thanks,blog, and question
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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thanks,blog, and question
i am a bit amazed at how i have been progressing, and grateful, and thankful for this board. as it was mentioned yesterday, this is what got me through the worst of it. it wasn't the meetings and it turns out i cannot afford the therapy right now, so it was all of you who helped, both harsh and gentle. it all helped. thank you.
now the question. i am not in the clear yet. i still have thoughts. they are more balanced though. but here is what i have had lately. i can dismiss and forgive any of the bad stuff that went on. i can also remove myself from the relationship dynamic. so i wonder as a friend, and solely a friend, is there any use in attempting to see how she is? most of my instinct is to keep things as they are, but there is a smaller part that isn't sure. she's making her decisions high and maybe is feeling something like shame or something that is keeping her away. i might be stretching, but before i keep moving away, i want to feel that i am doing the right thing. i am not wanting to be back with her, i am over that emotional tie, but as a friend, as someone who cares, i don't know if i should try to check in or not. i wonder if when someone is in a bad way, if she still is, that they could feel good about someone checking in.
ok, enough of that. last night i had some feelings to get out. i have a blog on another site that i keep private, it's just for me to write. but i decided to start writing all my thoughts and feelings about this situation and experience her on this blog. because so many people are having or have had similar experiences, i invite anyone to read it. i figured that is better than me filling up all the space onthe forum with my constant thinking. but, i have to say it might noit be suitable for all audiences due to language and content.
and again, thank you to everyone who posted to my threads and helped me through this. i just hope i don't backslide soon!
now the question. i am not in the clear yet. i still have thoughts. they are more balanced though. but here is what i have had lately. i can dismiss and forgive any of the bad stuff that went on. i can also remove myself from the relationship dynamic. so i wonder as a friend, and solely a friend, is there any use in attempting to see how she is? most of my instinct is to keep things as they are, but there is a smaller part that isn't sure. she's making her decisions high and maybe is feeling something like shame or something that is keeping her away. i might be stretching, but before i keep moving away, i want to feel that i am doing the right thing. i am not wanting to be back with her, i am over that emotional tie, but as a friend, as someone who cares, i don't know if i should try to check in or not. i wonder if when someone is in a bad way, if she still is, that they could feel good about someone checking in.
ok, enough of that. last night i had some feelings to get out. i have a blog on another site that i keep private, it's just for me to write. but i decided to start writing all my thoughts and feelings about this situation and experience her on this blog. because so many people are having or have had similar experiences, i invite anyone to read it. i figured that is better than me filling up all the space onthe forum with my constant thinking. but, i have to say it might noit be suitable for all audiences due to language and content.
and again, thank you to everyone who posted to my threads and helped me through this. i just hope i don't backslide soon!
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Steve, didn't you seek her out not long ago "just as a friend to see how she's doing" and then got yourself into all this mess of the last few months? Don't you see how easily you get sucked into the vortex no matter what frame of mind you think you are in? All that energy should be directed inward now and finding fulfillment in some other area of your life. Go volunteer somewhere and get out of your own head for awhile. That's great 'therapy'.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
so i wonder as a friend, and solely a friend, is there any use in attempting to see how she is?
NO
Do you understand yet??
NO CONTACT.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 138
Steve..i too struggle with feeling like I have abandoned my guy in times of need. Both when I broke it off with him before he went down the tubes, and now that he has landed himself in prison. Should I go see him....for what to ease my own guilt. I don't know Steve...I think we need to just close the doors. They will do what they will regardless if they have out support, friendship, encouragement, forgiveness........ I honestly don't think it really matters!!!!! stay strong!!! Keep looking up....not back!!!
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i realize what it is.
i was tryng to figure out why i had this question still...
i realize i am worried that she may think i do not want to hear from her.
there is no reason for me to think that way. the last time i spoke with her, i gave every indication that i was not mad and that i was still her friend if she needed it. i am glad i remembered that and thought this. no obsessing. she knows i care.
i was tryng to figure out why i had this question still...
i realize i am worried that she may think i do not want to hear from her.
there is no reason for me to think that way. the last time i spoke with her, i gave every indication that i was not mad and that i was still her friend if she needed it. i am glad i remembered that and thought this. no obsessing. she knows i care.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
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Steve,
When someone says I MET SOMEONE ELSE it means that you need to move on. There is no friendship to be had at this point. You are fishing for some way to keep her in your life but she doesn't want to be in yours. Very hard to swallow but that is true. Let her go. Let IT go. And no, she isn't thinking about you at all. She is on to the next guy. Case closed. Take down the circus tents and try moving on to another town.
When someone says I MET SOMEONE ELSE it means that you need to move on. There is no friendship to be had at this point. You are fishing for some way to keep her in your life but she doesn't want to be in yours. Very hard to swallow but that is true. Let her go. Let IT go. And no, she isn't thinking about you at all. She is on to the next guy. Case closed. Take down the circus tents and try moving on to another town.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
i wonder as a friend, and solely a friend, is there any use in attempting to see how she is?
