DayTrader

Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt we were regaining control, but such intervals - usually brief - were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.

least

That is SO true. All my previous (failed) attempts to stop were only attempts to 'control' my drinking, and they never ever worked. It was only by admitting to myself that I was an alcoholic that I could truly quit... and be happy with my sobriety.

Zencat

Recognizing that I had a problem that once had me was an enlightening moment. It set me in a new direction to understand what I need to do in order to take back the direction of where my new sober life was going. Because addiction had been ruling my life and the results were living a life of insanity. I can not allow myself to go back to that mess.

I'm so relieved that I never have to go back that old life of trying to control my addiction. Know that effort was a delusion can now help me in sobriety to see when I'm picking up old patterns of thinking and acting that resemble active addiction. Catching the slip before it actually happens is a great skill to have developed.

keithj

I never consciously thought that I was doing this. I never set out intentionally to prove I could drink normally.

But just take a look at my actions. Not what I was thinking, but what I was actually doing. All of my actions indicated that I believed I could drink and not get out of control. I tried that over and over again.

The persistence of my illusion was astonishing. It's when I changed those actions, as guided by the direction I was given, that I began to recover. Following what my head told me about what should work and how I should feel about it kept me in that delusion. My sick mind could not see the truth. But the actions worked in spite of my delusional thoughts.

04Hdcp

Thanks DayTrader....

Although I am kind of a noob in AA. This is the part that really hit home for me. That I am not like normal people. I read that first page in chapter 3 on a daily basis.

loveon2legs

That is the tricky part in our minds...thinking that we can drink like everyone else...just one or two drinks....for me I was trying for years to convince myself that I was like the average joe drinker....and it didn't get me very far.....my life was almost ruined...if I hadn't of stopped the insanity I would be dead....I was already becoming spiritually and emotionally dead.....the next step.....both feet in the ground..... By the grace of God I'm going on 10 months....life really is good!!

LaFemme

I never tried to moderate. I always knew I had to stop completely. Maybe this is why it took so many attempts before I could quit. I remember my Dad, on the only time anyone ever said anything to me about my drinking, and I said maybe I should quit for 6 months and see how it went and he said "No, no, you just need to learn how to moderate."

Believe me, I never thought I could moderate and still don't, nor do I ever want to...why would I want to moderate my consumption of poison?

Kerbcrawler

like so many here, if i could moderate, i would be happy to go on drinking...if only, as like many i did enjoy the light releif..before the stupidity of overindulgence spoilt it..all or nothing..wish it was different, though happy to go with the healthy without option now.

doggonecarl

>Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by
> countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people.

I am still coming to grips with the fact that I DON'T want to drink like a normal person, whatever that is. Is it one beer with pizza, a before-dinner cordial? An after-dinner glass of port? An occasional rum toddy on a cold day? A lone celebratory glass of scotch? If normal drinking is a "single" anything, I can't do it. I want to get drunk, which is why I can't drink anymore, although I think about it all the time. Something else that separates us from "normal" drinkers.

Forwards

I think this describes me exactly.

Over the last 5 and 1/2 months I've kept a detailed diary and the evidence is there in black and white. Looking back through it, not once have I managed 'just one drink' in a normal way. One slip becomes a week of drinking every time followed by the horrible demoralisation you describe.

Now I have to find a way to reinforce this knowledge on every level so I never take that first casual drink. It's strange, even though I 'know' it to be true, I almost don't yet fully 'believe' it. I wonder how I will get there.

Itchy

Quit gather some strength and feel better, then go back and drink, then quit and after a period of time go back and drink, then quit until I feel better and then go back and drink???? That is like taking a u-turn then going back to the right direction and then taking the same u-turn again.

Thank goodness for SR, my HP, AA, my family, (not necessarily in that order.)

I decided to quit once, repeat daily. Linear not running around in circles.

Thanks SR for teaching me what not to do to get sober. And what to do to keep sober. Just keep my eye on the ball, not the chatter inside and out, and hit it out of the park!

fragrantrose

Describes my experience with alcohol exactly as well..like being on a rollercoaster ride..feeling more and more demoralised after each failed attempt at control...stay off it for a spell..anxieties etc mount..triggers seem to be everywhere..then start with 2-3 social drinks then deluded can control..few days down track back to overdrinking..remorse,etc...how did i end up here AGAIN???
It all starts for me with real heartfelt acceptance that i am truly powerless over alcohol and a willingness to be willing to take the necessary actions.

DayTrader

Yanno, it's funny..... I experienced that incomprehensible demoralization but it was never after trying to "quit." I never....and I mean NEVER intended to quit for good. Anytime I "quit" it was, from the onset, intended to just be for a couple days. I don't think I EVER went beyond 2 dry days toward the end (at least, I don't remember even doing 2 dry days so I'm pretty sure I never made it to 3 in a row).

All I really ever wanted was to be able to not drink into another blackout.....and to not get "as" loaded as the last time, or to not get "as" drunk and drive as I usually did. I never entertained totally quitting. I fully intended to drink forever but to find a way to drink the way I liked to drink but manage the consequences better. ......and I never could. Each time I'd wake up after blowing another day......another evening.....another weekend.....I'd just hate myself. I HATED how weak I was....I hated myself for not having the ability to control it.....I HATED that I couldn't slow down when ppl around me seemed to be able to do it...... I was a walking ball of self-hatred, depression, and was disgusted with myself......I mean, who the hell can't control their drinking???

......alcoholics can't. And I couldn't. And if alcoholics can't, and I can't....that must mean I'm an alcoholic. I believed that line that said "it gets worse, never better" (still do). So if that's what I am....and it's not going to get better.....and it IS going to get worse......and I'm already "this" bad........oh my God - I'm in deep trouble soon cuz the consequences are already MORE than I can bear....what happens when they get WORSE?!?!?!?!?!

I guess I better go back to AA and take that stuff seriously.....it would seem, my life DOES depend upon it (even though it didn't seem like it did at the time).

I conceded to my INNERMOST self that I was an alcoholic and with that, I became teachable. I realized that I didn't have all the answers, that my judgment wasn't to be trusted, that my best thinking landed me in THIS MESS without intending to and that it would be foolish to think that my best thinking would get me out of trouble. I had to find help....and I mean GOOD help....and I mean NOW. I couldn't take anymore of ME - not another minute. And if I'm gonna change......we're changin' the whole dam thing. I don't want a BIT of my old thinking lingering around. It all had to go.....or I knew what was going to happen. One of those bits of "old thinking" would start to grow.....and it'd choke out all the new bits....then it'd take over.....and it'd talk me into drinking........AGAIN! I couldn't take letting myself down like that one more time.

I was PROMISED a complete makeover. A complete change. A new life. And even though I didn't believe it would happen, I started trying to incorporate the AA program into my life.

.....I'll be darned........it worked!

Isaiah

For a long time I struggled with acceptance because I could not believe that some simple liquid could get the best of me. Wasn't until I fully realized that the problem wasn't the alcohol, it was me, that I started to really get somewhere.