Sad situation with my sister
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Sad situation with my sister
Hello SR...
Well tonight I think I may have learned the biggest lesson yet. Love does not conquer all and love does go away.
My sister is 11 years younger than me. When we were growing up my father was the drunk and my mother was the battered wife that took a night job to get away from her drunk husband and left her kids alone with him. I have so much resentment for my mother till this day. But I couldnt let this young innocent little girl be alone so I took over the mother role at 11. I continued to help raise her in the capacity I saw best but being young myself not sure how much I did.
I was the one who drove her to from cheerleading 3 times a week, went to parent teachers nights, even drove her to other states for her competitions and chaperoned dances with other mothers through her years of growing up. I know I didnt have to but she asked me too. Once I worked I bought her what I knew my mother wouldnt and tried to give her the upbringing I didnt have.
I had so much love for my sister. I used to think she was the best person I knew. I used to think she had a really good heart. We had a disagreement in March and we started to grow apart. Well basically she cut me out of my life because I didnt agree with her point of view. This was one of the toughest times of my life as I was just going through my divorce. I felt she abandoned me. I tried to understand and often asked myself what I expected from her. I apologized for my part of the argument and wanted to move forward but she wasnt interested.
Tonight I had a bad reaction to a medication I was taking and my doctor wanted me to go to the hospital, the emergency room, for bloodwork and tests as I havent been well for a week and getting worse. I was scared. I dont go to hospitals ever. But I was really scared. I texted and called my sister for help. We only had each other growing up. I thought she would always be there. I was wrong. She never called back. My mother told her I was in the hospital but she told her she needed to go to sleep.
I feel like I was fooled for most of my life. I cant believe she turned her back on me like she did. In one year I lost my husband and sister. This is incredibly hard for me. On one hand I want to say how selfish and horrible she is. On the other hand I want to cry for the person I thought she was and seeing what she really is. I want to cry at how easily she tossed me aside like I meant nothing to her. I learned that blood is not thicker than water.
My friend came with me. My friend who has a baby and has work tomorrow stayed with me till 2am. And I am so grateful it makes me want to cry.
I hate my sister right now and feel she is dead to me. I feel she is a heartless human being. I want to close myself up in a cocoon and I never want to be hurt again. I feel like I have no family anymore. I regret ever being there for her and wish I had lived my life as I wanted instead of always considering her.
How could I be so wrong about someone?
Well anyway. I am down a husband and sister if anyone is interested.
Medically I had an allergic reaction to a medication and have to just let it work its way through my system. Healthwise this hasnt been a good year for me. I am all about leaving things to my higher power but right now I am really down about these things. I guess I need to embrace the good things.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Hugs
Lulu
Well tonight I think I may have learned the biggest lesson yet. Love does not conquer all and love does go away.
My sister is 11 years younger than me. When we were growing up my father was the drunk and my mother was the battered wife that took a night job to get away from her drunk husband and left her kids alone with him. I have so much resentment for my mother till this day. But I couldnt let this young innocent little girl be alone so I took over the mother role at 11. I continued to help raise her in the capacity I saw best but being young myself not sure how much I did.
I was the one who drove her to from cheerleading 3 times a week, went to parent teachers nights, even drove her to other states for her competitions and chaperoned dances with other mothers through her years of growing up. I know I didnt have to but she asked me too. Once I worked I bought her what I knew my mother wouldnt and tried to give her the upbringing I didnt have.
I had so much love for my sister. I used to think she was the best person I knew. I used to think she had a really good heart. We had a disagreement in March and we started to grow apart. Well basically she cut me out of my life because I didnt agree with her point of view. This was one of the toughest times of my life as I was just going through my divorce. I felt she abandoned me. I tried to understand and often asked myself what I expected from her. I apologized for my part of the argument and wanted to move forward but she wasnt interested.
