Is it possible to feel a 'spark' with a 'nice' man?

Old 11-17-2010, 12:23 AM
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Is it possible to feel a 'spark' with a 'nice' man?

Hello to all my SR friends. I was amazed to come home and find hmbld's thread on relationships after the aftermath because I was going to ask a similar type of question. I've always been attracted to the 'bad boys'. I'm sure you know the type I mean. Anyway, I met a 'nice' man about 6 months after the break-up from my exADFH (we've been separated 15 months now). I told him I wasn't ready for any type of serious relationship but I tried to give it a go and I ended things completely a few months later after looking and finding some red flags. He had lied and I caught him out a few times. After that he seemed super honest trying to make up for it I think. He is also a full-blown codie (even more than me! Funny seeing a reflection of yourself in someone else). He has kept some contact with me, texting sometimes and rare phone calls. He lives a fair way away from me and the distance is good. Today, I met him for coffee. I was so reluctant to meet him. In fact I felt sick in my guts (a sign perhaps?). I was, however, comfortable around him and he gave me a bunch of flowers, paid for coffees and lunch and gave me a hug saying he'd like to see me again. The problem is I don't feel a physical connection to him, if you know what I mean? He's pleasant looking, but totally not the wildly, rugged type of man I'm attracted to. When I'm around him, it feels like a comfy old slipper type of feeling. I also know I'm soooo not ready for any type of relationship but, on the way home, some questions formed in my mind, like....has anyone here EVER felt a 'spark' with a 'nice' man? Is it possible to have a 'spark' with a nice man, or will it always feel like a nice, comfy, somewhat boring type of feeling? Lol....I honestly feel if I got involved with this man that I'd be looking around for someone else I'd feel more attraction towards. Do I not feel attraction for him because I'm sensing neediness in him? Or do I just have so much more work to do on myself because I'm seriously not right in the head? One on my friends said she gets the feeling he's 'grooming' me. Being Mr Niceguy, Mr Patient, Mr Smooth, Mr Say all the right things. Other friends say "He's so nice, but maybe not your type"... Anyway, your perspective on this would be much appreciated! Thanks.
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Old 11-17-2010, 12:44 AM
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I just looked up 'grooming' on the internet and saw that it usually means sick behaviour directed towards minors, not adults. I tried to edit the word out of my post but I wasn't able to for some reason even though I've edited before. I apologise in advance for the use of that word....I think what my friend was meaning is she thinks he's trying to reel me in and get me to trust him and then his true motives will be revealed....
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Old 11-17-2010, 05:46 AM
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Ok, first of all, yes, IMO it is possible to feel a spark towards a "nice" guy. I'm with one right now. He's very different from all my previous partners in that he's not a bad boy. He's a family oriented, driven, financially responsible, sensitive, communicative and easy-going guy. Not one bit like the thunderstorms I'm used to dating...And yet, there was a definite spark between us...there had been for over a decade but I was too busy trying to find my "bad boy" to give him a chance.

As for your situation, I wouldn't say that your man is "Mr. Nice Guy". He seems like he's Mr. Deceptive, in that he lied to you, and now he's trying to make up for things. That does not speak of having strong moral fiber (to me anyway).

Listen to your gut. You've already posted that you don't feel ready for anything. Go with that. I did go through a period of wanting nothing from no one. I threw myself into my hobby (tango) and went out on 1 date with a random guy, and it went absolutely nowhere. I was thrilled. A date without strings. Wonderful. I had lots of coffee dates with girlfriends, a couple of manicures, shopping trips with mom, cool and new activities with my baby girl, read a bunch of novels and slept a lot. Plan stuff like that out for yourself and enjoy!

Mr. Pretending To Be A Nice Guy can go find himself someone else to fool.
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Old 11-17-2010, 06:34 AM
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Hmm...ask yourself, since I'm not sure of course...but are your boundaries firmly established?
Bad boys won't get anywhere with you if they are firm and secure. There won't be any worries about what's to come later, because you'll see any red flags at the beginning, when you should.
That you ask the question makes me wonder, because you wouldn't need to ask it if they were?
How would you put into words this "not ready" yet? What does that mean when you break it down and put it in concrete words? A question I have been answering in my own mind. If I can't say exactly what it means, then I'm clueless, vulnerable, and a potential train wreck all over again.
There are attractive men everywhere...good boys, bad boys, and everything inbetween.
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Old 11-17-2010, 07:02 AM
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I don't know. I'm not dating or even looking to date right now. In hindsight I think I didn't so much follow 'sparks' as follow the men I felt comfortable with - which was people more messed up then I was. I was incredibly uncomfortable with the few 'healthy' men that showed any interested - which said something about me, not them. I also didn't choose people - I simply let them choose me and didn't make any discrimination about what was good for me, or what I wanted/needed. People here talk about lists. My list looked sort of like this "Does he pick me?" End of list.

