I feel like I'm addicted to a crack addict...

Old 11-14-2010, 10:09 PM
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I feel like I'm addicted to a crack addict...

I have just left my crack addict boyfriend of the last 3 years. The first year, if he used, I had no idea. He had undergone a geographical rehab when I met him, and it wasn't until he moved back to his hometown, across the country, that he fell back into the habit noticably. I found out, while we were apart, that the man I had fallen in love with and been with for the past year had this serious addiction. Trust me... I was FLOORED. Being naive and thinking I could help him conquer the addiction, I moved across the country to be with him instead of leaving him forever. After all, I loved him and still do love him so much.

After I moved in with him, he was fine for a month. Then out of nowhere, he started an argument one night which seemed very irrational to me. He ran away for the first time with me around the next day. When he is not using, he is extremely charming and loveable, but then he will just disappear and not show up again for 24-72 hours. The first few months I would threaten to leave him every time he ran away, but never followed through, as he would be "good" for a couple of weeks and say he wanted to quit. He started going to AA meetings and a counselor. That ended when he ran away during Christmas, while I was out of town, with his sponsor.

The last couple of years are kind of a blur of him running away, showing up again, apologizing for disappointing everyone, saying he hated himself, and then running away again a week or two later. He actually just "let me go" (his own words) and told me I had sacrificed enough of myself for him. I never had the courage to leave him on my own. I thought about it all the time, especially while he was nowhere to be found. Well, less than 2 weeks after I left he's had another woman and her son move in. The boy went to my ex's school (yes, it is sick that he is around children all day everyday) and the woman is this boy's single mother. She is kind of (WAY) trashy and I'm not really sure what the relationship is between the two of them. He says that she's just his roommate, which may be entirely true, because then she would be paying him some kind of rent or at least help with the utilities. I know he would love the extra money. Thing is.. there are only 2 bedrooms and the woman's son has one of them. He told me he has been sleeping on the couch, but I don't know what the truth is. The only reason I even know she moved in with him is because his mother told me. He lied to me and told me that we shouldn't speak for a while because I was having trouble "letting go". Despite his addiction, he is my best friend. I told him that basically ignoring me would be the worst thing he could do to me right now, as I've stopped talking to pretty much all of my friends over the past couple of years. I think that this woman who's moved in with him overheard one of our arguements over the phone and heard me call him a crackhead and begging him to continue on the plan he had when I left town, which was going to rehab. After that, the only time we spoke he made sure to be a TOTAL dick to me (and I do not call anyone names lightly) in front of her. He will not return my calls or texts since. He spoke to my sister earlier this week and told her that he loved me and was ignoring me for my own good, as if he knows what's good for anyone. I wish it didn't bother me that this woman was now in his life, in any capacity, but it SO does. I was still holding onto a belief that he will go to rehab, realize what he had, and come back to win me over. As much as I still want that, I am slowly accepting that it will probably never happen and if it does, it is up to HIM to go get help.

If he is now having some kind of inappropriate relationship with that woman, I'm sure she will realize soon enough that his behavior is irratic and abnormal, especially after hearing me call him a crack addict. If she really is just his roommate, it may take longer for her to catch on, but I think even a roommate would realize eventually that something was amiss. Even though she is trashy (by that I mean she bounces from man to man with her giant fake boobs) and desperate (9 years my senior and unabashedly always trying to get attention from men as long as I've seen her around) I don't think she'd want her son living with a crack addict. This is why I'm glad she heard me call him a crackhead, but I'm pretty sure he probably told her I was crazy or something. I know her son, who is 13-14 years old, from the school and he is a really good kid with problems already because his mother is not such a great mother. As much as I want her to know about my ex's problem, for the sake of her son, I feel like it is probably not my place to try to get in touch with her and let her know. It wouldn't be right in a normal situation for me to go say bad things about my ex to a possible new woman/roommate (hopefully roommate) in his life, but I don't know what the rules are in this FAR from normal situation. I don't know what he's said to her about me, so I'm not even sure she would hear me out.

***Quick side-note question for any users out there (if you've actually read this far.. sorry, I know I'm writing a novel)***
Does Crack use make you really horny and promiscious? While I was with him, he slowly seemed to become completely disinterested in sex after a while. I wasn't sure if this was because he just became bored with me, if he was seeing someone else on the side, or it was just the weekly crack abuse catching up with him. I know it's sick, but it keeps me up wondering if he's getting high and coming back to our old bed to have sex with her. I think he's falling deeper into the addiction now that I'm not there to babysit him anymore. He said he always gets paranoid when he's using and just drives around nonstop or goes to a park. Don't know how much of anything he told me is true though.

