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Hell to the NO!

Old 11-16-2010, 11:39 PM
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Hell to the NO!

So I did in fact secure housing, validated today, with my preferred roommate(s). Actually she, the initiator, will just be "around" since she will be subletting her own upstairs studio to me, but has a heavy involvement there since her cousin lives there still, and also we're going to do some business collaboration. What a gift this woman is. We've worked out a trade to make my rent more affordable in exchange for work. There is also a big art studio which is just PERFECT for me since I paint a lot.

What really got me, though, was that today I got home to a moving truck and my husband and a hired laborer and a friend. Not that that's anything in itself. he said "I left weed for you in the basement in XXX location." Well guess what, I don't even smoke pot more than once a month. Usually at an event. I couldn't believe this. After all his ultimatums about drinking and the drastic events surrounding this, he would even consider giving me drugs? Well that's just completely messed up, I think. I told him to take it away as I wouldn't be wanting it, and he seemed like it was such a disappointment. I wonder if he was trying to challenge me, or is this really the kind of codependent he wants to be? As he drove off in his giant diesel rental truck, he blew two LOUD horn honks -- at a time that was not even appropriate. It was dark out in my quiet neighborhood. Yuck. That's all I can say.

I'm trying to focus on myself and my needs but I am starting to realize that this whole dynamic was probably not healthy to begin with.

Does anyone have a story or relationship redemption to help me feel encouraged? Right now it's hard to.

Thanks.
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Old 11-17-2010, 12:43 AM
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I don't know your husbands story, but a lot of my friends and family just don't get addiction Stella.

A lot of them can party hard...but they can stop.

Drinking/drugging is an aberration for them.
It was my life.

A lot of them didn't get that when I quit drinking, I quit everything.
My problem was me, not alcohol, or pot or whatever.

I think people without a problem just don't need to think that deeply.
Maybe it's no more mysterious than that, Stella?

Give yourself a chance to inhabit your sober skin, and your husband a chance to get used to it too.

My advice is don't be jumping to the last page of the book just yet - stay in the day...keep the focus on you for now

D
D
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Old 11-17-2010, 02:14 AM
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I can't say it any better than Dee did. Give yourself time to settle in, to get used to your new situation, to get more comfortable with your sober self. It will get better. Just stay in 'today' for now.
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Old 11-17-2010, 10:20 AM
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Thanks for your replies. I suppose that it must be true, my alcohol problem must seem distinctly different to him from my seeming ability to tolerate pot. However, it's all substance usage to me and I really don't make a distinction. That makes sense. He is a casual drinker and pot smoker but doesn't take it to the level I do.
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Old 11-17-2010, 12:46 PM
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Originally Posted by stellaloella View Post
my alcohol problem must seem distinctly different to him from my seeming ability to tolerate pot.
You know it really doesn't matter how your problem seems to him. It's your problem and you are the one who needs to fix it. Don't be overly influenced by other people's input.
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Old 11-17-2010, 02:32 PM
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Stella,
Congratulations on the housing and lifestyle success!

Good decision not to use any substance as a sub for drinking or an adjunct to a sober life too!
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Old 11-17-2010, 02:48 PM
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Congrats on the new apartment! That sounds like such a positive change. There's something romantic to me about living in a studio apartment. Probably because I'm a writer!

I don't have a spouse or significant other, but my friends are completely against my sobriety so I know what it's like to feel sabotaged. Sorry it's not a positive story!
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Old 11-17-2010, 09:05 PM
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Thanks for your supportive words, all. I am so frustrated/depressed right now that it's really difficult to keep things in any sort of perspective. Your responses also pointed out something to me, which is that I tend to be hypersensitive about everyone around me and I need to quit doing that so much. I've always thought I was some kind of mind-reader, I guess. I read things into peoples words and actions all the time to the point of paranoia. A lot of people (people I hope don't know about my drinking) have been using the expression "take care of yourself" lately, and it all began after my grandmother died. Now they know I'm moving and splitting up and I hear it several times a day. I know it's twisted, but I read into even THAT and feel like it's code for "we know you're a giant alcoholic failure." Talk about projection! Geez Louise. I guess I need a deep breath once in a while.
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