JW123

My previous thread - I am so confused - got me some really good advice. While my head listened - my heart felt opposite.

So - where am I today? I have called off the relationship, if you want to call it that and I am HURTING so badly. I love this man but I cant do this if he is not healthy and committed to a healthy relationship.

I guess what hurts too is that it has bought up feelings of worthlessness from my failed marriage and I am triggering back to when my ex husband walked out for his OW.

My BF did not really want to LISTEN to me. He was supposed to visit me last night but did not pitch. Today (I presume sober) he text messaged me light hearted stuff and when I did not respond - phoned. I would not take his call as I have user identity on my phone. He caught me by phoning from another phone. He actually had the nerve to ask if I was upset about his not coming over last night - said he needed an early night - what is 6.30 too late??? He started on about how he loves me deeply but does not want to get hurt again and wants to be sure how he feels - ALL I heard was him, him, and more him. He got cross when I tried to explain how I FEEL. Eventually he said - we need a break to see what we both want and that we will speak in 10 days time. I said fine and put the phone down.

I then text messaged him to say I cant do this anymore and that love should not hurt (a quote from someone here). If he cant be sober and in a committed relationship with me then I need to get off the roller coaster of intense emotions that I always feel. I mean I was living for the few highs and hated the many lows. That is not right.

So I am just sitting here crying while I type this. I was stupid enough to believe that he DID love me and knew how to treat "us".

Floss

Hi JW, I'm sorry you're hurting. You've made such a brave move to end things. It's interesting too that during your conversation with him, you noticed he didn't really listen to you, it was all about him and he got angry when you tried to explain how you felt. Some pretty big red flags there as you are no doubt aware. You're right, love should not hurt. And by the way, you're not stupid. He roped you in with the words of love and his actions displayed this sometimes and the opposite at other times. Sometimes it takes time to work out someone's true motives/character/values. You gave yourself time to see where the relationship may lead to and you discovered it wasn't going to give you what you need and deserve. That's clever! One day at a time JW...Hugs to you

dollydo

He sounds like a Quack-a-holic to me. Keep the no contact, go on with your life.

I am sorry that you are hurting, this too will pass!

naive

hi jw...

here's the translation of your boyfriend's words...

translation: hmmm. that light-hearted stuff always worked before with her....better track her down quick.

translation: she obviously doesn't want to speak to me. i will not respect her boundary, but will trick her and therefore, have MY needs filled immediately.

translation: why does she always make such a big deal out of nothing. i said i was coming over, i stood her up and now she's upset! she must be overly sensistive.

translation: she is starting to make an issue of my drinking. i will punish her and bring her back in line by withdrawing for awhile. that's my strategy and hey, now i can drink in peace and she will learn not to challenge my drinking. double winner!

translation: oh, here she goes on about her feelings. i don't care. i only care about my feelings. if i yell at her, she will learn not to bother me with such silly things.

translation: i am the boss. i decree a 10 day drinking holiday for myself. you have no input into this decree of mine. i will not query your input, we will not make this decision together. i have decided. you will not have the pleasure of my company for 10 days. that'll teach you.

Floss

Naive, that translation was amazing! You have a gift! Strangely, I could use or translation on this man for my ex. He does and says very similar things to JW's man... I hope this has been a light bulb moment for u JW as it has been for me!

Thumper

I know it is hard. Stick to your guns and no contact is a blessing. I highly encourage it.

Naive is awesome. I think she worked her translation powers for me once Powerful stuff. She needs her own forum !! lol

JW123

Wow thanks Naive. I am surrounded by a couple of very strong friend who are making sure I will not phone my BF. I am hurting. My heart is so sore. What I felt for him was REAL. Also the fact that he can instigate a breakup for 10 days when he apparently loves me so much is hard. He is out of town away at the moment and so THAT is why I really wanted to see him before he left - but was stood up. He is entertaining clients tonight so I suppose that will be a beer fuelled event. So what Naive says rings true. He now has "permission" to drink and not feel the "pressure of a relationship".

So I HAVE TO maintain NC for my peace of mind I guess. One thing is for sure, I could not have done this without this site and all of you who have taken time to help me really SEE what my heart did not.

JW123

Ok so now I am trying to 2nd guess everything. He has a friend who has told me that I am "too intense' in that I expect text messages or phone calls at least once during the day, that I expect him to call at night (he travels at least two weeks of the month), that I am "needy" in wanting his time.
I mean AM I NEEDY in wanting this? I dont understand this. Why has he not sat me down and told me that? Why has he not allowed me to explain that I feel this is normal in a relationship. I mean he contacts me a lot less than my exH used to do and I have got use to that.
It is normal for a BF to phone his GF during the day and touch sides and to make plans for evenings?
I am so confused. My heart is so broken.

JustBeaches4me

I think that's perfectly "normal". My XABF used to drive me crazy with what I felt was distancing himself by not texting, calling, etc., as much as I liked. And then when I expressed my feelings about that, he would increase the frequency for a few days, but then not really talk. It was like he was punishing me for "demanding" that he pay attention to me. He would just say something like, "Well I called, what else do you expect?". Ridiculous. How about acting like someone who cares...hello? Luckily, I have exes to think back on, who were interested in me and cared about my needs enough to call, etc., regularly...so I know it's not just a "guy thing" [to not call, etc]. And, who is this "friend" of his? Note...he is not your friend, is he? JMHO.

