iWeebleWobble

Hi,

I'm not too sure if Im in the right place, as I've never posted, and very new to this forum and speaking aloud about a problem... I figure, if the worst that comes out of this is -a little bit of introspection then Im ok with that. So here goes....

I am a good looking /clean well educated(MBA) male in my 30's . I met my wife in college during a study hall 12 years ago, and had some reservations(In retrospect of course) , of her past. She was/is a recovering drug abuser, has been in jail for smuggling drugs, and all kinds of problems with the law. This was well in her past(8 years before I met her) , and didnt appear to have any issues at all(though she did do NA, and AA) while I supported. YES. Bad decision on my part- and admit my ignorance....but , now..

we have 4 children , 9 year old, 7 year old, and two year old twin girls. All very very beautiful making me the proudest dad ever. I love them to the nth degree..they are extremely cute, adorable precious AWESOME KIDS!!

Heres where it gets sketchy....

Over the past 4 years(and really longer) spouse has been taking lots of prescription drugs.. I have tried to get her to stop, asked that she check into treatment, she is very much in denial.. Her excuse - back problems. The prescriptions are oxycotin, hydrocodone, tenazadine, ambien, and several others..... She has over the past 5 months turned into a unbelieveable b*tch, and has become extremely difficult to live with. She yells, throws profanity at me, and recently (thru a baby monitor ) Ive heard her tell my kids untrue, profane negative stories about me....

I found tonight she has been charging our credit card with online pharmacies, and has gone to several dr's to get various opioids prescriptions.. She has also gotten them in my name ..

I do NOT know what to do- I am a director level mgr w/30 people reporting to me - but at an extreme loss of what i do next.. Divorce - would be disastrous, because NOT only do I lose my kids at least 1/2 time , Id be a wreck thinking she would be putting them in harms way picking them up from school or....

I can NOT win it seems, and have NEVER in my LIFE felt so out of control of a situation... I am married for my kids only, and am obligated to take the torture to be with them..but am starting to feel beat down. I worry mostly for her wellbeing as my kids mom(they dont yet realize her problem) . I need to protect them from her.

Today she what appears to have Overdosed - feeling extremely vertigo (I called dr - and he called in some meds). basically incapable of movement - been in bed all day long. Of course the dr doesnt know it appears to be OD

im a bit scared, and for the first time in several years have shed a tear at my situation, though I know feeling sorry for myself will do NO good.

anyhow - maybe someone else has had a similar situation...I'd love to hear if you have. My friends, neighbors - Im not comfortable speaking w/(several of our neighbors have noticed her behavior(rolled eyes, etc..) and my childrens friends are not coming over to play any more because of this....

Im approaching this with a positive attitude. I've learned thru my 7 years old sons 5 brain surgeries(he's ok now) that negativity and thoughts of doom are way too draining..

I feel as if i have a unique challenge in front of me and cant wait to fix it - shout it from a mountain and help several others after i get a happy ending.

please feel free to send me private messages or email.

I appreciate any thoughts, insights, directions and sharing of your experiences. THANKS!!

Teggie

Weeble,

It's nice to meet you although I am sorry for the circumstances. I don't wish living with an addict on my worst enemy!

First of all know this:

You didn't cause her problem.
You have no control over her problem.
You can't cure (fix) her problem.

Those are the three C's we all here know very well. One thing you can control is yourself. I hear the pain in your post, I have lived it myself. And often, when dealing with an addict there is alot of pain to go through.

It sounds as if she is out of control. She is dr shopping, using your name fradulently and is putting her life and the children's at risk. My ex did the same and it came to a point that I confronted him, get into rehab or leave. He decided he didn't need rehab and left. Then later on he stole money from me and hocked my jewelry. So now he's earned the title of a single man as I am divorcing him.

Only she can decide to get into recovery. Only she can get and stay sober & she has to want it.
Only you can decide how much is too much to put up with. You can decide and say I will not live with an addict anymore. I will not let my children be exposed to this anymore.

I'd like to give you a suggestion if I may? And it's something I have done myself. Create a papertrail for yourself, get copies from the pharmacy showing she got meds under your name. Credit card statements, lists from pharmacies she has used showing how many scripts she has filled and when they were filled. Consult a good lawyer to find out ways to protect yourself and your children. Keep everything, be prepared to have people willing to witness that they have seen her actions, the other parents you speak of who don't allow thier children to play find out why, did they see something?

It may all sound harsh but you have to protect your children. I had to decide that it was not good for my kids to live with an active addict and only I had the power to do something about it and it was my responsibility to do it for thier well being and protection.

In a court of law if you present evidence that she is an active addict chances are you could go for full custody or at least the right to have the children stay with you. When I consulted my lawyer I took pharmacy lists, police records and everything I could to try to ensure I would be granted custody of my children. I talked to neighbors, friends and found several who were willing to stand up in court.

If nothing else consult the lawyer so you can get an idea of what needs to be done.

Have you considered attending an alanon or naranon meeting? If not please give it a try, there is help out there, do it for yourself and your kids.