However - you seem to have a gut feeling. I had a gut feeling with my xah and I totally ignored it. I call that feeling an inner voice and I could no longer even find mine. My vow is to always search for and respect that voice in the future.
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Old 11-17-2010, 07:07 AM
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I know what you mean here...and it's funny, I was going to post something right after I finish this post along the same thing-dating after being in a horribly dysfunctional marriage.

Here is my .2 cents...good boy or bad boy...if there is no spark and you are forcingyourself to like this guy...then it probably will only be a good friend, if that. I have tried to play logic with myself before ("he's such a nice guy", " he has everything right about him"), but if there isn't a connection-you just can't force it or fake it. In the long run, you may resent him and your decision because he will never turn out to be what you want him to be.
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Old 11-17-2010, 08:55 AM
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Here's the thing--just because someone WANTS your time and company doesn't mean they GET TO HAVE IT. If you aren't feeling it, for whatever reason, then it's okay to say "no thanks!"
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Old 11-17-2010, 08:56 AM
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The spark is where the trouble starts...

...and for me equates to the "first drink" for an alcoholic. It's the first drink that makes you drunk, not the last one. When I feel that spark it's time for me to take a look at myself and my motivations relative to a particular person. For me, the spark is part of my disease of codependency and my addiction to drama.

I used to look for the spark like a heroin addict looks for heroin. Now I don't look for it at all.

As for the dude you are describing, his behavior is exactly what I used to do when trying to get a woman to like me. I thought of it as romance, but what I was actually doing was grooming those women to like me. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't, but that was always what I was doing. Never uninvited, mind you, I understood and understand what "no" means, but if they left the door open even a crack I interpreted that as interest in me, subconsciously and romantically-- even when they unloaded that bullsh*t "you're like a brother or really good friend" line on me (another post altogether, and probably not appropriate for this forum). Here's an idea-- tell me you aren't interested in me romantically so I can stop deluding myself that you just don't know how much you like me yet, and so I can stop trying to "help" you understand that.

I've spent, and continue to spend, a good amount of my life clueless about womankind (the single most powerful force on the earth, and that which cannot be understood). I now depend completely on my wife being honest with me and, if she is not, she is complicit in the outcome.

Take what you want and leave the rest...

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Old 11-17-2010, 09:02 AM
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For me, the spark is part of my disease of codependency and my addiction to drama.
Agreed. Yep.

I always felt they just didn't know how much they liked me yet, so it was my job to help them understand.
double yep. you just don't know me yet. oh my goodness.
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Old 11-17-2010, 09:23 AM
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Is it possible to feel a spark with a nice man? Good question!

I didn't feel a "spark" with my DH on our first (blind) date. He was very nice, took me to a lovely restaurant, had a great job, drove a nice car, seemed honest, was talkative and intelligent. Does it get any better than that? But no "spark".

We had one date.....and then I moved 3,000 miles away and we didn't talk for a couple of months. Through a series of strange events we got in contact again and talked on the phone for a few months (almost daily) and became friends. He sent me a plane ticket (another nice gesture) and I came out to visit him. I knew I liked him (a lot) but because we had become friends, I was concerned that kissing him was going to be like kissing my brother (eeew). Needless to say, it wasn't......and THAT's when I felt the spark. Whoa.....did I feel the spark!

After my week long visit, he took me to the airport to send me back to my home 3,000 miles away and as we were parting he said "When are you going to come back here and marry me." My reply "Give me 30 days." 30 days later he flew out, packed all my stuff up in a box truck and drove me back to the West Coast. Three months later.....we got married.

That was 25 years ago. I love him more today than I did the day I married him. He is a good, solid, honest man with great integrity. He works harder than anyone I have ever met and he loves me.....of that I have no doubt.

So......sometimes......when you don't feel that "spark" on the first date or initially with a nice guy......give him a chance. In the long run, they are a much better emotional investment than the "bad boys".

gentle hugs
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Old 11-17-2010, 02:05 PM
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You can feel a spark with a nice man of course! And guess what, there are bad boys out there without drinking/drugging issues! Imagine that The best kind for me or the combo bad boy underneath good boy exterior.

