struggling with what to do with AS wanting to come home
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struggling with what to do with AS wanting to come home
mixed thoughts about what to do about AS, who is addicted to heroin. He's living with girlfriend and her family now, but they're tiring of his using. He does ok for a while, got a job, but as soon as he has money he uses. They're ready to ask him to leave. He wants to come back to stay with me and my 19 yr old son. Reason he left before is because he refused to go forward with rehab after a 10 day detox I paid for.
He is in total denial from what I hear from girlfriend. He uses sporadically, and thus doesn't think he's strung out. He's been spending money like water. He's been going to work, but not sure if he went to work high. Says he doesn't like the job. Wants to get a job close to where I live.
He lies to me about using. Says he doesn't have time for that now. Yet, about a month or two ago he'd been here and was definitely high. Doesn't sound like heroin is out of his life yet and not sure he wants it to be.
About to face what to do when he asks to come back here. I still feel rehab is probably best for him since he can't handle having money. Winds up spending it, I think, on drugs, according to girlfriend.
I hate to see him in the streets. it only fuels his reason to use. He'll probably wind up getting arrested again. He's already blowing probation. I'm also afraid he might overdose, since his way of dealing with things when they don't go well is to further deny and escape, rather than face reality and deal.
I know he has to want to stop, and I'm not sure that he does right now. His contacts keep calling him when they're 'in pocket' which I really hate.
If he wants to come back here he'll probably have to give up his job, which he'll probably lose eventually anyway, cause it's so far away. I can insist on outpatient and meetings, but, bottom line is, if he's not ready to stop, it won't do any good.
I don't want to turn my back on him. I know everyone here says its best to not let them in if they're using and let them hit their bottom. (Best for the addict and the family member)
Isn't there some way to help an addict see the error of their ways without hitting rock bottom. He already has...been homeless, been in jail, has several felonies. Many of his dreams are shattered. He doesn't feel he can rise above it and follow his dreams. He is a good person, but is sick from this disease. Sending him away will only get him arrested again or overdose.
I feel, if I insist on rehab and therapy as a condition for him returning here that maybe I can handle it. However, it won't do any good if he doesn't want it.
I'm open to ideas and feedback. However, how many addicted children, age 20-25 have ever really gotten it when their families sent them into the streets?
He is in total denial from what I hear from girlfriend. He uses sporadically, and thus doesn't think he's strung out. He's been spending money like water. He's been going to work, but not sure if he went to work high. Says he doesn't like the job. Wants to get a job close to where I live.
He lies to me about using. Says he doesn't have time for that now. Yet, about a month or two ago he'd been here and was definitely high. Doesn't sound like heroin is out of his life yet and not sure he wants it to be.
About to face what to do when he asks to come back here. I still feel rehab is probably best for him since he can't handle having money. Winds up spending it, I think, on drugs, according to girlfriend.
I hate to see him in the streets. it only fuels his reason to use. He'll probably wind up getting arrested again. He's already blowing probation. I'm also afraid he might overdose, since his way of dealing with things when they don't go well is to further deny and escape, rather than face reality and deal.
I know he has to want to stop, and I'm not sure that he does right now. His contacts keep calling him when they're 'in pocket' which I really hate.
If he wants to come back here he'll probably have to give up his job, which he'll probably lose eventually anyway, cause it's so far away. I can insist on outpatient and meetings, but, bottom line is, if he's not ready to stop, it won't do any good.
I don't want to turn my back on him. I know everyone here says its best to not let them in if they're using and let them hit their bottom. (Best for the addict and the family member)
Isn't there some way to help an addict see the error of their ways without hitting rock bottom. He already has...been homeless, been in jail, has several felonies. Many of his dreams are shattered. He doesn't feel he can rise above it and follow his dreams. He is a good person, but is sick from this disease. Sending him away will only get him arrested again or overdose.
I feel, if I insist on rehab and therapy as a condition for him returning here that maybe I can handle it. However, it won't do any good if he doesn't want it.
I'm open to ideas and feedback. However, how many addicted children, age 20-25 have ever really gotten it when their families sent them into the streets?
