not sure
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not sure
i did pretty good over the weekend until i got a call. i'll share it with you all, but first i need you to beleive me that my obsession has declined a lot. there was at least enough separation to give me some needed distance. i struggled and worked through as best i could to start to see the other side. i'm not all the way there, but further than i was.
so here goes:
she called to tell me she hates being out there. that she wasn't with this other guy, but likes him as a friend, that he has treated her as a person and has hung out as a friend. that's fine.
she went to start on methadone and should get started on thursday. she said that she is tired of the life. has cut down everything considerably and decided that living this way is not worth getting high. she applied for housing and wants to find therapy and get a job. she recognizes that methadone will only help her wit hthe heroin, but said that when she was on it before, she had no desire to use crack either.
my concern is that she may be looking for a place to call home again. i don;t want to go back to any craziness. it may have been painful going through my withdrawl of her, but that was better than living the way i was. i only see that because i understand i was going through a healing process.
while i still cre about her and love her in some way, that attachemnt i was feeling has been severed. so i guess the question is, if she is trying to get clean and better, what do i do, if anything? she is homeless and has no job, no car or anything. nothing. i would hate to send her away if that means she has no where else to go. but i also already feel the anxiety and stress of letting her step back in. how do you know when it is right to help? i actually feel like a bit of a different person form just a week ago, way different than from a month ago. i dont want to harm myself and i dont want to harm her. i guess it still feels that if i turn her away, she's stuck in that life to some extent. if i turn her away and she is really trying to get better, can she then resent me for doing so? and for the record, i am not obsesing over this this time, i am just wanting to do what is right.
i feel closer to being ok the way things were, but i fell like its all coming back. i couldn't sleep well last night, like something inside is warning me or telling me to keep the guard up, but at the same time i have no ability to turn some people away. i am very bad at that sometimes.
so here goes:
she called to tell me she hates being out there. that she wasn't with this other guy, but likes him as a friend, that he has treated her as a person and has hung out as a friend. that's fine.
she went to start on methadone and should get started on thursday. she said that she is tired of the life. has cut down everything considerably and decided that living this way is not worth getting high. she applied for housing and wants to find therapy and get a job. she recognizes that methadone will only help her wit hthe heroin, but said that when she was on it before, she had no desire to use crack either.
my concern is that she may be looking for a place to call home again. i don;t want to go back to any craziness. it may have been painful going through my withdrawl of her, but that was better than living the way i was. i only see that because i understand i was going through a healing process.
while i still cre about her and love her in some way, that attachemnt i was feeling has been severed. so i guess the question is, if she is trying to get clean and better, what do i do, if anything? she is homeless and has no job, no car or anything. nothing. i would hate to send her away if that means she has no where else to go. but i also already feel the anxiety and stress of letting her step back in. how do you know when it is right to help? i actually feel like a bit of a different person form just a week ago, way different than from a month ago. i dont want to harm myself and i dont want to harm her. i guess it still feels that if i turn her away, she's stuck in that life to some extent. if i turn her away and she is really trying to get better, can she then resent me for doing so? and for the record, i am not obsesing over this this time, i am just wanting to do what is right.
i feel closer to being ok the way things were, but i fell like its all coming back. i couldn't sleep well last night, like something inside is warning me or telling me to keep the guard up, but at the same time i have no ability to turn some people away. i am very bad at that sometimes.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Cynical is right. Same story, different day. Move on Steve. She found a way to survive on the streets. She's tough enough to find sobriety and fend for herself. Step away from the addict, though I don't think you will.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
You say, I will no longer do this. You know where to go and what to do to find treatment. I will no longer be involved with anything addiction related. I still care about you, I wish you the best, but I cannot do this anymore. You need to work on your life, I need to work on mine and they need to be done seperately.
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How about "I care enough about you to let you figure this one out on your own, as I know you are capable of doing."
She's capable Steve, regardless of what she tells you or what you think. As long as you keep reinforcing the fact that she may not be able to do this without you, she conveniently will continue to rely on you.
So far, she hasn't put one minute of sincere effort into her own recovery...just words.
