many men I work and socialize with-but for many years (this last marriage had no impact on this) married men are absolutely drawn to me. I can count 5 right now...it frustrates me...I am very successful in what I do. My divorce attorney has even told me not to get married again (I am going for the boyfriend-for-life thing).
I told one of these "guys" last night that this just isn't a good idea (have not slept with him). He has been chasing me for the last 3 years (since I have separated-he has stepped it up). His wife? Active alcoholic in early stages of liver failure. We have a lot in common-and finally-someone who is comfortable with my success (he is very successful).
The stories go on and on...but my question is why are these guys so attracted to me...and will I ever get a "normal" "single" guy?? Thanks for listening!!
Here is my question, however...and I am ready to hear any and all comments; good, bad and downright ugly! I have many men I work and socialize with-but for many years (this last marriage had no impact on this) married men are absolutely drawn to me. I can count 5 right now...it frustrates me...I am very successful in what I do. My divorce attorney has even told me not to get married again (I am going for the boyfriend-for-life thing).
I told one of these "guys" last night that this just isn't a good idea (have not slept with him). He has been chasing me for the last 3 years (since I have separated-he has stepped it up). His wife? Active alcoholic in early stages of liver failure. We have a lot in common-and finally-someone who is comfortable with my success (he is very successful).
The stories go on and on...but my question is why are these guys so attracted to me...and will I ever get a "normal" "single" guy?? Thanks for listening!!
Look above at underlined and bolded.
How does a married man chase you for three years if you shut him down as soon as he starts, letting him know that it's a boundary you won't cross?
He would have given up if you were stern.
So you aren't stern...which means you are too much of a people pleaser? Too much of a nice girl? Too worried about hurting somebody's feelings? Don't want to be seen as agressively negative? Or just want everybody to like you?
Not accusing you of any of the above...more like ideas for you to ponder on the married men that are attracted to you relentlessly, it seems.
As for the single guys...not enough info on how you go about meeting them, putting the word out you are available to the right people, etc.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
it's just that A LOT of married/taken men cheat.
Here we go again.
Fact is a lot of married PEOPLE cheat.
Although I was cheated on.... yes by a cheating woman, I've never cheated, and I'm NOT a fisherman. But if I WERE a fisherman, I would only throw my bait out where it looked likely that I'd catch something.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Here we go again.
Fact is a lot of married PEOPLE cheat.Although I was cheated on.... yes by a cheating woman, I've never cheated, and I'm NOT a fisherman. But if I WERE a fisherman, I would only throw my bait out where it looked likely that I'd catch something.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
As a guy I'd say it's guys, not married guys...
In my view there are three kinds of guys and their marriage status is irrelevant.
The first is the guy who will cheat no matter what (35 percent of men in my non-scientific observations). He's always looking to score the next woman and he'll never change. That he is this way is always obvious to any thinking person who is actually paying attention. Women marrry him anyway because they think he will change for them, they love drama, he's rich, or they don't care.
The second is the guy who will never cheat (15 percent of men). He's not wired for it, he is loyal to a fault, and even when his wife is horrible he won't cheat. I'm this guy. I hate this guy. A lot of guys in Al-Anon are this guy. I want to be guy number three.
The third is the guy who won't cheat unless he isn't being fed by his woman
(50 percent of men). There are three main areas most men need fed, though not all men need all three. They are: food, sex, and ego.
Now, here's the kicker-- this isn't fair to women and there is no way to tell guy two from guy three.
Bottom line-- married dudes hitting on you are telling you everything you need to know about them regardless of where they fall on my list. There are good guys out there-- I know some of them. They don't typically cheat on their wives and hit on other women, especially not women with whom they work.
Good luck out there.
Cyranoak
The first is the guy who will cheat no matter what (35 percent of men in my non-scientific observations). He's always looking to score the next woman and he'll never change. That he is this way is always obvious to any thinking person who is actually paying attention. Women marrry him anyway because they think he will change for them, they love drama, he's rich, or they don't care.
The second is the guy who will never cheat (15 percent of men). He's not wired for it, he is loyal to a fault, and even when his wife is horrible he won't cheat. I'm this guy. I hate this guy. A lot of guys in Al-Anon are this guy. I want to be guy number three.