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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It won't do any good if he doesn't want it. You might feel better temporarily knowing he's there if he will even stay, many run away or leave AMA. He has to hit his bottom. Hit a circumstance he doesn't like that helps him to realize that living the way he's living isn't working. Experience is the best teacher for him. If you tell someone in denial all that could or would happen to them if they keep on using, they will rationalize it won't happen to them. I wish you did not have to deal with this but he has to work this out. I know for me the harder people tried to push me the further away from help I went. I knew when people were trying to manipulate me into doing something I did not want to do, so I resisted, I did not want to be controlled, ironically drugs were controlling me.
I was lucky that my bottom was just losing my career and job, I did not lose my family. I never had to live in the streets. Each addicts bottom is different. What would be mine would not be another addicts bottom.
I hope you can find the strength to let him find his path. It has to be hard to be walking that walk for you. I am so sorry for what I put my family thru. My prayers to you.
I was lucky that my bottom was just losing my career and job, I did not lose my family. I never had to live in the streets. Each addicts bottom is different. What would be mine would not be another addicts bottom.
I hope you can find the strength to let him find his path. It has to be hard to be walking that walk for you. I am so sorry for what I put my family thru. My prayers to you.
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vaya
I understand the inner turmoil you are feeling right now. It's really tough.
I got of the way and let my son live on the streets, couch surf, live in his car. His drug of choice is meth--but he had recently ventured into heroin. Letting go was the hardest thing I've ever done. I dealt with his threats of suicide and had to try to maintain my own sanity. It was horrible. I had to accept that I was not in control of him and that I wasn't responsible for whatever happened to him. But it hurt me to the very core of my being.
He's in treatment (inpatient) right now. He told me that letting him experience homelessness was the best thing I could have done for him. I don't know if he'll stay sober. It isn't my job to ensure that he will but I like to think that because I got out of God's way, he has a chance.
I can't tell you what to do. Only you know what you can and cannot live with and our decisions also have ramifications. I can tell you that you are not alone. That there are so many other mothers (including me) who understand the anguish you feel.
Please.....take care of yourself.....trying to control our children's addiction can make us quite sick.
gentle hugs
I understand the inner turmoil you are feeling right now. It's really tough.
I got of the way and let my son live on the streets, couch surf, live in his car. His drug of choice is meth--but he had recently ventured into heroin. Letting go was the hardest thing I've ever done. I dealt with his threats of suicide and had to try to maintain my own sanity. It was horrible. I had to accept that I was not in control of him and that I wasn't responsible for whatever happened to him. But it hurt me to the very core of my being.
He's in treatment (inpatient) right now. He told me that letting him experience homelessness was the best thing I could have done for him. I don't know if he'll stay sober. It isn't my job to ensure that he will but I like to think that because I got out of God's way, he has a chance.
I can't tell you what to do. Only you know what you can and cannot live with and our decisions also have ramifications. I can tell you that you are not alone. That there are so many other mothers (including me) who understand the anguish you feel.
Please.....take care of yourself.....trying to control our children's addiction can make us quite sick.
gentle hugs
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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Oh, mama...hugs to you. This is so, so difficult and goes against every fiber in our being.
However my first inclination would be to keep this trouble as far away from your other son as possible. Preferably on another PLANET...but since that's not likely, at least out of the house.
This is a very dangerous situation. No matter how grounded and mature your 19 yr old is, the influence of an older brother - whom he may look up to just because of the dynamics of that relationship - is great.
I'd be scared senseless.
Who knows which time of not helping them is going to bring them to their knees. It might be THIS time that you say no. It might be next, or the next...but you'll never find out until you do and stick to your decisions.
I worry, too...that my addict will become so depressed and hurt by MY actions that it will send her over the edge of sanity and reason. We are definitely in a seemingly no-win game.
However my first inclination would be to keep this trouble as far away from your other son as possible. Preferably on another PLANET...but since that's not likely, at least out of the house.
This is a very dangerous situation. No matter how grounded and mature your 19 yr old is, the influence of an older brother - whom he may look up to just because of the dynamics of that relationship - is great.
I'd be scared senseless.
Who knows which time of not helping them is going to bring them to their knees. It might be THIS time that you say no. It might be next, or the next...but you'll never find out until you do and stick to your decisions.
I worry, too...that my addict will become so depressed and hurt by MY actions that it will send her over the edge of sanity and reason. We are definitely in a seemingly no-win game.