It is either there or it ain't there and their lifestyle, choice in music or clothing has nothing to do with it for me. It is about having things in common to talk about, and chemistry. I won't bother if there is no chemistry or if I have to 'work on' making chemistry. Life is too short and I'm not getting any younger! I married the nice guy and as much as I loved him, something throughout was missing. I knew this but thought it would appear. Never did.

But we all have different needs in partners and relationships. I am very independent and I bore easily. ha.
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Old 11-17-2010, 02:41 PM
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Go with your gut. He's not the one for you. I almost talked myself into dating a dear friend of mine because he was just a super nice guy. On paper we'd have made a great couple. Both single parents, our kids are the same age and get along great. I just didn't have any romantic type feelings towards him. I'm glad that I didn't try and force myself into a relationship with him because if I had, it would have never worked and we would not have the friendship we have now. I call him my surrogate husband. He does a lot of stuff that husbands are supposed to do, we just don't have a romantic relationship. He baked me a cake and smoked me a turkey on my birthday. He also bought me metamucil, corn pads, and wrinkle cream. lol I drag him shoe shopping with me and he always grumbles like a husband. He says "I can't believe I am shoe shopping with a woman I'm not having sex with, you know that is wrong right? It goes against the man code."

So maybe keep the guy as a friend? But it sounds like he won't really be happy with just that.
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Old 11-17-2010, 02:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes View Post
We had one date.....and then I moved 3,000 miles away and we didn't talk for a couple of months. Through a series of strange events we got in contact again and talked on the phone for a few months (almost daily) and became friends. He sent me a plane ticket (another nice gesture) and I came out to visit him. I knew I liked him (a lot) but because we had become friends, I was concerned that kissing him was going to be like kissing my brother (eeew). Needless to say, it wasn't......and THAT's when I felt the spark. Whoa.....did I feel the spark!

After my week long visit, he took me to the airport to send me back to my home 3,000 miles away and as we were parting he said "When are you going to come back here and marry me." My reply "Give me 30 days." 30 days later he flew out, packed all my stuff up in a box truck and drove me back to the West Coast. Three months later.....we got married.
I love this story!
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Old 11-17-2010, 02:51 PM
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Thanks for your replies! NoDay, well, it seems there's hope for us all! And I'm happy to hear you've found a great guy. I'm definately listening to my gut. He's lied and I don't like liars. He's also a cheater (cheated on his wife several times...this came out when he was trying to be super honest after deception!) Mr Deceptive, yes, he is. And I am doing exactly what you did. I'm having time with my girlfriends (when I'm not looking after my five kids, lol), and speaking of that, I don't have the time or energy for crap. I'd rather spend my free time on here, going for a walk, having lunch with the girls than spending time with a man I'm unable to trust.

Brokenheart, my boundaries were so not established when I attracted the 'bad boys'. I was like a magnet to them, ignoring all red flags! Looking back, was I daft? Anyway, I don't magically trust anyone now. Yay! Okay, the I'm not ready yet. Firstly that means, I'd rather be on my own than in a relationship with an A**hole. Secondly, I'm taking the time to get to know me, I'm in Discovery (sorta like recovery but because I never knew who I was, I'm only starting to discover). Thirdly, I'm enjoying not having to cook the big man meals every night, lol. Fourthly, I don't have the time, energy or inclination for another relationship. Fifthly, I don't want to go back (attracting another bad boy into my radar) and i don't know how to move forward (switching my antenna to be able to recognise a nice man), so, I'm sorta happy where I am right now. Just accepting where I am I suppose instead of frantically trying to 'change' something...

Thanks Thumper, I totally get the "did he pick me" thing. I was only talking to my daughter about that last night about how we don't have to be with anyone just because they like us. We do have a choice. MermaidGirl, I agree, no spark and it's not right if I have to force myself to be with him! Paintbaby, that's true and spending time with someone just because they want to can escalate to a full blown relationship if we don't know how to say no or we're just going along with it because we don't want to hurt their feelings...

