NEOMARXIST

Much of the feelings and thoughts that I get in my recovery at times I find very difficult to articulate. I think I also found this in my drinking days too. I guess it's like the story in the big book about how may times did you find yourself drinking again and then be not able to give a straight answer as to why you ended up getting wasted again? so hard to explain in words. I try to describe certain feelings and thoughts/emotions at times and really struggle to be able to put them into any coherent words/sentences.
Maybe it's because they're new experinces and emotions that I never really felt before? Or certainly not like this as even when i wasn't drinking then I was thinking like an alcoholic.

I have experienced such profound experinces/thoughts/moments of clarity from when i was in the depths of my alcoholism. Lots of the profound feelings I experinced when I was in police cells or coming out of blackout at 6am randomly walking around and then lying down in shopping centres and getting moved on and then waiting until the off-licenses opened so i could get another drunk on. I just remember the saying that "nobody wants to know you when you're down and out" seeming so true. It's so easy to get caught up in stuff but then so easy to fall of the radar and then nobody wants to know and would just say how stupid you were.

I guess then it's easy to progress on your journey and introduce new situations and mix with a different group of people and then your perspective can get skewed somewhat. Regardless of the group of people then I know how easy it would be to fall off the radar and go from somebody who on paper is doing all the right things to somebody sitting on a bench who is totally hopeless. I guess that's the difference between myself and other people, that I realise how easy it would be for me too fall of the radar and descend into alcoholic chaos leading to destruction of my life and the desolation of my family.

An alcoholic causes so much pain and sufffering to their immediate family. I know for me how much pain and suffering I must have caused to my parents witnessing me off my rocker all the time and descending lower and lower. I stay sober for myself ultimately but I'm aware that if i was to ever pick up a drink again then i would destroy my parents. I have no intention of doing this 'just for today'. I am grateful for my sobiety and recovery, my head can wear me out at times but then again I guess it's because i ain't never had to experince life like I do now; sober and honestly.

I must always remember where I came from and for me then I remember when signing on at the job centre seemed like too much of a bind. I nearly just stopped doing that and that's the extent of how unmanageable my life was.

I guess the progressive nature of alcoholism is such that the last place my drinking took me, which was drinking alone on park benches, would be the natural place i would pick up from, not that I'm going to of course. I always liked drinking alone but the thought of drinking on a bench wouldn;t have crossed my mind. I remember sitting in a doorway in town one afternoon and just having a moment of clarity as to how alcoholism naturally takes you down. For some reason I could see so clearly as to why people drink alone on benches and found myself doing the same. Also the level of my alcoholism ie- tolerance, would start off exactly where i left off too, certainly in my head. It truly is a case of once and alkie always an alkie, certainly for this alkie anyway.

Thanks SR, Peace

shaun00

Thats a class share......thanks..

Ten0fnine

Wow. Thank you for the insight.

yeahgr8

Yeah good post man...would be great if everyone got it but few do...

AWOL

Thanks for this great post Neo. You have a talent for writing and reasoning, and I think the latter will ultimately triumph in your uplifting and courageous journey through sobriety.

Kjell

I agree w/ AWOL Neo.

Please keep writing. You've got a gift my friend. You probably always had it before alcohol discolored your talent.

It's a pleasure reading your thoughts and easy to relate.

Kjell

stellaloella

This is a very meaningful post. I relate to all of it. Thanks for sharing.

NEOMARXIST

I know what I am, I'm an alcoholic and addict. Of course I'm many other things too but if I ever forgot the former about myself then anything else that I am would just be a waste of time anyway. It would count for nothing as I aimed to drink myself to death.

I am a grateful alcoholic. I know my path that I'm on is the right one and I would also know that if i ever strayed from the path then ultimately it would be the worng path, in that I would end up losing everything very quickly.

Grateful to be an alcoholic and addict. When merely getting out of bed was a serious struggle, then it's all good.
peace

Stayinfree

You sum up almost exactly what I feel...............for the first time I too, feel grateful to be an alcoholic,and I never, ever want to forget that.

Thanks Neo