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Naturally parents want to protect their children, I know info with my little ones. But sometimes the right decision isn't always the easy one to make (ie letting live on the streets or go back to jail). But you really do need to think of your other son. Like Youwillbe mentioned your 19 may look up to his older brother. What if your other son brought his stuff in your house and the 19 year old finds it and gets curious enough to try it. Consider that, then you'll have two sons hooked on heroin. I've never dabbled in shot up heroin before, but an addiction is an addiction just a different venue. I had to hit a vouple of bottoms to get into recovery. You honestly have to let him hit his bottom as scary as it may sound. Otherwise you'd just be doing yourself and him a huge injustice. Maybe jail is the best thing for him right now. It will give him time to detox, and you said he's on probation, so a violation wouldbprobaly put him away for at least a month or so. You are already well aware that you can't make him stop, he has to be willing to make that decision on his own. Sitting in a cell leaves you plenty of time to think. Sometimes tough love, is the best love. I wish you well on this horrific journey and I sincerely hope that your son will wake up and see what he is doing to himself, you and his little bro. I can't imagine that he likes seeing what who I would imagine was his role model growing is doing with his life.
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vaya, as a mother too Two ASs and as a wife to an addict trust I know your pain
My oldest AS is 25 and schizoeffective, we have been told for years he needs group home living, he is currently in jail for stealing and some other things, when he gets out I have no choice but to put him back in a motel which is riddem with drugs and he I am sure will go right back to them.
For, clarifacation he gets SSI, and I am his payee, I had them remove me and when he could not find another one they put me back on without even asking me.
That breaks my heart, he has not hit his rock bottom and has been in jail more times than I can count. When AH and I were living together I did one of the hardest things in my life I dropped my son at the local mission on Mothers day.
My other As has overdosed before and I had to do CPR on him at home, he almost didn't make it.
He is back using. Please trust what the others before me have said and use the tough love, I saw someone here say we can love our addict to DEATH and they are right.
If we do not stand out of their way they may never hit that bottom. Everyones bottom is different. Unfournately manys bottom is death.
Please find a support group in your area if you have not done so. When we give birth to our children we certainly never think this, is how it willl turn out.
From on mother to another BIG hugs, ultimately only you can decide what you can live with... I know in my case I can not live being an enabler. I have tried that dosen't work.
I hope the best for your family.
My oldest AS is 25 and schizoeffective, we have been told for years he needs group home living, he is currently in jail for stealing and some other things, when he gets out I have no choice but to put him back in a motel which is riddem with drugs and he I am sure will go right back to them.
For, clarifacation he gets SSI, and I am his payee, I had them remove me and when he could not find another one they put me back on without even asking me.
That breaks my heart, he has not hit his rock bottom and has been in jail more times than I can count. When AH and I were living together I did one of the hardest things in my life I dropped my son at the local mission on Mothers day.
My other As has overdosed before and I had to do CPR on him at home, he almost didn't make it.
He is back using. Please trust what the others before me have said and use the tough love, I saw someone here say we can love our addict to DEATH and they are right.
If we do not stand out of their way they may never hit that bottom. Everyones bottom is different. Unfournately manys bottom is death.
Please find a support group in your area if you have not done so. When we give birth to our children we certainly never think this, is how it willl turn out.
From on mother to another BIG hugs, ultimately only you can decide what you can live with... I know in my case I can not live being an enabler. I have tried that dosen't work.
I hope the best for your family.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
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I am in so much pain from going through this with my AH and cannot begin to imagine having to experience this with my child. My heart and prayers are going out to you. I have to agree with the other posts that you have another child to consider in this situation. Have you looked into if there are any sober living houses in your area along with a treatment plan? I know that you may be doing his work for him, but I have gotten all that information ready for my AH if he cannot get it together with his current treatment plan. Will be thinking and praying for you and your family.
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This stuff is so hard for mothers...gosh, I can't think of anything worse than going against the most basic instinct mom's have of protecting our kids.
