Lilly03

I've been to a few AA/NA meetings and the speakers tend to talk a lot about the moment when they realized they were self obsessed and I can never wrap my brain around it. I know that I'm obsessive, but how do you stop being self obsessed? What qualifies as a self obsessed thought? I don't get it.

Just wondering if anyone can shine some light on this for me.

stellaloella

I have trouble with this thought as well. I don't know if my obsessive tendencies give way to my drinking, but it seems likely. I'm overly analytical about almost everything. I think this is equated with self-obsession when it comes to meetings -- at least that's how I've interpreted it.

Garp

I think it may come down to privileging yourself over others, or imposing yourself/your beliefs onto others.

AmIReady

I am obessive and overly analytical however I have trouble seeing myself as self obssessed. I care so much about others, so guess in the sense of I feel better seeing others feelings. So I guess I'm in the same boat, what does that statement really mean and what does it mean to each of us and our situation???

I read your last post and it made me think is there a personality trait, similar experiences, emotions, which lead us to try and quiet the noise if just for one moment?? I get really bad, creepy feelings talking about religion with my parents, really talking about anything that means anything with them makes me feel that way. I don't know why.... just want to find a way to move through these emotions without substances.

Stayinfree

Hi

This is something I've been thinking about too.
In the past, when others (usually other alcoholics), have told me I'm a very selfish and self obsessed person my lips would clamp together and my emotions would boil.....'what ME...ME of all people and everything I DO.............HOW DARE ANYONE CALL ME SELFISH!!

But...this time around I not only agree, but I am taking steps to stop living in my head and think and do for others...............it took me a long time to 'get' it.......it's a daily task.

It didn't matter how much I 'did' for other people, my thoughts were still tied up with ME ME ME...It's taken me years to realise just how selfish, self obsessed and self centred I really am.

I don't know whether I have been able to shine any lights on this for you......maybe it's a personal thing...you get it when you get it.........

julez

OMG.... Reading this has made a light go on in my head. I am also self obsessed. I have anxiety, panic, worry, and despair over some issues my daughter is having. Most of the time, I'm absolutely insane thinking about her future and what will become of her, but I have to admit, a LOT of the time, I'm obsessing on me, what I'm doing wrong, how she is hurting me, why would she treat me this way etc....
sigh.
There's so much to learn in this lifetime...

least

I think it's normal and even healthy to be self obsessed early on in recovery. After all, you're making huge life changes to affect not just your own life, but those around you.

I think with time, and work on yourself, those self obsessive thoughts will quiet down and be less "in your face" and more just a focusing on how you can continue to better your life.

You're early in recovery still. Give yourself some time to become more comfortable with your sober self and see if the glaring self obsession settles down some.

Anna

I think that getting outside of my head really, really helped me to recover.

I was fortunate in very early recovery to get involved in a volunteer organization that changed my life. I was totally humbled by the people I met and it did me an enormous amount of good to be doing something for others.

jamdls

Drinking made me very self obsessed although I didn't realize it until after I stopped. I never ever thought of myself that way; I felt I had spent my life giving everything to my spouse or partner or daughter so their wasn't anything left for me but then once I stopped drinking I realized my drinking had been all about me me me when I was drunk I became a very different person and the worse the drinking got the more that "other person" was present even when I wasn't drinking. Early in recovery my main concern was my well being but even in the beginning there was so much more of ME available to those close to me as I was no longer encased in the alcoholic fog.

Isaiah

Part of my mental health issues carries a tendency toward self-obsession, so I get hit from both sides.

Something I got from therapy that has been helpful to me is the notion of participating in the world. There's sort of a cliche notion from Eastern philosophy that a person can "become one" with something. It's a little abstract but sort of like that. I just let myself get caught up in whatever I'm doing, rather than ruminate.

Another way to avoid self-obsession is to re-write your thoughts. Thinking about how things "could" "should" or "ought" to be leads to you being the center of it all. Just taking things as they are makes you less the center of the universe.

