stella27

A man that I really like a lot is going to be in town this weekend visiting mutual friends. He doesn't know I know this. Would you wait to see if he calls me when he's here or would you ask him to meet for coffee or a walk or something?

Here's the background:
After more than a year of separation from my AH, I am finally divorced. I have had a crush on this man for at least 6 months, but he lives out of town. I don't know what he thinks of me. We have had quite a bit of email correspondence - not really flirtatious or personal - mostly about current events or theology. I think he is very wise. We've had some phone calls - initiated by me, but he usually doesn't answer and then he calls back until he reaches me and we talk for 45 minutes or so - last time was a few days ago.

I don't know what he thinks of me, but I totally adore him.

Would you ask him to call you if he has time for a cup of coffee during his weekend trip? Would you wait til Sunday and see if he calls me on his own?

I'm just a crazy codie who no longer knows how to relate to men, and I would so love to see this particular man.


thanks.

suki44883

I'd wait to see if he calls you. He knows you live in that town and if he is interested in seeing you, he'll let you know. If he doesn't call, I'd take that as a hint that he's not as interested in you as you are in him.

LucyA

He's coming to town, but he hasn't told you.
I assume he knows you live in this town.
I'd just carry on with my own plans, if you've been in touch it's probably safe to say if he wanted to meet up he'd have probably mentioned it by now.

Then again maybe he has no idea how you feel about him, but personally I'd try to find that out before I jumped in with both feet. Take it slow, if he's coming to town once he'll probably come again.

HealingWillCome

What is the worst that could happen if you called him?

I'm not suggesting you 'awfulize', but if you're okay with the worst-case, then what do you have to lose?

stella27

The worst thing that could happen is that he says no. That will be bad for a while because I will be so devastated over the end of my fantasy that he might like me a little bit. And I will be embarrassed.

But then at least I would know and I could put this fantasy to rest for good with clear evidence of that. It might be worse if he says yes, because then I will go on adoring him and wondering if he likes me back.

I am so appreciative of all your responses.

Learn2Live

I personally would email him (because that is how we normally converse) and tell him exactly what I want from him. I would say, "Hey Sam! I heard you will be in town this weekend and I would love to see you! How about meeting me for coffee at <INSERT NAME OF COFFEE PLACE> at <INSERT TIME YOU WANT TO SEE HIM>. Here's my cell number; please don't call after ____ PM <INSERT CELL PHONE NUMBER>. Thanks!

I have to add my WHY: Why I would do it this way. Because I take 100% responsibility for DETERMINING what I want for my life now, and I take 100% responsibility for GETTING what I want in life now. That means I take FULL responsibility for formulating EXACTLY what I want and communicating EXACTLY what I want to the person who I want to engage in life with, and have expectations of.

hersecret

in this type of situation; we most often regret those things we didn't do than those things we did. Go ahead and give him a call. Come Monday you won't be wondering "what if?" well you could be, but at least you stepped up!

LucyA

stella, can I ask how you know he's coming to town?

Pelican

Keep in mind the friends may have events planned. Please don't take it personally if he is not available.

I like to go back to my old community when I have some time off. I have friends and my home group in that community. I have one friend (male) that always wants me to see him while I am in town.

I can not visit him everytime I am in the area. Sometimes I have other plans and sometimes I just want to relax alone.

I do try to visit one or two people while I am in the area.

I like L2L's suggestion.
If my friends know I am coming to town and say:
Meet me at _____ cafe for a coffee on Saturday at 3:00.
I would try to make that happen.

The vagueness of: "be sure and stop by when you are here" or "let's get together while you are in town" doesn't work. The most successful meetings have happened when we pre-arranged the meeting. Then I am free to make other plans the rest of my visit to the area.

stella27

His best friend is married to my best friend, and she told me today in the course of discussing what's going on this weekend.

I do know that he has plans to go hunting with his buddies, but they will go out to supper at night and be generally hanging around the house when they're not out hunting (mornings usually).

I consider it a test of his intentions toward me in a way. If he comes into town and makes no effort to see me on his own, I will know that he just didn't want to, and maybe that will help me put the relationship into proper perspective.

So on the one hand, I would really like to see him and chat with him a little (over coffee, for example). On the other hand, if I asked and he agreed to see me, is it just me trying to force something?

I am not really proficient at knowing how to deal with the opposite sex at this point.

Cyranoak

Good God. I've been waiting all my life to hear a woman say this. I think I'm going to cry. Somebody hold me! Please tell me there are other women who understand men can't read minds and therefore communicate directly with us. One who says what she means and means what she says? No way.

