aiw

Hello everyone. I'm the mother of a 28-yr-old son that has been addicted to narcotics since 2005 and i'm in desperate need of support. i live alone with no family close and i just need to talk to some people that have been there. He's been in a treatment program and NA and i dont know what to do anymore. it kills me to see him hurt himself... i'm trying tough love now and although its the only thing that makes sense -- it hurts me horribly. i feel like i'm abandoning him... he doesnt live with me anymore, he quit showing up for work last sunday, and his phone was disconnected yesterday. the thought of him suffering at all has got me in pure agony. its so unnatural not to help your child when they're suffering. please help, i need some words of encouragement and strength... thank you for reading.

ILoveMyDaughter

"the thought of him suffering at all has got me in pure agony. its so unnatural not to help your child when they're suffering. "

I feel your pain and confusion and just joined this group, too. I attend a Nar-Anon meeting in my town and two Al-Anon meetings just for more serenity and I have to tell you I love my meetings and the literature that I read every day.
It seems strange to have to detach from someone in order to help them. I fought that idea when I started my recovery...and a very slow recovery...about a year ago. You can detach with love without feeling like you are turning your back on your son. You are on your journey and he is on his journey. Picture yourself with a hoola-hoop around your waist...remember those? The only thing you have any control over is inside that hoola-hoop. When I tried to "help" my daughter I found I was helping her further into her journey. I did this by playing the "needy" mom and became addicted to her. When she would talk about how she acted with her addicted boyfriend I found that I was reacting the same way in my own insanity with her. There was a parallel in our behaviors.
You have taken the right step by joining this group. I hope you find some serenity and sanity here.
It's OK if you don't catch on right away. It is a process and everyone processes things at their own rate. There are no judges here. Just hugs.

Tiredofdrugs

Hello aiw:

I'm 50 and have been on and off opiates since I was 25. A doctor I saw for the first time thought I needed Loratabs to deal with being depressed due to going thru a divorce and just finishing Army basic training and the AIT course. Because I was naive towards prescription drugs, I had no clue what these pills would due to me.

I have been to two different rehab centers since 1985. But due to multiple injuries and surgeries. I have been relying on the pills for many a year. It's amazing to say the least. I put 22 years in the Army. I'm now a retired/disabled veteran.

My parents and daughter have been thru the ringer with my opiate usuage. But they never enabled me. I had to sink or swim.

You can never replace the drugs your son is using with LOVE. Because the drugs IS his LOVE! The drugs give him a warm feeling that takes over his life. Detox is horrible and most users don't want to endure it, so they continue to use. Addicts don't want to live life w/o their drug because it's harder to deal with life clear headed.

Drugs also make us feel powerful and braver. It doesn't matter how much you love him and want to help him. He has to want it for himself.

If you yourself can't live w/o something. Coffee, cigs, etc. Take these away and see how long it takes you to want it. This is the same with your son's drugs. Cravings get to be so strong, it is hard to think past it. If he can't abstain by himself, then he needs to be in a controled environment for a LONG time. This would be the only hope he has of getting off the drugs and learning how to live w/o it.

I hope this helps you understand an addicts way of thinking.

TOD

ILoveMyDaughter

Thank you for your candid message about your drug use in the past. It really helps us non-users to "understand and encourage" our loved ones. I REALLY appreciate it. This is the kind of help I was hoping to find. I guess I'll have to give up something....NO, NOT CHOCOLATE!

Freedom1990

He's been through treatment and has attended NA.

His suffering is his choice. I know that's hard to hear, but it's true.

He's been given the tools for recovery, and has chosen not to use those tools.

I am sorry for your pain as I am a mother of an addict too.

I sleep well at night knowing I have placed her in God's loving hands.

Welcome to SR. We understand.

johndelko408

You know TOD hit the nail right on the head. He has to want to stop in order to do so. All the love in the world can't save him unless he has the willingness. Trust me, I'm 28 myself started drinking and using when I was 13. I spent half of my life in addiction and hurt many many people that I love, my wife the most. It took my wife leaving me to realize what I was doing to myself and the ones I love. I got into recovery because one, I was just to damn tired of being sick and tired and two, I don't want my kids growing up without their father. I feel your pain though, my mom's an alkie and I couldn't stand watching her destroy herself when I was younger. Being that I had no clue or idea about this disease (addiction) I used to always tell her that if she really loved me she would stop. Like I said at the time I knew nothing about addiction and how it effects the mind. you said that he's been in treatment before and has gone to NA. So he's well aware of the tools he possesses for recovery. It really is up to him if he wants to use them or not. I hope your son can get into a detox program and then immerse himself into NA.

