lostfamily

I think I have lost my wife of fifteen years. She started drinking six years ago and has not been able to stop no matter what program she has been in. To make matter worse we have four young children who do not understand why their mother is not able to get better after she goes into these programs.

How long should I give her? How many times should I pay for her detox and aftercare?

mcdonald2

Not to sound cruel, but you might want to giver her an option to either get help or to leave. that is what I am doing for myself. I have talked it over with my husband and we are working on my drinking issues. I am sacred just like him.

suki44883

Welcome to SR! Please take the time to read other's stories. You are not alone.

There is no right or wrong answer to your question. It all depends on how much you are willing to live with. Of course, your children should be your first priority in this situation. What they are living with and seeing is not good for them.

If your wife has been to a 21 and 28 day program, she has the tools to recovery if that is what she wants to do. Unfortunately, regardless of how much you want her to stop drinking, or how much her children want it, treatment isn't going to do much if she, herself, doesn't want to live a sober life.

Have you considered attending Al-anon meetings? You will recieve a lot of face-to-face support there from people who have been and are exactly where you are. Also, please hang around here and post often. We are here to support you.

flutter

Hi lost, sorry for what brings you here, but you've found a really wonderful place for support. You might also want to check out the "Friends and Family of Alcoholics" forum and post this as I know there are a lot of wonderful people there that have been in your shoes, and might be able to help you help yourself in your horrible situation.

here's the link, if you want to check it out;

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

ChangeIsGood123

So sorry to hear of what you are going through. Seems like at this point maybe you need to advise her that if she does not get help she needs to leave and cannot see her children. I know it sounds tough but maybe at this point she needs to see the consiquenses of her actions. Tough love? Dunno. But I know that is one option to consider. Shes been in so many programs etc already so she does have the tools she needs, but why use them if you are there to just pay for it once again. Probably not an easy thing to think about doing since obviously you love her very much. Hang around here I am sure will get tons more advice and support.

Ten0fnine

Hi, and welcome.

Flip a coin. Heads, you continue to care for her. Tails, you change what you can and move on. In the moment that the coin is hovering in mid-air, you will know which side you are hoping comes up.

Aside from that, nobody can really answer that question for you. Some people are naturally caregivers. Other people struggle with the emotional investment.

The only thing I can offer from first-hand experience, is to consider the children. What they are seeing. What they are learning. How it will affect their lives and relationships in the future... And ultimately, what you can do about it.

The decisions your facing are incredibly difficult and heart wrenching. I've been there.

I chose to take my daughters, and I've not regretted it.

stellaloella

I'm in a situation similar to yours. However, I'm the alcoholic mother and my husband is moving away with my daughter. I am going to move to the same town to be close to them. He still loves me but enough is enough and I need to demonstrate that I'm getting better before he will deal with me. I hate it and I'm under so much stress that all I want to do is drink. I'm struggling tremendously but I think he's done the right thing by lighting a fire under my ass, so to speak. I need to make these changes inside myself and realize my responsibility in the situation. I want to succeed but I know I've made some really bad choices and I need to look at the consequences. I am hoping for a fresh start in our new town. Take care of yourself and do whatever you need to do.

Dee74

Hi lostfamily

I'm really sorry to hear of your situation. I agree with Suki it comes down to how much you are prepared to put up with - what your personal boundary is.

I hope you will check out our Family and Friends boards, and maybe AlAnon too.
I think support is vital, not matter what side of the fence you're on.

I wish you and your family the best
D

lostfamily

I have not been to AlAnon yet though many people have encouraged me to do so. When I think of everything that has happened it is hard to keep the tears out of my eyes. It seems as though everything I have worked for in my life is slowly being torn apart.

Just on Saturday night I went to a party for my son and my four year old girl had to go to the bathroom. So I have to ask another mother in the group to take my five and four year old girls to the restroom. It might sound small but it bothers me now that I am alone and a father of four young children.

DayTrader

Until I started to feel real pain.....pain that wasn't going to go away on it's own...pain that someone couldn't / wouldn't step in and relieve me of....there was no way I'd get sober. So long as I could live through the pain, I wasn't going to stop - period.

I can't answer your question for you but it's somewhere between "you did WAY too much already and are actually encouraging the behavior" and "until you've sold everything and burned every last cent." I know.....there's little help in there. Questions like that are beyond, IMO, human ability to answer. I need to go to the God of my understanding for massively important stuff like that.

I'd also hiiiiiiiiiiiighly recommend Alanon....now....ASAP.

I see no benefit in continuing a relationship that she obviously doesn't care about (judged by her actions.....although her mind may say otherwise). From where I sit, she's in control...she get's to do what she wants, you come to the rescue, and if things really get bad, you send her off to another detox which, unfortunately will never be able to give her a lifetime of sobriety.

Anna

I am very sorry for what you are going through.

You've gotten lots of good advice here, and I hope that you take care of yourself and your children.

Demut

Yup, I'm the drunk mom in this story as well. Ten years ago I put some serious sober time together, this following an ultimatum. With three treatment programs behind me I had one choice, get sober and be a mom or continual the downward spiral. If I were to choose the latter, it was made clear to me that I would be doing so ALONE; there will be no support, not contact, no phone calls, no nothing. And this is what was best for the children. Frankly, it's not about the drunk wife anymore - it was about my kids. So, choices. In and out of treatment programs (which some may consider a reprieve from parenting and life's responsibilities ends up being a situation where I would have been enabled. Enabled to continue creating wreckage everywhere. I mean what's the incentive to stop drinking?? Had I not been given that ultimatum (and known that they were dead serious about following through) I could have seen myself drinking myself to death, and this is the thing the alanon person forgets. My recent relapse, then, was a result, for me anyhow, of leaving the program of AA. A true testimony of what we're taught. If we're to relapse, we will pick up right where we left off, though experience a set of consequences worse than before. So, today, I attend meetings and I'm the one in the rooms reminding those with 30 60 365+ days sober just where they'll be if they choose to pick up.

And that's how it works ~ if ya work it.

least

Please do seek support for yourself and your parental duties. Both in AlAnon and also our F and F forum here.

Welcome to the family!