The third is the guy who won't cheat unless he isn't being fed by his woman
(50 percent of men). There are three main areas most men need fed, though not all men need all three. They are: food, sex, and ego.
Now, here's the kicker-- this isn't fair to women and there is no way to tell guy two from guy three.
Bottom line-- married dudes hitting on you are telling you everything you need to know about them regardless of where they fall on my list. There are good guys out there-- I know some of them. They don't typically cheat on their wives and hit on other women, especially not women with whom they work.
Good luck out there.
Cyranoak
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by nodaybut2day
Generally, when I know a guy is married and he's hitting on me, I make a point to ask a LOT of questions about his wife and kids...I ask to see pictures, I compliment him on how great a family they are together, blah blah blah. That usually seems to cool things down.
Of course, all those sideways and backwards tactics don't always work, so sometimes you just have to be blunt and say "sorry, not interested in married men".
Of course, all those sideways and backwards tactics don't always work, so sometimes you just have to be blunt and say "sorry, not interested in married men".
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
In my view there are three kinds of guys and their marriage status is irrelevant.
The first is the guy who will cheat no matter what (35 percent of men in my non-scientific observations). He's always looking to score the next woman and he'll never change. That he is this way is always obvious to any thinking person who is actually paying attention. Women marrry him anyway because they think he will change for them, they love drama, he's rich, or they don't care.
The second is the guy who will never cheat (15 percent of men). He's not wired for it, he is loyal to a fault, and even when his wife is horrible he won't cheat. I'm this guy. I hate this guy. A lot of guys in Al-Anon are this guy. I want to be guy number three.
The third is the guy who won't cheat unless he isn't being fed by his woman
(50 percent of men). There are three main areas most men need fed, though not all men need all three. They are: food, sex, and ego.
Now, here's the kicker-- this isn't fair to women and there is no way to tell guy two from guy three.
Bottom line-- married dudes hitting on you are telling you everything you need to know about them regardless of where they fall on my list. There are good guys out there-- I know some of them. They don't typically cheat on their wives and hit on other women, especially not women with whom they work.
Good luck out there.
Cyranoak
The first is the guy who will cheat no matter what (35 percent of men in my non-scientific observations). He's always looking to score the next woman and he'll never change. That he is this way is always obvious to any thinking person who is actually paying attention. Women marrry him anyway because they think he will change for them, they love drama, he's rich, or they don't care.
The second is the guy who will never cheat (15 percent of men). He's not wired for it, he is loyal to a fault, and even when his wife is horrible he won't cheat. I'm this guy. I hate this guy. A lot of guys in Al-Anon are this guy. I want to be guy number three.
The third is the guy who won't cheat unless he isn't being fed by his woman
(50 percent of men). There are three main areas most men need fed, though not all men need all three. They are: food, sex, and ego.
Now, here's the kicker-- this isn't fair to women and there is no way to tell guy two from guy three.
Bottom line-- married dudes hitting on you are telling you everything you need to know about them regardless of where they fall on my list. There are good guys out there-- I know some of them. They don't typically cheat on their wives and hit on other women, especially not women with whom they work.
Good luck out there.
Cyranoak
Don't hate guy #2.....he just deserves a good woman who sees how wonderful he is.
gentle hugs
PS.....we've been married for 25 years and we've had rough times--it hasn't always been perfect--but together we've ridden out those storms.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Well.....sorry about diverting from the original post there....before DH I also got hit on by married men.....it creeped me out. And in defense of the original poster, there are some men out there who cannot seem to take NO for an answer.....it seems to spur them on......they love the challenge. It drives them. Those are the REALLY creepy ones.
gentle hugs
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Originally Posted by Kindeyes
Well.....sorry about diverting from the original post there....before DH I also got hit on by married men.....it creeped me out. And in defense of the original poster, there are some men out there who cannot seem to take NO for an answer.....it seems to spur them on......they love the challenge. It drives them. Those are the REALLY creepy ones.
gentle hugs
gentle hugs
I could feel his creep factor, but felt frozen. I fell back into "play nice" (secretly feel uncomfortable because he can't stop staring at my boobs) and try to ease out of the situation.
