Frustrated

Old 11-15-2010, 02:06 PM
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Frustrated

Hi,

I'm new to this and not sure where to begin so I'll just say what I came here to say/ask. I recently called off a short term relationship with a guy who is an addict. He is addicted to pain pills and alcohol. We were together only 3 months but in that time period he stole money from me and pawned my jewelry.
After we split he spoke with me about recovery and how he was going to get help. I know that after doing a lot of research that addicts do lie. However, almost everyday for the past 3 weeks after we split he called me. He told me he was doing well and that he was taking it one day at a time. He was looking at finding AA meetings and Narcotics Anonymous meetings as well. He even went and made an appointment with and in patient/out patient rehab center. He seemed on the road to recovery and I was the friend praising him for his steps. He even suggested I buy the AA book because he was reading it and it might benefit me as well to understand what he was going through.

Then about a 1 1/2 weeks ago the phone calls started slowly getting to be less often. Then suddenly I've received nothing for a week. I have tried calling him a few times and even left him a long voice mail letting him know that I was here for him even if he was back to using again.

I have to admit, I believe I've become codependent. I have been really worked up about this and find myself wanting to go to sleep early and not really having much of an appetite. I've pretty much kept my phone glued to me. I am sure it is best that he's cut off contact with me but I can't help but be worried for him.
I guess I'm just looking to see what other's thoughts were on this situation. I feel like none of my family that knows or my friends that I've spoken to about this are of any help because they've never been involved with an addict. I've been crying a lot because I'm so worried about him but also I guess I'm sad because I miss him and our conversations. I've contemplated getting in touch with his parents (who he and his daughter currently live with) and making them aware of the situation. He has told me they are aware and he's had a long conversation with his mother but I'm starting to think it was a lie to make me happy.
I'm not sure if I'm being too vague on everything or not. This guy has been a drug addict for 15 years. He went into recovery for a year only to get into an accident break his hip and get back on pain killers. He unfortunately gets his drugs legitimately through pain management but doesn't take them as prescribed. When I first starting talking with him he told me he had been sober for a little over a year.
I guess what I'm trying to see is, should I just walk away and not get worked up or should I be the friend I promised to be and be there for him, push forward, go to his house, talk to him or his parents and let them know that now is the time to get this straight? Am I really being a friend by walking away and letting go? I just really care for this person.
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Old 11-15-2010, 02:12 PM
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I guess what I'm trying to see is, should I just walk away and not get worked up or should I be the friend I promised to be and be there for him, push forward, go to his house, talk to him or his parents and let them know that now is the time to get this straight?

As honorable as all that sounds, it's not your job. You cannot push someone into recovery; they have to want it more than anything. If he is avoiding you, it is probably because he is using again. You are much better off to just stay away from him and take some time to get your own head back together. He has already stolen money and jewelry from you. If he is using again, it's pretty much guaranteed that he'll do it again.

You deserve much more than this guy is able to offer you. It's easier to cut your losses now than to hang in there for another year or more and be all that much more entangled.
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Old 11-15-2010, 02:45 PM
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Welcome to SR........this is a safe place to gain information and insight.

At this point, your friend is not contacting you. As much as it hurts right now, it hurts far less than it will if you become even more emotionally invested in him.

Here in SR and in great groups like Naranon or Alanon, we learn about boundaries. Perhaps you could take this time to examine your own boundaries and what is or is not acceptable to you. Often it is not the fact that the addict is using but it is the behaviors that accompany the use that is unacceptable. Learning to understand and enforce your personal boundaries is a skill that you can carry throughout your life with everyone you come in contact with. Establishing healthy boundaries came a little late for me.....but better late than never.

Often there is a period of time with an addict when they are on their best behavior......it took less than three months for this man to steal from you. Addiction is a progressive disease.......it doesn't get better.......it gets worse......unless the person addicted invests a great deal of time and energy into recovery. You would be doing this man a great favor allowing him to feel the consequences of his actions......losing a terrific person (you).

Loving an addict is a very difficult path. Read. Learn. Study. And analyze yourself. If you choose to continue with this man (whether he is using or not), you'll need all of the tools and skills you can collect to deal with what lies ahead.

gentle hugs
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Old 11-15-2010, 03:22 PM
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I know what you're going through because I lived it. You can read my story here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...u-so-much.html

My advice is to walk away, feel all the emotions as you go through the heartbreak/grieving process, and then focus on yourself. Look out for you, and only you. Try to find your own happiness. Let him be an addict. You don't need that in your life. Would you tolerate a boyfriend who wasn't an addict stealing from you? Then why tolerate a boyfriend who is an addict stealing from you? You deserve better. He sounds like he's a damaged man. You can't help him. He can only help himself. *hugs*
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Old 11-15-2010, 04:11 PM
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^^ Exactly! I couldn't have said it better myself
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Old 11-15-2010, 06:09 PM
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Three months isn't long at all to be so invested in what happens to him. If he has been an addict for 15 years you can bet his family knows his issues, have seen this before.

Don't contact them. It isn't your role. Step back and let him live his life no matter how horrible you know his situation is. He is an adult. He will get help when he is ready.

I know when you have concerns about people and a bunch of strangers are saying don't have them, it is because what you describe is classic addict behaviors that others have seen and dealt with. If he hasn't contacted you, then be relieved actually. That means he at least respects you enough to tend to his mess on his own and not suck you into it. Because it will suck you in and can really cause damage (as his stealing from you indicates).

He will get help when he is ready.
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Old 11-16-2010, 06:46 AM
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Thanks everyone for the posts! You are all very right. After many days of crying and worrying I've taken steps to walk away. I no longer wait by the phone for him to call and I actually feel like just writing what I wrote yesterday made it easier. Also, by getting on here and reading other's stories I've realized that he's not worth it. It's true, what friend is he to me if he treats me that way. THANKS!!!!
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