She's capable Steve, regardless of what she tells you or what you think. As long as you keep reinforcing the fact that she may not be able to do this without you, she conveniently will continue to rely on you.
So far, she hasn't put one minute of sincere effort into her own recovery...just words.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,064
It sounds like she made some arrangements on her own, she managed to find a methadone clinic, she knows how to call you, she is a big girl.
I know my hubby begged me to get therapy, help and I refused.
I was the one that made the call to get help, I was the one that made the call to rehab, I was the one that had final call on my addiction. I also am the one that not only cleaned up my life but I take total credit along with my higher power for the outcome . I get to own the addiction, the blame, shame and the credit.
If she has done better lately it's because she's had the time to make her own decisions without interference from anyone.
Keep on allowing her the dignity to climb out of her pit. I am thankful that I was allowed that dignity.
If she can find recovery in her own way, You can find the strength to allow her to do that and find your own path. If the two paths meet up later when everyone is healthy so be it be has to have time to recover, a year at least. You need time to get further distance, the more you have the more you can see what's healthy for you, with clearer eyes, not fogged up in obsessions.
I know my hubby begged me to get therapy, help and I refused.
I was the one that made the call to get help, I was the one that made the call to rehab, I was the one that had final call on my addiction. I also am the one that not only cleaned up my life but I take total credit along with my higher power for the outcome . I get to own the addiction, the blame, shame and the credit.
If she has done better lately it's because she's had the time to make her own decisions without interference from anyone.
Keep on allowing her the dignity to climb out of her pit. I am thankful that I was allowed that dignity.
If she can find recovery in her own way, You can find the strength to allow her to do that and find your own path. If the two paths meet up later when everyone is healthy so be it be has to have time to recover, a year at least. You need time to get further distance, the more you have the more you can see what's healthy for you, with clearer eyes, not fogged up in obsessions.
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Location: Atlanta
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((Steve)) - what I said was something like "I love you, I want you to have a great life, without drugs, but I just can't do this any more. You have to find your way, just like I had to find mine. You're a strong man, you can get help any time you want it. I'm tired of being on the rollercoaster with you, and I need to work on me".
Then I came here, and did what all the great people told me to...didn't have any contact for over a year. He never did find recovery, but in all honesty, even if he had I'd have never been able to trust him. It took me a LONG time to admit that to myself, but I did find peace and when he died, I knew I'd done the best I could for him.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Then I came here, and did what all the great people told me to...didn't have any contact for over a year. He never did find recovery, but in all honesty, even if he had I'd have never been able to trust him. It took me a LONG time to admit that to myself, but I did find peace and when he died, I knew I'd done the best I could for him.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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so it seems this could just be talk and not a serious attempt? i was thinking maybe it'sa real attempt since she did go to get on methadone.
then i wonder if i say something like amy suggested like I want you to have a great life, without drugs, but I just can't do this any more. You have to find your way
the response could be, or i would feel, she is trying to start over wihtout drugs and this is where she found her way too.
i dont want another ticket on the roller coaster. i just want to make sure this is the proper time to say NO, you cannot stay here. i have afeeling that she wants to cozy up to me to have a place to live while on methadone. it wil take her forever to find a job- been there before with her. and amy stick around long enough to line something else up. so i do have trust issues and do not want another round, but i still care about her and dont want to do the wrong thing at the wrong time.
then i wonder if i say something like amy suggested like I want you to have a great life, without drugs, but I just can't do this any more. You have to find your way
the response could be, or i would feel, she is trying to start over wihtout drugs and this is where she found her way too.
i dont want another ticket on the roller coaster. i just want to make sure this is the proper time to say NO, you cannot stay here. i have afeeling that she wants to cozy up to me to have a place to live while on methadone. it wil take her forever to find a job- been there before with her. and amy stick around long enough to line something else up. so i do have trust issues and do not want another round, but i still care about her and dont want to do the wrong thing at the wrong time.