Cyranoak, wow, the spark/first drink...I see the correlation! That's scary hey? Thanks for being so honest about your past experiences with women...the grooming thing. I've definately left the door open a crack and I've said all that to him, you're not my type, I don't have those feelings for you, I don't want a relationship, you'll find someone else who feels the same way you do for them, I'm still in love with my ex, and yes, I've even said to him eew, it would be like being with my brother. I've also told him I can't be with someone who lies, could you be only pursuing me because I'm not available, blah blah blah. What I really need to say is "please don't contact me again". I haven't done that yet because I was hoping he'd have replaced me by now (the easy way out!) and I haven't wanted to hurt his feelings (codie alert). I believe he really is deluded...it's a bit scary. Oh, there's also one other reason I haven't bolted the door, and this might sound strange considering he's only ever been a gentleman with me (minus the lying and grooming) and his kids seem to like/love him. He has 6 different types of firearms (he has a license for some, others are illegal) and having personal firearms in this country is not as common as in the US and he has a lot of different kinds of knives (he collects them and he used to do taxidermy as a hobby too!). When he commented on the abuse I've been exposed to by my ex, I said to him (because in his honesty blab, he told me he'd trapped a cat and deliberately drowned it in cold blood) "You're the type of guy you hear about in the news..."he was such a nice man, smiling all the time, so helpful, such a good dad. I can't believe he was a serial killer". His reply was, laughing, "you're probably right!" So, maybe I'm being paranoid, but I'd rather he find someone else to replace the delusional relationship he has with me so I don't have to bolt the door!

Kindeyes, yes, another good relationship, that's good to hear and congratulations on 25 years! I will definately give a nice man a go in the future as maybe I'll find that spark with one. Not so sure about this one though, lol....

Anvil, I've always felt comfortable around the man I was talking about. Actually, I wasn't when he brought up sex. I felt like running! So, I think that's a sign....However, I've felt comfortable to be honest with him and that's good and I haven't felt attacked when I've expressed my feelings. That's good too.....

Thanks again everyone....
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Old 11-17-2010, 03:52 PM
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Hi Floss.
Something feels 'forced' about him. I agree all the other options, kids, anything you may want to do alone, your girlfriends and family, etc are way better options than spending time with someone toxic. You said

I don't have the time or energy for crap

I agree. That is why I got a backwards clock (a mock "death clock")
According to it I am leaving the planet in 2020 sometimes we think we are going to be around a lot of time but we don't know. Perhaps as I was involved in a car accident recently, I recall screaming when the truck was hitting me and I was SURE I was going to lose mobility on my left limbs, or perhaps mobility altogether, or something worse was going to happen. That kind of got me in that same attitude of yours, to make every day count, to really give my best, and to hang out with people that improve on my solitude only. My life has been way better this way.

noday thanks for the hope. I have the same question. Now I am learning males can be FRIENDS, too. Perhaps after YEARS of friendship someone special comes up. No longer hanging to that. After so much pain I am no longer setting myself up for bad 'surprises'... also I am learning to be humble and really listen to the ones that love me... they see things sometimes one is "too close" to see.
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Old 11-17-2010, 03:57 PM
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BabyBlue....thanks. I can relate to what you're saying. I thought if I waited, I'd find the chemistry. I'm glad I stopped waiting. I'm also very independent. I suppose I've had to be..no-one but me and my HP to rely upon. Thanks Hmbld, I'll go with my gut. The 'nice man' said he could offer just a friendship, but it's apparent he wants more that I do. Your guy friend sounds awesome! I love that he goes shopping with you and grumbles. You sound good for each other in a Clayton's husband and wife kind of way....(Claytons is a non alcoholic drink and there used to be an ad over here and it said "Clayton's the drink you're having when you're not having a drink". Now everyone over here calls things Clayton. The Clayton's hubby, the Clayton's boyfriend, the Clayton's wife, the Clayton's best friend, the Clayton's sister etc etc...lol....
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Old 11-17-2010, 04:15 PM
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He has 6 different types of firearms (he has a license for some, others are illegal) and having personal firearms in this country is not as common as in the US and he has a lot of different kinds of knives (he collects them and he used to do taxidermy as a hobby too!). When he commented on the abuse I've been exposed to by my ex, I said to him (because in his honesty blab, he told me he'd trapped a cat and deliberately drowned it in cold blood) "You're the type of guy you hear about in the news..."he was such a nice man, smiling all the time, so helpful, such a good dad. I can't believe he was a serial killer". His reply was, laughing, "you're probably right!" So, maybe I'm being paranoid, but I'd rather he find someone else to replace the delusional relationship he has with me so I don't have to bolt the door!
Uh Floss, please find a way to never speak to him again.
This is scary.
Geez, if he is a middle aged, non descript white man, he fits the FBI profile for serial killers! (Yeah, I have morbid interests)

The weapons, alone, maybe no problem, some illegal, yeah a little more icky, drowning a cat for something to do, makes me wonder what he hasn't admitted to you.
And, he is trying to impress you. wow.
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Old 11-17-2010, 04:25 PM
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Oh my, I hadn't read that.
I hope you can start disengaging Floss
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Old 11-17-2010, 04:36 PM
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he told me he'd trapped a cat and deliberately drowned it in cold blood

Sparks with a nice man -- yes, they are possible.