He has fought this battle for a long time, but unfortunately I just don't think the consequences are great enough for him to fight hard enough to quit. His mother owns the school he works at and the home he lives in. She is well aware of his problem, but looks the other way if he can keep it from everyone else. Obviously, losing me wasn't enough of a deterrent to make him stop.. in fact, I think he prefers me gone. Now, there's no one to get in the way of him using, or let his friends or family know he is. It's so pathetic, but I wish he would just call me. It;s driving me crazy that he won't talk to me.
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Old 11-14-2010, 10:33 PM
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Also, I keep reading and hearing that crack addicts can never recover or go on to live healthy lives. Are they doomed to be slaves to the drug forever once they are hooked? Does anyone know a crack addict who's recovered and has stayed/is staying sober for a long period of time?
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Old 11-15-2010, 06:23 AM
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Hello I have no experience with crack but have experience with an AH and his DOC is heroin. I am not sure if you are working on you at all through this so I would like to tell you my experience. I am currently seeing a counselor once a week, going to two Alanon meetings a week, reading, A lecture once a week and coming online here. This is the kind of work I needed to do for me to become healthier and happier and everyday I feel a little more balanced. I have my days that I feel I have stepped backwards but I pick up and keep going. I am hoping you will consider going to some meetings it gives great insight for you. YOU are who you need to be thinking of and helping. I will be thinking and praying for you. HUGS
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Old 11-15-2010, 07:37 AM
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Welcome to SR......I'm glad you found us.

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with the emotional he77 that loving an addict can bring with it. Your post screams how badly you are hurting right now. Unfortunately the best way to get through the pain is to move forward right on through it. But it does take time.

You've spent a great deal of your time and energy trying to "heal" someone else. What we learn here on SR (and through great programs like Alanon or Naranon) is that we just can't control another person's addiction. If love could cure it, none of us would be here because we all love the addicts in our lives so very much.

So what can you do? It sounds a little crazy but......you can begin healing yourself. You've been on a rough road for the time that you have been with your boyfriend and perhaps it's time for you to spend the same amount of energy on someone you can help.....you.

There's a great book called "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It is probably the most recommended book in this forum because it helps us recognize some traits in ourselves that are not healthy for us (or the addicts in our lives).

It's time to take care of you.......

gentle hugs
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Old 11-15-2010, 01:17 PM
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hi - it definitely sounds like you have been through a horrible experience. I think when you live it day to day you really don't realize how bad it is until you step away. One of the most impossible things to do is to understand crack abuse if you aren't a user. I'm grateful that I never tried it or wanted to try it.

People that get sober from this drug are just done with it and do everything that they need to do to put that into place. It truly means changing everything. And it is something that is never done because someone else wants them to do it - it's only because they have hit their bottom.

Unfortunately, that bottom isn't going to be reached as long as he knows that you are there and can be cajoled into taking him back and forgiving him. Catch 22, huh? We keep thinking that there is some way to "do it" and make it work the same way that they probably feel about crack.

People can recover from crack abuse but only if they really do EVERYTHING that it takes. It is rare for that to happen however. I have read some really sad statistics - like 3% of crack users stay sober. I don't know if it is that low but I know that it is bad.

My husband used for 20 years and did the absolutely most deplorable things a person can do. He lived in a crack house for a year, destroyed his family, lost his business, got arrested, etc. He has been sober for 5+ years but does not work a program any longer (and hasn't for the last 3 1/2 years). I thought that his getting sober was the trick - but I was really wrong about that. Just because he was sober didn't mean that he acted better. In fact, he was actually more tolerable when he was using.

I'm sorry for your pain but it will continue unless you begin to take care of you. When you ask do people ever recover from crack I hear you looking for reasons to stay with him. Maybe they do recover but it's rarely around the people that they were with while they were using. Just a sad truth. It is a drug that causes so much damage - and it definitely has long term consequences.

The experience, strength, and hope that I have to share with you is that taking care of yourself, working your own program, developing boundaries, having consequences and sticking to them are what will set you free. Trying to find a way to stick with him is not nearly as productive as taking care of yourself and developing your own life.