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There goes that ego again. If she truly wants to stop living that life and get well, there is nothing you can do or say that will stop her. Just like there is nothing you could do to make her want help. You ain't that important or powerful.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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Don't jump the gun just yet Steve. She's not on a methadone program yet, not for a few days, if that is actually set up, you only have her word for it and she has slipped around the truth before. Also, you are leaving out this other fish she has on the line. She was quite sure not long ago that she wanted this other guy. Take all the addiction out of the equation and ask yourself if you really want to be just another branch she's squirrel hopping onto. One day this other guy is who she wants, now he's just a friend and she wants to come back to you. Are you looking to share her time with this "friend" while you pay her expenses anyway? She's treated you shabbily at best as a potential mate in that regard.
This is just my take on it from what I lived through and what I've read here. I see this as a stab for her stay out of treatment and hang on to her addict lifestyle. I wonder if her new guy isn't nudging her towards treatment and getting her life on track and rather than go the distance, she's looking for the nearest exit at the last minute so she calls up her back up plan (you) and gives it a try. If it works, she can crash at your house, come up with some sad excuse why Thursday isn't a good day start methadone and before you know it months go by and she hasn't worked a day or sought recovery at all. Before you even get to the point of giving up again and throwing her out, she's already staying out all hours with this last friend of hers talking up how great their life could be together so she has a safe place to crash when you finally do change the locks.
Play the tape all the way to the end on this one Steve. I say she's working you over to avoid recovery, not to get into recovery. She can get into recovery all by herself and with that said, it's way too soon for her to have any safe landings. She needs to stand on her own if she's ever going to really get well. The same goes for you.
Hang in there. Sometimes the right answer is the hardest to comprehend.
Alice
This is just my take on it from what I lived through and what I've read here. I see this as a stab for her stay out of treatment and hang on to her addict lifestyle. I wonder if her new guy isn't nudging her towards treatment and getting her life on track and rather than go the distance, she's looking for the nearest exit at the last minute so she calls up her back up plan (you) and gives it a try. If it works, she can crash at your house, come up with some sad excuse why Thursday isn't a good day start methadone and before you know it months go by and she hasn't worked a day or sought recovery at all. Before you even get to the point of giving up again and throwing her out, she's already staying out all hours with this last friend of hers talking up how great their life could be together so she has a safe place to crash when you finally do change the locks.
Play the tape all the way to the end on this one Steve. I say she's working you over to avoid recovery, not to get into recovery. She can get into recovery all by herself and with that said, it's way too soon for her to have any safe landings. She needs to stand on her own if she's ever going to really get well. The same goes for you.
Hang in there. Sometimes the right answer is the hardest to comprehend.
Alice
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alice- well said. i believe it too, at least for the most part.
i don't know why i am scared to say no. and i have a feeling she is going to just show up anyway at some point.
i want to say, i love you and i will be here for you, but you cannot stay here during recovery. she'll say, that she needs me and i am not being there for her.
i think my ears are about to bleed and my stomach is as tight as when wringing out a towell. plus my feet are numb. its likea panic attack. its crazy because its like shes the only one who i get this way over. maybe i can just hide for a day
i don't know why i am scared to say no. and i have a feeling she is going to just show up anyway at some point.
i want to say, i love you and i will be here for you, but you cannot stay here during recovery. she'll say, that she needs me and i am not being there for her.
i think my ears are about to bleed and my stomach is as tight as when wringing out a towell. plus my feet are numb. its likea panic attack. its crazy because its like shes the only one who i get this way over. maybe i can just hide for a day
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cynical one-
please believe me that i do not need to commit myself. the meds i have had a great affect. this is just another bump that i think many people here have encountered. i have read several posts aboput people wanting to go home etc.
you are right though that i have not taken action. i have just let things be and have been passive, letting her dictate my moves.
please believe me that i do not need to commit myself. the meds i have had a great affect. this is just another bump that i think many people here have encountered. i have read several posts aboput people wanting to go home etc.
you are right though that i have not taken action. i have just let things be and have been passive, letting her dictate my moves.
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Join Date: May 2009
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You have been advised many, many times to go "no contact". If you had taken that advice and not picked up the phone when she called, or not listened to her messages, you wouldn't be in this pickle....again!
So, to repeat:
Stop. taking. her. calls.
Change. your. number.
Delete. messages. without. listening.
So, to repeat:
Stop. taking. her. calls.
Change. your. number.
Delete. messages. without. listening.
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