As soon as I read this, Steve, I thought of my XABF of course. It reminded me of how he would come to me to declare his new plan for managing his binge drinking. One time he planned to drink the worst beer he could find in the hopes of ridding himself of his taste for it. *sigh* Another time, he decided he would moderate by using a long narrow straw to drink beer from the bottle. This way it would take him longer to drink one beer and he would drink less overall. Those are but a pair from an endless list of variations.
I'm sure you won't be surprised to hear that it always went pear-shaped and he wound up drinking harder every time.
All you're mind is trying to do is moderate your contact with her so you can get your fix somehow, someway. A little is better than none, right? Not in the case of addiction it's not. You see this in your logical thought, but those nagging questions will still keep coming up. That's just how this goes.
One day at a time Steve. We don't seek perfection in ourselves with this. It takes practice and patience. You're doing good work, stick to it. No contact is the healthy course for you.
Alice
As soon as I read this, Steve, I thought of my XABF of course. It reminded me of how he would come to me to declare his new plan for managing his binge drinking. One time he planned to drink the worst beer he could find in the hopes of ridding himself of his taste for it. *sigh* Another time, he decided he would moderate by using a long narrow straw to drink beer from the bottle. This way it would take him longer to drink one beer and he would drink less overall. Those are but a pair from an endless list of variations.
I'm sure you won't be surprised to hear that it always went pear-shaped and he wound up drinking harder every time.
All you're mind is trying to do is moderate your contact with her so you can get your fix somehow, someway. A little is better than none, right? Not in the case of addiction it's not. You see this in your logical thought, but those nagging questions will still keep coming up. That's just how this goes.
One day at a time Steve. We don't seek perfection in ourselves with this. It takes practice and patience. You're doing good work, stick to it. No contact is the healthy course for you.
Alice
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Friendship with an ex just does not work out IMHO. The person who did the breaking up may ask to still be friends because they are afraid of hurting the other person's feelings, and the person on the receiving end wants to maintain some sort of contact "just in case". The "just in case" does not happen.
You seem to want contact because some part of you cannot accept the reality. I know this hurts, Steve, believe me, I know.
It will hurt less with time and activity. You deserve a better life than the prison you have built for yourself. I hope you will unlock that door and set yourself free. It's not so scary out here, Steve. I promise.
HG
You seem to want contact because some part of you cannot accept the reality. I know this hurts, Steve, believe me, I know.
It will hurt less with time and activity. You deserve a better life than the prison you have built for yourself. I hope you will unlock that door and set yourself free. It's not so scary out here, Steve. I promise.
HG
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 82
Originally Posted by steve1840 
that is a reality that is a tough one to swallow.
i know i underestimate the power of the addiction. and as you well know, i keep holding out hope that maybe just a bit of her is still there.
i know i underestimate the power of the addiction. and as you well know, i keep holding out hope that maybe just a bit of her is still there.
Everybody here wants to see you happy
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i take that question back!
that was just a minor bump in the road and i am back on track. i realized while i was out tonight that i have been unwilling to accept that she is totally lost in her addiction. i kept posting that maybe there was still something real left in her. BUT- at the same time i make excuses for what she does, the excuse being the addiction. so i figure, it's gotta be one or the other. if i say that she is totally not lost, well, then that means she is making the decision to be out of my life. then i started to think about what i REALLY want in a relationship and asked if she REALLY filled those needs. nope. at least not for quite a while.
i realized that this was about me as much as it was about her. i kept not learning and i kept remaining in the same sort of place. i'm too good for that. i want something better. i want something good. so this whole experience has enabled me to get deep inside places i was locked out of for a while. places i needed to get back to to put things back in order. finally optimism has returned.
that was just a minor bump in the road and i am back on track. i realized while i was out tonight that i have been unwilling to accept that she is totally lost in her addiction. i kept posting that maybe there was still something real left in her. BUT- at the same time i make excuses for what she does, the excuse being the addiction. so i figure, it's gotta be one or the other. if i say that she is totally not lost, well, then that means she is making the decision to be out of my life. then i started to think about what i REALLY want in a relationship and asked if she REALLY filled those needs. nope. at least not for quite a while.
i realized that this was about me as much as it was about her. i kept not learning and i kept remaining in the same sort of place. i'm too good for that. i want something better. i want something good. so this whole experience has enabled me to get deep inside places i was locked out of for a while. places i needed to get back to to put things back in order. finally optimism has returned.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Steve))) - it sounds like reality is sinking into your head
Hang onto that optimism, keep telling yourself that you DO deserve a life that isn't wrapped around someone lost in addiction, and keep putting that one foot in front of the other.