JW123

Thanks JustBeaches4me.
I met my xH at 19 and he was my first boyfriend (blush). Then I have been involved with ABF thereafter so I dont have exes to look back on at all. I think that might be why I tend to believe what ABF says to me. All I ever expected (and ABF used to do it when he was persuing me) was say a text message or two around midday asking about my day and yes, phone calls at night if he could not pop in or he had been too busy during that day. I am so hurt that he feels I am INTENSE over wanting this kind of treatment and is telling others I am TOO INTENSE. Just recently he started to criticize me a lot. I have maintened NC but had hoped he would have broken it by now so prove he is in love with me. HMMMMMM I so see the co dependent in me.

The friend is actually a mutual friend - a woman, who is now seemingly making excuses for his behaviour and saying maybe his drinking is because he is not over his ex wife and now has feelings for me. WTH? He is drinking because he is an ALCOHOLIC period. She feels that he needs space and time to deal with his issues. I say WHY NOW - why out of the blue and why now that he is actively drinking again does he get to rip my heart out and leave "to heal". Once healed does he get to come back again?

I think I need to type some of his previous texts on this thread so Naive can translate for me!

JustBeaches4me

I agree...I loved Naive's translations earlier!

I have been in your shoes many, many times. I just broke up with my XABF a few days ago, for possibly the millionth time. This time, though, there is no love left. I've spent 3 years trying to make things work...fighting over stuff like frequency of phone calls, etc. And, now I FINALLY realize that the unsolveable problem between us is, and always has been, that we disagree on the major issue of his drinking. He wants to drink and I don't want a partner who is an active alcoholic. I have been looking at exactly what I "love" or "loved" about him and can't come up with much, really.

Did I love the way he treated me? NO

Did I love the anxiety I felt most of the time? NO

Did I love the way we communicated? NO

etc, etc...basically, I want a equal, real partner who is there for me in all ways. Someone who is growing and working on themselves, because they want to. Because that's how they look at life also. I'm guessing you want more in a partner too, or you wouldn't be here posting. I am sorry you're hurting, but I think you can do better!!

JW123

I answered your quesitons the same way so WHY do I hanker after him? Why do I care so much? Why? Maybe because in a really ironic way - he is familiar???? Maybe because I want the best for him? Problem is he does not want that for me.

JustBeaches4me

There's probably a lot of reasons why we do...unresolved childhood stuff, we're people pleasers, we're nice/doormats, etc. It's going to take a while to figure it out, for me. But I have time. I'm not going to date for a while and just take some time to get myself back (but better).

And, I've found that having strong mentors to look at and think "what would they do?" helps me. As crazy as it sounds, I get some of that from watching shows on TV like the "Real Housewives of Atlanta/New Jersey/wherever...."...not sure if you get those shows in S. Africa, but there are some sassy women on there who would never put up with bad treatment...I love that and need to realize that it's ok to have it be all about me for once!! What happened to my sassiness?? That woman is in me somewhere!!

I also love the inspirational quotes on here too (I've been lurking on this site for awhile).

naive

hi jw-

when i went no contact, i found it helpful to go no contact with our common friends and also, his family...to have an xABF news blackout, essentially.

if someone told me something about him, i would say to them "please, i'm trying to get over him and don't tell me anything further about his activities"...

most people did not seem able to keep this clearly stated boundary and would continue to feed me information. i stopped speaking to them.

since i had changed my number, no one had my new phone number either. so that was very handy!

JW123

Ok so it has taken me all day to pluck up the courage to tell you all that I failed. Last night friends were talking about ABF and how he is "battling with divorce issues again", "feels I am too needy", "that I am so intense", "that he is under so much pressure" etc and they felt that I need to accept his behavour for what it is and to understand that is him and he is hurting at the moment. SO.........I felt like such a horrible GF for giving him stick via text and calling it off (he has never responded) and sent him a text apologising for my behaviour and saying that I am intense given the circumstances and I am sorry. Well that was about 10 hours ago. I have had NOTHING IN RESPONSE.

I must say two things have hit me:

1. He is my drug - could I be addicted to him? If I cant get my fix then I get really down until I get my fix again?
2. That I could not have been so important that he has not even responded.

So now I sit here - desperately reading threads on this site just trying to "come right" myself. I dont understand WHAT the pull is that he has on me?

JustBeaches4me

JW,

Don't be hard on yourself. I think you said it all in your first post...this may be triggering stuff from your first marriage. That experience, and now this experience...it's only natural for some of us, myself included, to want to make things work despite it all. That said, knowing my triggers and actually working on correcting my responses are two different things, and I struggle with that also.

Frankly, the guy doesn't sound right to me...unless he's in a hospital comotose or something. My advice, though it can be hard, is to move on and find your happiness elsewhere...this guy isn't doing much for you or your self-esteem, regardless of the alcohol issue. As others have said here, "love shouldn't hurt" and "this too shall pass"! Oldies, but goodies!!

naive

hiya jw-

please don't hesitate to share what's going on...believe me, we've all done the same thing!

so, nothing in response. how thoughtful of him! sounds like passive-aggressive mind games to me.

with alcoholics, it's oftentimes the poor me. they are quite self-absorbed and mine couldn't really see past his drink-induced life troubles to see that his actions hurt my feelings a lot.

it's like a bottomless pitt of suffering with them. so, he's feeling sorry for himself that his drinking ruined his marriage while still drinking.

you know, jw, i wouldn't take any of this personally. this is just par for the course with alcoholics. if it wasn't his divorce, it would be that he's misunderstood. if it wasn't that, it would be that life is unfair. if it wasn't that, it would be that his boss is unreasonable....

alcoholics will find any excuse under the sun EXCEPT their drinking. and we are to not have any needs ourself as we comfort them while dancing around the elephant in the room.

why don't you get yourself a nice man who doesn't think you're needy but thinks you're fantastic! and by the way, a text a day from my lover is reasonable and not needy at all.

naive