I'm pretty sure that a heroin addict never uses sporadically, if they did they would be dope sick when they weren't using. That aside, I would not advise you to let him move back in with you. Whether treatment would work or not, not one of us can say...but it's worth a try. If you tell him he can't come back home unless he does some intense inpatient rehab first and he turns you down, well...then he can find other options on how to live. Personally, I couldn't turn my AS away without offering him the chance to get help for himself. This doesn't mean that you pay for his rehab, it just means maybe printing him out contact information for inpatient treatment that is available. Depending on what state you live in, there are usually programs addicts can get into at no cost to them. Really, who can say if he will finally 'get it' while in treatment. Plenty of addicts go into treatment not really wanting to go and some do end up 'getting it' while there. The lives of our children are worth the chance IMHO.
I don't know if you have a faith in a Higher Power, but if you do...this is when you have to Let go and Let God...you may be amazed at what he has in store for your son
I'm pretty sure that a heroin addict never uses sporadically, if they did they would be dope sick when they weren't using. That aside, I would not advise you to let him move back in with you. Whether treatment would work or not, not one of us can say...but it's worth a try. If you tell him he can't come back home unless he does some intense inpatient rehab first and he turns you down, well...then he can find other options on how to live. Personally, I couldn't turn my AS away without offering him the chance to get help for himself. This doesn't mean that you pay for his rehab, it just means maybe printing him out contact information for inpatient treatment that is available. Depending on what state you live in, there are usually programs addicts can get into at no cost to them. Really, who can say if he will finally 'get it' while in treatment. Plenty of addicts go into treatment not really wanting to go and some do end up 'getting it' while there. The lives of our children are worth the chance IMHO.
I don't know if you have a faith in a Higher Power, but if you do...this is when you have to Let go and Let God...you may be amazed at what he has in store for your son
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Originally Posted by cynical one 
Why invite chaos into your home, you have another son to think about, and you both deserve your home to be a place of peace and serenity.
the truth is it helped me to find my own recovery.
For 15+ years, my AS and his addictions have been the focus of my life. After the last time he used me, I said "enough!"
However, how many addicted children, age 20-25 have ever really gotten it when their families sent them into the streets?
A year ago, I would have asked the same question... 6 months ago, the same...
Today, I second Cynical One's statement that it is not about my son, but about me deserving my home to be a place of peace and serentity.
Seek a support group yourself (Al-Anon) which can really help ease the pain of feeling like you have turned your back on your son.
with love,
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Originally Posted by vaya
However, how many addicted children, age 20-25 have ever really gotten it when their families sent them into the streets?
I was able to continue my destructive lifestyle for over 10 years because my parents were my best enablers.
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I did not allow my 18 yr old daughter to live with us.After 8 mo. of heroin abuse she decided on inpatient treatment.I gave her NO money during that time.When you chose to be an active addict yopu are often:sick, cold, hungry, tired, dirty, homelsee, etc. That is the consequence of addiction. My sponsor told me to really let her wallow in her addiction and see what she thought.There are no gaurantees she will stay sober, but I was not going to help her kill herself which is what I would've been doing had I been an active participant to her addiction by supplying her her with anything..comfy bed, food, etc.
Also. your younger son has expressed lots of concern over his brother.He deserves a peaceful home. Heroin addicts are in CONSTANT danger..they shoot opiates into their body, share needles, hang around other addicts.There is no more danger out there than he already puts himself in every day. I agree..a bottom may be close IF no one rescues him. He is burning bridges fast and thats a good thing because consequences are coming his way and consequences are what makes people want to change.I know the consequences of my codependency made me want to change when it got too painful.
Also. your younger son has expressed lots of concern over his brother.He deserves a peaceful home. Heroin addicts are in CONSTANT danger..they shoot opiates into their body, share needles, hang around other addicts.There is no more danger out there than he already puts himself in every day. I agree..a bottom may be close IF no one rescues him. He is burning bridges fast and thats a good thing because consequences are coming his way and consequences are what makes people want to change.I know the consequences of my codependency made me want to change when it got too painful.
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I'm new to the group but in just a few days of "stealing a moment to read and respond" I have gained so much from others' sharing. There is so much wisdom in these rooms and I really appreciated hearing what each of you had to say in this thread.
I don't know where you are in your recovery but it sounds like you are struggling today. My daughter is "out there" on meth and is exposed to heroine, too. She says she doesn't use THAT...as if her meth use was any better.