islandcat

aiw welcome. We are all going through similar situations. If you have not read the stickys at the top of the forum I suggest you do. They helped me so much, espcially My Name is John, it will help you understand how an addict feels towards others especially those he loves. It made me realize my son is incapable at this time of showing his love to me as he loves his doc more. I have learned I cannot make him better, I cannot force him into rehab again, I cannot go to the hospital when he has od'd. Yes I felt like I had turned my back on him, but he also turned his back on me and the love I have for him. He has physically made me ill from all the worrying. I have detached and yes I still think and worry about him 10 times a day but at least I am not verbally abused, lied to and stolen from anymore. If he chooses to get well then I will welcome him with open arms, if not then I will have to deal with the what happens down the road. Meanwhile I have taken my life back and am on the road to recovery for me. Please come back and talk out whatever you want and whenever you need to, I know what its like to not have family to help.

aiw

To ILoveMyDaughter: thanks so much for the quick reply and understanding...it helps tremendously. unfortunately, there are no nar-anon meetings in my area but i'll be looking for an al-anon mtg tonight. like you with your daughter, i do understand that my need to help him is actually delaying his recovery...for some reason i had to exhaust all the possibilities before letting go. thanks again and hugs to you too.

Spiritual Seeker

Welcome from another mother who knows what you are going through.
Do all you can right now for yourself.
Al-anon is a great step, especially if you get connected with other parents that attend
to make some friends who walk this walk and get a sponsor.

aiw

To Spiritual Seeker: thank so much for the welcome and help

aiw

To Tiredofdrugs and Johndelko408: thanks so much for your honesty...my son can't be honest with himself yet...that's much of my anguish. he was clean for awhile and had hopes of getting married, then the rug was pulled from under him and he's used the breakup as an excuse for months now. i've watched him struggle with trying to control his habit and he's lost another battle...i just pray he will call me when he decides enough is enough.

aiw

Freedom1990: thanks for the welcome...yes, the road he's taken is again his choice, my struggle is the final realization that there is nothing more to do but wait...

aiw

islandcat: thanks for your reply...i have read the stickys and they are very helpful. fortunately, i dont have the same experiences you have had with your son...my son hasnt been unloving toward me or stolen from me, he just has a horrible addiction that controls the sweet person he is...thanks again. hugs to you

johndelko408

I can emphasise with your son in regards to the break up. I didn't stop drinking immediately after my wife left me, I immersed myself deeper into my drinking and using. It was a very tough cookie for me to swallow knowing I ruined my marriage, I still love her but accepting what I've done is what helps me get through it. You mentioned that he can't be honest with himself, initially I wasn't able to do that either. I was in recovery for 4 months and still was not convinced that I was an alcoholic. This past new years eve I decided to test myself. I was at one of my roommates brothers party and I had decided that I would drink 2 beers and nothing more. Well I drank myself into a blackout and woke up the next day in the guest room bed at one of my friends house 40 miles away from the city I live in. Apparently I took a $100 cab ride over there to buy some cocaine. I hadn't done coke in years and I have no idea what came over me. This had me convinced that I was truly an alcoholic and made me realize that when they say in AA, "it never gets better, only worse". At that point is when I was able to get honest with myself. I did indeed have emotional issues in going through my divorce and not seeing my kids as often as I used to; I went from tucking them in at night to seeing them twice a week for a few hours at a time. I used to cry myself to sleep and desperately pray to God that I would not wake up the next day. I'm not going to say that this immediately changed upon my return to AA, because I wasn't spiritually fit yet. But AA saved my life, it truly did, I don't know where I'd be now if I had continued the course I was living. I could only speculate dead because I was already at the point of wanting to commit suicide. That day I woke up at my friends house, I was trembling out of fear and hadn't the slightest clue of what i had dreamt about if anything. I have to say that my HP, who I call God, woke me up that day and gave me swift kick in the a$$. What I'm trying to get at is that we have a passage in AA that comes from How it Works. It goes "there are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest".(BB 58). I was one of them, and I had to hit a couple of rock bottoms until I could get honest with myself.

aiw

Johndelko408: thanks so much for sharing your experience...and i am so sorry for your loss...you're a very strong young man to come out of the darkness and choose life...that gives me hope for my son. hugs to you

Kindeyes

aiw
Welcome to SR.....you've found a place where there are many many parents of adult children who are addicted to drugs. None of us want to be here but there is comfort knowing that someone else understands our anxiety and pain.

