My Wife's Husband is an Alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 5
My Wife's Husband is an Alcoholic
Hi.
I want to help my wife. She's a beautiful life and is standing by me as I seek sobriety.
I know from googling that I have in my alcoholic world created an enabling atmosphere and without yelling once or even considering anything worse, have taken life from her. We do what so many say, sit beside each other....and every minute there....she would be sitting alone.
But other than sobriety, how do I help this angel of mine? She isn't saying it, but she must feel so hurt...so angry....so alone....
I want to help my wife. She's a beautiful life and is standing by me as I seek sobriety.
I know from googling that I have in my alcoholic world created an enabling atmosphere and without yelling once or even considering anything worse, have taken life from her. We do what so many say, sit beside each other....and every minute there....she would be sitting alone.
But other than sobriety, how do I help this angel of mine? She isn't saying it, but she must feel so hurt...so angry....so alone....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
You start by getting yourself better. You stop drinking and start working on yourself. In that way, you become a better person and a better husband and can start making a living amends to the wonderful woman who has stood beside you.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,745
Originally Posted by aehmnm 
You start by getting yourself better. You stop drinking and start working on yourself. In that way, you become a better person and a better husband and can start making a living amends to the wonderful woman who has stood beside you.
Couldn't have said it better myself.
Improve yourself so you can share the 'new improved' version of yourself with her again.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Yep... make a decision to make a change in YOUR life so you can be the sort of husband she deserves.... then start a recovery program that'll help you live a whole life free of alcohol and any other destructive things you may have been doing. You make her life whole by taking the necessary action to stop being the "black hole" that practicing alcoholics are.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 241
Hi and welcome
I agree....you can help her by helping yourself.
My husband has stood helplessly by and watched me drink myself ill on and off for years.
I haven't needed to say anything to him this time....I'm just doing it.......and his eyes have a sparkle in them once again, already...........I'm gonna make sure it stays there.
Good luck
I agree....you can help her by helping yourself.
My husband has stood helplessly by and watched me drink myself ill on and off for years.
I haven't needed to say anything to him this time....I'm just doing it.......and his eyes have a sparkle in them once again, already...........I'm gonna make sure it stays there.
Good luck
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
For me getting sober was a kind of head down, slogging, private thing. Before I had tried to quit and I was very dramatic and theatrical about it. Tears and promises. But when it was really time it was all I could do to just get through the day. I had no room for anyone else in my life. I didn't even tell my husband what was going on for weeks. And when I finally did I cried for myself. For the lost soul I had been.
I am only 3 months into this and it's still a day to day thing for me. Not staying sober but creating this new life. I'm a better wife and mother. But honestly there are no big overtures. I can't turn back time. But I know we're all enjoying life more now.
My advice would be to encouage your wife to go have fun and relax. Living with someone in early recovery is no picnic.
I am only 3 months into this and it's still a day to day thing for me. Not staying sober but creating this new life. I'm a better wife and mother. But honestly there are no big overtures. I can't turn back time. But I know we're all enjoying life more now.
My advice would be to encouage your wife to go have fun and relax. Living with someone in early recovery is no picnic.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Originally Posted by Rekih
I know from googling that I have in my alcoholic world created an enabling atmosphere and without yelling once or even considering anything worse, have taken life from her. But other than sobriety, how do I help this angel of mine? She isn't saying it, but she must feel so hurt...so angry....so alone....
It's obvious you are taking responsability for your alcoholism. That is a big step and one that can take a long time for some folks.
Also, you say "other than sobriety" how can you help your wife. My friend, you might just be selling sobriety short. That is EVERYTHING you can do for your wife.
Get sober, get well, and everything else will fall into place.
...but I warn you - it's great the love you have for your wife, but this must be done for you and you alone in my opinion.
Kjell
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Lost
Posts: 65
Hi Rekih,
I'm struggling with this as well. All I know is I can't be a good husband, friend, brother, coworker, etc as long as I'm drinking and self-loathing.
Our anniversary is coming up on January 3rd.
This year I'm giving her a sober husband. Sadly, she's never known such a thing.
No diamond in the world can compare IMHO.
I'm struggling with this as well. All I know is I can't be a good husband, friend, brother, coworker, etc as long as I'm drinking and self-loathing.
Our anniversary is coming up on January 3rd.
