pascal

I am on day 6 - the longest I have gone without alcohol in five years. No one knows that I used alcohol almost daily. I own my own business and traveled a lot. A lot of my days were spent drinking.

I really appreciate everyone comments on this blog. I found the website through Google and come to it several times a day for support. No one knows about my problem and I don't go to AA. I know secrecy is a part of the problem.

I have some stress today and want to go have a "power" lunch - which means that I will have vodka and Sprite. I usually drink three of these and after the buzz leaves in an hour I feel like **** the rest of the day. I hate myself for what I have become. My secrecy proves I am a fake.

Well, enough self-loathing. Thanks for sharing your lives.

glitter

pascal - Six sober days is HUGE! Telling us about the way you are feeling is also HUGE! I just want you to know that you don't have to have that power lunch today.

Welcome to SR!

pascal

I needed the encouragement. My problem is that I have this routine where I hit this dive bar and grill with the justification that I am getting lunch then put away some drinks. I always do this alone - secrecy is the big secret. Anyway, I am going to take my employees to another place instead. Thanks again!

Anna

Pascal, good for you for getting through Day 6!

I hated myself for the person I was when I was drinking too. Be careful to not let the self-hatred prevent you from recovering. Focus on the positive aspects of your day!

glitter

Atta boy!

julez

Pascal, good decision on taking your peeps somewhere else. At my meeting last night someone brought up that she struggles not to drink because of the small things, like a messy house etc, more than the big things. My struggle is to break my drinking habits. I try to stay away of places that meant drinking for me. I try to do something else, or go out on the nights my husband and I would sit and watch a movie and drink. Breaking habits is hard and takes time, but its so worth it when you can go to bed at night knowing that you overcame something you did for years. Keep it up!

MMN

Hey Pascal - you just described my life:-)
I'm on day 6 too and feel great.
It used to be all about "business" lunches and dinners which was really just an excuse to get hammered most days. When the fog cleared for me (which it did this week) I could finally see what a monumental waste of time and money that all was. These days I do breakfast meetings instead.
Hang in there!

startingagain

Secrecy? Knowing you're a fake? "High-functioning?"
Check, check, and check. You are SOOOOOO not alone.

pascal

About a week ago after a horrible hang over I took an online test which purports to tell you if you have an alcohol problem. Frankly, I don't remember the results of the test, but three questions really got me thinking.

The first was, "Do you ever drink in bars or restaurants where you normally wouldn't visit or feel comfortable?" Boy, that was a resounding yes for me. To maintain my secrecy I usually went to dive bars just outside the city I live in. There was always a ting of anxiety I would have when I entered just hoping that I would not see anyone I knew. I can't say the "fellowship" in the bar wasn't very stimulating, but I felt safe there from people thinking why is this guy drinking during lunch?

The second question was even more descriptive of my life: "Do you usually drink alone." Yes, I almost always drank alone because of the shame I felt about drinking.

The third question was, "Do you drink more than two drinks in a sitting." I have never in my life had less than two drinks in a sitting. I have actually switched bars during the day so I could go have more drinks without people thinking that I was a drunk.

This sobriety thing has got me thinking...

Dee74

Hi Pascal

Welcome to SR. I'm really glad you're fighting this - congratulations on the 6 days.

I used alcohol to function too - and I hid my problem by going to dive bars, and sometimes several in a day when I couldn't drink at home.

I had some pretty heavy self loathing going on too - which I medicated with more alcohol. Insane really.

You're not alone here- we all get it

There is a better way to live and there's lots of folks here who are the proof of that.

Glad to have you here
D

least

Dee could tell ya that I was a trainwreck when I got here and for quite a while after I joined. I just didn't 'get it'. But I am closing in on a year sober, next month, and am really delighted with my new happier more positive attitude and the changes in my life from staying sober.

And I was a chronic relapser so if I can stay sober, so can you. Welcome to the family.

Draciack

Hi Pascal

Those surveys opened my eyes too...for starters, I had deluded myself into thinking those were normal behaviors.

Welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support here.

nawneet

Hi Pascal

I too was a secret drinker, hiding bottles going to bars. I also hated myself and did'nt know how to stop, I am now in day 11 and feeling so positive, I find this forum fantastic and so supportive, keep it up you will reep the benifts,

Good luck

Nawneet

Goat

I drank alone and at home so nobody would know what I was up to.

When it was really bad I'd get a coffee from mcd's on the way to work to wake me up a little, then slip in to a liquor store (always a different one, and always away from home) to pick up "some for tonight" and then I'd fill the empty coffee cup with vodka and drink it on the way to work.

That first sip was a killer... I should've known my body was screaming "NO" when it took all my will to keep from barfing up that first hit of vodka in the morning.

I, too, am a small business owner and travel a lot. Drinking at client sites is dangerous... how I've never lost a client because I was completely blitzed while giving a presentation to their executives is beyond me.

Good for you taking the grunts with you to lunch. Being with people is my first line of defense against alcohol as well. I don't <i>want</i> to drink when I am with people.

I'm glad you're here, Pascal!

-Goat

Goat

Oh yeah, something else you said that really struck a chord with me...

You feel terrible for the rest of the day after you've had a few at lunch. I'm not an expert, but that seems to be a running theme with alcoholics. For example, my GF can have a few and then she's just fine for the rest of the night, all happy and feeling good.

If I have a few and then stop, I feel like canine excrement. That's part of what makes it so very hard to stop once I've started.

-Goat

pascal

Thanks Goat.

Yeah, I almost talked myself in to drinking today, but this forum has me wanting to like some of my encouragers here. When I get well I want to stop looking at myself and want to help others.

Secrecy has always been the one constant with my drinking. I dread my business trip this Wednesday where I usually spend the night in the bar.