Tonight I had a bad reaction to a medication I was taking and my doctor wanted me to go to the hospital, the emergency room, for bloodwork and tests as I havent been well for a week and getting worse. I was scared. I dont go to hospitals ever. But I was really scared. I texted and called my sister for help. We only had each other growing up. I thought she would always be there. I was wrong. She never called back. My mother told her I was in the hospital but she told her she needed to go to sleep.
I feel like I was fooled for most of my life. I cant believe she turned her back on me like she did. In one year I lost my husband and sister. This is incredibly hard for me. On one hand I want to say how selfish and horrible she is. On the other hand I want to cry for the person I thought she was and seeing what she really is. I want to cry at how easily she tossed me aside like I meant nothing to her. I learned that blood is not thicker than water.
My friend came with me. My friend who has a baby and has work tomorrow stayed with me till 2am. And I am so grateful it makes me want to cry.
I hate my sister right now and feel she is dead to me. I feel she is a heartless human being. I want to close myself up in a cocoon and I never want to be hurt again. I feel like I have no family anymore. I regret ever being there for her and wish I had lived my life as I wanted instead of always considering her.
How could I be so wrong about someone?
Well anyway. I am down a husband and sister if anyone is interested.
Medically I had an allergic reaction to a medication and have to just let it work its way through my system. Healthwise this hasnt been a good year for me. I am all about leaving things to my higher power but right now I am really down about these things. I guess I need to embrace the good things.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Hugs
Lulu
Alive in the Superunknown
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: 30.47ºN, 98.15ºW
Posts: 1,460
I hope you keep the possibility of forgiveness open in your heart, as naive as it might sound to you right now. It's been my experience that one of the keys to the good life (philosophical, not material), is to forgive those who've wronged you, and ask forgiveness from those you've wronged.
Best wishes on a speedy medical recovery.
Best wishes on a speedy medical recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Lulu,
I can understand your bitter disappointment over this. I would have felt the same, I think.
How wonderful tho, that you have a friend who would be there for you that way. with a baby and job and all. Thank goodness for her.
I try to focus on myself, when I feel that painful disappointment in others. I try to remember that it will make me ill, if i continue to be angry.
I hope you feel better soon, and that things brighten in your world.
hugs,
chicory
I can understand your bitter disappointment over this. I would have felt the same, I think.
How wonderful tho, that you have a friend who would be there for you that way. with a baby and job and all. Thank goodness for her.
I try to focus on myself, when I feel that painful disappointment in others. I try to remember that it will make me ill, if i continue to be angry.
I hope you feel better soon, and that things brighten in your world.
hugs,
chicory
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I am so sorry for you. This post is heartwrenching.
My sisters and I are close, but at arms length. I guess they have strong boundaries.
I cannot imagine having a rift that deep.
I am sorry. I will keep you in my thoughts.
My sisters and I are close, but at arms length. I guess they have strong boundaries.
I cannot imagine having a rift that deep.
I am sorry. I will keep you in my thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Wow, sad times LuLu-- I hope you are feeling physically better soon.....the psychic wounds you are nursing are very deep - I know after my divorce I needed a weekly therapy session to keep me on track and keep me positively moving forward...I can't imagine if I had to deal with a blow like that from my sister..... :-(
Any kind of mental stress or trouble in our emotional lives affects our ability to heal our body - please be sure you are taking care of your whole self, mental health and all.
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
peace,
B
Any kind of mental stress or trouble in our emotional lives affects our ability to heal our body - please be sure you are taking care of your whole self, mental health and all.
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
peace,
B
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Big hugs to you Lulu, I went through a similar situation with a step sister. It was heart breaking to say the least. Years later she friended me on facebook, and we somewhat repaired the relationship, but I wouldn't go back to that heart break for anything. I so get what you are going through.
The good thing is like you said blood is not thicker than water, there are others out there who you will find who will and can love you like you love your sister! In the end it's her loss, it's sad she through that love you had for her aside.
Big hugs to you!
The good thing is like you said blood is not thicker than water, there are others out there who you will find who will and can love you like you love your sister! In the end it's her loss, it's sad she through that love you had for her aside.
