aiw

I havent heard from my son since Friday. I dont know where he's staying and he hasn't been to his job since a week ago last Sunday. I've been trying to stay strong about waiting for him to contact me but I've lost some ground today. I texted him in the middle of the night last night (he paid for his phone and had it turned on again yesterday -- some relief for me) to let him know that I am here when he has had enough...didn't get a reply but didn't expect one either. Since I've been enabling in the past, I'm confused about how far I should go to contact him, if at all. Should I leave him be? Or, try to find him? I'm really confused. Is this just more of my codependent behavior? Any help would be greatly appreciated...

suki44883

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, you are not alone. There are many mothers here at SR dealing with the same heart-wrenching issue.

Since you asked, I'll give my two cents. Since you have already made contact and let him know that you will be there for him when he's ready to get help, I'd just leave it alone. Trying to force him to do something before he is ready isn't going to work. He has to make the decision, and he will, once staying the same is more miserable than changing. Unfortunately, that could take a long time. He needs to find his bottom, and when he does, he knows where you are.

Hang in there. We will help you in any way we can.

keepinon

I know you are worried. His phone is on so you know he's ok.You have put out there that when he is ready, you are there. I think probably backing off and working on your stuff may be the best thing you could do for you AND your son right now. the best gift you can give your son is to find recovery for yourself. He has been in recovery before and knows what to do if he wants help. Hang in there.. it's a slow process, but changing your behavior can help both of you in the long run.Go to a meeting.Read Codependant No More.Rent a funny movie.Take care of yourself.

aiw

suki and keepinon: Thanks so much for your quick replies...i'm alone and get really caught up in my worry sometimes. i start my al-anon mtgs on thursday...and i'm looking forward to getting a sponsor. also, my mom is coming to visit at the end of the week. thanks again to you both...hugs

Ann

He knows where to find you when he is ready and my guess is he will call soon.

Glad you're starting meetings, it's a wonderful gift to give ourselves when we reach out for help.

Hugs

dollydo

I too am glad that you are going to attend meetings. It sure will help.

All your worrying is not going to change a thing, what is going to happen will happen. This is a situation that you cannot control, no matter how hard you try.

He knows where you are, he will contact you when and if he is ready.

Try and get some rest, it will help.

BBD

Hi aiw, I know how you feel. I've been there many, many times. And every time I lost sleep, cried tons and couldn't think of anything but my son hurting somewhere. Guess what? He was doing what he wanted to do and not worrying one bit about the family that loved him....It took quite a while but for now he is healthy and running his own construction business. I'm sure your son is safe and will get ahold of you when he's ready. Not a good position to put a mom in.....but thats how it is. He knows you called so for now your meetings will help you tremendously. Once I gave up feeling crappy everyday and got stronger knowledge about addiction and backed away completely he seeked out help. That was so hard on me but if a relapse happens here~~~~I'll do it again. Thoughts and hugs hon. Hang in there. Bonnie

Kindeyes

aiw
Oh man.....do I understand your anxiety......it'll make us nuts if we let it.

I found that I had to do anything to get my mind off of where my son was and what was happening to him. Reading. Yoga. Exercise. Music. Meetings. Movies. Keeping myself busy is how I kept myself sane during those times when I knew he was on the street doing who knows what. Anything to keep the emotion and fear from overtaking me.

Concentrate on you. He will call when he's ready. Preparing yourself with knowledge so that when he calls, you can handle the call the best way possible......that would be good.

Take care of you...... and trust that your son is in the warm embrace of his higher power.

gentle hugs

aiw

Once I gave up feeling crappy everyday and got stronger knowledge about addiction and backed away completely he seeked out help.
Bonnie: Thanks so much for sharing this with me...i really do need hope, and real life experiences help me at times like this...big hug to you


Preparing yourself with knowledge so that when he calls, you can handle the call the best way possible......that would be good.
Kindeyes: thank you...this is the plan because even though i'd love to hear from him, i fear my response. hugs

keepinon

My personal experience was when I backed off and allowed my daughter to "wallow in her addiction" she found out that she didn't like it.Being dirty, broke,homeless,sick,alone, afraid, isolated..didn't really sit well with her for too long.Now had I brought her clean clothes, given her 5 bucks for food, etc. that process would have almost certainly gone on longer.They must FEEL the consequences of thier addiction.They always say on Intervention "most people cannot live an addicted lifestyle very long unless someone is helping them." I did not want to be the person helping her live like that 1 more day.

BBD

and another thing aiw~~write down what you want to say to your son cause when he does call you may panic and the words just don't come out right. I think its hardest thing in the world for a mom to turn her kids away but I knew that I couldn't go on like that. It was really starting to effect my marriage. I was so "stupid" to the fact that he couldn't just ditch the drug and start life all over. Scarry~~~what you learn in meetings, counciling and here...but I made it and so can you. Smiles, Bonnie

aiw

I did not want to be the person helping her live like that 1 more day.
keepinon: Yes! This is exactly the way i feel...i believe my son deserves the chance to live life at his potential without drugs...whatever that may be. Thanks so much for being here...

I was so "stupid" to the fact that he couldn't just ditch the drug and start life all over.
Bonnie: I just came to this realization about myself yesterday...the worst day for me so far...thankfully, every day feels different...i feel so much stronger compared to yesterday. Thank you so much...