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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2
New here
Hey everybody. I'm a female in my early 20s, living in the United Kingdom.
Last night, for what I hope to be the last time ever, I binged on alcohol. I can't seem to drink normally, I always go to excess. The cycle never seems to change - I'll go without drinking for 6-8 days, then I'll get an overwhelming urge to drink again.
I usually drink alone and at home. I still go online and it's getting to the stage where I think I am alienating people. I always say things I would never say when sober. Sometimes I say things of an insulting nature even if I didn't mean to be insulting, or I'll open up too much and say really personal things to people I would not normally open up to if sober. I run the risk of damaging my relationships with some of my friends because I can become quite an ugly drunk. The day after I always feel ashamed and guilty, and I always promise myself never to drink again, but for reasons I can't fully understand, I still do it.
I originally dismissed the idea of being an alcoholic as I do not drink on a daily basis or feel like I have a physical dependency for it, yet the cravings do come after a few days and seem to override all rational thought in a way that makes me suspect an actual addiction. I know that what I'm doing is wrong, but I do it anyway, rationalising it to myself all the while with "it won't be like before, it won't be so bad this time". It always is bad, and I always regret it.
Now I think the best thing to do is to just act under the assumption that I am an alcoholic, whether I meet the criteria for it or not. All I do know for sure is that my relationship with alcohol is incredibly unhealthy, regardless of the true nature of my condition and whether it's physical or psychological. Hopefully coming to this forum on a daily basis - even if I stop drinking for the rest of my life - will help me stay on the right path, because I know that once I remove alcohol from my life it will improve dramatically.
It's easy for me to write all of this now, when still hungover and feeling the shame from drinking last night, but a few days from now I might've forgotten all about it and once again I might manage to talk myself into drinking by saying "ah it's not that bad", which is the most dangerous part of all of this. It is that bad. That is when I really will need help, because I've tried battling these urges on my own and have so far been unsuccessful.
I don't know what I'm going to get out of posting this, but perhaps being around other people who have similar experiences to me will be a good thing. It'll help me realise that I'm not a freak, that there are lots of people who are in a similar situation and that there are ways to beat this. I can't change the past and I can't erase the things I've already said and done, but I can look to the future and remember that it's never too late to change!
Anyway, I'm looking forward to posting here more and meeting you all. Hopefully this'll be the first step towards a better, sober life.
Last night, for what I hope to be the last time ever, I binged on alcohol. I can't seem to drink normally, I always go to excess. The cycle never seems to change - I'll go without drinking for 6-8 days, then I'll get an overwhelming urge to drink again.
I usually drink alone and at home. I still go online and it's getting to the stage where I think I am alienating people. I always say things I would never say when sober. Sometimes I say things of an insulting nature even if I didn't mean to be insulting, or I'll open up too much and say really personal things to people I would not normally open up to if sober. I run the risk of damaging my relationships with some of my friends because I can become quite an ugly drunk. The day after I always feel ashamed and guilty, and I always promise myself never to drink again, but for reasons I can't fully understand, I still do it.
I originally dismissed the idea of being an alcoholic as I do not drink on a daily basis or feel like I have a physical dependency for it, yet the cravings do come after a few days and seem to override all rational thought in a way that makes me suspect an actual addiction. I know that what I'm doing is wrong, but I do it anyway, rationalising it to myself all the while with "it won't be like before, it won't be so bad this time". It always is bad, and I always regret it.
Now I think the best thing to do is to just act under the assumption that I am an alcoholic, whether I meet the criteria for it or not. All I do know for sure is that my relationship with alcohol is incredibly unhealthy, regardless of the true nature of my condition and whether it's physical or psychological. Hopefully coming to this forum on a daily basis - even if I stop drinking for the rest of my life - will help me stay on the right path, because I know that once I remove alcohol from my life it will improve dramatically.
It's easy for me to write all of this now, when still hungover and feeling the shame from drinking last night, but a few days from now I might've forgotten all about it and once again I might manage to talk myself into drinking by saying "ah it's not that bad", which is the most dangerous part of all of this. It is that bad. That is when I really will need help, because I've tried battling these urges on my own and have so far been unsuccessful.
I don't know what I'm going to get out of posting this, but perhaps being around other people who have similar experiences to me will be a good thing. It'll help me realise that I'm not a freak, that there are lots of people who are in a similar situation and that there are ways to beat this. I can't change the past and I can't erase the things I've already said and done, but I can look to the future and remember that it's never too late to change!
Anyway, I'm looking forward to posting here more and meeting you all. Hopefully this'll be the first step towards a better, sober life.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Hi and Welcome,
I am so glad that you posted here, and if you get the urge to drink again in a few days, you can come back here and read your posts. It will help you.