Big hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: San Antonio TX
Posts: 133
Dear Lulu, I only was going to "Listen and Learn" today, but after reading your post I feel compelled to respond to you. I can feel the pain you are going through. I suffered a life changing massive stroke in DEC 2009. From DEC 23rd until JAN 8th I suffered from vascular dementia. I have no memory of my stroke and by the time my dry drunk husband got me to the hospital my organs were starting to shut down. I almost died and it was only through the Grace of God that I survived! I now suffer immobility and must use either my walker or a wheelchair.
I had one sister, also, 11 years older than me, and her husband who were snowbirding in Southern Texas, about two hours away from me. She never bothered to visit me even though they had to travel through San Antonio on I35 on their way back up North after the winter. This was so heartbreaking for me.
You wrote "I hate my sister right now and feel she is dead to me. I feel she is a heartless human being. I want to close myself up in a cocoon and I never want to be hurt again. I feel like I have no family anymore. I regret ever being there for her and wish I had lived my life as I wanted instead of always considering her." You have a RIGHTto feel abandoned! I do too!
One of the ways people waste their minds is in the endless tape loops of negative emotions. You know, the worrying, arguing and complaining that keeps repeating in our heads like a broken record. ****** Gawain explains that they really aren’t negative; we just make them negative by repressing them. She said "That’s a very dangerous thing to do... That’s how we get stuck. So I’m very much a believer in accepting all of your feelings... and that involves feeling your sadness, feeling your anger, feeling your grief, feeling your fear, all of those things... We do this in order to heal ourselves and get in touch with our selves."
The way I worked through my anger, resentment, and feelings of abandment from my sister was to write a "healing letter". I began my "healing letter" first by journaling. I found using a journal first was a safe place to express my feelings. Writing out my angry and resentment feelings gave me a tremendous sense of relief. It helped me to release my anger and associated sadness, fear and remorse. By jounaling first there was no need to be polite, tactful or to hold back anything. I was able to LET IT ALL OUT. Once I felt I had LET IT ALL OUT then I was able to write her a rational letter and mailed it to her.
It's important that we don't let these feelings build up inside of us. It reduces our ability to love with our whole heart and limits our capacity for joy! The purpose of a feeling letter is not to dump resentment, judgement, and criticism on your sister. It is not written to try to change her or correct her, nor to point out her inadequacies. If used in this way, it will not work. The feeling letter works only when it is written for you to feel more loving. Carrying our hurt around with us...and repeating it in our head only keeps us as victims.
When we are physically broke, our inner strength is, also, weakened. I hope with time and healing you can realize you, also, received benefits by being your sister's "Big Sister" mother.
********************************:ghug3************ *****************
You wrote "Well anyway. I am down a husband and sister if anyone is interested." Please feel free to PM me.
No man is an island
No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as any manner of thy friends or of thine own were; any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind. And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.
John Donne
I had one sister, also, 11 years older than me, and her husband who were snowbirding in Southern Texas, about two hours away from me. She never bothered to visit me even though they had to travel through San Antonio on I35 on their way back up North after the winter. This was so heartbreaking for me.
You wrote "I hate my sister right now and feel she is dead to me. I feel she is a heartless human being. I want to close myself up in a cocoon and I never want to be hurt again. I feel like I have no family anymore. I regret ever being there for her and wish I had lived my life as I wanted instead of always considering her." You have a RIGHTto feel abandoned! I do too!
One of the ways people waste their minds is in the endless tape loops of negative emotions. You know, the worrying, arguing and complaining that keeps repeating in our heads like a broken record. ****** Gawain explains that they really aren’t negative; we just make them negative by repressing them. She said "That’s a very dangerous thing to do... That’s how we get stuck. So I’m very much a believer in accepting all of your feelings... and that involves feeling your sadness, feeling your anger, feeling your grief, feeling your fear, all of those things... We do this in order to heal ourselves and get in touch with our selves."