I wish you nothing but the best of luck as you go through this. I can tell you that no situation is really hopeless and no problem too big to be solved. I'm living proof that there is life after living with an addict.

Hugs,
Teggie

iWeebleWobble

Thx. Good advice...didn't realize about the mail..( first post)

I've just started documenting.. I know being a dad/male is pretty tough to overcome in court( at least in Texas). So it may take me awhile

Teggie

I am in Texas too. Get you a good lawyer and a good papertrail. Nothing is impossible. Those kids need you. Do you have family around? Would they be able to help you with the kids? She doesn't sound safe to be in charge of the kids, esp the twins. My ex would be in the car with them so stoned he could barely walk. I had to swallow my pride and ask my family for help. They all pitched in to make sure the kids were taken care of while I worked. Yah single parenthood is tough, but I tell you what, active addiction is 100 X's worse.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this, addiction is a no win situation, it destroys people and destroys families without mercy. But there is hope and it starts with you.

Hugs,
Teggie

Teggie

Cynical, would you mind pm ing me those also? I am in Texas too and would appreciate the info. Thanks!

Teggie

ThatLittleGirl

Hello and Welcome to SR!!!

I also have twin daughers, and my exah is also a presciption addict...opiates, benzo's, amph's...you name it, he has probably abused it at one time or another. I spent over ten years believing it would get better...thought there was no way he would throw his life away. He has two masters degrees & several licenses through the state of Texas...over $100,000 in education. You know what??? None of that mattered...he threw it all away for his active addiction. I had to realize there's nothing I could do to stop him from being who he was...an addict. I recommend the sticky at the top of this forum titled "What Addicts Do"... It was a "light-bulb' moment for me when I read it... All his behaviors, all his attitudes (you mentioned the anger), all those things made sense in the context of that sticky. He was doing what addicts do...How could I expect anything different?

I would also emphasize getting some support...not only here at SR...but also a local group such at Al-Anon..a group of people you can call when you need advice or support. Read the stickys at the top of the forum, read the different threads, generally just get familiar with the disease of addiction. I believe knowledge is power.

But most importantly, I would contact a lawyer to find out what you can do to protect your children. I know the state of Texas has a high standard for dads...but I believe with enough documentation and a good attorney, you can overcome any obstacles where your gender is concerned. And don't be afraid to engage your family in this process...if they can help you...either with babysitting...or even with venting about the situation...the presence of them in your life will be invaluable!!!

I wish you the best...email me any time!!

ThatLittleGirl

Cynical,

Would you send it to me as well?

Thanks!!!!

nodaybut2day

This x 10.

You definitely need legal advice. Don't hesitate to "shop around" for a lawyer until you find someone who is capable of realistically telling you what to expect in terms of legal and physical custody of your children. Unfortunately, the burden may be on you to prove your wife's parental incompetence, but you can start the papertrail now by documenting everything in a journal style (point form, with time and date, and a short description of events). Pay specific attention to events which suggest that she is not in the right state of mind to properly care for her children.

I agree that you may be up against some silly gender biases, however I believe those can be overcome given the illegal nature of your AW's activities.

I also strongly suggest you find counselling for yourself, along with some Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings. You are definitely in the middle of a tornado and you'll need all the support you can get, so that you can be present and healthy for your kids!

lostdad3

Weeble,

I agree with the other posts. I was in a similiar situation and started the papertrail and just keeping notes/journal. I started all this prior to knowing of the drug use, which my wife kept hidden from me our whole relationship (13.5 years). I am in my late 30's with three children and also work in the corporate world for a financial institution.

I started documenting and keeping track of things a year or so before I found out about the drugs, as I thought it was "just" depression. I feel the same about my kids as you convey here about yours....THEY ARE MY LIFE.

In meeting with a lawyer, you will be able to get answers as to what you need to do and what you need to prove. GO SEE ONE. It helped me tremendously. The feedback I got, was that I had a very good chance of getting her removed from the house based on what I could show regarding use and her behaviour, and even a order of protection.

My wife did decide to go to in-treatment, and is in recovery. I have held off on the legal step, but get to a NARANON meeting. The legal aspect will tell you what you need from a protection of yourself and your children. The emotional stress and pain will not go away by talking to a lawyer. Focus on the you and the kids. AND BY ALL MEANS, IF NECESSARY CALL THE POLICE IF THINGS GET OUT OF HAND. DON'T HESISTATE.

I recently joined this forum, as I did not have anyone in a similiar situation as mine, now I have found someone in the very position I was/am in.

Lostdad3

DaisyBuchanan

This will help you understand better...

What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.

Kindeyes

weeble
Welcome to SR.....I'm glad you found us and I hope that you find support and comfort here.

The posters above have provided some thoughts for you that are worth consideration.

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with your wife's addiction. It's very difficult to be in a relationship with someone who is actively using. The difficulty is mutiplied when there are children involved.

I hope you stick around. Vent. Question. Search. Learn. And most of all.....take care of yourself and those kids.

gentle hugs