It does take time to get rid of the old thoughts, but they say changing a habit takes at least 30 days, and it's done easier when you replace the bad habit (obsessing over her) with a good one - I recommend you find things that make YOU happy, that have nothing to do with her, and trust in all of us who have been there.
I'm struggling with a lousy job, broke as he!!, (all consequences of my addiction) but I just KNOW that things are going to get better, and I will be stronger because of what I'm going through. I know this because I've seen it happen, time and time again, throughout my recovery.
The times we struggle may SEEM overwhelming, but if you look at the big picture (you've got the rest of your LIFE ahead of you, and it can be pretty fantastic), this is all just a little speedbump
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Hang onto that optimism, keep telling yourself that you DO deserve a life that isn't wrapped around someone lost in addiction, and keep putting that one foot in front of the other.
It does take time to get rid of the old thoughts, but they say changing a habit takes at least 30 days, and it's done easier when you replace the bad habit (obsessing over her) with a good one - I recommend you find things that make YOU happy, that have nothing to do with her, and trust in all of us who have been there.
I'm struggling with a lousy job, broke as he!!, (all consequences of my addiction) but I just KNOW that things are going to get better, and I will be stronger because of what I'm going through. I know this because I've seen it happen, time and time again, throughout my recovery.
The times we struggle may SEEM overwhelming, but if you look at the big picture (you've got the rest of your LIFE ahead of you, and it can be pretty fantastic), this is all just a little speedbump
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Tahoe CA
Posts: 1,098
Steve I feel that I must respond to your thread. I am a double winner.
I am currently working on my addiction, but realize that I have codependent
issues that I will have to address. One thing at a time.
I'm going to lay it on the line to you as an alcoholic, in very new recovery.
(I once had 12 years sober) that ended in 1998 and I will be honest and tell
you that I have relapsed many times ever since.
I have cut out any relationships in my life. I know I have to go this alone
right now. I have cut out relationships because I don't want to drag people
down with me. I have been single (completely) for about three years now.
This said, reading your posts over the last few months make me cringe. I'm sorry, you scare me. I do not want any one hanging on to my every being. Because right now I don't think I'm worthy of any relationship, nor can I carry the pain that someone like you projects. It is too hard. I know that I have a serious problem. I haven't run to another man, like you say your GF has done.
Why in the world can you not just let that poor sick woman go and live your own life for awhile?
I can't take that feeling of being smothered from someone that has given alot and wants me to be someone I cannot be right now. AND THEY WILL NOT BACK AWAY. OR LET GO.
I don't know if I will make it or not. If I pretend with someone like you right now it would be a lie, a complete lie. I would rather be alone. I can't do relationships based on the past right now. Maybe your GF is in the same place, maybe she is not. You do a huge diservice to yourself to not just live your life to the fullest in this horrible time.
Learn to know yourself. There is no strength in constantly worrying about someone else. Believe me, I can sense sickness a mile away even if I am myself. There is a part of me that really wants to get better.
Don't know if this makes any sense at all. And yes Steve, I think you have the makings of a stalker. I don't think you are there yet, but you could be
if you don't get a life.
I don't mean to offend. And if I have so be it and I apologize.
I am currently working on my addiction, but realize that I have codependent
issues that I will have to address. One thing at a time.
I'm going to lay it on the line to you as an alcoholic, in very new recovery.
(I once had 12 years sober) that ended in 1998 and I will be honest and tell
you that I have relapsed many times ever since.
I have cut out any relationships in my life. I know I have to go this alone
right now. I have cut out relationships because I don't want to drag people
down with me. I have been single (completely) for about three years now.
This said, reading your posts over the last few months make me cringe. I'm sorry, you scare me. I do not want any one hanging on to my every being. Because right now I don't think I'm worthy of any relationship, nor can I carry the pain that someone like you projects. It is too hard. I know that I have a serious problem. I haven't run to another man, like you say your GF has done.
Why in the world can you not just let that poor sick woman go and live your own life for awhile?
I can't take that feeling of being smothered from someone that has given alot and wants me to be someone I cannot be right now. AND THEY WILL NOT BACK AWAY. OR LET GO.
I don't know if I will make it or not. If I pretend with someone like you right now it would be a lie, a complete lie. I would rather be alone. I can't do relationships based on the past right now. Maybe your GF is in the same place, maybe she is not. You do a huge diservice to yourself to not just live your life to the fullest in this horrible time.
Learn to know yourself. There is no strength in constantly worrying about someone else. Believe me, I can sense sickness a mile away even if I am myself. There is a part of me that really wants to get better.
Don't know if this makes any sense at all. And yes Steve, I think you have the makings of a stalker. I don't think you are there yet, but you could be
if you don't get a life.
I don't mean to offend. And if I have so be it and I apologize.
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