The way I worked through my anger, resentment, and feelings of abandment from my sister was to write a "healing letter". I began my "healing letter" first by journaling. I found using a journal first was a safe place to express my feelings. Writing out my angry and resentment feelings gave me a tremendous sense of relief. It helped me to release my anger and associated sadness, fear and remorse. By jounaling first there was no need to be polite, tactful or to hold back anything. I was able to LET IT ALL OUT. Once I felt I had LET IT ALL OUT then I was able to write her a rational letter and mailed it to her.
It's important that we don't let these feelings build up inside of us. It reduces our ability to love with our whole heart and limits our capacity for joy! The purpose of a feeling letter is not to dump resentment, judgement, and criticism on your sister. It is not written to try to change her or correct her, nor to point out her inadequacies. If used in this way, it will not work. The feeling letter works only when it is written for you to feel more loving. Carrying our hurt around with us...and repeating it in our head only keeps us as victims.
When we are physically broke, our inner strength is, also, weakened. I hope with time and healing you can realize you, also, received benefits by being your sister's "Big Sister" mother.
********************************:ghug3************ *****************
You wrote "Well anyway. I am down a husband and sister if anyone is interested." Please feel free to PM me.
No man is an island
No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as any manner of thy friends or of thine own were; any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind. And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.
John Donne
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Lulu, I am so sorry for your pain.
I was talking to my therapist yesterday about my relationship, or rather lack thereof, with my brother.
He's my only sibling, 6 years younger.
He's just like Dad, an over-achiever, workaholic, and a swell guy in his community.
I love him dearly, and I am proud of his accomplishments.
However, what is all that worth when you can't find time for family?
I used to frequently send emails or ecards to him just to let him know I love him.
I never hear back.
The last time he was in Kansas, he flew in to be at the hospital with Mom while Dad had surgery this past summer.
I'm only 36 miles from the airport where he flew in and out of.
He managed to find time to visit a few old buddies, but never stopped by to see me.
I know it's not personal, it's just who he is.
It still hurts though.
Sending you lots of hugs from chilly rainy Kansas today!
:ghug3
I was talking to my therapist yesterday about my relationship, or rather lack thereof, with my brother.
He's my only sibling, 6 years younger.
He's just like Dad, an over-achiever, workaholic, and a swell guy in his community.
I love him dearly, and I am proud of his accomplishments.
However, what is all that worth when you can't find time for family?
I used to frequently send emails or ecards to him just to let him know I love him.
I never hear back.
The last time he was in Kansas, he flew in to be at the hospital with Mom while Dad had surgery this past summer.
I'm only 36 miles from the airport where he flew in and out of.
He managed to find time to visit a few old buddies, but never stopped by to see me.
I know it's not personal, it's just who he is.
It still hurts though.
Sending you lots of hugs from chilly rainy Kansas today!
:ghug3
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Oh gosh, Lulu.... family of origin stuff is so hard....
The pain is great, I know. Unbearable, it seems. Unbelievable, what these people do.
But recognize, Lulu, it is time. It is your time to go through this now. To remember it, to hash it out, to get angry about it, to scream, cry, and then, to mourn.
This is YOUR time now girl! BREAKIN' FREE!!! Free of the chains that have been holding you down for SO LONG. TOO long!
That's what you're doing LuLu. I'm sorry it hurts but at the same time I know that is HAS TO in order for you to become what it is you are supposed to become. Just keep breathin'
The pain is great, I know. Unbearable, it seems. Unbelievable, what these people do.
But recognize, Lulu, it is time. It is your time to go through this now. To remember it, to hash it out, to get angry about it, to scream, cry, and then, to mourn.
This is YOUR time now girl! BREAKIN' FREE!!! Free of the chains that have been holding you down for SO LONG. TOO long!
That's what you're doing LuLu. I'm sorry it hurts but at the same time I know that is HAS TO in order for you to become what it is you are supposed to become. Just keep breathin'
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Hi Lulu,
So sorry to hear this. I went through something similiar this past year myself. I lost best friend of 20 years when my AH and I separated last year, my SIL died and my brother never called or returned calls (I raised him b/c my addicted mother), and now my AH has filed for D.