I started coming here so that I could be with people who understood what I was going through, because no one in my life got it. I always drank at home, alone and hid my drinking as much as possible. It became so shameful and harder and harder to hide. It's unbelievable what alcoholism can do to one's self-esteem, which was likely already pretty shakey.
And, it's good to accept that you can't change the past and getting stuck trying to do that, can stop you from recovering. So, make today the day that you change your life for the best.
I am so glad that you posted here, and if you get the urge to drink again in a few days, you can come back here and read your posts. It will help you.
I started coming here so that I could be with people who understood what I was going through, because no one in my life got it. I always drank at home, alone and hid my drinking as much as possible. It became so shameful and harder and harder to hide. It's unbelievable what alcoholism can do to one's self-esteem, which was likely already pretty shakey.
And, it's good to accept that you can't change the past and getting stuck trying to do that, can stop you from recovering. So, make today the day that you change your life for the best.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: California
Posts: 62
This Place Saved Me
I think you may find this blog a great place to be. The people here are so caring and understanding.
If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it probably is a duck. At least that is that way I view my alcoholism. I have no control over it.
So welcome - your posts help us too!
If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it probably is a duck. At least that is that way I view my alcoholism. I have no control over it.
So welcome - your posts help us too!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2
Thank you for the welcome.
I have bookmarked this forum in a place I can't miss, so that I can read it every day - I am hoping sincerely that this will be the first day of a better life. I never thought I'd see myself admitting to having a problem with alcohol, but that just goes to show how quickly things can spiral out of control if left unchecked...
I am also hoping that in the process I can help people who are facing the same problem as me. I wouldn't wish this kind of life on my worst enemy!
I have bookmarked this forum in a place I can't miss, so that I can read it every day - I am hoping sincerely that this will be the first day of a better life. I never thought I'd see myself admitting to having a problem with alcohol, but that just goes to show how quickly things can spiral out of control if left unchecked...
I am also hoping that in the process I can help people who are facing the same problem as me. I wouldn't wish this kind of life on my worst enemy!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Welcome Shiney
Sometimes I think it's best to just accept we have a problem and deal with that - whether or not you name it alcoholism is a decision for you to make somewhere down the track.
Certainly the folks here helped me make up my mind - and gave me a lot of support besides.
I hope we can do the same for you too
Welcome!
D
Sometimes I think it's best to just accept we have a problem and deal with that - whether or not you name it alcoholism is a decision for you to make somewhere down the track.
Certainly the folks here helped me make up my mind - and gave me a lot of support besides.
I hope we can do the same for you too
Welcome!
D
31/10/10
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 241
Shiney - a great and honest post - thanks for sharing that. I too, hope you can return and read it when you next feel the urge to binge like this.
Personally I felt it was very helpful to learn more about the physiological aspects of alcoholism - it took away a lot of the shame and feelings of being inferior because of the amounts I drink and what I do when I drink.
Hang around here and all the best for your journey
vee
Personally I felt it was very helpful to learn more about the physiological aspects of alcoholism - it took away a lot of the shame and feelings of being inferior because of the amounts I drink and what I do when I drink.
Hang around here and all the best for your journey
vee
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Welcome Shiny,
You are making a big step and the rest will flow from there. You have a whole life to live, and make yourself proud, with dignity and self respect. Treat yourself to a good life. You deserve it you know.
You are making a big step and the rest will flow from there. You have a whole life to live, and make yourself proud, with dignity and self respect. Treat yourself to a good life. You deserve it you know.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Cary, NC
Posts: 715
Hi Shiney
I see a lot of my own experience in your post and as a relatively young person (22) I thought I did not fit the "criteria" for alcoholism, at least early on. For instance, I never got a DUI, wrapped a car around a telephone pole, carried alcohol in a brown bag, or even drank as soon as I woke up. But when I honestly looked at my drinking (and this took time and perspective), I saw that it just got worse and worse until I could no longer predict what would happen.
Glad you're here Welcome to SR.
I see a lot of my own experience in your post and as a relatively young person (22) I thought I did not fit the "criteria" for alcoholism, at least early on. For instance, I never got a DUI, wrapped a car around a telephone pole, carried alcohol in a brown bag, or even drank as soon as I woke up. But when I honestly looked at my drinking (and this took time and perspective), I saw that it just got worse and worse until I could no longer predict what would happen.
Glad you're here
Welcome to SR.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
there are lots of people who are in a similar situation and that there are ways to beat this
I was a daily drinker (wine) and tho I never hit a bad 'bottom' I was feeling like the worst piece of sh!t on the planet. I've been trying for three years to stay sober and coming up next month I'll have one year sober!! So yes, it is possible. I went to AA a lot in my early recovery. I still go to my home group but mostly stay sober with the help of my wonderful addiction counselor and this site.Welcome to the family!
Stick around, read, and ask questions. We're here to help you get and stay sober. All the best to you in your new and better life.
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