May I share with you what helped me TODAY? I enjoy reading the wonderful literature from my Nar-Anon and Al-Anon books. Sometimes I don't get to Courage to Change but did today and since I have been struggling with my character defects my HP spoke to me from today's and yesterday's message. That lead me back to One Day at a Time for November 13. I acted on the advise given on that page.
I closed my eyes and meditated...something I find difficult to do. I pictured myself in my HP's harms in a rocking chair just feeling comforted...no dialog...just the warmth of His loving arms and warmth. I pictured a bubble around us with rain and wolves attacking the bubble and noticed my hands were becoming tense. I relaxed and focused on my HP again. I got the message that I just need to be quiet and trust in my HP. As soon as I finish this post I will do this again and this time I will picture my lovely daughter in the arms of her HP, even if she doesn't know she has one. This I can do for her without enabling her.
I have learned by my mistakes that I can get in the way of mine and my daughter's HP by acting out of fear. She has pointed out to me that when I try to interfere it pushes her in the opposite direction than I am trying to get her to go.
Another thing that was reinforced in my meditation today was that detachment isn't like holding my daughter by the neck and then letting her drop. It's more like putting my hands under her and holding her up to her loving HP...even though I have the urge to hold her tight to my own bussom. I would smother her if I did that right now.
I hope this will help you. If not today maybe you could store it and use it when it will be right for you...as it was for me TODAY.
Hugs!
I don't know where you are in your recovery but it sounds like you are struggling today. My daughter is "out there" on meth and is exposed to heroine, too. She says she doesn't use THAT...as if her meth use was any better.
May I share with you what helped me TODAY? I enjoy reading the wonderful literature from my Nar-Anon and Al-Anon books. Sometimes I don't get to Courage to Change but did today and since I have been struggling with my character defects my HP spoke to me from today's and yesterday's message. That lead me back to One Day at a Time for November 13. I acted on the advise given on that page.
I closed my eyes and meditated...something I find difficult to do. I pictured myself in my HP's harms in a rocking chair just feeling comforted...no dialog...just the warmth of His loving arms and warmth. I pictured a bubble around us with rain and wolves attacking the bubble and noticed my hands were becoming tense. I relaxed and focused on my HP again. I got the message that I just need to be quiet and trust in my HP. As soon as I finish this post I will do this again and this time I will picture my lovely daughter in the arms of her HP, even if she doesn't know she has one. This I can do for her without enabling her.
I have learned by my mistakes that I can get in the way of mine and my daughter's HP by acting out of fear. She has pointed out to me that when I try to interfere it pushes her in the opposite direction than I am trying to get her to go.
Another thing that was reinforced in my meditation today was that detachment isn't like holding my daughter by the neck and then letting her drop. It's more like putting my hands under her and holding her up to her loving HP...even though I have the urge to hold her tight to my own bussom. I would smother her if I did that right now.
I hope this will help you. If not today maybe you could store it and use it when it will be right for you...as it was for me TODAY.
Hugs!
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Originally Posted by ILoveMyDaughter
Another thing that was reinforced in my meditation today was that detachment isn't like holding my daughter by the neck and then letting her drop. It's more like putting my hands under her and holding her up to her loving HP...even though I have the urge to hold her tight to my own bussom. I would smother her if I did that right now.
I hope this will help you. If not today maybe you could store it and use it when it will be right for you...as it was for me TODAY.
Hugs!
I hope this will help you. If not today maybe you could store it and use it when it will be right for you...as it was for me TODAY.
Hugs!
gentle hugs
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(((((hugs))))))
from one mom to another. Our AD was doing so well for 4 years - HER CHOICE but she has made another choice to go down another path. She told us when she was sober and doing well that the only thing that helped her was that we didn't enable her and we truly believed SHE could make it with her own choices. And she HAD to.
Unfortunately, even with our help and the fact that we were all becoming a family again, she is actively using and now has a couple warrants for her arrest. I always told her that I could never have a front row seat to her addiction and would not allow any of it in my home. She knew that and she said that she "trusted" coming to our home because we expected, no, demanded more from her than others did. I told her it was because I knew she was worthy of more and her so-called friends didn't care.
I learned a long time ago that you cannot trust an addict or their behavior and to have it in your home is inviting a lot of resentment and hate into your life.
It's hard, I know.
