How Codie Am I Being here?

Old 11-12-2010, 11:51 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
How Codie Am I Being here?

So...my XAH went to a 28-day rehab. He chose upon his dismissal to live in a sober-living house instead of with a man he met in rehab, mainly because the man he met in rehab has a roommate who drinks, and XAH thought living there would be too triggering. Bear in mind, this is the same man I begged to consider living in an Oxford House before (which is where he is now) and he never wanted anything to do with it. So I am taking all of this as a positive sign that perhaps he's actually serious about his recovery this time. Also, he continues to do out-patient therapy with the rehab 2 nights a week, is attendiing AA 2 nights a week, and is attending a recovery-based church a couple of times a week as well. All this sounds peachy keen, and while I am in no way convinced the problem is gone forever, it does make me feel good to know that the father of my dd is for once in his life putting his all into recovery, at least for this moment in time (because this could all go down like a house of cards tomorrow, and I'm aware of this).

Before this, I had been no contact for about 2 months. Still don't know all of the details of what went down then, but from what I glean from his sister, it wasn't pretty and he was out on the streets for a while.

So here's where my question comes in. His living in the sober house wouldn't have been possible without some form of financial help. He had nothing. He could have lived with the rehab roomie for free, but I took it as a good sign that he chose to live in the sober house instead. But the sober house costs money (albeit cheap money--75 a week). So his sister and I agreed to split the cost until he got a job. And he has been looking, and actually did get a job just yesterday. Still has no license, but his outpatient will do double duty and he can use it to get his license back in about two months. So I agreed, because he did just get a job, to give him some money for transportation to work and some new clothes, and if he keeps on keeping on, he should be able to support himself once he gets his first paycheck.

Should I not have done any of this for him? It's been easier than I thought it would be to go no contact and do nothing for him and not pick up the phone when I knew he was boozing it up. Now that I know he's really trying, I can't say I feel it would have been helpful to his sobriety for me and his sister to say to him, well buddy, you've got no money, so go stay with the drunken roommate instead of at the sober living house where you're closer to your church and your outpatient counseling. So in that sense, I feel good about the choice I and his sister made, but I guess I still have that nagging sense of, maybe I'm still doing to much for him. On the other hand, he truly does need some help with things like covering the rent until he gets his first paycheck, and having some cash on hand to pay for a taxi to work on the few days one of his roommates can't help him.

I guess I don't feel like it's codependency so much when I'm trying to help out a person who needs a bit of a leg up financially but is doing the work of staying sober in a very visible way. He has no parents, no one else who would be willing to help out in this way other than this sister of his, and at the moment its not a big burden on me as I am saving money by living with my parents. I guess I just wanted some thoughts and reactions to this to see if I'm way off base here or not.
Mambo Queen is offline  
Old 11-13-2010, 12:35 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
glitterfairy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Seattle
Posts: 49
I would if I were in your shoes.
You're not buying him booze, you're making it possible for him to have a safe enviroment in which he can recover.
I'm guessing he has a history of relapse because of your lack of hope. Which is why you're questioning this gesture...Maybe others will think differently but I don't give up hope on someone especially when they are asking for help and have no other means. He's already been on the streets. I don't see him having another option.
Is it Codependency or Compassion?
glitterfairy is offline  
Old 11-13-2010, 12:36 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 27
I don't know if you remember a thread of mine you replied to, about my ex... just reminding you, so you know where I'm coming from, that I haven't lived through a rehab attempt, recently came out of a relationship, and that I've got a possibly controversial take on codependence that probably many here would feel comes from lack of awareness or experience.

If you're seeing what you think is a genuine commitment to get help, and you can live *comfortably* without the money without expecting to see it again, AND it's only for 2 or 4 weeks... I don't know, it's a decent thing to do. I can't comment on how realistic a proposition it is - no one can, really, I think. It sounds as though you and his sister feel he's serious.

I don't know what else to say. Seeing someone you have loved fall out of the web of normal human connection is a nightmarish prospect to me. Equally, being the last thread is a terrible obligation, emotionally if nothing else. (Do you feel that pressure, even though you're NC, and your contact now is through money?) Are you able to talk to his sister about this?

Can you handle your own responses to this, and release yourself from the outcome of his rehab?

(last question - is public transport prohibitive, where he is? am guessing so, just checking - otherwise, a taxi does seem a bit luxe... but the rent for the 'sober house' seems like a good and kind and reasonable thing to offer, in the scenario you're describing...)
notforgotten is offline  
Old 11-13-2010, 02:58 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Curled up in a good book...
 
bookwyrm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Mambo Queen, if you have to ask the question...