Cyranoak

Babyblue

If he is someone else's guest that may be why he didn't tell you. He may not be able to arrange time around his friends. I would just mention 'hey, I hear you are going to be in town, let's try to meet up'. Then leave it up to him. He has your number. Keep it casual. Don't overthink it! But yeah, take control and cyranoak is right, men are not mind readers.

Floss

Hi Stella, I totally agree with L2L! I have a friend in avery similar situation and the man she's interested in came to town and he didn't contact her. She is also the only one who calls and when she does, they talk for about 45 mins too (are you sure you're not my friend? Lol). She was thinking about going to meet him for dinner (he lives 2.5 hours away) but keeps beating around the bush. My suggestion to her was she gets it out in the open with him and at least she will know where she stands one way or the other. She hasn't done this yet and is still asking herself (and me) the same question "he loves me, he loves me not". I'm hoping for her sanity (and mine, ha ha), she bites the bullet and comes clean! All the best

Learn2Live

Cryanoak

transformyself

Well if you want "love" advice from me (some may advise against) I'd be direct like L2L suggests.

My checklist for dating used to read like this-do you like me? yes or no?
I think "are you stunning beautiful and will you attract women who will throw themselves at you in front of me, making me feel inferior," used to be high up there as well.

I'd recommend creating a "checklist of what one needs to have in order to spend time with Stella," as the real question here is whether or not this person meets your criteria.

However, when I"m feeling "desperate," or all in my head about how fantastic someone is, that's usually a red flag for me. The man I'm dating now does ALL of the pursuing, adores me really and that's the way (uh-huh uh-huh) I like it. All though it's also a bit annoying at times.

It's all about boundaries.

I'd say the most important element here is to maintain your absolute confidence that: your life is perfect the way it is, without any man including this one
you are the catch of a lifetime for whomever you determine is worthy enough to spend time with you
and you'll be fine whether or not he wants to see you

Relax, communicate clearly, have fun and don't put anyone one a pedestal!

transformyself

And Cyranoak-
I've sent men RUNNING away from me with this approach. My friends say it's because I'm strong and beautiful and don't play games. But it's also likely that I'm too aggresive, or have been in the past.

It's been very frustrating for me to be direct with a few men. They sort of panic and go away, then come back a week or so later because they've changed their mind. By then, I'm not interested.

breakingglass

if he is a mutual friend of both of you, why not ask the mutual friend about him? i'm kind of bold person so personally, i would just come right out with it in a very casual way...just like your emails. what's the harm in asking. he's either interested or not. maybe he is shy in that way and would be tickled that you to initiated a meeting.... if you don't take chances in life, you may miss out on some very wonderful things. (oh listen to me, i can't even straighten out my own dilemma at home!) but i'm good at giving advice to others!!

stella27

THE WHOLE STORY:

Let's call the man in question Mr. D for Desirable. My friends are Mr. and Mrs. B.

The B's invited my children and me on a vacation with them and their chidlren and assorted friends in March.

Mr. D was one of these friends. He was very kind to me and my little ones and did a lot to take care of us, even though I never asked for help. Since then we haven't seen each other but have had many exchanges about church issues and theology and current events. Some good facebook debates and a few phone calls.

I have generally initiated the contact. He is generally responsive, but when he isn't, I immediately feel rejected.

I won't ask the mutual friends about him because they don't know why I am so enamored with him. Mr. H actually said "I don't know where this friendship is coming from - you just spent 4 days with him (on the trip) 6 months ago and since then you are just facebook friends."

And factually that is true. Except that my crush on him is BIG, and the things he knows that I want him to tell me about are so interesting.

I am sure that he has issues. Women love him. He is 45 and never-married. He is so smart and so clever and so funny.

I am those things, too. Smart and cute and funny and accomplished. And raising 3 children and I live 3 hours away from him.

Whoever said I should think of this as ME auditioning HIM is so wise. I need to take my power back, don't I?

Still, should I wait and see or should I ask him to meet?
What if being direct gets me flat-out rejected??? How embarrassing.
More likely is that not being direct will result in my being exactly here, in this same spot next week. And forever after...I will just keep spinning and hoping that he decides he loves me. Where is the dignity in THAT?

suki44883

I don't mean to rain on your parade, but...it seems to me that if he was interested, he'd have said something by now. Since you initiate all the communication, I would take that to mean that, while he doesn't mind talking and emailing with you, it's not something that he feels all that strongly about. The fact that he is visiting with mutual friends in your town and hasn't mention it to you kind of backs up that assessment. I know you want him to return your feelings, but, from what you've written, it really doesn't sound like he's all that into you; at least not in a romantic way. Of course, I could be wrong. It has happened once or twice.

stella27

This is exactly why I am asking. I appreciate it.