JennyLee

I have been married to an drug addict and alcoholic for 13 years. I spent the begining of our marriage raising our kids (his-hers-ours). If I would have left then his kids wouldnt have been able to stay with me and their mother is an addict as well. I love all my kids as if they were all mine.

In the begining he would cheat, abuse, manipulate, lie, steal and the list goes on....for the last 7 years he has been not using alcohol but has injured his back and been on perscription meds. I know that they are just as bad as the rest but I also knew that he had ligetimate pain. Currently he has had all the surgeries that he needed for his back and the doctors say there is nothing else that can be done. I understand that pain meds are terrible in the fact that after you have used them that your pain is worse til all the meds are gone and there has been time for your receptors to level out.

He is currently not living at home (one week) and I am battling with not allowing him to come home unless he gets help. I do live my husband and want things to be different. I am also aware that IF he doesnt want the help that nothing will work.

I am reaching out to anyone that can help or has words of support....I am sooo weak right now. I am tryin to be strong and make him realize that IF he cant get it together then I will not be here for him to fall back on...

Freedom1990

Hi JennyLee and welcome to SR.

You sound like a wife who cares, and a mother who loves the children very much.

I'm snowed under with homework right now, and will reply at length later.

I wanted to welcome you, and let you know you are among friends!

JennyLee

I am holding on by a thread today. I was so hoping that he would be sober this morning so that I could speak to him. NO LUCK.

If I eat I puke...if I think I bawl...if I sit down I think and then I puke and bawl.

This roller coaster has been a long hard ride. I have to say enough is enough.

I have 4 boys at home still and one is his, one is ours, and 2 are born to me....BUT THEY ARE ALL MINE!!! His son says that he is not going anywhere so do what I need to do and call it quits (he is 16). He says no one can make him move and that is that...knowing that makes me feel a little better...

the pain is consuming me jsut as the addition has...I know that one day it will get better but that isnt helping much now...I am tryin to just breathe...

Freedom1990

Oh hon, I so understand that hanging on by a thread.

I highly recommend locating some Naranon or Alanon meetings for you to attend. There you will find face-to-face support among those who understand. You need your own recovery to heal from the damage of his addictions.

Get the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It's an excellent starter book.

Read the sticky topics at the top of this forum.

I know that feeling of puking and bawling.

Walking away from my EXAH was one of the hardest decisions I ever made, but also one of the best.

Is there something nice you can do for yourself today, like taking a bubble bath? I know I often had to cut the 'coping' down to just 5 minutes at a time.

Please be gentle with yourself, and keep posting!

It tends to be slower on the weekends here at SR, but others will be along to offer their support too.

tam

welcome to SR jennylee, sorry you had to find us, but I want you know that this is a great place for support alongwith alanon or naranon. This forum has loads of information and coping skills. keep reading posts and stickies, the people on here are so helpful.
try to calm yourself down, do some things you enjoy and keep yourself busy.
dont forget about yourself and your children. if you dont feel comfortable allowing him home right now, would that be okay for the 2 of you for now?you most likely need a break to figure things out.
question though, have you talked to his dr.about his meds? has anyone discussed alternative meds or treatments for his pain?

Kindeyes

JennyLee
Welcome to SR....I hope you find comfort and strength as you post and work through your problems one day at a time.

We've all been at the "hanging on by a thread" point before and it feels awful. I think Freedom had some great suggestions for you. If you have not already sought out a group such as Alanon or Naranon, it might be something to think about.

When I was at my lowest points, I found that reaching out to others who understood what I was going through helped me so very much. I also discovered that I hadn't been taking care of myself at all. All of my energy was being poured into everything and everyone around me.....particularly the addict in my life. When I began taking care of ME and working on ME.......things started to get better for me!

Your children (all of them) are so very lucky to have such a loving, caring mother. They depend on you. Without you, where would they be? So that's one very good reason to take care of yourself above all.

Read. Post here. Listen (read) to the experience of others who have walked a similar path and you will find hope and comfort.

gentle hugs

JennyLee

He has called and wanted me to say... "come home now" when I didnt he got upset...bad thing is he called when he was messed up... I do love him....I do wish he would get help and REALLY want it....I dont think that will ever happen...

Freedom1990

I have a 32-year-old daughter who's been active in addictions since she was 15.

Her husband divorced her. She lost custody of her kids after overdosing in front of them. She has been incarcerated many times, and is now a convicted felon. She's been evicted from places more times than I can count. She hasn't worked since she was 18. She's morbidly obese, smokes like a chimney, already has chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, and eats Xanax.

I don't think she will ever get help.

I love her.

However, I no longer take a front row seat to her addictions. We only have contact because my 15-year-old granddaughter now lives with her.

My happiness, my life, is not contingent on what she is/isn't doing with her life.

I have turned her over to God. I give her the dignity to make her own choices, poor though they may be.

I am also an addict in long-term recovery, and I wasn't willing to change my life until the pain of addiction became greater than the fear of doing something different.

My bottom was sitting in a squalid dealer's house, 109 pounds on a 6' frame, pregnant, and with most of the veins blown out in my arms.

That which seemed to be the worst possible set of circumstances turned out to be God's saving grace for me.

I surrendered that day and told God I couldn't live like that anymore.

We don't know what God has in store for our loved ones.

We can embrace our own recovery, and find sanity and peace of mind again.

You and I are children of God, and he will take care of us. He will take care of our loved ones too.

JennyLee

I am having a really down day. I know what I am doing is the right thing...BUT when he calls I cant ignore it and I know that is the worst thing to do. I totally wish that he would see his life is worth saving and that he should want to be clean and sober for his kids sakes at least. I know he has to do it for himself...

Tomorrow should be better and thanks for all the warm words...

outtolunch

I mean this in the kindest way possible, the sounds like an attempt to control what you have no control over.

Another perspective might be along these lines:

I will not expose my children to someone in active addiciton and I choose to not live with someone in active addiction.

This puts you in control of your own life and as importantly, let's go of the outcome.

JennyLee

I am not tryin to control it...I have told him that I will not have him around the kids and that he cannot be here. He came here yesterday and was messed up....I made him leave...and told him absolutely not to come here again when he was under the influence of anything....

Freedom1990

Good for you! That is called setting a boundary. You will not tolerate having a person under the influence around you or the children.

wicked

Great work JennyLee.
Wow.