This man is not a nice man.
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Old 11-17-2010, 04:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Floss View Post
....has anyone here EVER felt a 'spark' with a 'nice' man? Is it possible to have a 'spark' with a nice man, or will it always feel like a nice, comfy, somewhat boring type of feeling? Lol....I honestly feel if I got involved with this man that I'd be looking around for someone else I'd feel more attraction towards. Do I not feel attraction for him because I'm sensing neediness in him? Or do I just have so much more work to do on myself because I'm seriously not right in the head? One on my friends said she gets the feeling he's 'grooming' me. Being Mr Niceguy, Mr Patient, Mr Smooth, Mr Say all the right things.
This is my experience.

My first husband was an army ranger, 2 tours of duty in Vietnam, 2 purple hearts, pathfinder, sniper, very good looking, dynamic. We did well for about 8 years, then the drinking kicked in and took him down and our lives became hell, chaos, drama, etc, etc, etc... You all know the routine.

I wanted nothing so much as peace and quiet, stability, NO DRAMA. We split in 1997 (Halloween, as a matter of fact). In 2002, I made acquaintance with a purchasing manager who had recently divorced from a legitimately crazy wife (either schizophrenia, or bi polar, or something horrible where for the last decade or so she spends most of her life in psychosis wandering the streets homeless, interspersed with brief periods of being Baker Acted). He had custody of two small children, and I had 3 kids older.

He wasn't good looking, in his mid forties he had jowls like a 65 year old, he had a face full of acne scars, a swollen nose, grey teeth (from tetracycline as a teen), etc... But he was nice, polite, good humored, laid back, a family man, stable, sensible, competent and no drama. There was nothing particularly interesting about his life, except maybe that he had been married to a crazy woman, and his experiences with her were quiet similar to my experiences with my XAH.

I enjoyed his company, we talked a lot, I appreciated his consideration and stability, and over time a spark grew. We lived together for a year and married. And within four days of the wedding, I wanted a divorce.

We got married on a cruise and about 18 members of our families were with us, including his brother and mother. And the problems started right away. He spent his days with his brother and mother, excluding me, told me "I get to see you all the time, I hardly get to see them", mommy wanted to have him at cocktails without me, so he LIED to me and said he wasn't going to go to pre dinner cocktails (because I'd said if he goes, I'd like to as well), and then when I realized he took his mommy instead of me, I arranged the next night that we'd meet in the cabin at 5:00 and go to pre dinner cocktails together. He stood me up. One night we went dancing and he started dancing with a strange woman, leaving me alone at the table. He did dance after dance (he said it was her birthday--but hey, it was our HONEY EFFING MOON!!!).

Mommy had played lots of games prior to the wedding (I don't feel welcomed, I'm not going on the wedding cruise. Ha, ha, just joking, of course I'm going. I don't think I should go, you have to promise to spend time alone with me or I won't go. Oh, I'd never miss your wedding. Maybe she shouldn't go, she didn't think she'd have any fun. Ugh...). XAH was torn about her pre wedding games and lots of phone calls went to her to beg her. I told him this wedding was about us, not her, and we discussed it. He was worried she'd ruin the honeymoon, and I thought he was probably right, but figured, that was her problem not ours. He said I could just avoid her and if she acted up I would just say nothing, but he said I could 'blast' her on the last night of the cruise if she was unbearable, but he'd appreciated if I'd just put up with her in the meantime. I said I intended to stay away from her. And that was our agreement.

However, on the cruise, mommy whined that I was being 'cold' to her, I wasn't paying enough attention to her, sob sob, and she martyred herself and complained to his brother, who had 'talks' with XAH, and then sent XAH to get me straightened out. XAH would meet me in the cabin and complain that mommy felt bad, her feelings were hurt, and EVERYONE agreed that I was avoiding her and being cold to her. He badgered me, ignored me, when he was with me he fretted about mommy (we walked to the Hemingway house on key west, and he was sullen because mommy wanted to come too--this was the only time I did anything alone with her).