HideorSeek

I like that Isaiah....I think that there is a difference between being selfish (thinking it's all about me) and being self-absorbed. I still think alkies/addicts are extreme thinkers and feelers. We tend to overthink, overfeel, etc.

But how about that selfless giving to others? (codependent tendencies?). Again, I think that this is a common trait in addicts. But at least for me, most of my selfless behavior had hidden expectations. I am a martyr at heart and all those things I did for others were not truly selfless. I expected thanks, recognition, etc., so it was back to ME again...

Just a thought here...there is a good book, by Stephanie Covington, entitled a Woman's Way through the 12 Steps. In it, she states that men addicts have more ego issues (need to be taken down a notch) and women tend to "give themselves away" (need to to be ramped up a notch). For either sex, isn't everything a matter of balance? And intention???? Again, I think that's where we, as addicts, are skewed...our balance/moderation, etc is out of whack and recovery involves finding a healthy balance in all things.

Thumpalumpacus

This is natural and normal. You're merely open enough to acknowledge it.

HideorSeek

^^^^^ love your sig! I made a mirror for my daughter that had that and "be true to your self" around the edges, so each time she looked in the mirror...

Kadybug

Hi - this is a good topic. I, too, was very highly offended when I read/was told that I was selfish ... and I fought it tooth and nail, believe me! But one day I heard a guy in a meeting (and selfishness was the topic, btw) this:
"I never thought highly of myself, but I thought of myself all the time."

WOW. Right between the eyes, did that hit me! In my mind, it really WAS "all about me" ... my kids' appearance and behavior, my husband's stuff, my parents' stuff ...and I had to take a good hard look at that. I was not pleased to realize that I was selfish, but it sure put things in perspective. If it's NOT all about me, then I don't have to feel, act, worry, or obsess over everyone else (or myself), which took the pressure right off.

Good topic! Thank you for sharing!

Draciack

I try to do things just for the intrinsic experience - have a conversation just to have a conversation, jet ski just to jet ski, go to meetings just to go to meetings.

With so many things, I attach labels. Expectations, justifications, paradigms...whatever. What's even trickier is that in sobriety we're supposed to "improve ourselves" until improving ourselves means letting other things be as they are.

'Course, this is all mumbo-jumbo academic speak.

Action? Go do something. Now. Don't wait to finish reading this post

In my experience, it's less easy to be self-obsessed when the whole world's there to see.

Lilly03

I definitely think of me all the time - don't really know how to stop. I can relate to the "martyr" thinking. I'm working on not "silently suffering" for other people. Sometimes I think I enjoy suffering for other people. It's weird.

I've always believed there's no selfless good deed. How does it not always come back to you? Maybe it will make more sense with more recovery time.

AmIReady

Where does it end however?? Self obbessive and self presevation...

I am one who loses myself into whatever I am doing at the time, almost completely depending on the level of physical or brain activity. I work to care deeply about others but balance my own desires, interests, and needs. My need to use drugs came from such strong emotions and losing myself into them; I was unable to contain them inside and needed to feel them outside. Burns, cuts, etc. This was at a very early age and to this day have no understanding why. I have been seen by many therapists, DRs, specialists, read countless books, online resources, and discussions with friends but still have not found a way to deal and progress my life in an upward direction.

Lately I have re-dedicated my life to God and have given him the reigns again however ....

I just dont know....rambling...

keithj

Lilly, since you are asking about this concept in a 12 Step context, the BB statement of the problem and the answer goes like
In working the Steps, I learned a few useful things about this. Selfishness, as the word is used here, broadly encompasses that idea of self-absorbed. It's not just the selfish, unthinking of others that I think with my pre-conceived definition of the word selfish. Obsession with self that includes resentment and fear. It includes lack of humility and the delusion that when I walk into a room, my impact has a huge importance.

I could not see the level of selfishness and self-centeredness in my life. I could not see the truth about myself until after getting pretty far along in the Steps (post inventory 4th Step at least.

And that 2nd part. I can't get rid of it by trying to be less self-consumed. Both the awareness of it, and the solution to it, came from taking the Steps for me. And it's just the tip of the iceberg.