This year I'm giving her a sober husband. Sadly, she's never known such a thing.
No diamond in the world can compare IMHO.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,312
Hi Rekih
Back in 07 I figured the best thing I could do for myself - get sober and stay that way - also had the pleasing benefit of being the best thing I could do for those who loved me.
They'd heard all the promises, heard all the resolutions, all the apologies, and the remorse....I think action and commitment on my part was quite refreshing for all involved
Show your intent by being who you want to be, Rekih
D
Back in 07 I figured the best thing I could do for myself - get sober and stay that way - also had the pleasing benefit of being the best thing I could do for those who loved me.
They'd heard all the promises, heard all the resolutions, all the apologies, and the remorse....I think action and commitment on my part was quite refreshing for all involved
Show your intent by being who you want to be, Rekih
D
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Rekih - To me, it sounds like you're already making a lot of progress, just by your post. I think every spouse, but maybe especially women, want their partner to be attentive. Fortunately, that's what sobriety gives us - we can connect to others again.
I'm so much more "present" now with my children and friends (I'm not married any more). It's the "quality" that's changed.
The other thing is what everyone else is saying: just work on being happy and content with sobriety.
I thought your post was so touching - you've got a great attitude.
I'm so much more "present" now with my children and friends (I'm not married any more). It's the "quality" that's changed.
The other thing is what everyone else is saying: just work on being happy and content with sobriety.
I thought your post was so touching - you've got a great attitude.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 5
Hello everyone.
Thank you. I was awake from 1-4 last night. I thought about all that you all shared. It gave me a warm peace. I still didn't sleep, but I felt o.k. considering that I need not feel guilty focusing on me for a bit longer, even though I have been doing only that for so long. This focus, you all have just shared, is different, is healthy and an example of the right thing to do. Thank you.
TenofNine - Monday was our anniversary. I was so afraid of it, as last Saturday....was my day to find sobriety. I didn't even know what I was going to feel like by Monday. Was I going to be able to talk? Was I going to be stuck in bed? Was I going to be able to look at my wife and tell her how much I love her...could I do it without tears? Could I let myself do it with tears for once?
She sat with me in the kitchen while I cooked on Monday. She told me a bit about her day. I didn't say much about mine. I didn't feel good. But I talked to her about it and I told her I wasn't talking much was because I wasn't drinking and not because I had been and didn't want to slur or engage....She smiled at me and stole a cucumber "snitch." She hadn't done that in a very long time.
Yes - I cried when I told her I loved her as she crunched cucumber in my ear hugging me from behind. Half of my tears were for why I originally wrote yesterday. Half were because I could feel again. I see this now.
Thank you my new friends.
Thank you. I was awake from 1-4 last night. I thought about all that you all shared. It gave me a warm peace. I still didn't sleep, but I felt o.k. considering that I need not feel guilty focusing on me for a bit longer, even though I have been doing only that for so long. This focus, you all have just shared, is different, is healthy and an example of the right thing to do. Thank you.
TenofNine - Monday was our anniversary. I was so afraid of it, as last Saturday....was my day to find sobriety. I didn't even know what I was going to feel like by Monday. Was I going to be able to talk? Was I going to be stuck in bed? Was I going to be able to look at my wife and tell her how much I love her...could I do it without tears? Could I let myself do it with tears for once?
She sat with me in the kitchen while I cooked on Monday. She told me a bit about her day. I didn't say much about mine. I didn't feel good. But I talked to her about it and I told her I wasn't talking much was because I wasn't drinking and not because I had been and didn't want to slur or engage....She smiled at me and stole a cucumber "snitch." She hadn't done that in a very long time.
Yes - I cried when I told her I loved her as she crunched cucumber in my ear hugging me from behind. Half of my tears were for why I originally wrote yesterday. Half were because I could feel again. I see this now.
Thank you my new friends.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,444
Rekih, I know it's HARD when you start feeling again, really, really hard.
I'm glad you're getting through this and as others have said, do focus on yourself and I hope that things work out with you and your wife.
I'm glad you're getting through this and as others have said, do focus on yourself and I hope that things work out with you and your wife.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
In order for my recovery to succeed, I had to want to quit for me. But the main reason I even considered it was my wife. She didn't deserve a brooding, somber drunk for a husband. And if I didn't have her in my life, I'd still be drinking. I'm sure of it. Good luck with your journey through recovery.
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