My son is very close in age to yours. He is an addict. But he is also so much more than that and I love him. It has been very difficult to step back and allow him the full force of the consequences of his addiction. It's been he77. But allowing him to fully understand the life he was leading and the ramifications of choosing that life was the most loving thing I have ever done--but it was also the hardest.

He's in an inpatient program right now. His eyes are clear. His skin is clearing up. He's working his program. I have turned him over to his HP. I'm simply not qualified to help him.

You're in a great place to talk to other mothers who understand what you are going through. I'm glad to hear that you are going to find an alanon meeting. Take your life back and work on you. When I finally started doing that, my life got better--even if my son was still using.

gentle hugs

aiw

Kindeyes: thank you...yes, its the hardest thing i've ever done, especially because i'm so afraid for him...the terror of knowing he could die is all-consuming but i must detach or he will never hit his bottom and have the opportunity to live a drug-free life -- thats the thought that i hold close and tell myself over and over and over again. and i must start living again too so he can see there is happiness in life if you choose it... my thoughts and prayers are with you and your boy. hugs to you

islandcat

aiw, I sent you a couple of stickys, you may have already read. I read these over and over when I am feeling weak. It took awhile to understand that my sons love of his drug was stronger than his love for me. I feel so sad for you that you are dealing with a loving, caring son. When I need even more strength I think back to all that he has taken from me and the cold uncaring person he can be. Worrying about them is all consuming but there is nothing we can do, they have to do it themselves. We all worry they are lying in a ditch somewhere, cold and perhaps dying and their last thoughts are asking for their Moms and we arent there. Oh how it can eat us apart, but as others have already said the disease is stronger than us, the only cure is through themselves. When I was in the hospital my son came in and I started to cry, he said 'whats wrong Mama?', I said I only found out how close I came to dying and I'm scared. He left with tears rolling down his cheeks, did it change him one bit, not at all. You would think that would make him think a bit about someone other than himself. Thats how strong addiction is. Don't let it pull you down, you have to be strong to be there for him when he gets well. Look for all the help you can get for yourself. My prayers for you and your son.

marteen

I always tell everyone that my AD is not a bad person, she has just made some very bad choices. The drugs have always controlled the sweet person she is inside. I hate what they make her or what she allows them to make her. And now with a 5 year old granddaughter, it makes those choices much worse!

Being a parent of an addict is an awful position to be in because all we want to do is protect or fix our child's problems but with addiction, it has to come from within. The person has to WANT it for their own reasons and if they don't, it won't work. That's the hardest thing to accept.

This place helped me to restore MY sanity or I would have ended up sicker than my AD and I would have risked losing everything I had and my daughter would still be an addict if that is what SHE wanted.

Hugs,
Marteen

Tiredofdrugs

I posted this several months back here on SR. For those on this board! I thought I'd copy and paste it here for you to read. I know it's damn difficult for non-addicts to understand why their loved ones can't just simply put their DOC down and walk away. Maybe this will explain it a little better.

This is something I found while browsing the site. Thought those needing the info would find it helpful to their situation.

Increased usage of hydrocodone is being noted as a growing trend in recent days as addiction to Hydrocodone is a very common issue due to the trouble-free availability of this drug. It is often consumed with other drugs that are not severely restricted and these mixtures usually come in the form of painkillers that are prescribed by doctors. Some of the common preparations that are used are Vicodin and Lortab. Medications containing Hydrocodone can come in tablet; capsule or syrup forms and all preparations are taken orally. In its pure form it is very hard to obtain, because of its addictive nature.The symptoms of addiction are anxiousness to take the drug and the need to take more of the drug to get the desired effect. To feed their addiction, many addicts go from doctor to doctor faking the severity of a condition in order to obtain the medication. Some resort to criminal behavior such as breaking into pharmacies to steal the medication or forging prescriptions. After prolonged usage, Hydrocodone begins to control the brain to make itself the highest priority. This makes the addict compelled to use the drug to gain pleasure from it. Hydrocodone addiction is a physical habit as well as a psychological habit. It is rare that an addict can quit this addiction on his or her own. In order to obtain help, an addict must seek treatment from a medical professional.

I've been told for many a year by many a person: 'Whatever DOC is yours. It becomes your best friend and lover. This is one reason when you get past the detox period, it is so hard to give up.