Mommy was also having trouble with her grandchildren (they won't listen to meeeeeee) and bossed my children around. On the last day she was told to leave my kids alone. So what did she do? As soon as the first opportunity came, she made my kids babysit her grandchildren (something she'd been told SPECIFICALLY not to do anymore). I didn't blast her, but did yell at her just to LEAVE MY KIDS ALONE. Mommy was very upset and a neurotic mess and his brother overheard and they both ran to XAH to whine about how mean I was to mommy and instead of telling them that she had disregarded specific instructions regarding MY kids, and confessing that he had suggested I stay away from her and put up with her until the last night when I could 'blast' her, he joined in with them criticizing me.

We were planning to watch a magic show. He would barely talk to me, I didn't want to sit with his family--they were hostile and I was sick of them; they'd ruined my honeymoon. He didn't want to sit with my family because it wouldn't be fair. So I suggested we just sit alone together after all, IT WAS OUR HONEYMOON AND WE'D SPENT ALMOST NO TIME TOGETHER. He said, "If I sit with you my famiy will be upset." And he bought me a coke and ran out of the theater. His brother saw him and sprinted out after him.

I watched the magic show with tears running down my face. After it ended I went over to my sons' cabin to settle them in for the night before hunting down my 'husband' and figuring out how to solve this horrible problem. My kids' cabin was next to mommy's cabin and when I got there I saw a dress hanging there that mommy had forgotten to pack. I took that dress and marched it back to mommy's cabin and said thru gritted teeth: "Stop.Making. My. Kids. Responsible. For. Your. Problems." And I hung the dress on a closet door knob and marched out of her cabin.

The idiot followed me back into my cabin with the dress whining that she had forgotten to pack it and didn't know what to doooooooooo. I refused to look at her and said, "Carry it off the ship with you in the morning" again thru gritted teeth. But she whined over and over and over, "But I forgot to pack it, what do I doooooo?" I kept repeating: "Ask your son. Ask your son." Everytime I said that she got more and more frantic. The woman is fricking ******* crazy--as crazy as XAH's psychotic homeless ex.

Finally because I wouldn't 'help' her, she shrieked, "THEY ARE YOUR KIDS NOW" (the dress belonged to her granddaughter my stepdaughter) and smashed the dress into my face. Right into my nose, snapping my head backwards.

I was stunned, shocked, began to shake and didn't say anything just ran out of the cabin leaving my kids there. I started looking for my ex, but he was hiding out with his brother. This was at 8:30, at about 10:00 I saw his mommy walking the ship carrying the dress, dragging her 5, and 7 year old grandchildren behind her. I dodged into the shadows to avoid her. About 45 minutes later, I bumped into her still with the kids and said they needed to be in bed: stepdaughter had black circles under her eyes and stepson looked miserable. They looked at me, like 'please save me'. I thought I should just take them and put them to bed but decided against it because it would just cause more trouble with mommy, a scene in front of the kids, and make XAH and his brother madder at me. Mommy said, "They had a very fine nap this afternoon." And stalked off.

About 11 pm I found XAH. He was talking to strangers and I don't know where his brother was nowhere to be seen. I went to stand next to XAH. I could sense the anger coming off him. He ignored me. Pretended I wasn't there. The strangers kept looking at me puzzled. WHo's this woman, why is he ignoring her, does he know her, does she want something from us? Finally I turned on my heel and went to the elevators. I had decided that the marriage was over and when the ship docked I was going to get a lawyer and a divorce.

Just as the elevator doors closed on me, XAH jumped in too. He refused to talk to me and we went to a bar. I told him his mother hit me in the face. He didn't say: "Are you okay?" or "I'm sorry". He said, "She must have felt cornered" in a poor-little mommy voice (it was my fault you see). I told her that at this minute she was wandering the ship looking for him, carrying the dress in front of her, and dragging his children around, and had been doing it for that last 3 hours. Did he get up and rescue his kids? NOPE. He ordered another drink and sighed: "It just goes to show how neurotic she is." He also told me that his brother had said, "And I agree with him" that if I really loved my new husband I'd be nicer to his mother." This rubbed me the wrong way and I snapped, "If your mother loved YOU, she'd be nice to your bride." XAH looked shocked and said, "There is NO DOUBT my mother loves me".