Short term pain for long term gain.........a life without an addict or living with the fear of relapse.....sure sound better than what you are going through.
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Old 11-15-2010, 01:37 PM
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Hey. .I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. Let me just say been there, done that. I have to say that I agree with Kindeyes here. .the best thing for you to do is to let go and begin to heal yourself. I know it hurts to think of your ex with someone else but it's how it is and as far as "warning" her about his addiction, for all you know she probably uses too. This hope you have for him to come back is only keeping you in this same situation, hurt and hoping for something that will more than likely be the exact same if you were to reconcile, even after rehab. My exspouse the addict went to rehab twice and is out there right now probably using Meth. .the important thing is that I'm not obsessing about it anymore, I had to learn to let the addict deal with their own addiction or not. It really has nothing at all to do with us. .it's time to heal yourself and move on. All that wandering how he is and guilt you feel is codependency and the book codependency no more is what you need. It has done wanders!! Best of luck to you and again I'm sorry. .loving an addict is hard, to stop loving one is even harder.

Nena
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Old 11-15-2010, 02:16 PM
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I couldnt give advices at all on the issue but as Nena said it has nothing to do with you.it's about him.he must hit bottom to think about getting clean. you must stay away until then.i heard this many times but now i realise i shouldv'e listened because sticking around and fighting a battle that's not yours sucks you dry and causes you alot of frustration,pain and depression ,you have no power over him or his addiction ,you cant control the way he acts or stop the words and actions that hurt you ,i understand its so hard for you the fact that he is living with some other woman but its nothing you have power over ,its the choices he make that shape his life and its outcome,same for you so make sure you make the right choices.
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Old 11-15-2010, 02:22 PM
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run don't walk, before he ruins your life, your health, your finances , your soul.please. from one who knows
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Old 11-29-2010, 10:34 PM
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Thank You All For Your Kind Words

Thank you all so much. It's been so difficult trying to let him go. My head knows it's right and good for me, but my heart won't let me stop thinking about him. I still love him so much, but am starting to remember who I was before he ever came along. I'm pretty sure I loved myself more at one point. It's just gotten so hard to even remember who I was before all of this craziness with with his addiction, and now it's a little depressing to think of the years it feels like I've wasted with him.

He says my time was not wasted and I had a huge impact upon his life. However, I have learned that since I've left, he's fallen much deeper into his addiction than he ever did while I was still around. This new woman, his "roommate", has no idea. She apparently told his mother that he may be bipolar. Sure, a crack-induced state of bipolar disorder maybe. He and I are speaking again, and he is super happy and excited one minute and then a couple of hours later calls and is all depressed. When I ask him if everything is alright or point out the fact that he seems really down, he has to go RIGHT AWAY. It makes me so sad knowing what he's doing to himself. Today, he told me there was a small fire at his house. Apparently, his pants spontaneously combusted. This finally gives meaning to the old saying "liar liar pants on fire" to me. When I insisted that spontaneous combustion was a myth, and fires must be started by something, he tried telling me that he had a lighter in the pocket of one of his pants and the sun must have heated it up. Hm.. whatever.

He's so terrific when he's sane. I just don't get it. I never will. I just pray that one day he gets help and gets better. I will keep him & all of you who have gone through horrible experiences, and all of you who are fighting your own battles to change in my prayers. This forum is a God-send... truly.
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Old 11-30-2010, 06:52 AM
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Originally Posted by SkyLight View Post

He's so terrific when he's sane. I just don't get it. I never will.
He's not sane. He's an addict.
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Old 11-30-2010, 08:09 AM
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IMO, you haven't wasted years. You've come to a very valuable realization about yourself and the kind of relationship you tend to get involved in. Take some time to reflect on this. Read Codependent No More. And please take some time to yourself, away from him and his toxicity.
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Old 11-30-2010, 08:41 AM
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Welcome!!!

Hey, I know that story.

Someone pointed out to me quite some time ago that the 'relationship' bore the hallmarks of an addiction more than anything else.

And on some level I knew this for an extended period of time, like her, I couldn't give up my particular doc, had to hit a bottom first.

And there were times when I thought I had hit a bottom, but there are bottoms, and there are even lower bottoms. Mine was pretty low.

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
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Old 11-30-2010, 10:17 AM
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Welcome to SR!

I'm a recovering crack addict, and I left my XABF, who continued to do crack. He was the third XABF, all of whom had substance abuse issues, and I was as addicted to them as I was to the crack. That part of it is called codependence, and SR has helped me, a LOT, on working a recovery for my codependence.