I have been thinking a lot about all of it lately myself.
I see them all as casualities of this illness. It was the first thing I heard at alanon but thought it wouldn't be me... but so not true.
It hurts, I feel lonely at times, I feel abandoned, angry from time to time. I mostly try to look at it for what it is... and then let go.
I find talking it out helps too.
So sorry to hear this. I went through something similiar this past year myself. I lost best friend of 20 years when my AH and I separated last year, my SIL died and my brother never called or returned calls (I raised him b/c my addicted mother), and now my AH has filed for D.
I have been thinking a lot about all of it lately myself.
I see them all as casualities of this illness. It was the first thing I heard at alanon but thought it wouldn't be me... but so not true.
It hurts, I feel lonely at times, I feel abandoned, angry from time to time. I mostly try to look at it for what it is... and then let go.
I find talking it out helps too.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
I read once: people who behave in a harmful way to others are usually in great pain themselves, or mentally ill. That helped me see my aexh in a much clearer light, and to not take his foolishness personally. He didn't set out to be a jacka$$ and he isn't doing it deliberately.
I certainly was selfish and thoughtless to members of my family when I was younger; but I was also lost in the after effects of my mother's death, which occurred (and which I witnessed) at age 8. I could not have done any better until now, it took me another 30 years to become the kind of person who can give back when she receives. I was too damaged to be any other way, until pretty recently.
As we say, "the alcoholic is not doing this to you, they are just doing it." That may well apply to your sister too.
Hugs. I wish I'd had a sister like you
I certainly was selfish and thoughtless to members of my family when I was younger; but I was also lost in the after effects of my mother's death, which occurred (and which I witnessed) at age 8. I could not have done any better until now, it took me another 30 years to become the kind of person who can give back when she receives. I was too damaged to be any other way, until pretty recently.
As we say, "the alcoholic is not doing this to you, they are just doing it." That may well apply to your sister too.
Hugs. I wish I'd had a sister like you
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
people who behave in a harmful way to others are usually in great pain themselves
Somewhere under all that pain, your sister knows you were always there for her. And if she can get past her own feelings of abandonment and get to a healthy place, you may find that she will once again be there for you. I hope both you and your sister can work past the pain of your childhoods and find mutual peace, acceptance, and understanding.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Somewhere under all that pain, your sister knows you were always there for her.
I second that! and how things are like now does not mean it will be like this forever and ever. Perhaps she becomes healthier and you find forgiveness in your heart... and both are able to reconnect, in this life...
How are you feeling today lulu? did you journal ??
I second that! and how things are like now does not mean it will be like this forever and ever. Perhaps she becomes healthier and you find forgiveness in your heart... and both are able to reconnect, in this life...
How are you feeling today lulu? did you journal ??
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: McLean VA
Posts: 93
[QUOTE=FormerDoormat;2766161]I believe this is true. And while it is heartbreaking that you were there for your sister when your parents emotionally abandoned her as a child, and now it appears that she has turned her back on you, it may hurt less to keep in mind that she learned her lesson well from your parents: that when the going gets rough one simply checks out of life and responsibility and retreats into a shell that is impenetrable.
I totally agree with this statement. My AB is currently not speaking to me since we had a fall out at the beach house this summer. And my parents are in TOTAL denial of his addiction. That part can make me nuts if I think about it!! So now I feel I have to limit my time with my parents! (parents are only 30 minutes away, brother is 10 hour drive away)
It does feel empty not to have family, but friends can feel like family if you let them!
I totally agree with this statement. My AB is currently not speaking to me since we had a fall out at the beach house this summer. And my parents are in TOTAL denial of his addiction. That part can make me nuts if I think about it!! So now I feel I have to limit my time with my parents! (parents are only 30 minutes away, brother is 10 hour drive away)
It does feel empty not to have family, but friends can feel like family if you let them!
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