Anyway, we worked out a solution; five rules for dealing with his mother, BOUNDARIES. He wanted to keep the marriage (probably because I had $109,000 in the bank, and he was living in a 30 year old rusted trailer in Margate FL), and I'd bought us a nice 5 bedroom house. He'd hidden his drinking from me, because he knew how I felt about my kids' father and alcoholism. But he drank vodka and gator ade almost every day when he was at home. On weekends he drank from the time he got up.

Mommy was sent back to Ohio (her apology: I'm sorry for everything I ever did since the day I was born, there, are you satisfied), and we tried to make our marriage work in FL. But he couldn't. Mommy whined nonstop, guilted him, blamed him, nagged him and he bullied me on her behalf. He wanted to leave me in FL our first Xmas to visit his family. He screamed at me, he was mean to my kids, I watched me a lot of times kick and smack his son, he lied about me to his family, on and on and on. It was the same crap as from my prior marriage--the only difference: I had upgraded from your basic alcoholic husband to a the deluxe model: an abusive alcoholic momma's boy.

Eventually, he shoved me into a refrigerator during a drunken rage, I called the police and he was removed from the house. He then did everythig he could to make the divorce as miserable as possible; stalked me, stalked my kid, cyberstalked me here; demanded I be removed from the house I bought, demanded alimony, demanded I pay his legal bills, etc... Finally, he lost his job and moved his drunken butt back to Ohio to live with his brother and be with his mommy and we got divorced.

He was not the nice quiet, stable, boring, good natured, man I thought he was. He'd pretended to get me (and my money), he lied, he manipulated.

I threw myself into therapy. Alanon f2f at night and during lunchhour, individual therapy, and another support group therapy. I had chosen 2 alcoholics.

In June of this year, I had to serve a FISA order to the Dir of Security for one of the major tourist industries here. We started talking; we got put on a joint project. We talked all the time. I'd been in the military; he had spent 20 years as a Navy Seal, working their CT spec. warfare group. He'd frickin' jump out of airplanes with bombs strapped to him to deliver them to remote areas of combat (I asked him, "Does your mother know what you were doing?" The thought of one of my kids doing that...ugh). After twenty years of that, he went into a private corporation. He thinks my job is more interesting than his; I think his is more glamorous than mine. He was what my first XAH could have been had he not self destructed via alcohol. And what's more I know my new friend does not have alcohol, drug, violence, financial or any other type of trouble in his past: he recently underwent a full scope TS/SCI background investigation.

The "nice guy" was not nice at all. He was horrible. He's crippled with codependency focusing on mental illness (his mother, his first wife, and his son who is another whole nightmare story).

I'm not saying all nice guys are nightmares; just my experience with one was. He lied and misrepresented himself. I felt groomed and 'handled' and manipulated. I'm sure my money and the lifestyle I could give him was a big attraction to him, and when he had that ring on my finger, and me trapped with financial entanglements, he showed his true alcoholic mommy-boy self and 'punished' me with abuse and humiliation and rejection and threats when I didn't get with the make-mommy-happy-all-the-time program.

Will this guy I'm hanging out with now be 'the one'? Who knows? I'm not looking for perfection, just sanity, character, and normalcy and someone who makes my heart leap and who thinks I'm worth it. It's fun now, exciting, delicious, just fun, fun, fun. We like each other. There's no hurry. My youngest graduates in June 2013, so there will be no thought of having a life together until then. And if we were still inclined, we'd live together for several years. There's no guarantee of anything, but six years of knowing someone well should leave no nasty surprises of alcoholism, cheating, gambling, abuse, neurosis or whatever. And in the meantime we're having FUN. My life now: just work and play--and I love my job, so it's just a good life right now.

My advice. Don't count on 'nice'; if you don't feel the spark, the nice is not enough. Go for someone who makes your heart leap. Nice can be faked, but a singing heart is a delight. (of course, a leaping heart can lead you astray too, but if you do your therapy work and give yourself a lot of time, you will probably be able to tease out the messed up ones from the decent ones).

If your gut is telling you that you may be being groomed or set up--follow your gut. I'm almost 50 years old, 158 lbs, mother of 3 college aged kids, a middle aged average woman, no glamor puss, sexy, exciting hot young babe. I never thought this would happen to me at this time of my life.

Wait for the right one; work on your innards and your life; and trust life will be kind to you. Don't tolerate the second rate in yourself or others.
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