I remember a lot of your old posts. You have financed this manipulative man for so long. Giving him money now, when he is finally attempting to stand on his own two feet could sabotage his recovery. You're stopping him from being a grown up and dealing with his consequences.

There again, I'm not in your shoes. I just worry that you are getting sucked in again when you seemed to be finally breaking free. Please take care of yourself. :ghug3
bookwyrm is offline  
Old 11-13-2010, 03:36 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I am with book.

Perhaps you don't need your money now, but what after you retire?

What if, hopefully not, you need to spend in health related issues? Will HE be there for you? HAH!

Its that "unidirectional" thing going on that is not healthy.



Or something unexpected comes up and your real family needs some help?

Can you imagine what you could do with all the money you have spent so far on him? perhaps you already have everything, but that is today, what about tomorrow?


I know you are well meaning but why not donate to an institution if you need to feel you are helping? like the Cancer association? CARE international? Children international? local animal shelter? or well, endless organizations that need a hand-if that's your goal.


I forgot if you are going to therapy....... precisely there is where I can honestly see my patterns and realize if I am behaving like an old pattern or constructing a new pattern.



Countless people get to AA and do whatever to keep moving forward, like WORK... that is being adult... he is not your child, an adult and he is not unique, his problem is not unique, and his opportunities are the same as anyone's... don't you think you have done more than enough??

Even beyond the money, giving it away is relating to him again. When will you see yourself clearly and realize you deserve all the joy and gifts that come from going No Contact? when will you realize what a wonderful and deserving woman you really are? when will you stop "saving him"?

I really wish that person can become part of your past. I really really wish that Mambo Queen!
TakingCharge999 is offline  
Old 11-13-2010, 03:39 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I didn't answer your question... IMHO you are being Very Codie in the Codiemeter here...

:codiepolice :codiepolice :codiepolice
TakingCharge999 is offline  
Old 11-13-2010, 04:30 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
SoloMio's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
How are you going to feel if he does relapse in a couple of weeks or a month?

It it's a neutral reaction that probably means you gave the money with no expectations, just to help the guys out temporarily. Hence, not codie.

If it's an angry or disappointed reaction that probably means you're hoping your money will help buy him his recovery. Hence, codie.
SoloMio is offline  
Old 11-13-2010, 05:33 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I don't have a codie-meter so I can't answer your specific question but here are some things you can think about in order to answer yourself:

Did he come to me and ask me to help?
Did he ask me directly for a specific amount of money for a specific purpose and a specific timeframe?
Is a grown man his age capable of finding a place to live and renting it?
Did I evaluate his options and choose for him?
Did I merely react to information he dumped on me?
Did he take ownership of his problem or did he just talk about it?
Was I trying to solve a problem that is not mine?
Did I feel sorry for him?

The answers you come up with should help you see ihow codie you are being. Feel free to share if you want.

Good post!! Thank you for sharing!
Learn2Live is offline  
Old 11-13-2010, 07:07 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: central texas
Posts: 146
I like what someone else said, that if you have a negative reaction to the situation, if/when he slips up, then you are probably being co/de.
But I also feel that it seems as if the guy is truly trying, and to not give a small leg up would not be right. I can't say if I would help my exah, at least not right now,and maybe not ever, but that is me, not you.
I think you are being compassionate and kind. Just don't get sucked back in. Stay detached. If you can't do that,then you shouldn't help him imho. H
Hadassah is offline  
Old 11-13-2010, 08:23 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
BuffaloGal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
I've said it before and I'll say it again: the difference in codependence and true help often has more to do with the attitude of the do-er than whatever they are actually doing.

I gave my aexh my old car when his died and he couldn't afford another one, and would have lost his food service job without it. I didn't need the car, I didn't expect anything in return. Today he still works for the same company and has advanced into a professional position that uses his master's degree. I haven't given him another car, it was a one-time thing. I don't think I was enabling him.

And, remember, life is a tough and confusing road, and sometimes it is not obvious what the right thing to do is. I come from a Christian background where the difference between good and evil is presented as a pretty simple thing. And sometimes it is. I recently learned that the Buddhist tradition holds that telling the difference between good and evil is extremely difficult and it takes a lot of time and practice to learn. Okay, I'll go with that, too.

