FaithStayWithMe

Ok I'm REALLY needing some help again!
I've relapsed AGAIN in a real bad way.. it's never good relapsing But this time. This time I JUST DONT GET WHY I WOULD DARE TO..When I've become so so close to regaining back the most precious things in my life that I've lost!

I'm coming off a 3 day binge and EVERYTHING that I have worked so hard for is flashing before my eyes.

I had the tools! I KNOW me and MY addictions!
But this BEAST in my head is SO strong! And I let him in AND I've let him win!

I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS DISEASE!
I CAN NOT GRASP THE FACT THAT I AM THIS SICK ANYMORE!!!
I want OFF this F**cked up Roller Coaster!!

GOD Please Help Me!

Lilly03

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. You're here now though! Yes you fell, but you came back and you still want to get better. That's a good sign. I think it just means there's more out there for you to learn. You can try something new this time around.

Lilly03

Also, you're in the beginning. I don't understand how people get it the first time around.

Dee74

Many of us fell a time or two Faith - you're not alone.

Don't give up or fall into despair.

Think about what happened and why - and most importantly think about what you need to add to your programme now.

If you haven't seen your Dr, that might be a good first step to canvass your options.

AA or some other group is another step, as is counselling, as are the various kinds of rehab options available.

If what we're doing is not working, it makes sense to me to think seriously about trying something different Faith.

D

Spawn

time to dust yourself off and do it one day at a time....don't beat yourself up over this you can do it

FaithStayWithMe

Lilly, I wish I COULD say I was in the beginning. But I'm not. I'm 37yrs old and I've have been in and out addictive states for over 20yrs now! (more so in). And yes I am glad i'm here, I have to be because one thing I have learned (thru alot years of trail & ERRORS) is that if I let my pride get in the way and don't reach out quickly after a relaspe, I'm a goner! The deceitful voice of my Beast WILL take over!

Dee, I know relapse is part of recovery. I'm just so frustrated with myself right now for letting it happen again. And it scares me because How many relapses does it take before I hit the one that ends up killing me? We all know that one is out there! It's like a game of roulette.
As far as counseling and Rehabs, I've been through many! And I've currently been seeing my aftercare Counselor for 2yrs now.

Thank you both for being here for me.

Anna

I'm sorry you're in so much pain, but please know that you can do this.

Please do whatever it takes to get sober.

stellaloella

Your fear is certainly reasonable; I know it well. But hope is also perfectly reasonable and I think that at times like these it's best to lean toward the hope side of things. I'm trying to avoid dwelling on my failings right now because it's all that gets me through the day. We're worth recovering for!

Itchy

Faith,
You say you been through many rehabs, and that you have been with your current counselor for two years. And that is not working enough for you. Is there a chance that you might be more ready to have some other support in your life on on one. I know it is tough kiddo, but are you making use of every resource possible that is available to you locally as well as online? I know you feel down, we all have been there. I hope you find the right combination and try some different tools this time around like DEE and Lilly said. I can tell you that there is only one way out, and it ain't easy for any of us. Forgive yourself but never forget yourself.

VeeTee

:ghug3 faith - don't beat yourself up.
Next time, post here before you pick up that drink. And, in your 20 years in and out - did you ever try AA (I guess you did)? I've only just started with AA - but reading the Big Book is very helpful for me - there are so many stories just like mine and so much insight on the alcoholic mind.

dust yourself off, drink a lot of water today and look ahead.
vee

julez

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Keep your chin up, and try try again!

Dee74

We often fall, yeah - it's tough changing lives - but I believe my many relapses were a part of my disease - not my recovery.

But...once I got here and starting getting good advice, once I started reaching out before it was too late - and once I accepted that I was an alcoholic and that alcohol was poison to me - I started making real progress

You can do this too - you have an added tool now in this place, and you have leads on other tools and programmes you can use.

It's hard work, sometimes, Faith, but no harder really than the life you're living now - and the pay off is enormous

I know you can do this...I drank for 20 years - daily for seven - always went back to drinking...

now clean and sober for nearly four years.
It is possible

D

stellaloella

You've got a warm feeling to you, Dee. It's great to hear your advice and support.

Aliveinchains

Keep your head up friend you will survive, keep focused and come here often!

least

Never give up - never!

FaithStayWithMe

Yes Itchy, I am ready for more support. It's obvious that's what i need. And No, I have not made good use of all resources possible to me. Aside from this site here now.

I use too. But it's a little difficult for me to get around these days, since I've lost my driving privileges. (yep, another added stress-or)

I went thru my last impatient Rehab Jan. 09.(40 days) Went voluntarily, though my family was pushing for it also.
Went to "The Wells Center' and it was a great Treatment Facility. I learned so much. I really took it all that time. Felt so much stronger. Difficult at first but it got better, SO much better. Very Very thankful I went!

But Unfortunately the one and only crucial mistake, I did make there... ended up causing a huge whirlwind of **** my life.
We told were told NOT to get in a relationship for at-least a year awhile in recover. Because when you become an addict, Your love is for the drug and when that drug is gone, your going want to search for an outside love to fill that void. Which normally ends up being a new relationship. (And usually the wrong one).
Plus it's harder to stay focused on getting your self well when your focusing on the relationship
.
That Did make sense. But you know..I'm stubborn.
So, Not only, did I GET in a relationship right away... I GOT in a relationship with a guy I MET IN Rehab!!!

MAJOR MAJOR RED FLAGS THERE! Don't do it!! WISH I WOULDN'T HAVE! I really learned the hard way.

I made it 5 months sober after being released, with just one little relapse -On my 58th day! -of all things!! It was sad day not getting my 60 day coin.

So Yes, Vee, I attended alot of both AA and NA meetings. I really enjoyed my NA meeting in Jacksonville, IL , (same town as 'The Wells Center' )
When I got out.. I would drive an hour and a half... 3-4 nights a week.. JUST to attend those meetings. I LOVED them! I had so much support there to. I do miss them.
And I agree, the program books ARE very helpful.
NA uses the 'Basic Text' (book) which is very much like the AA Big Book. Same kind of stories. The only difference really is that it includes all drugs together.. including alcohol. "A Drug is a Drug is a Drug" And Alcohols a Drug to.

Anyway, 5 months sober (pretty much the longest stretch I've achieved, really)
Then I discovered that "Rehab" Brian really was the compulsive liar I had suspected.
But hadn't wanted to believe. (signs were all there)

Long story, short... (June 09) 8:30am --Discovered that he had been forging checks out of my account... Leaving me NEGATIVE $900!
Same Day 4:21pm --Was arrested for DUI,
Devastated!

A week later, I was served Order of Protection papers from ex husband, not allowing me to talk to or see my children. I couldn't even watch there ballgames and from a distance.
Then a month later, I was forced to give up residential custody of my children.
Rehab and DUI really didn't give me much of a leg to stand on.

And I can't blame anyone but myself.

I'm the one that gave him the cards to use against me.

I'm the one that didn't use my tools that day AND put that bottle up to my mouth.

and I'm the one who didn't listen to what I was not to do.

I put me here!

I know that beating myself up.. is not healthy and sometimes maybe not productive.

But sometimes...it does help me too.