Eventually he got obvious about his interest and I felt strong enough to go. I (fake) laughed and walked away.
That took me back to the old days, alright.
My point is, if it was with someone I worked with or saw regularly I would PUT A STOP TO IT just to protect my sanity.
peace
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: RI
Posts: 177
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
In my view there are three kinds of guys and their marriage status is irrelevant.
The first is the guy who will cheat no matter what (35 percent of men in my non-scientific observations). He's always looking to score the next woman and he'll never change. That he is this way is always obvious to any thinking person who is actually paying attention. Women marrry him anyway because they think he will change for them, they love drama, he's rich, or they don't care.
The second is the guy who will never cheat (15 percent of men). He's not wired for it, he is loyal to a fault, and even when his wife is horrible he won't cheat. I'm this guy. I hate this guy. A lot of guys in Al-Anon are this guy. I want to be guy number three.
The third is the guy who won't cheat unless he isn't being fed by his woman
(50 percent of men). There are three main areas most men need fed, though not all men need all three. They are: food, sex, and ego.
Now, here's the kicker-- this isn't fair to women and there is no way to tell guy two from guy three.
Bottom line-- married dudes hitting on you are telling you everything you need to know about them regardless of where they fall on my list. There are good guys out there-- I know some of them. They don't typically cheat on their wives and hit on other women, especially not women with whom they work.
Good luck out there.
Cyranoak
The first is the guy who will cheat no matter what (35 percent of men in my non-scientific observations). He's always looking to score the next woman and he'll never change. That he is this way is always obvious to any thinking person who is actually paying attention. Women marrry him anyway because they think he will change for them, they love drama, he's rich, or they don't care.
The second is the guy who will never cheat (15 percent of men). He's not wired for it, he is loyal to a fault, and even when his wife is horrible he won't cheat. I'm this guy. I hate this guy. A lot of guys in Al-Anon are this guy. I want to be guy number three.
The third is the guy who won't cheat unless he isn't being fed by his woman
(50 percent of men). There are three main areas most men need fed, though not all men need all three. They are: food, sex, and ego.
Now, here's the kicker-- this isn't fair to women and there is no way to tell guy two from guy three.
Bottom line-- married dudes hitting on you are telling you everything you need to know about them regardless of where they fall on my list. There are good guys out there-- I know some of them. They don't typically cheat on their wives and hit on other women, especially not women with whom they work.
Good luck out there.
Cyranoak
BTW Cryanoak, thanks for your honesty.....but don't hate yourself for being guy #2.... many women adore them........
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I should probably clarify...
...that guy number 3 comes in both high maintenance and low maintenance versions. It actually doesn't take much to keep many guy number threes happy. A meal now and then, sex now and then, and some kind of ego-boosting comment once or twice a month will do it. And it's not a one-way street, it goes both ways-- you know, people doing nice things for other people.
You'd be surprised at the power of, just once or twice a month, my wife calling me handsome, thanking me for cleaning the kitchen after she cooks which I always do anyway, complimenting me for being able to fix things, or thanking me for a job well done (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). Another thing she does I value highly is, when talking to her friends, she always talks me up. I wish I were half the guy she tells them I am.
Cyranoak
You'd be surprised at the power of, just once or twice a month, my wife calling me handsome, thanking me for cleaning the kitchen after she cooks which I always do anyway, complimenting me for being able to fix things, or thanking me for a job well done (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). Another thing she does I value highly is, when talking to her friends, she always talks me up. I wish I were half the guy she tells them I am.
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by breakingglass
i would be "girl" #2! loyal to those who don't always appreciate it.... giving, sharing and down right the biggest sap on the planet! which is why i love guy #2. i've been cheated on so many times before that i would never want to have to worry about whether or not i'm "feeding" my mate enough to keep him from cheating on me!
BTW Cryanoak, thanks for your honesty.....but don't hate yourself for being guy #2.... many women adore them........
BTW Cryanoak, thanks for your honesty.....but don't hate yourself for being guy #2.... many women adore them........
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