If you can look at yourself straight in the eye and say, "I want this person to succeed and I am all right with any outcome of this situation," and mean it, I think you're doing fine.
BuffaloGal is offline  
Old 11-13-2010, 10:03 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Now that he has a job, he can start paying his own way, yes?
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 11-13-2010, 11:21 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
IMO you have already "done enough" for him money wise and it can be someone else's turn. Someone who is not already raising his child with no assistance from him and does not have any sort of emotional investment. There is help out there for him, you are simply the most convenient option.

My exah is always trying to get me to "help him" with money even though he does not really need it (and actually is supposed to be paying me child support!).

My answer to him is "I gave already, this bank is closed".
hadenoughnow is offline  
Old 11-13-2010, 11:39 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Sean718's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 24
Not codie at all. You are supporting "good decisions".
Sean718 is offline  
Old 11-13-2010, 12:50 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
LucyA's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
You made an informed choice, ok so the informed bit may have been limited a little, but it was until he got a job and could support himself. He now has that, so you're able to back off and allow him to use his pay to suport himself.
The way I read it you helped him help himself, you didn't 'enable' him to do anything he could have done for himself at the time. Giving a leg up isn't a hanging offence. If you hadn't done it how would you feel (you don't need to answer that!)
LucyA is offline  
Old 11-13-2010, 06:37 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He is your Ex....expand on that, allow him the dignity to grow up and take care of himself.
dollydo is offline  
Old 11-13-2010, 10:35 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
MQ this is what you wrote in March 2008

Some times we have great talks where he says how much he wants help and is excited to finally start dealing with this and that he'll do anything I need him to do to prove his commitment to sobriety and our family, and then some days are like today, where he's full of the blame game (most of this is somehow my fault, you see) and depression, where all he can focus on is how terrible life is, particulary now that his big, bad wife left him all alone. He does get to me though when he says that he really needs to know he has my support and isn't alone, because he really doesn't have anyone else in his life except for a few sisters who aren't the most supportive
TakingCharge999 is offline  
Old 11-13-2010, 10:48 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
WHY is no one else in his life? Not because he is a victim but because his actions and manipulations have anyone sane get as away as possible, like many of us do here (going No Contact). Perhaps I am just triggered as ex said he was also 'alone' and 'I was the only one he had' and I fell for that $#&&many times and was used, and used again...

I dunno MQ, I read most of your posts since I joined, and I just do not get why he can't recover or try recovering without bugging you or affecting you in some way. Honestly I read your post and to me he seems like he is like another kid to you, not an adult.

A question to ponder, when exactly are you going to stop giving him money? do you have set an exact amount? or is this like "this is the last time you help him financially" just like they say "this is my last drink"...?

I guess... as the 1st step, once you are totally honest with yourself, you'll know the answer for this thread's title...

All the best
TakingCharge999 is offline  
Old 11-14-2010, 04:05 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
He doesn't need anyone to do these things for him. He is a full grown adult who is capable of much more than you are giving him credit for. (((hugs)))
Learn2Live is offline  
Old 11-14-2010, 04:48 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
SoloMio's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
MQ this is what you wrote in March 2008

Some times we have great talks where he says how much he wants help and is excited to finally start dealing with this and that he'll do anything I need him to do to prove his commitment to sobriety and our family, and then some days are like today, where he's full of the blame game (most of this is somehow my fault, you see) and depression, where all he can focus on is how terrible life is, particulary now that his big, bad wife left him all alone. He does get to me though when he says that he really needs to know he has my support and isn't alone, because he really doesn't have anyone else in his life except for a few sisters who aren't the most supportive
My AH seems to think it's "romantic" to make me "the woman behind the man" but lately I'll have none of it. Just last week when I was talking to him about the effects of his drinking he said, "Just tell me what you think I should do and I'll do it." So I simply said. "No. I'm not doing that. I'm the LEAST qualified person to help you, so go find someone who IS qualified. You have to do this for yourself." That ended the discussion, and I'm actually pleased that I didn't go running for my self-help books to share with him like I'm prone to do.

Point being, MamboQueen, listen to the advice about detachment that you've been given here. If you're the woman behind the man, and the man is already FAR behind--where are YOU?
SoloMio is offline  
Old 11-16-2010, 12:40 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
MQ I re-read my post and thought it may be taken as aggressive. Sorry if it did.

My intention is the best for you. I think you are very very smart and deserve so much joy!! It just got me angry to see you are attached to a man that has taken a lot from you. Like your smile, in the first place.
TakingCharge999 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:32 PM.