Keeping boundaries in new relationships
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
Keeping boundaries in new relationships
I decided I would sort of start to go out again. . .like sort of date, but not really because I am not ready for any kind of commitment. So I have been just hanging out with this one guy-having tea/coffee, going to the dog park. This weekend he came over for a very casual dinner and the he invited me to come over to his house sometime this week. No innuendo going on I think because we both said from the start that we were not interested in finding the love of our life-just someone to do stuff with and we would just take things as they came.
He is very different than anyone I have "dated" in the past. I would not call him exceptionally handsome. He is sort of a quiet guy (that has taken getting use to because all previous men I have had relationships with were LOUD verbally and physically). When he came over for dinner he hung out in the kitchen while I cooked pretty simple fare. When he first got there he told me he should have called to see if I wanted him to pick up a bottle of wine or something. I said I didn't need it and he said that was fine--he was good with water (OK, big change again from anyone I have gone out with--they would have shown up at the door with 2 bottles of wine in hand).
When we were eating he finished before me and I asked him if he wanted more and he said it was really good and got up and got it himself (xah would have waited to be served). Heck, when we were just sitting at the table when we were done he asked me if I wanted anymore and when I said no he actually cleared the table.
Now I know we are always on our best behavior when we are sort of feeling people out to see if they are someone we want to hang out with--but there seemed to be none of that. We were both pretty frank and honest about the things we talked about. This is completely new territory for me. I am trying my hardest to keep codie girl in her place--like not even in the room.
Interesting thing happened yesterday. He called because there had apparently been a big explosion in the middle of the night only about a mile from my house. We chatted a bit. He knew I had someone coming over to do some handyman work at my house and asked me what I was doing after. I told him I was going to a study group (I am studying the book of Ester with a group of women). All of a sudden he says in sort of a surprised voice "Are you religious?" I was still at work when he called and was just shutting off my computer and getting ready to leave. I asked him what he meant and felt sort of uncomfortable (feelings in the gut saying, hmmmmm). We talked briefly about my study group and he seemed somewhat put off because I believe in God. I sort of cut him off right there because I was getting in my car and I'm not big on driving and talking.
Anyway, I realized it really bugged me and that I felt weird about how the conversation ended. In the past I would have just let it go. But I didn't. I called him back and just told him that I did not like the way he conversation had ended and asked (not pissed off-just the facts) if he had a problem with me believing in God and he told me it depended (and then there was the usual back and forth). We had a fairly long (at least for me on the phone) conversation about God and religion and his beliefs and my beliefs. Again, it was a good conversation with both of us being very honest. In the past I may have thought-gee, I don't want to offend him. Maybe I should just not bring up my religious beliefs. But I didn't and part of my brain said--hey, did you notice that you were just completely honest, regardless of the consequences.
It was a good conversation--but I was sitting in the car and the handyman guy showed up so I told him I had to go and would talk to him later. He paused and I just laughed (in a good way) and asked him if I had scared the crap out of him because I believe in God (again, words that never would have come from my mouth in the past for fear of scaring someone off). He just laughed back and said, not yet and said he'd call me today.
So, this is very new territory for me. Being completely honest with myself and therefore also with the person I am with--but not in a whining, nagging way--just the facts with no embellishments. It felt kinda good.
He is very different than anyone I have "dated" in the past. I would not call him exceptionally handsome. He is sort of a quiet guy (that has taken getting use to because all previous men I have had relationships with were LOUD verbally and physically). When he came over for dinner he hung out in the kitchen while I cooked pretty simple fare. When he first got there he told me he should have called to see if I wanted him to pick up a bottle of wine or something. I said I didn't need it and he said that was fine--he was good with water (OK, big change again from anyone I have gone out with--they would have shown up at the door with 2 bottles of wine in hand).
When we were eating he finished before me and I asked him if he wanted more and he said it was really good and got up and got it himself (xah would have waited to be served). Heck, when we were just sitting at the table when we were done he asked me if I wanted anymore and when I said no he actually cleared the table.
Now I know we are always on our best behavior when we are sort of feeling people out to see if they are someone we want to hang out with--but there seemed to be none of that. We were both pretty frank and honest about the things we talked about. This is completely new territory for me. I am trying my hardest to keep codie girl in her place--like not even in the room.
Interesting thing happened yesterday. He called because there had apparently been a big explosion in the middle of the night only about a mile from my house. We chatted a bit. He knew I had someone coming over to do some handyman work at my house and asked me what I was doing after. I told him I was going to a study group (I am studying the book of Ester with a group of women). All of a sudden he says in sort of a surprised voice "Are you religious?" I was still at work when he called and was just shutting off my computer and getting ready to leave. I asked him what he meant and felt sort of uncomfortable (feelings in the gut saying, hmmmmm). We talked briefly about my study group and he seemed somewhat put off because I believe in God. I sort of cut him off right there because I was getting in my car and I'm not big on driving and talking.
Anyway, I realized it really bugged me and that I felt weird about how the conversation ended. In the past I would have just let it go. But I didn't. I called him back and just told him that I did not like the way he conversation had ended and asked (not pissed off-just the facts) if he had a problem with me believing in God and he told me it depended (and then there was the usual back and forth). We had a fairly long (at least for me on the phone) conversation about God and religion and his beliefs and my beliefs. Again, it was a good conversation with both of us being very honest. In the past I may have thought-gee, I don't want to offend him. Maybe I should just not bring up my religious beliefs. But I didn't and part of my brain said--hey, did you notice that you were just completely honest, regardless of the consequences.
It was a good conversation--but I was sitting in the car and the handyman guy showed up so I told him I had to go and would talk to him later. He paused and I just laughed (in a good way) and asked him if I had scared the crap out of him because I believe in God (again, words that never would have come from my mouth in the past for fear of scaring someone off). He just laughed back and said, not yet and said he'd call me today.
So, this is very new territory for me. Being completely honest with myself and therefore also with the person I am with--but not in a whining, nagging way--just the facts with no embellishments. It felt kinda good.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Yep. I'm in the same boat. today I realized I am really going to be MYSELF in this dating thing with my guy and if he likes me for who I am, great. Otherwise, we'll both move on.
My problem, though, is that I'm also spending time with my oldest male friend that I've always always loved deeply whose wife died in May leaving him with a 13 month old child. We're spending time on the phone, talking, texting and hanging out when we can.
Two men showering me with attention is a pretty good time, I have to admit, but I keep waking up alone, taking care of my kids, doing what I need to do and making damn sure I'm not kidding myself or anyone else.
I think I like myself more and more. It gives me clarity in who I choose to spend my time with.
Have fun Girl! Post it here so we can all vicariously enjoy!
My problem, though, is that I'm also spending time with my oldest male friend that I've always always loved deeply whose wife died in May leaving him with a 13 month old child. We're spending time on the phone, talking, texting and hanging out when we can.
Two men showering me with attention is a pretty good time, I have to admit, but I keep waking up alone, taking care of my kids, doing what I need to do and making damn sure I'm not kidding myself or anyone else.
I think I like myself more and more. It gives me clarity in who I choose to spend my time with.
Have fun Girl! Post it here so we can all vicariously enjoy!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
Well honey I am not doing anything as remotely fun as you!!
I mean I have not broken out the lacy things at this point.
I wore my biker boots to the dog park!
Just thought the spiked heels might sink into the mud 
I mean I have not broken out the lacy things at this point. I wore my biker boots to the dog park!
Just thought the spiked heels might sink into the mud
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