To answer your question, yes, crack does make a lot of men want sex. It's how XABF encouraged me to try it in the first place - "oh, sex is awesome on crack!" Yeah, well he forgot the part about how it makes some men unable to perform, yet they still want it.

I went from being a highly certified RN to stealing drugs from my place of employment, two days after I smoked crack the first time. I eventually ended up on the streets, prostituting myself for crack.

HOWEVER, I also have over 3-1/2 years in recovery, so yes, we can and do recover, but for most of us, it takes a lot of harsh consequences to get to that point. Mine included jail.

No one, no matter how much they love someone, can get an A (addict) to quit, unless they really want it. However, when I was left in jail, I did get enough clean time to at least get my head sort of straightened out, and will forever be grateful to my family for leaving me there. I dug the pit of despair I was in, and it was up to me to get myself out of it. That makes my recovery even more precious.

As for XABF#3, he continued to smoke crack and do whatever else came along. He died a year ago. I am sad, but I also know that my leaving him was best for both of us. I couldn't have saved him and he was okay with bringing me back down to the life I'd worked so hard to get out of.

Please read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty. I should have learned after the first XABF that I was a codie, but I didn't. I've spent more than half of my 49 years in really, really dysfunctional relationships.

As for his relationship with this other woman? Don't even go there. You don't think like an A does, and when we're using, we're all about getting what we want...whether it's someone to let us do our thing and not nag us, or sex, money, dope....whatever. You will never understand his thinking, unless you're an A. It's an exercise in futility.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 11-30-2010, 09:04 PM
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Hey SkyLight,

I'm brand new to this site. My husband is a meth addict; I so foolishly ignored all the signs - I knew nothing about drugs. I threw him out three days ago and it hurts SO much - I know what you mean... I keep thinking of him, how wonderful he was before meth. At this point I even miss the casual user of meth. He has been a heavy user for a year, and an absolute BEAR to live with. I kicked him out earlier this year upon discovery of the drugs, and that is when I educated myself on meth. But I was still stupid. He cleaned up his act for a little bit before I let him move back in. Because he blew his second chance, we are done permanently. I can't live like this anymore. I wish to god this never happened to me. Or him. My world is turned upside down. I'm shellshocked.

Yesterday I was wondering if I'd ever feel happiness again.

Today is better. I cried less.

I have this deep ache inside when I think about loving an addict. I think it's the painful longing for him to change SO, SO badly.

You're going to learn from this experience. You'll be stronger. And the next guy in your life hopefully won't put you through this!
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Old 11-30-2010, 10:18 PM
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I hear your frustration and pain. I'm addicted to my addict, too. I have come to the realization that my behavior parallels the addicts behavior. My addict is my daughter. I have gotten so much help in my Al-Anon and Nar-Anon meetings! I thought I was going to get help in learning how to "fix" my daughter. Instead, I learned that...I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it." The addict has to want to get well themselves. Anything I do to try to make her stop actually works just the opposite. It pushes her further into her journey. Instead, I needed to find out how to respond...or not respond...to my daughter's behavior. Progress is taking place and I have moments of serenity now as I'm sure you will when you start your own recovery. I have been pleasantly surprised to find out that I have been able to apply what I have learned to other situations in my life, too. Not just with my addict. I'm a better person as a result and hope you will find your own peace. Welcome to SR. There's a lot of love and wisdom to be shared here. I'm a newcomer, too.
Hugs!
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Old 12-01-2010, 09:42 PM
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Welcome to SR,

I am sorry to hear yet another person has been terrorized by the evil monster CRACK. It stuck our family too, my husband now ex-husband. We were married for 17 years with 2 sons when he started this. Believe me I know only to well the hurt and upset you are going through right now. All of the endless nights of no sleep and worry. This is a living nightmare of a world when someone you love is in the midst of addiction.

As for any relations, I think in the beginning they are really promisscious, but the pro-longed use does start to play havic. It can do perminant damage to their bodies organs, plus it is altering their brain. All things they once enjoyed become of no use to them, they have a one track mind and that is getting the dope and using. It is not that they don't love us, it has nothing to do with us, this drug just takes over. I have never in my life seen anything like it. Sadly it does take us down to, it takes time to understand what is happening, time to realize we can't do anything to change it and time to realize we have to let go.

Keep posting, Rose
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