Hugs,
Marteen
from one mom to another. Our AD was doing so well for 4 years - HER CHOICE but she has made another choice to go down another path. She told us when she was sober and doing well that the only thing that helped her was that we didn't enable her and we truly believed SHE could make it with her own choices. And she HAD to.
Unfortunately, even with our help and the fact that we were all becoming a family again, she is actively using and now has a couple warrants for her arrest. I always told her that I could never have a front row seat to her addiction and would not allow any of it in my home. She knew that and she said that she "trusted" coming to our home because we expected, no, demanded more from her than others did. I told her it was because I knew she was worthy of more and her so-called friends didn't care.
I learned a long time ago that you cannot trust an addict or their behavior and to have it in your home is inviting a lot of resentment and hate into your life.
It's hard, I know.
Hugs,
Marteen
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When I came home from work today my AS was waiting for me at the apartment. He didn't even try to get in with the key he has. (I did change the deadbolt lock, but not the bottom lock.) I let him come in so we could talk. He was tired and didn't go to work today. He doesn't like the situation where he's living, because he doesn't like being monitored and controlled by his girlfriend. I asked him why he thought she acts like that and he realizes its his behavior. I also told him I would love for him to live here, but not as long as drugs were in the picture and he continues using, regardless of how little or often. I tried to help him see that his drug is a dead end street, but I know he has to come to that on his own. He said, 'what do you want, for me to go to rehab?' I told him only if he wanted it for himself and felt he needed it.
Anyway, I had him call his girlfriend and take responsibility for having been away without calling her for the last two days. Told him his behavior was rude and inconsiderate. Girlfriend is on her way over to pick him up soon he said. I reminded him he's lucky they're letting him stay there and he should consider that as well as how concerned they get when he comes around high. He really doesn't like it there. He's bored and isolated when he's not working and doesn't like feeling restrained.
I don't know what will happen there. I know girlfriend is getting sick and tired and he's not that happy with her either. I wish that his negative feelings about being there would make him want to stop using enough so he could come home, which he really wants. But, I know it probably takes more than that.
I'm glad I let him knowthat living here isn't an option while he's still using. It was hard to say. I know it hurt him too. But I did tell him I would love for him to live here, drug free, work part time and consider what he wants to study in school, which I would help with, and use the time to get on with his life and plans.
I really appreciate everyone's responses. I especially appreciate the fact that you all didn't try to force anything on me, but rather share your experiences. Just like the addict who will push against efforts to help, I too find myself resisting when I feel I'm being told what I have to do. When I asked my AS to leave after about 3-4 months of his increasing using, I did so because so many on this forum said it was what I needed to do, so I did. Intellectually I know it was for the best, his and mine. Ultimately we can only do what we are comfortable with and what we know is the best decision in our circumstance.
I guess I do knowwhat is best in this situation, but I am not really comfortable with it.
Thank you for your thoughts. I will continue to pray over this for him and for me.
Anyway, I had him call his girlfriend and take responsibility for having been away without calling her for the last two days. Told him his behavior was rude and inconsiderate. Girlfriend is on her way over to pick him up soon he said. I reminded him he's lucky they're letting him stay there and he should consider that as well as how concerned they get when he comes around high. He really doesn't like it there. He's bored and isolated when he's not working and doesn't like feeling restrained.
I don't know what will happen there. I know girlfriend is getting sick and tired and he's not that happy with her either. I wish that his negative feelings about being there would make him want to stop using enough so he could come home, which he really wants. But, I know it probably takes more than that.
I'm glad I let him knowthat living here isn't an option while he's still using. It was hard to say. I know it hurt him too. But I did tell him I would love for him to live here, drug free, work part time and consider what he wants to study in school, which I would help with, and use the time to get on with his life and plans.
I really appreciate everyone's responses. I especially appreciate the fact that you all didn't try to force anything on me, but rather share your experiences. Just like the addict who will push against efforts to help, I too find myself resisting when I feel I'm being told what I have to do. When I asked my AS to leave after about 3-4 months of his increasing using, I did so because so many on this forum said it was what I needed to do, so I did. Intellectually I know it was for the best, his and mine. Ultimately we can only do what we are comfortable with and what we know is the best decision in our circumstance.
I guess I do knowwhat is best in this situation, but I am not really comfortable with it.
Thank you for your thoughts. I will continue to pray over this for him and for me.
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